The Life and Times of a 7th Grade Teacher

Things you should not ask your grandmother for 500

2012-01-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

Imagine a class of 18 spectacular human beings. The boys use their brain breaks to play tag and still love Spiderman. The girls work hard, support each other, and are incredibly mature. Overall, they're a group of kids that are still, well, kids. They work hard, laugh often, and ask great questions. Sometimes, however, these questions start off innocent, and then spiral wildly out of control. But, this is middle school, and this shit just happens.

While the kids were cutting up some papers, and one of my super smart, uber-mature, girls who I shall refer to as Kelsey, suddenly said....

"Miss J, what's a dildo?

Oh sweet Jesus.

But without a beat, the conversation took off. Racehorses out of the gates, Pandora's box overflowing. It couldn't be stopped.

Smidgen: Oh, I know what that is.
Pixel: Wait, you don't know what PMS is, but you know what a.... you know... is? That's screwed up.
Kelsey: What is it?!?!
Me: You know... let's maybe not say that word out loud.
Pixel: You should just tell her. All the girls are daring each other to scream it at school. Besides, it's better you tell her than she look it up on google at school. That's what Jeni did.

Seriously?

Once again....welcome to middle school!

Bolus!

2012-01-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

I love talking about the digestive system. Today, while reviewing, I asked "So, who remembers what the squishy mass of food is called?" A couple kids raised their hands. "You know, when your teeth grind it up, and your saliva breaks it down, and then you swallow it?"

Another kid asked "So, like when it's in your throat?"

I nodded. Then, with great vigor and enthusiasm, a great child I call President raised his hand with an audible "OOOH!" You could just see the light bulb going off.

"President, go!" I said.

"BALLS!" he cried.

The entire class silently stared at me. Held their collective breath. Terrible comebacks shot through my brain like fireworks. I sure hope you don't swallow balls. You keep balls in your throat? Grinding your balls with your teeth is probably not the best plan, but the flexibility is impressive. Oh my god. I could not say any of these things. The words, prisoners, trapped just behind my teeth, fighting to get out.

So, I did what any good teacher would do. I cracked up.

The class melted and President put his head in his hands. "That's not what I meant...."

"Would you like to try that again, Prez?"

"Bolus," he said sadly. "I meant to say bolus. I was just a few letters off...."

I made the class practice the word, and they all erupted into giggles again. Then, while diagramming the digestive system, we decided to draw the bolus sliding down the esophagus.

"Can I draw it as a circle?" one kid asked.
"Just don't draw it as TWO!" another replied.

Indeed. Please do not draw it as two.

Utopia

2011-11-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

So here's the good:
The kids are great. They treat me well, and I don't have much in the way of management problems. They all have computers so I don't have a lot of paper-printing to do. They almost always have their materials-- I don't have to worry about kids not having a pencil or paper. The teachers aren't gossipy or mean. I get along with all of them. None of them are idiots. The building and facilities are beautiful. I feel safe when I'm there. I don't worry about kids getting prego or selling pot in the bathroom or packing weapons in their pants. More parents are active but respectful.

And here's....well, I'll let you judge.
1. They didn't think the state standards were good enough. So, instead of taking them, adding a few standards and upping rigor.... They ordered a series of textbooks and went page by page. Creating the standards. From a textbook.

2. They also created their own benchmark assessments. Instead of people in the district office doing it, or hiring an outside company. So, all of the teachers have the exact tests that the kids will be taking. So, many teachers show the kids the EXACT pictures or questions from the tests (sans answers), and have them analyze them/teach them the tricky questions BEFORE taking the test. And then they pat themselves on the back when the kids do well.

3. Kids can't talk in the hallways. Kids can't talk when they transition between classes. Kids can't sit with their friends at lunch. If a kid misses something small like a belt, they are given an automatic detention. Ditto for talking in the halls. Ditto for gum chewing or any form of food. (Yes, I know. Crack down on the small, and you crack down on the large. Broken windows theory. I get it. But at some point, isn't it all just a little too much? I mean, they are MIDDLE SCHOOLERS). There are no second chances. Unless you're one of the few naughties. Then, you get millions of chances and your "suspension" consists of you sitting in the teacher workroom and eating all of our snacks, and having happy-happy-daffodils-and-kittens talks about your rehabilitation.

4. Instead of calling parents whenever a kid is being a punkass in class, you have to tell the kid's adviser. Then, this person has to make all the calls, do all the meetings etc. So, if I have advisees who have no problems in my class, but problems in others, I have to do everything. And if I want to talk to a parent directly, I'm not supposed to.

5. The technology doesn't work. We run out of paper. Copy machines don't work. We can't get materials for the kids to do real science with, but we are told we can. And then we get a passive aggressive answer instead of a straight up no. And we can't raise money to get things with our kids.

Add to these, personal affronts.
I have been personally ridiculed when my group of girls didn't perform a skit as well as they "should have." Even though getting them to work TOGETHER was huge, and a bonding experience, that didn't matter. In front of everyone, myself and my girls were told that we weren't prepared, and that we were wasting everyone's time.

I have been told I shouldn't tease my kids, because the kids don't understand the difference between playful teasing and bullying, and that my behavior creates bullies.

I have been told that I can't give nicknames, because it might hurt a kid's feelings. And what happens if they don't like a nickname?

I have been told that, even though its clear that I'm not racist, that a stupid comment taken out of context belongs in my permanent file and that I need to write an essay on my choices.

I am told over and over again that my "presentations aren't everything" and that I should just be taking materials from other people (even if it sucks), because the lesson plans are more important than the materials, apparently. And lesson plans? Due way before we teach. So, then I write them, then don't follow them because things just CHANGE, then have to rewrite them.

You know those movies where there's this beautiful town, and a new family moves in? They look at the perfect grass and houses and sunny skies and though everything looks SO perfect.... but something just feels off? There's some little detail that one notices, but brushes off like-- why are there no birds here? Oh, never mind. And then, when they're all settled in, all hell breaks looks and they realize they are actually in the seventh circle?

Yep.

Welcome to my world, little bluebirds.

Miss J = Big Bad Wolf

2011-10-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today.
One of my girls told me that my tattoo was a sin and that she was worried for my soul. I apparently desecrated my temple. Her words. No shit.

Last week.
A girl told me that all atheists worship the devil.

Also, a parent thought I was racist for cracking a joke in class. (I told a boy who kept making ridiculous noises I was going to give him a girl's name, and the class decided it was going to be something with lots of punctuation. Therefore, I am George Bush and don't like black people.) This is going in my permanent file.

My favorite teacher at the school is resigning because the principal apparently won't let her teach using inquiry, even though when she taught in her previous state, she had some of the best damn test scores in the district.

The assistant principal thinks its okay if boys punch the shit out of each other because the intent was playful. So, who gives a flying pig's colon if it sets a bad precedent? Let's just use positive framing and talk happy to them. That'll fix it!

My partner teacher is pissed because I don't want to use his lessons and want him to plan on his own, so I can make my own resources that contain more than the kids turning and talking, and then taking notes all hour.

Same old shit with a shiny wrapper.

Sad to say.... I miss my old school.

I suck at this

2011-08-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

So, let's talk about how I don't know how to make friends.

Most girls my age-ish end their sentences on a high note as if they are asking a question. And love to go tanning. And talk about how much they are going to drink over the weekend. And call students cray-cray. And scream when they see mice.

None of them are bad people. In fact, most I've met are downright intelligent and good at their jobs. Its just.... I have absolutely nothing in common with them outside of teaching.

So, I sit their quietly and TRY to think of something nice/funny/interesting to say. This usually results in me saying something I think is hilarious, to which dead silence rocks the room OR, my comment gets ignored completely.
The flip side is: I say something I think is hilarious, and its comes off as really sarcastic, and they seem a little offended. Shit.

Now the guys-- the guys I'm good with. I can make friends with them. Or anyone who is older than I am. Or any woman who likes other women. But women my own age? Forget it. They're like another species.

Where are all the women who still love playing in the rain, do ridiculous things WITHOUT being inebriated, love being outside, don't give two poops about designer labels, and read instead of watching trashy tv? Where are they?

They must exist.

Last week, a new student described me as being "insanely confident." With kids.... this is true. With adults... its a toss up. One of my co-workers (a trustworthy male who cracks me up every 5 seconds) said that I did come off a bit standoffish. I don't mean to. It just... happens.

But, maybe this is why I'm good with weirdo middle-schoolers. I still know what it feels like to be awkward.

Toto, we are not in Phoenix anymore.

2011-07-14T17:20:00.001-07:00

So, I've officially started my new job. Almost three weeks ago now. The first week was an intensive, ass-kicking training, and now-- its summer school. Yes, I said it. Summer school. But, for the most part, not to punish the kids. No, we are there to train them on How to Act in School.

How we Do Things Here. How to play games and show respect, responsibility, courage, curiosity, and integrity while doing their best. How to work hard and stay organized. How to sit. How to raise their hands. How to watch whoever is speaking at all times. How to train, like samurais, to go to college.

Here are some snippets from the last three weeks.

1. Yesterday, while in detention (which we call "refocus"), a 6th grade, low-income, minority student said to me "Talking in the halls is not conducive to a focused learning environment."

2. The kids, on the first day, jumped to their feet, put on their uniform shirts for the first time...and cheered.

3. The kids' big rebellion last year was using. Using mechanical pencils.

4. We are supposed to take "brain breaks" mid-class, which can mean suddenly doing ninja poses, moves from the evolution of dance, or tae bo for 30 seconds before returning to work.

5. People have already observed me teach multiple times and have given me feedback both orally and in writing to egg me on.

6. I have already collaborated and successfully made lesson plans with another intelligent human. Twice.

7. Pig dissection. Virtual human anatomy lab. A new touch-screen work computer.

8. A man from the medical school came to talk to the kids, looked out at all of us, looked back at the kids and said "Don't screw this up. You have an amazing opportunity, and these people-- they're here because they LOVE YOU. Don't forget that."

Where the hell am I?

Promotion

2011-05-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again. 8th grade promotion. The day couldn't come fast enough, and now that it's here, I'm kind of shocked. I went to dinner last night with a former student-- one I've known since she was a 6th grader, now nearly 4 years ago-- and thought "Wasn't your promotion ceremony just a week ago?" My babies are growing up so fast. My first class of kids will be juniors! How does this happen? I'm having my ten-year high school reunion and they're juniors.

I can see how one could lose 20 years to this job in the blink of an eye. Time speeds up as your body slows down.

Today, to be frightfully cliche, is the closing of a chapter. The kids will give their speeches, we'll all hug and take pictures, I'll clean my already-barren room, and then... I'll be gone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Promotion just ended. I cried tureens of tears. Becca, one of my favorites, gave a speech and quoted a letter I had given her earlier this year about never giving up and being a leader, and thanked me for being an inspiration and I criiiiiiied. I walked out the door, bawling my eyes out, into a sea of kids who wanted a picture taken. And of course, some of my favorite kids disappeared before I got to say goodbye to them. Another student's mother thanked me for a good FIVE MINUTES for teaching her daughter high level material, and for never giving up, and for making sure she got a high quality education.

I am exhausted, emotionally drained, and intellectually burnt out. But, strangely, somewhat happy.

Goodbye Rafe, Anthony, Figueroa, Nathaly, Becca, Melissa, Alan, Destiny, Ernesto, Lemus, Alyssa, Nando, Albert, Zyra, Javier, Kevin, Ivonne, Dimples, David, Juan, Sarina....... and all the rest.

Well, Mary didn't have sex at all, and she had ONE kid so...

2011-05-20T23:10:00.001-07:00

According to our secretary, a former student (who is now in 10th grade) came in to visit and told her that he was having a girl, or maybe a boy. He wasn't sure. He thought maybe it could be twins. Or triplets. He thought it was probably a couple babies because....

"I got 'er pretty good."

Whaaaaat?! Wait a second.

YOU GOT HER PRETTY GOOD?

You think that. Because you banged your chick hard. That you're having SEVERAL BABIES?

Holy crap. Can we please (for the love of, oh, say, OUR PLANET) teach sex ed?

Elemental Lunch

2011-05-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

Tyler: Hey, Alyssa, do you know what we're having for lunch today?
Alyssa: Nope!
Tyler: (sings) There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

Alyssa:Sounds good!

Without missing a beat.

Love this class.

Runny

2011-05-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Javier(super smart, funny kid) writes: "As he was runny down the hallway..."
Me: "Runny" down the hallway?
Javier: Yeah.
Me: RUNNY?! Runny. Running. Runny. RunnING.
Javier: Oh crap.
Me: He was what, dripping down the hallway? That's gross.
Javier: I MEANT RUNNING AND YOU KNOW IT.
Me: Oh! I know, I know! He's a slug. He's a slug and he's dripping his slime all over the hallway. Oh, poetic. I like it. (draws dripping slug on the board)
Javier: One little mistake. I make OOOONE little mistake and this is what I get.
Me: If you start crying, and leave the room, your nose will be runny all down the hallway.
Javier: You're not going to let this go, are you?
Me: Nope!

Two days later--
I get a teacher appreciation card from him. He drew a slug, and signed it "Runny."

The Nicest Thing

2011-04-27T07:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, we had a short meeting after school. The principal talked about yet ANOTHER teacher who isn't coming back for the remainder of the year, then turned to celebrate our rookie and teacher of the year--both of which were elementary school teachers. We all clapped, went home.

This morning, as I walked up to my door, I saw Mr. Ag holding my door shut. I gave him a pretty inquisitive look and he let me in. "....Surprise!" The social studies teacher said. There, standing in the dark, were the 7th grade science teacher Ms. G, 7/8th grade math teacher Ms. H, Mr. Ag and Mr. K. With balloons. And a card. And roses.

I just stared at them in my typical pre-9am zombie state.

"What.....is this all about?"

"You should have been teacher of the year," Mr. K said.
"There should really be two-- they don't know what we deal with up here," Ms. G said.
"You deserve it."

I just about burst into tears and didn't know what to say. I gave them a hug and then shooed them all out in my grateful awkwardness.

The card, sitting on my desk said:

From All of Us
Sometimes your day is awesome
and turns out exactly right,
Sometimes no matter what you do,
it's like an uphill fight.
But whether days are up or down,
or who knows what direction,
We're always in your corner like
a little cheering section.

Then, little notes--

I love you! You were the best mentor teacher that I could ever ask for and you are an awesome friend. Can't wait until you are done with school so we can just relax together!
--Ms. G

I think that out of everybody here, you were one of the main people that were my support. Thank you! You are the teacher of the year! -- Ms. H

You're an amazing teacher! You've helped me out so much this year; we're all going to miss you! -- Mr. K

You are the teacher of the year many times over. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you, and you're going to do amazing things next year. -- Mr. Ag

I sat there, in the dark, and just stared at the goodness, fought tears, and then scampered down to my faux sister, Ms. R's room to tell her.

Isn't that the nicest thing? It has been a while since I've had happy tears.

Toe-Mas.

2011-04-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

You know you teach in AZ when....

you pronounce Tomas "toe-MAS" and think "Tom-us" sounds wrong.

That horse must go to DMS!

2011-04-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

I was looking up books on writing summative assessments and authentic, performance based assessments.

This is what I found.
1. Test Better, Teach Better
2. Gobbledegook
3. Mathy goobledegook.

4. BOMBPROOF YOUR HORSE?!

What the .......

Who even writes that book?

They should go back....

2011-04-25T18:39:00.001-07:00

My school's marquee (I think that's the right word... the sign thing) spelled school....

schooll.

Also, on the girls' athletic t-shirts...they left a letter OUT of the school's name.

What a sad commentary.

Genre Study for 3rd Graders

2011-04-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

HA!
This woman teaching 3rd grade thinks it would be a good idea to have her 3RD GRADERS all research different genres of literature and report on them. That's how they will learn genre.

3rd graders.

I asked her if she has books or things they can look at and compare, you know, like a basket of folktales/myths/fantasy/sci fi/etc. etc. etc.

No, she says. They can just, you know, google about them.

Oh. Have you read a lot in class together so they have some prior knowledge to connect to?

Well, I mean, we read outloud every day, but we don't talk about genre.

Okay, so, then, if you were creating a rubric about what they should know, what would you say would be important? What would you have them compare and contrast? Character types? Settings? Big ideas or themes-- that might be kind of hard for them...What scaffolding would you give them?

Uh, I don't know. They'll just look on google.

Wow.

Shushing Shannan

2011-04-25T10:11:00.001-07:00

Instead of doing the warm up this morning, this girl (let's call her Shannan) in my first hour class decided to write this:

"I got your legs spard over the bed hands clash the sheets hair wild hell I know the only on mind sexing me girl I can feel your tempure rising you should my naral to come on its going to a bomp ride drop boy in the back set window should get deep fock all over the glass I don't know how I can last with you"

Hmm. That doesn't look a WHOLE like Newton's 1st law. I mean, I guess objects in motion...

Anyhow, I took it from her and quietly told her she would have a detention after I read it (this was after she'd already given me hell for being out of dress code.). In typical DMS fashion, she started screaming at me-- how dare I have the right to take her things, she'd write the lyrics all over. I just said "Okay. That's fine. Enjoy that." In a very NON sarcastic, sweet voice. She kept going, yelling at me, grumbling about how I couldn't do NOTHING.

Until the boys in my class started shushing her.

"I ain't gonna---- SHHHH!" ---...serve no detention...."
"I don't have to -- SHHHHHHHH!....listen to anything you ---SHHH!!! ....say...."

From time to time the kids looked back at me to gage my reaction, I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders like "Whatcha gonna do?" They all giggled.

I call that a win.

Other Teachers' Biggest Problems

2011-04-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

Some of the teachers* in my grad program:

"My biggest problem? Well, these kids!! They are all farm kids and sometimes they come to school with cow manure on their boots. And they NEVER have pencils. It is soooooooo irritating. I mean, how do you not have a pencil! Bring a pencil! Unbelievable."

"I did my action research on kids who have too much homework. Studies show that students have too much homework get stressed, their health levels decrease, and they are more prone to cheating just to keep up. At the all-girls college prep I work at, students have on average do 2 hours of homework a night, plus 3 hours of extra-curriculars, and they are only getting about 6 hours of sleep a night which is just too little. This is a huge problem."

"I have 27 kids in my classroom which includes 7 special ed students in self-contained 5th grade. How am I supposed to meet all of their needs? Some are gifted, some are, I guess you'd say your average students, and then the special education students. They all read at different levels, they all do math at different levels...and the ones who need to do the homework the MOST never do."

After this.... my professor called on me. I guess I was making incredulous faces and she wanted to know my perspective....All I kept thinking was "How do I say what I have to say and NOT sound like a bitch?"

*Some of these people are doing their student teaching after having a career in something else....

I < 3 my Old Students!

2011-04-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

Former student's text: That really sucks that your new kids aren't as cool as we were! But you are a really nice person,and I think you can find a better job. Like seriously, you are amazing in drawing,good in writing stories, and you're really, really smart. And you're still young, Miss J! I think you will find the great career you want. You deserve it! :)

Clarification

2011-04-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

By "it worked" I meant our meeting-- the superintendent came to our school to present some awards to staff members who have been there forEVER, and our principal said that if anyone had something they wanted to talk to him about now.... speak now or forever hold your peace. I was the first to jump to my feet and grab my stuff. 5 others followed.

We told the superintendent about Our Very Student's violent record (most of which was news to him because the people who did the investigation didn't do their jobs....), and how our safety, and the safety of our students was at stake. He had just been talking about both loyalty and safety, so we launched with that-- how do you expect to keep teachers, any teachers, much less the good ones, if they don't feel safe walking into their classrooms? If they are worried they're going to get hit? If their immune systems are failing and they are having panic attacks due to the stressful and toxic environment? Should they have to walk in and worry about being called a fucking bitch, or told to shut the fuck up?

The computer teacher raised the point that while there were only 6 of us, there were many more who felt the same way we did, but were afraid to come forward. She cleverly insinuated that if this wasn't taken care of, and if district didn't do something to change its policies overall, that they would have a mutiny on their hands.

It worked!
We won.

'bout damn time.

Now, how about the other 6 in the 7/8th grades who desperately need more help, counseling, and behavior management than we can give them.....

Nope. They're Drama Mamas.

2011-04-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Field day went mostly without a hitch, that is, until after.

Did I tell you about the factions of girls I have in my last period? Many of them used to be bffs and now they all want to kill each other? They've gotten in several fights in the last couple of weeks.

On Friday, after field day, one of them was walking home with her mom. The mom saw the girls and said something to them about how they better not touch her daughter, how they better leave her alone.

So they jumped her.

No, I am not shitting you.

Cops were all over the place and the mom apparently had to go to the hospital, and was all scratched up. The student was a little beat up too, but not as bad as the mom.

So, they got 9 days of out of school suspension, but got to come to school today to work on their state testing. The girl, when she walked from class to class, had the other acting principal escort her like a body guard so she wouldn't get hurt.
She didn't. But, while at school, they learned that she has been hanging out with a new friend, a black girl I'll call Shaniqua.

The bell rings, and as I'm walking down the hall to get my tests, and I see this angry, angry black woman screaming, arms flailing in the air, looking for those kids-- they better not lay a finger on her, they better not lay a finger on me, where is my daughter? Where are those girls? She is screaming like a banshee, and another woman is walking behind her. There are streams of kids pouring out of classrooms, totally unfazed.

Another teacher tries to calm her down, and I run into the closest teacher's room to have her call the front office. A couple minutes later, I see her in the front of the school, still screaming, as our principal tries to calm her down.

Then, I see Shaniqua. "Shaniqua-- you okay? Your mom looked like she was about ready to pop somebody!"

Shaniqua laughs.

"I'm fine and yeah, she was. She's worried that those girls that jumped A's mom were going to jump us too."

Sweet Christ.

Yooooou're OUT!

2011-04-11T16:51:00.001-07:00

IT WORKED!

Our Very Student is now enrolled at the school for students with behavioral problems above and beyond what the typical teacher is trained for!

I will not have to see her for the remainder of the year!

WE WIN!

*victory dance*

She's Lethal

2011-04-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Above, on the slide, D holds a dodge ball. She glares at the students below her as if to ask "Who threw this at me?!"

Below....

Jose: (matter of factly) Miss J, D can use ANYTHING as a weapon.
D: Shuuuut UP!
Jose: See? Now she is using her mouth as a weapon.

You're neeeeever there

2011-04-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like singing that Cake song today. You're never there, you're NEVER there! You're never, ever, ever, ever there! do do do, do do do....

Today, 8 of the students in my last period either:
1. Are in in-school suspension
2. Have an out of school suspension
3. Are skipping
4. Are in the hospital

Every day, it is like this, only every day it is a DIFFERENT set of 8 that are gone. Do you know how hard it is to BUILD on prior knowledge when they are NEVER IN CLASS?

ARGHHHHHH.

You'd think I'd be happy that so many are missing from my Hell Class. But, honestly, it just makes it harder. I only really need to move out two.....

You can call me your Drama Mama

2011-04-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today's Tragedy, Drama & Hilarity:

1. Tragedy: A girl in my last period class is rumored to be in the hospital after a suicide attempt.

2. Drama: Was one of 6 teachers who spoke to the superintendent about Our Very Student and her horrific track record. During The Incident, one staff member's back actually got THROWN OUT and she had to go to URGENT CARE. The people who did the initial investigation did NOT get all of the paperwork on her, and thought she had only 4 write ups all year... but had NONE of the documentation that led up to that. Maybe something will change?

3. Hilarity:
Gym teacher: okay, people, go grab the balls. You need at least fifteen balls. If you can, grab extra balls.
Osuna: Oh, I'll grab my--
Me: OSUNA!
Osuna: What?
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT!
Osuna: heh. heh. heh.

This is setting a GREAT precedent.

2011-04-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Um.

The student who attacked the principal.
Is back in school.
Roaming the hallways like nothing's wrong.

What the [expletive deleted] is going on?
What kind of precedent does this set to all the other kids who regard her as a hero?
WHY doesn't the district BELIEVE us when we tell them what happened?
WHY are they taking the word of the mother who had her kid ARRESTED?

ARGKDSJHFDKJSFHDFJKH!!!!!

I am turning into the Hulk.
I may march my butt down to the superintendent's office myself.

Anxiety

2011-03-30T14:12:00.001-07:00

In the middle of my 4-5 block yesterday, I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out. I was sent home by the nurse and the assistant principal.

This is not awesome.

The Shit Show Continues!

2011-03-28T13:25:00.001-07:00

Step right up, step right up! Only five cents to peek behind the curtain! We have all SORTS of heinous acts for your viewing pleasure.

Would you care to see.....

An assistant principal who is removed so an investigation can take place over whether or not he was within his rights in restraining a screaming, violent individual, leaving NEITHER of the original principals at the school-- but an interim, and another guy from the district?

A mother insisting that her daughter, the raging student in question, would not lie?

The very student herself, 5'6", stout and very strong, booming voice and facial piercings galore?

Step right up!

For an extra five cents, come and see ToDaY's special acts:

8:15-3:15 The Invisible Assistant Principal. Is he still removed, or is he a ghost? Come and see for yourself!

8:15-11:00: The student in question! Yes, folks, the VERY ONE! She is at school for your viewing pleasure, and you can see her--for your own safety-- from behind the glass of the ISS room. Why is she still in the school? Why has she not been removed? Or expelled? Ahh, a mystery indeed!

12:00ish: Be privy to a call home to the Very Student's Mother to inform her that her daughter does indeed need to be wearing dress code appropriate clothing just like every other student! Take with you this lesson, boys and girls, and listen to it well.......... Violence is just fine, just as long as you dress appropriately! Enjoy the fisticuffs and delight in your right to fight for noooooo consequences! Yes, here at DME we believe in the sanctity of anarchy. Step right up!

12:00ish: Witness the very student with her mother, right beyond the front office doors. Yes! Out of captivity and temporarily free. Do you dare step inside the lion's territory? But wait--there's more. Feast your eyes and enjoy the epic scene of MOTHER AND DAUGHTER SCREAM/FIGHT EXTRAVAGANZA! If you are patient, wait and you will see the police make a special appearance, cuffing our Very Student and taking her away in cuffs...

To be continued....

Let's use our WORDS people....

2011-03-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, two girls in my last class got into a huge brawl at lunch, and had to be separated by my favorite student, B, because no one else could tear them apart-- teachers included.

That apparently heightened tensions between two groups of girls in my last period class because today (while I was in bed, sick and curled in the fetal position), two MORE girls from the same class, two girls I have NEVER had problems with, started brawling. (Can you please tell me why this is their answer to every problem?)

A third girl, the one who regularly gets up in my face and has to be removed from my class, videotaped the fight with her phone. The assistant principal asked her for the video, she refused, and it escalated until SHE STARTED THROWING PUNCHES AT HIM.

Holy. Crap.

I guess the cops came, and when they got there, our AP was restraining her using his training. Knees on her back.

Unbelievable.

Yes!

2011-03-24T19:47:00.001-07:00

1) Two days in a row: not one student cursed at me.
2) Nemesis student number one was actually FUN.
3) A student stayed after school and raised his grade from a 16% to a 64% and now has a total of 14 100%'s in various competencies and only 3 major areas in which to improve.
4) I got to bond with my favorite girl after school, who told me her hellish life story. Now, I respect her all the more.

IT WAS A GOOD DAY!

Time to celebrate.

Thoughts on the Senate Letter

2011-03-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, someone who subbed in my district wrote a scathing letter about our students to the SENATE. While the author did not sub at my school, the attention has been causing a lot of outrage, and controversy. It also fired up the immigration debate further as it was read on the senate floor.

You can read about it here at NPR or here.

This sparks...well, a bit of outrage, and yet, a sad sigh.

First, let me just say that the articles that have said that "we should be listening to teachers" makes me a bit infuriated. Subbing is an insanely hard job. Some subs have been teachers. But just because the person subs, doesn't mean they are a teacher, have any experience teaching, or know how to handle high-needs kids. We have had subs spread religious paraphernalia, tell our kids they were useless, scream at them, talk on their cell phones the entire hour, shop on the computer, and read magazines. Subs do not command a lot of respect unless they are seasoned veterans of the field, usually. Most are not. So, while I know there are most likely a great number out there who are legitimately good, the ones we tend to get.... have no idea what world they are walking into, do not know how to deescalate a situation, do not have content knowledge, and are still living in the 50s.

That being said....

There are a lot of good kids in our school (despite the year I'm having, I still believe that), and a lot of good kids that have gone through our school. There's a group of former students that are graduating a year early because they were fast-tracked on so many advanced classes. Many have been accepted to the community college for their senior year to build up additional credits before they're ready to go to a university, including some that aren't graduating early.

They call or text me to see if I'm doing okay, they invite me to their quinceneara's (I know I butchered the spelling of that)-- they invite me over for dinner. There are some great, great families.

But there are also some tragic stories. I learned that one of my FAVORITES from last year is in juvie. I don't know why, and while I knew he hung with a crowd that wasn't so great, I didn't think he'd actually get in trouble.

So, I guess that's the crux of it. It isn't that there are a lot of horrid kids that want to be gang bangers. There are a lot of good kids, and a couple of really, really bad seeds. And those seeds can poison a few and take them down with them. Just today, five of my girls got suspended for 5 days for having vodka at school and I can almost guarantee you it was due to the influence of a new pretty, popular girl who just started a couple weeks ago.

They want to be loved, they want acceptance, and they want to feel successful. But when their parents aren't around (whether they're good parents or not), when their teachers routinely quit on them (by giving up, leaving year after year) or when they have first year teachers EVERY YEAR..... they need to find that acceptance somewhere else. So, some find it in gangs. And some get into such terrible trouble because it is the only way to get that so-desired attention from their parents.

Furthermore, these kids feel totally de-validated every. single. day. This state has made it law that we can't speak Spanish to them. They know about SB1070 and are outraged because many of them ARE citizens and feel like they are being profiled and that their civil liberties are at risk. They know about the schools in Tucson that offered a Hispanic or African view on American history and were pummeled for it. White culture is promoted. Latin culture is denied.

So, how would you feel? How would you react?

I'm not defending the kids who have no respect, who treat me (and others) like total crap, and have no discipline. There should be tough consequences for those who bring drugs or alcohol to school, start riots, or are defiant. Yet, in teaching we learn that sometimes--SOMETIMES-- when shit is hitting the fan, we have to look at ourselves.

Maybe the kids all failed that test because we did a sucky job teaching.
Maybe the kids are all failing because we as a STATE are doing a sucky job supporting parents, creating programs for lower income families, and educating the youth.

We ask them to take responsibility all the time-- but do those with the power ever do the same? Or do they pass the buck? It is easier, far easier to blame the children rather than to say that YOU might be the fault.

Barney Backfired

2011-03-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Luis: Miss J, will you wait for me?
Me: For you to what?
Luis: You know, wait till I'm 18 so you can marry me? I'll wear all purple. Purple hat with a feather in it, purple suit, cane, so I'll look like--
Me: Barney?
Luis: I love you, you love me, we're--
Me: (my expression says: shit.)
Luis: That really backfired on you, didn't it?

I win!

2011-03-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am doing the new-job-dance right now.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have interviewed extensively at a few different places in My New City of Awesomeness.

All had something very different to offer-- hardcore science and tech at one, insanely high achievement and collaboration at another, teachers with loads of teaching and travel experience at the international school, and a focus on sustainability and a holistic teaching approach at the green school.

For one school, I not only was interviewed 4 times in one day (the principal, assistant principal, discipline guru, and curriculum specialist separately), but also taught a 50 minute lesson, and watched another teacher so I could talk about their strengths and weaknesses (hello, hot seat). At the end of a grueling and exciting day, the assistant principal told me if I had any other offers, I had to contact them immediately. By Monday, I had a job offer. I had a week to get back to them.

So, then the next wave of interviews started and I found one place that stood out just a TINY bit more than the rest. In talking to one of the principals, I learned that they use the tenants of BRAIN RULES to plan their instruction. OH MY GOD! BRAIN RULES! I have been trying to get teachers to read this book for YEARS. And their WHOLE SCHOOL uses it? And their kids all have laptops? And their high school boosts a 100% admittance to college rate? Holy crap.I got off the phone with her and bounced around the house like a caffeinated cricket. AND they have 85 minute science blocks? AND I only teach three classes? AND there's time built into the day to collaborate with the teacher who teaches the same content as you. WAIT-- there IS A TEACHER WHO TEACHES THE SAME CONTENT AS YOU?

Did I say holy crap?

Incredible. A totally perfect fit.

Then, the next day, the third school called and put me through their first interview. E-mailed me the second day telling me they wanted me to come out, teach, and do that whole rigamarole again, that I was a really strong candidate but blah blah blah. By that time, it didn't matter.

I had already accepted.

So, its settled-- new home, here I come!

I have to say though, that I am very grateful for the experience I've gotten at this school now. While this year has been far from the best, each year I've grown exponentially. The struggles I've faced--from having to create all curriculum totally from scratch, to having kids who speak no English at all (to having kids call me a bitch nearly every day).... all if it has made me the teacher that I am. So-- a big thank you also goes out to the kids, the teachers and the admin that helped me or pushed me along the way.

I always thought if I put in my years, I would get to go wherever I wanted. And now, I know that's true.

Dear Arizona

2011-03-06T20:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Arizona,
Go ahead. Keep putting scorpions on my shower curtain. Blast me with your heat rays. Fill my classroom with malevolent hoodlums. Ensure that nasty rumors spin like tumbleweed. Hail on my parade. Cause my feet to swell with ant bites. Do your worst. Because in June, I'll be out. What's that? The economy sucks, how will I ever find a job out there? Your taunts fall on deaf ears, my friend.

Because I already did. You may now congratulate me, Arizona, for I have navigated your terrain and as of next week-- my lily white butt belongs to A Seriously Awesome School in Denver. My kids will all have laptops instead of fisticuffs (Okay, they might have laptops AND fisticuffs. Who am I kidding?) I will spend my preps collaborating instead of commiserating.

I have a shiny star to affix my eye upon now, Arizona. So you can not get me down.

Love,
Miss J

Love

2011-03-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

The decision to leave has been weighing on me for weeks.

While every class period, I count down the minutes until I have the next, I am also counting down the days until summer. But probably not for the reason you'd think.

Will.
The Branams.
Monica.
"Carmen Miranda"
Maritza.
Little Alex.
Monica, Julio, Vianey, Yesenia.
Castro, Aidan, Angelica, Miguel, Jesus O., Bayron
Bryanna, Crystal, Jessica, Karla, Juan S., Jesus & Pedro....

There are a hundred reasons why I don't want to leave. All of them are former students.

So, I couldn't wait any more. I had to tell them.

So, last week, I went on my teacher facebook page (I created one like how celebrities and politicians do so we could keep in touch) and told them I needed to call a meeting. Texted those whose numbers I had. Told them all to spread the word. Many called back, or emailed to tell me they couldn't make it.

But there were probably 50 kids in my room today. For most of them, I bounded out of my chair and shrieked their names before hugging them.

When they all settled in, I began to speak. I told them about my year, and how much I have struggled. My stolen ipod, the sheer disrespect, and I watched as their lips pursed and their brows furrowed. They sat, in total silence while I described the hell that has been this year.

And then I told them that I kept staying year after year for them. That I loved them. That they were my family. That I was so, so grateful to have been a part in their lives. That they were so important to me, and always would be. And I started to cry.

I told them I was moving to Denver, a 16 hour car ride away.

I saw some of my girls were starting to cry, seeing my tears, and when I looked at Big Will's face, my chest got tight.

They rallied around me, hugged me, told me it was okay. And then, for the next hour and a half, they stayed. To get me caught up. To hug me. To tell me it was okay to take care of myself. To beg me to take them with me.

Monica came and took my hand. "This is what you need. We will be okay. We always have your back, okay?" I started to cry again.

Love-- I burst with it for these kids. They have my heart, so the guilt I feel about leaving them is immense-- a giant thunderhead looming, leaving me covered in rain. They are my little sisters, my little brothers. So, I needed their permission. Yet even now, having it- I am all choked up. I know there will be new babies, but these kids will always be some of the most important people in my life.

I invited Becca, the girl who saves me every day during my Hell Class, to stay. As far as I was concerned, she'd earned her stripes for me already. She's already one of them. So, she stayed, and watched as the kids poured in, watched as I yelled their names as they ran toward me, watched their expressions as I talked and heard them voice their fury. Saw their sadness.

After I was done, and the kids were lingering, talking to me and reuniting with each other, I turned to Becca. "You know, you don't have to stay."
She just shook her head and took it all in.

Later, as Maritza was leaving, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Becca, next to me said "That's how it should be, Miss J."

As hard as teaching is, and as much as I feel like I am being beaten down every. single. day. Leaving these kids is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Welcome to the Abyss

2011-03-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

I came back to see that all of my crayons were broken into two or three pieces, scattered around the room. A giant tupperwear container of them, big enough to fit a couple pairs of shoes in. And every single one was split.
I had to throw them out. We can no longer use crayons in this class.

My floor is filthy, covered with ink splotches and crayon streaks, like Picasso and Jackson Pollock worked in grime instead of paint. The undersides of my tables are coated with gum and gunk. Graffiti is all over. Nigger. Bitch. Fuck this. Call -------- for head. Becca's got a big dick. All over my room. All over the bathroom's four walls and stalls. This girl has big titties, that girl has a small dick.

A student gave me a stuffed animal dog for my birthday, a toy that clearly used to belong to her. They ripped its head off.

Another student gave me a chocolate bunny for Easter.
They ate it.

The giant sign on my wall that says MISS J and has notes from all of my students from two years ago, thanking me.....a giant gash right down the middle.

The models I made for the sub, so they would know what to do, destroyed, torn to pieces.

Staplers, springless. Papers torn, hanging from the walls.

I wrote up a detention. The student came back to my room, ripped it to pieces, crumpled it and threw it in my face, swearing at me as he left. Two students fighting on the playground, punching each other's faces and bodies, tell me they don't have to go to the office, they don't have to listen to anything I say because they didn't do anything wrong. I get back to class and two more students are taking turns slapping each other in the face. I go off on them. The boy turns to me and says "Well, SOMEONE'S angry." Smirks.

What I considered some of my GOOD kids smoking pot in the bathroom. Kids showing up every day in tears, and can't focus because of what others have said to them.

I can't do this anymore.

Idealistic, Realistic, Pessimistic

2011-02-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

Idealistic
Yeah, I’ll change the world-
put power as knowledge into each boy and girl.
Hurdles are nothin’
we’ll soar above them,
roaring we will beat our
enemies—we’ll out race them.
Slay all the dragons
of poverty and racism.
We’ll win, World --you bring it on.
I’m armed with enough love to charm
any single demon that walks in
will be unarmed.
Classroom of misfits,
ain’t what I see,
We’re a band of heroes,
Olympian family
I’ll get ‘em all
motivated to grow
no excuses, high expectations
and we won’t plateau.
Shadows of others
won’t bring me down
deaf to the naysayers
whose rainbows have turned brown.

Realistic
Damn, this job is hard
the hippie’s retreated
a warrior’s in charge
still full of love, job’s full of reward
but the bounce in her step’s
been replaced with a sword.
If something’s not working,
I guess I’ll work harder,
these kids still need me,
and I can’t feed ‘em fodder.
They still deserve the best
that I can offer,
lessons from Midas
served on a gold platter.
Still, I’m starting to feel like
I can’t do enough to matter
Want to adopt all these sons and daughters.

Pessimistic
Remember the days I thought I
could do it all,
stormed into the schoolyard head high, walking tall.
But the world has chewed up my
babies and spit them out.
Drugs and pregnancy,
jail time and doubt.
They don’t believe what they did
just a year before, and they’ve got no one
to open up a door—
No assets, just asses leading them in the
wrong direction, and I couldn’t be there
to protect them.
And those in my room, graffiti and steal.
Call me a bitch,
don’t care how I feel.
Reeling, the tears glisten as they tell me
matter-of-factly
they don’t have to listen.
Still, I work harder through sobs,
as my boss tells me I’m not doing my job.
Five years now, and I’m the best teacher
yet, but feel wounded and poisoned
like a Vietnam vet.
But he must be right—so few call me mom.
They’d rather brawl in the hallways
and sound the alarms, spray paint
the bathroom and call to arms.
Throw up drunk in my room,
call me a cunt as tell me to
"Get back in my room.
Bitch, don’t you have some teaching to do?"
Excitement’s lost, stomach’s knotted
why am I trying when I can’t
accomplish?
Want to reach all, but teach to a few
the strong and aware,
Those who still see I love, and
how much I care.
For them, I walk tall and plan for each day
putting on a fake smile that’s
withered away.
Don’t want to admit it, am on the defense
but the naysayers now are starting
to make sense.

Support

2011-02-13T17:39:00.000-08:00

Teaching has got to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet. I don't care what you say-- to be a good one, you have to be as smart as a doctor, as creative as an artist, as calmly argumentative as a lawyer, plus being insanely analytical, organized, flexible and a good communicator. You take a beating every day, and you only survive it if there is support.

If you're a surgeon, you have some pretty intense days. A lot rests in your hands, and I'm sure the pressure can be overwhelming. Yet, your environment is usually calm. The people you're helping are sedated. And when you ask for something, it is in your hand immediately. Your team is there to assist you, no questions asked and often times, there is more than one surgeon in the room. You have to be a well-oiled machine because a life is on the line. People treat you with high regard and assume you are good at your job, you are a professional. You have status. And money. Long days, always on call,probably constantly tired, and have to sometimes tell loved ones a person has passed. But you have support for all of those things.

In a classroom, it isn't just one life that's on the line. Its every single one. But because it can be a slow decay, we don't think of it as a life and death scenario. Yet, we could never blame the medical institution for thousands of people ending up in jail each year. Not so of education.

The people you're helping? Some are great-- brilliant lightning bolts of people. Yet, some don't want to be there, and can be apathetic or see you as the enemy instead of someone who wants to help them. When you ask for something, there may not be anything to give you. There is no money to get what you need. There aren't the resources. There is not time to collaborate and plan with your team. Your administrators are too busy to solve every problem on campus. You do not feel like a priority. You are an island on your own because every man is for himself, treading water, bleeding, surrounded by sharks, just trying to survive as the work gets piled, piled, piled on. And when you can't do everything alone, you're assumed to be either incompetent or insubordinate instead of what you probably are-- overwhelmed, exhausted, frantic, overworked and doing the best you can with what you have.

Some people in the community thank you, and take you in. Some people treat you as members of their family. Some people look at you like you're a saint for what you do for the money you receive, but even they have no idea what you deal with on a day to day basis. Others are shocked to find a "teacher who actually cares." Others think you're nuts for doing your job. Others assume you're probably not very smart, that you lecture all hour, that you're a glorified babysitter, that you're the reason this country is going down the drain. The lack of respect you get from just about everyone. The hours and hours and hours of work you put in after school hours are invisible, and people just tell you how lucky you are to have the summers off.

Yet, for all this, I know I want to stay in teaching. I am good at my job. Hell. I am great at my job. But, I am tired of being an island. People have told me over the last week that education sucks out a soul, that every school does this, but I don't believe it. I can't. I still have this tiny pinpoint of hope that says that somewhere there must be people who work together, are given time, are respected, are treated right, are paid right. Are taken care of.

I need to feel taken care of. Because right now, I am just falling apart.

Crushed

2011-02-10T06:36:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to lose it.

I don't know what it is about this year, but the kids are tearing me down, bit by bit. The year started off just fine-- I liked all of my classes. Now I dread coming to school. I get sick to my stomach, and the stress of it all has caused my cold to stick around for over three weeks. My stomach has a constant pang and I'm starting to think I'm developing another pre-ulcer like I had when my parents got divorced a few years ago. I'm disgusted. Furious. Exhausted. I'm so stressed out I can't sleep, can't focus, can't even write the way I used to be able to.

One of my kids said the other day "Miss J, you NEVER get mad." I laughed because by the end of almost every day, I'm outraged. I've just gotten so good at hiding it, at keeping everything I'm feeling behind a concrete wall so that all they see is a blank expression or a forced smile when I want to scream and pull out all my hair. Take a deep breath and go help the kid who just laughed in my face and interrupted me 10 times in the last two minutes.

And a few of these kids just won't stop-- they swear at me. They tell me they don't have to listen to a fucking thing I say. They disrupt the class every. single. day. Every couple of minutes, there's something.

And if I ask them to move to a different spot in the classroom, or go to a different classroom until they're ready to learn, they take 10 minutes to get out-- creating a circus the whole time while swearing at me some more. They instigate. They start fights. They bully each other, and I don't mean the gimme-your-lunch-money bullying. No. They bring it online and smear each other's names, call each other whores and sluts and make up stories about who's slept with who. And then they come back to school and beat the crap out of each other because of the stories they created. 8th grade girls, screaming at each other as they're coming back from gym, calling each other bitches and telling each other to keep "their fucking legs closed."

So many of them don't care. Don't try. Just sit there. Absolutely no effort. No motivation, and all the incentives and reprimands in the world aren't doing anything. While I bust my butt every single day to give them something that's broken down to their level, and try to make it interesting if I can, with the resources I have....they crap all over it.

I asked a kid to rejoin my class-- he was wandering the halls, and he should have been at lunch. He starts swearing at me, muttering and cursing and acting like I just told him he was a worthless piece of... I'm sorry. Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to ask you to eat lunch with the rest of the class? To follow the same rules?

I've always been able to find something about each kid that I liked or that I respected. Maybe they weren't academically gifted, but made me laugh, could draw really well, were really helpful, had an athletic gift....something. I've always been able to find something so that no matter what, I could come back and be happy.

I'm having a really, really hard time doing that right now.

And I didn't even TEACH them anatomy!

2011-02-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

I opened up a chem book to help a student understand one of the patterns on the periodic table. On the top, written in pen it said:

"Miss J has a coochie."

And then there was a drawing of a vagina.
Splayed open like ham in a grocery advertisement.

Not a penis. Not my ass. Thanks for drawing something new, kids. Three cheers for you.

Dear Grad School

2011-02-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Grad School,
This is no love poem, no ode or sonnet.
You are. Sucking out my soul. Like some demon vampire (but without sparkly skin or everlasting love), you ask more and more of me and leave me a withered shell, a wandering zombie, with puce crescents under puffy eyes and ulcers waiting menacingly in the shadows with acronyms aplenty. BICS, CALP, SEI, LEP, SIOP-- your dastardly thugs, all tattooed across my consciousness. You consume me until I can only blather on about pedagogy; Vygotsky haunts me, Piaget j-walks across my brain.

Ahh,I was a fool to think that by year five, I would have it all! That I would be ready to conquer you with my Medusa-like glare and Amazon precision. Even more foolish-- that I could do it in a year! Ha! I hear your laugh-- that mustache twirls as you tie me to the dual train tracks, the crossroads of higher pay and higher education. But at a price!

But-- what is that I see? A light, so far away, beckoning. Three and ten more weeks, and I will have you. In my clutches. You, nothing but a piece of paper which could smolder under my gaze and flutter like peppered moths into a blackened sky.

You will be mine.

Desensitized

2011-02-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

So, apparently around 7:30 this morning there was an attempted kidnapping in the school parking lot.

A woman got out of her car, was forced back in it, possibly at knife point, but we're not sure. The guy maybe drove off? And she called 911 and managed to get out?

The details are a big foggy. But our school did make the news.

There were cop cars in the parking lot all afternoon and we had to send a letter home to the kids before they left to let them know it wasn't a random kidnapping, and that they were safe. The investigation is still going on, so we don't have a lot of details. We do know that the woman was "associated with our school but not hired by the district." Student teacher? Parent volunteer?

The strangest thing? Now that I'm home, thinking about it....We all kind of just took it in stride. Ahh, yes, someone was trying to kidnap people at school. Okay. Carry on.

Just another day.

Teaching here certainly changes your perspective.

Must be one ugly dog.

2011-02-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

A: I have a dog, too.
Me: Yeah? What is it?
A: It's part poodle part shih tzu.
Me:....
Me: You.... have a poo-shi--??
A: MISS J!!!
Me: What?

Snookified

2011-01-28T21:23:00.001-08:00

Mario: Miss J, can we call you Snooki? (Snooky? Snookie??)
Me: Do I have a fake tan?
Mario: No.
Me: Do I have huge hair?
Mario:No....
Me: Do I have the IQ of a hamster?
Mario: No....
Me: Then why in God's name would you think it was okay to nickname me THAT?
Mario: Well....
Boy #2: She looks more like J-wow.
Boy #3: No she doesn't!
Me: How about calling me Miss J. I'm cool with that name.
Gym teacher: Snooky has the IQ of a school bus.

It Continues

2011-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

One of my girls dropped out of our school to join another one. A smart girl, one I really liked. She'd gotten out of school suspension (OSS) for 9 days because she was caught drinking vodka out of a water bottle at school. She told on another girl, and then was too afraid to come back-- because the rest of the girls were going to beat her up for being a snitch.

Two of my boys made a bet to see who could "f*** the new slut first." A girl who's new, and pretty, and wears slightly tight clothing and lots of blush but is a good kid. She found out, and humiliated, was sobbing in my class. One of these boys was also caught SMOKING POT AT SCHOOL earlier this week.

Another student got up in my face, like UP IN MY FACE, like an angry dog ready to pounce, yelled at me and wouldn't back down, as I calmly told her she couldn't get under my skin, but that this wasn't the best choice ever. She kept going, challenging me, telling me I should go back to class. GO BACK TO CLASS! GO BACK THERE AND GO TEACH! YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO. Pointing and shouting at me. I won't go to the office, I won't do anything you say. GO DO YOUR JOB! Staring me down, ready to pounce.

Another student said the detention he received for skipping a lesser sentence TWICE was bullshit, and my fault-- even after I wrote him sticky note reminders both times.

I don't yell.
I don't scream.
I try really, really hard to make each new day a fresh start-- to not hold grudges.
I don't let them see when they ruffle my feathers.
I try to give them choices.

But they make me feel like shit.
I am so disappointed in them as human beings.

:(

2011-01-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

I never crab about administration, other teachers, advisers and so on-- I think it's cowardly and lacks class. Fixating on the negative usually only makes you more negative, and I don't want to be That Guy--especially when there are people (like the reading AA, for example) who give us lots of awesome, quick strategies to use in the class. Or the technology teacher who is always trying to integrate our content into hers.

But I will say this-- I am not happy.

This job is exhausting. We're all exhausted. Every single one of us, from district level down, mostly likely has so much work to do that, well.... we can't do ANYTHING well. And now with talk of more budget cutbacks, the problem worsens. As one teacher said to me-- the district cuts back, but we never can. We get the opposite-- as they cut back, we get more work to do, not less. And not exactly for fair compensation either. So then you end up with a huge group of people who are overworked and underpaid, all with impossibly high expectations on their heads, surrounded by a whirlwind of negative, catty people.

Someone asked me the other day how I've managed to make it here for five whole years already... These days, I'm not sure.

Grad school plays a role in how burnt out I'm feeling, as does the time of year (I always want to quit around the beginning of February....) but never before have I felt so under appreciated and downright depressed.

No, they will not chop your balls off.

2011-01-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

Yay for teaching science.

Two years ago, I had a few girls that would tell me about their (or "their friend's") STD issues. It is a strange compliment-- knowing they are comfortable enough to talk to you, while assuming you're smart enough to know something about it. But still disturbing. This time, it wasn't a girl.

Student A pulled me out into the hallway to tell me, in a bashful and embarrassed voice, that he has a lump on his "well, I guess you could say, my testicle" and that he was afraid he has cancer and is going to die.

And then started describing it in detail, stuttering "I mean, not to gross you out.... I'm just..."

"A. You are probably fine. It's good that you know your body that well. Since you've got all those hormones in your system, there's a good chance, your body is just doing something funky, but anything out of the normal should be checked. Do you have a guy that can bring you to the doctor just in case?"

"...So I'm not going to die?!?!"

"The chances of you having a tumorous cancer at your age are pretty slim. I'm saying its probably nothing. BUT, if it is something, you probably caught it in time.... and if that is true, then the doctors can take care of it before it becomes a serious problem."

"So, if I go to the doctor, I'll probably be fine?"

"Yes. Most likely. Million to one."

"They won't.......chop my balls off?"

(How I did not burst into laughter is a miracle)

"I think you are probably safe."

"But, I had a family member who had cancer, and sometimes they have to cut into you to see if you have it..."

"That's a biopsy. And they just need a tiny, tiny piece of tissue. A few cells. You don't even have to be put to sleep when they take it."

"So, if I go to the doctor they're going to put a NEEDLE in my...."

......This conversation lasted far too long.

There's Only so Much

2011-01-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today some of my former students came to visit me. I always start off so happy to see them-- especially those I haven't seen in a while, or those I know had the potential of falling into the wrong future.

After today, I especially needed to hear something good. Why? Well, I finally made it to the wall. We have this joke at school that you're not a real teacher or administrator until some kid's written something shitty about you in the bathroom.

Well, yesterday was my day. One of my first hour students took spray paint and grafitti'd up the whole boys' bathroom before school. Not only did it list the top suspected gay kids at school (which goes to show you 1) our kids are insanely homophobic and 2) these are the kids that are teasing HIM about being gay.) but also wrote either "Miss J is a boring bitch," or "Miss J is a horny bitch." Honestly, from the sprawl, I couldn't tell which it said. Additionally, I don't know which offends me more.

So, this morning, while my AP told me this, laughing and thinking it was hilarious, as I quietly fumed, I thought-- I pour my SOUL into you. My SOUL. All my time. And this is what I get? Yeah, yeah. I know. It shouldn't bother me. But it does. It's one thing to write that I have a big ass. Its another thing to make it seem like I don't care. What's worse is that I feel like the rest of the kids, if they knew.... would maybe agree. Again, I should stop beating myself up. But its hard.

So, after school, still feeling exhausted, insulted and overwhelmed (you'd think by year 5 nothing would shock or upset me.....) three of my babies came in. The first is a girl, who in 7th grade, was a real piece of work. Super low academically, and a diva to the extreme. I was a little worried about having her, but she turned out to be totally awesome. Academically....still low, but the girl never gave up and always came in with a good attitude. I respected that so much.

After a bit of small talk, she admitted that she'd come for a reason, but she was afraid to tell me.

"C, you know I might not like it, but I'm going to love you anyway. Its okay."
"Well, Miss J, I was at this party. And there was drinking and smokin, so I got to be drinking and smokin' and then I went home with my boyfriend and well, now.... I'm pregnant."

No sigh. No look of judgment. Just questions:
What's your plan? You have someone to help you through this? How do you feel about it? Are you afraid? Have you seen a doctor? What are you going to do about school? Is the father a part of your life? Is your family supportive?

She has plans, she told me. She lives with the father's family already, and they're supportive. Plus, she's got family in LA, so she's going to go there and get into singing and modeling. Oh, and K? That tiny girl from my homeroom who was saucy and spritely and so, so smart? Yeah. She had a baby girl.

Then B chimed in, trying to cover the new tattoo he got on his wrist. It says his mom's name "Rosa."

"I saw it already, B."
"Are you mad at me?"
"What am I going to do about it? You guys are all going to look like you're 60 when you're 30."
"From partying too much, huh?"
"You got it. Besides, B, I thought you hated your mom...."
"I do but my dad's going to jail for 4 years, and she's still my mom.... I'm going to get his name tattooed on my other wrist."
"Drug stuff?"
"Nah, he got rid of those charges."
"For the drunk driving stuff?"
"No, he got out of that too. It's cuz he won't pay child support."
"Do you see him? Does he ever support you in other ways?"
"Well, yeah, we were going to switch the custody to him, but mom and my sister brought violence charges against me so....."
"Why won't he pay?"
"Well, my mom will just spend the money on other stuff, not us... so he doesn't want to give it to her. Oh also-- I'm going to run away."
"Do you have a safe place to go, B?"

Yeah. He's already staying in the house of two other former students who are regularly into cocaine.

Then the third. The nicest, sweetest, most helpful child you've ever met. Dimples, and shiny dark hair-- A is a teddy bear of a human being. She has two younger siblings, Joel who's in 4th grade, and a little sister who is 5.

"A please tell me your life is better...."

She burst into tears and shook her head.
"He's going to leave, Miss J. He's going to leave!"
"Your dad? Back to Mexico?"

A tearful nod. She is legal, so is the rest of her family. But her dad's work visa had expired and he'd stayed. Now, he's not.

"Are you worried about your younger siblings?"
"Miss J, they're going to grow up without a dad!"
"Does he have a place to go? Do you have family? Will he have a job?"
"Yeah. He'll have a taxi."
"How's your mom? Trying to be strong?"

I just stood there and hugged her. This girl, this gem, with this wonderful, loving, hard-working family. This model family. Falling apart before her eyes.

"When he goes, I don't know when we'll see him again."

I looked at all three of them. I stared at my alumni wall as they filled me in on others who'd dropped out, gone missing, were drugged up or pregnant.

"I wish I could keep you all in 8th grade forever. Keep you and protect you from everything," I said.

The younger grade level teachers don't understand how hard this is. The 6th grade science teacher (who is beyond awesome) was convincing me that I was a super star teacher the other day, when all I could think is this-is-so-hard-this-is-so-hard..... But even he can't possibly understand. When his kids leave, they may turn into horrid 7th graders, but by the time they REALLY leave..... they're out of sight, out of mind. He has a new crew he's bonded with.

With 8th grade its different.
One year, they are in your nest.
The next, eaten by the world.

I am so grateful they still come, still tell me, still know I care. But as soon as I'm home, it shatters me.

My administrator laughs when kids call me a bitch.
And mocks the kids who love me and want to come see me.

They can't win. I can't either.

There's only so much tragedy I can take.

If only our kids knew what we said when they weren't around....

2011-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

"Well, I'm going to draw a penis on YOUR bulletin board then."
"Fine! Then I'll penis YOURS!"
"Well, then I want it to have hairy balls."
"Harry Wong DOES fit in education."

"A Teacher who Cares"

2011-01-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

While in a plane flying back from Chicago, I kept myself busy by reading The Disappearing Spoon by Sam Kean. The book, which is a tome of hilarious, intriguing, fascinating stories about the elements (believe it!), was in fact so good, that I had to take notes on it.

At one point, the woman (early 40s, wealthy judging from her jewelry) next to me asked me what I was doing. I explained I was teaching chemistry to 8th graders, and was trying to find relatable, interesting things to connect chemistry to my kids' lives. I told her I had been horrendously bored by chemistry when I was their age, so I wanted to make it interesting, fun, scandal-filled and relevant. To which she replied:

"How nice! A teacher who cares."

"I do!" I said, and thanked her.

And then, I got kind of pissed.

Wait a second, I thought. A teacher who cares?! Are you kidding me?!?! We ALL START OUT AS TEACHERS WHO CARE! We all start out insanely idealistic, thinking we can save the world, fix every child, "make a difference."

And then we get in to the field. Pedagogy and philosophy crumble in the face of reality, which laughs in your face like a mustache-twirling antagonist, ties you to the railroad tracks and rubs his hands in glee at the oncoming train.

After a couple years of feeling like parent, nurse, therapist and prison guard instead of just TEACHER, making everything you give to your children, working tirelessly on motivating them, calling parents, not getting them because their numbers don't work, grading papers for AGES, head turning to a soccer ball of baldness as you've pulled out your hair because they won't or can't do their homework and their parents can't help them.... Not getting enough support from administration, who if you are decent, don't bother with you because you CAN do it. You're not sinking, so you can clearly take on MORE. For no more pay. Be a leader. Teach every else even though you only have a couple paltry years under your belt.

Detentions? On your time. But you have to do them or admin won't help you. After school parental activities. On your time. Parent phone calls. On your time. Lesson planning and collaborating. On your time.

Being paid nothing, and being told its "okay" by others that don't get it because we "have summers off" and "have great benefits" and "besides, your job is done at 3."

Getting kids in your school that have called other teachers that they should "choke on a dick and die" and are allowed back. Kids dealing pot. Kids drunk in your classroom. Kids high. Kids fighting with bloody knuckles and knives. Kids that miss at least a day a week because school isn't a priority. Kids who miss days at a time to watch younger siblings while their parents work. Kids who write in diaries in your class about being "so fucking wasted." Pregnant girls.

You work through that, and find all of the diamonds in the rough and teach to them, try to get to the ones who are on the verge, and do your best to calm the ones who hate your guts. If you have anything left.

Every teacher starts out wanting to save the planet. And then, it gets beaten out of us as we burn, burn, burn the candle on both ends.

So don't tell me "oh, a teacher who cares." We all were, and many of us still are.

Cue the Queen

2011-01-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

And no, I am not talking about feather boas and platform shoes.

I am referring to a tradition our school has been keen on following for the last couple of years....

Problem 1:
Not enough seasoned teachers to go around

Problem 2:
Not enough money to get skilled teachers

Problem 3:
People leave last minute

Solution:
Hire people who can't cut it because you have no choice.

End result:
Dernt, dernt, dernt...another one bites the dust....

So far we have lost or are losing:
The most incredible, amazing helpful disciplinarian the school has seen, Ms. M
Our snarky and fantastic groundskeeper (district relocated him to another school)
A 4th grade teacher who's health problems make it impossible for her to continue
Two teachers in the 7/8 building-- first year here, probably didn't know what they were in for.

I have this fear that by the end of this year, the school is going to be an apocalyptic wasteland. Worse yet, while we were on the upswing, I predict the cost will be high-- I think many of the people with a few years are going to leave. Mass exodus, leaving the school back again where it was a couple years ago-- with more 1st years than anything else.

It's not going to be pretty.

Symbiosis

2010-12-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

We were watching this.

In the video, you see an oxpicker eating the ticks off a giraffe at warp speed.

Me: Okay, what type of symbiosis is being shown here? I see two relationships.
Class: Parasitism! Mutualism! Communism!
Me: COMMUNISM?
Daniel:YEAH!
Ivone: That's when a dictator takes over, moron.
Me: Not necessarily, it's just when..... Okay, we're getting off task. Daniel, what is the correct word you meant to say?
Daniel: Commensalism.
Me: Okay, good, and did we see that? Which did we see?
Kevin: Miss J, I want to see that bird eating corn. Nar-nar-nar-nar-nar!
Me: (dies) (regains composure) Can anyone please tell me what they saw?
Madeline: We saw parasitism because the tick was feeding off the giraffe and hurting it, and mutualism because the bird was eating the ticks off the giraffe so both were helped.
Me: Madeline, you just saved my sanity. Thank you.

Random Bits

2010-12-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

1.
The news came to our assembly today. Our school raised almost $2,000 dollars total for Francisco Felix's family. Incredible. I tried explaining to the kids how HUGE this had become, but they just didn't get the scope. Guys. National news. I mean... NATIONAL. This isn't just impacting THIS community.... They don't get how big this is. I have to learn how to teach them how a drop can impact a whole pond, and how anyone can be that drop.

2.
I had a paper sign stapled outside my door with my name on it. The kids knew from the sign to line up at that spot before entering. At first, someone wrote "is awesome" after my name. Then, someone wrote "big ass." Thanks guys. Thanks.

3.
Luis: Miss J. If I proposed to you, what would you say?
Me: Proposed what? That you do your homework? Yes. Please do your homework.
Luis: No, you know, like PROPOSED. Like got down on one knee...
Me: Oh! I would laugh at you. And then tell you no.
Luis: What?! But what if I had a nice ring...
Me: Dude. You're like my SON. That's gross.
Luis: But Miss J, I'm awesome. And I make you laugh.
Me: True. But still gross.
Daniel: She doesn't want you fool. She wants to super size that. (points to himself)
Me: Okay, now we're really done. I'm going to go barf up my lunch now.

Angels and Devils

2010-12-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

First, the devils.
This morning, while getting into line, one of my kids thought it would be a good idea to throw a handful of this chili-powder candy into the eyes of another kid.Good idea? Yes. If you want to get sent to the office and get in serious trouble. "I was aiming for his mouth," the kid said. Yeah. Right.

Juan: Miss J, I know you said mistletoe's a parasite and all that, but we should get them for the door, so when you come in--
Me: Juan, I am not making out with you. (class dies)
Osuna: BUT YOU JUST TOLD US YOU WERE A PARASITE! You JUST....
Me: Well, then I'd be a vampire, and in that case... you don't want me anywhere near you.
Osuna: Well...
Me: You're all gross. Stop.

The angels.
My homeroom decided to make me cards for my birthday in art class. One, impressively, shows a chromosome unwrapping into chromatin, and then DNA. In the chromatin, it says "Happy birthday." Creative! Then, on the inside it says:

"Happy Birthday Miss J. We know we are a little late and we're sorry. This year has been the best and we know you have problems in life but whenever you feel sad just think about the fun times you had with us, and how happy you made us. Thank you so much and have a happy holiday.

World peace and no nuclear power plants!!"

-- M.C.

A second one just said "Happy Birthday, Miss J". Stapled on the top corner was a packet of graham crackers. Below, was a picture of a radioactive cow dripping milk into an Erlenmeyer flask. Under it said "here's some milk to go with your cookies."

Hilarious.

And finally--
There is a kid at my school whose dad has a failing liver. His family fears that government cutbacks could set in at the time his dad may NEED a liver. This terrifies him. So, after watching the news, he learned about a man who couldn't get insurance because funding that had already been cut.

So, as a 7th grader... he has been standing on the street corners with a sign for a MAN HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW, to try and raise money to get the guy a liver. A dime at a time.

Then, he started a drive at the school. Now, keep in mind, this is Title 1. This is not a rich neighborhood by any means. It isn't even middle class for the most part.

One of my kids sent handfuls of change all over my table ("Osuna! Are you a leprechaun? Are you donating the treasure at the end of the rainbow?" "Yeah, Miss J, only it wasn't gold, it was COPPER!). Another kid, instead of going to HIGH SCHOOL that day (don't even get me started there), came back to my class, spent the day with me...and donated five dollars to the cause.

In one day, the kids as a whole raised $1600.

And Carlos is still on the corner with his bucket collecting change every day.

AND THIS HAS MADE NATIONAL NEWS.
Holy crap.

Sometimes, I want to shank a kid (namely in my last block) but sometimes-- I just love 'em.

Octopus Games

2010-12-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

While studying crypsis (forms of adaptations that allow an organism to hide, like mimicry, camouflage, being transparent or nocturnal, or having a subterranean lifestyle), we watched a video that showed the incredible mimic octopus at work.

Alex: Man. You do NOT want to play hide and seek with an octopus.

I wonder if I could get them to brainstorm other similar thoughts.

IE...
You wouldn't want to play tag with a cheetah.
You would want to build a fort with a beaver.
You wouldn't want to attend an eating contest with an anaconda.

I love my 7/8 Class

2010-12-02T21:50:00.000-08:00

Me: ....and that's that...
Stanley: Miss J, did you just say I was fat?
Me: *blink* Well, you do beep when you walk backwards.
Stanley: .....
Me: OH COME ON. That's a TOTAL STANLEY JOKE! You should be proud of me.
Stanley: Okay, okay. (sigh) It was kind of funny.
Me: You totally just killed all of my fun.

Me: Don't call me mama.
Javier: Yeah, call her BIG MAMA!
Javier: I'm going to die now, aren't I?

We had just been studying the peppered moth/natural selection story when....

Me: (putting sticky-note raffle tickets in Ivone's hair & calling her the prettiest x-mas tree ever)
Ivone: Mom!
Me: Yes?
Ivone: Brother's being stupid!
Me: What'd be do?
Ivone: He ruined my Christmas tree.
(Kevin aka Perfection grins)
Me: Perfection, you are getting coal for Christmas.
Ivone: And that's bad. Because you're white. The predators are going to eat you.
Me: Ivone, I love you.
Ivone: Yeah, I'm your favorite daughter.

Robo: (swearing)
Me: Out! Go write me an apology letter.
Robo: Awwww, shit.
Me: ROBO!!!!
Robo: What?
Me: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Robo: What?
Me: You can't shit in here!
Robo:.....
Me: That's not what I meant.
Robo: You owe me an apology letter.

Holy Crap. They knew something.

2010-11-30T09:14:00.001-08:00

I was doing a lab based off of this website. Using the website, kids were acting like birds, eating peppered moths in the original and polluted England forest. Having fun. Not being jerk wads.

Then, after collecting the data for various trials, I asked them to find the measures of central tendency. I had even printed a page examples on how to find each one. To my utter surprise and bewilderment.... MOST OF THEM KNEW EXACTLY HOW TO DO IT!

Oh my god.

It was amazing.

There were only 3-4 kids who had absolutely no clue what they were doing!! AMAZING!

Despite the fact that I am beside myself with happiness, what does it say about Arizona education when I am tickled pink that my 8th graders can do 6th grade math?

And what did it say that even after written and modeled EXPLICIT directions....they still could not produce bar graphs?

Arizona, we have some serious work to do. But thank you for teaching my kids mean, median, mode, range and outlier.

I matter...

2010-10-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

Well, this last week has been utter hell. A kid told me my decisions were "bullshit." One of my classes has a 39% average. Kids in my first class pants each other and are horrible bullies. I feel like I am useless. Yet, the universe keeps telling me I'm doing good things, but all I can fixate on is the fact that two of my four classes act like total asses.

But, I did get this letter today. I need to keep reading it until I believe it....

Dear Ms. J,
I am so sorry for all the bad things that the class has done and would really like to apologize for our misbehavior, disrespect and lack of knowledge that we treated you with this past couple of weeks. I know this kind of crap can bring you down but always remember that every day is a new one with hidden surprises. On the other hand I know that a small percentage of the class has actually done their work and I apologize for our inconvenience. Thank you so much for not giving up on us, you show traits of a true fighter. You've helped us when we have problems and when we do have a situation we know that you can be the one we turn to to get the problem fixed and we can trust you 100% of the time. You supported us all the time. Miss J, you ROCK for sure. Never let any of us bring you down. Just discipline us, send us out of the room, give us detention. I don't know, you choose. I hope one day the whole class has notice what they've done and how they hurt you because a lot of the class is stingy and only think about themselves. THANK YOU so much for being the best teacher anyone could have.

Sincerely,
MC

P.s. You are the smartest science teacher in history. Remember... YOU ROCK!!

I almost burst into tears when I read this. I have to keep telling myself I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter....

The Yearly "Homo" Talk

2010-10-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today, we were looking at homozygous vs. heterozygous allelic combinations. To understand the words, I always break them down into pre/suffixes. Of course, with the word 'homozygous' you just know you're going to get a headache. I tackle it head on because, well, if you don't call them out on their immaturity, then its just as bad as ignoring it.

Me: ....so whether its in terms of sexuality or alleles, homo just means "the same."
Student 1: So, Miss J, what you're saying is that when we call someone 'homo' we're just calling them the same?
Me: Yup. Not an insult. Just makes you look like an idiot.
Student: So can we just call them homosexuals instead?
Me: That's still not an insult. Also makes you look like an idiot.
Student 1: Damn

What I wanted to say but didn't: Also, humans species? Homo sapiens. So, I hate to tell you, but you're all homos.

Well, probably didn't create any gay rights activists, but at least they know if I hear them call anyone a homo they're going to catch serious hell....

Let the Shanking Begin

2010-10-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

So much for having a relaxing day.

A bolt of lightning struck the transformer, leaving our school in darkness for a couple hours today. After school there was an emergency meeting. I could not make it as I was in the middle of enjoying peace and quiet... but I did have to go all the way back to school to call all of the parents of my kids to tell them

hey

we'll probably have electricity tomorrow
but even if we dont were having school
but it might get hot
and kids might have to be moved to other classrooms
so if you dont feel like sending your kid to school,
you get to decide whats in tehir best e\\interest
but werestillgonna(have)SCgHaskdjfhOOjfhgfLkdgjnmv

ARGHHH!!!!

I got in my classroom to make these stupid calls, and find the kids had trashed it.

I am going to shank someone.

Smell Beyond the Cherry

2010-10-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I wanted to throw in the towel today.
It is that time of year... the honeymoon period is over, the kids are starting to get lazy and apathetic. They are excessively rude to each other, and they're starting to show up drunk to school just to puke all over my room.

WHAT?

Yes.

Let's start at the beginning.

Last Friday, my darling little Napoleon barfed up bright red cherry and SOMETHING all over my table, his test, and the floor. Now, I could easily make the joke that my test makes him want to hurl chunks, but NO....he got a new test and completed the whole thing no problem.

Why do I think he was drunk? Because he was acting weird and out of it beforehand, was grinning after he did it, seemed MORE ALERT and awake after AND.... and here's the most telling part, he CLEANED IT ALL UP. He refused to a) let maintenance do it (they still came later and disinfected everything) AND b) wouldn't let me get anywhere near his neon spew. I think he knew I would be able to smell beyond the cherry.

This has become a new trend at our school. Not much longer than a week ago, one of the pretty popular 8th grade girls was upset upon being caught drunk at school because well, "I only had ONE Bud Light before school!!!"

Are you kidding me?

Apparently their new things is to get their parents to buy them those alcoholic energy drinks. They come in big, Monster-like cans and since their parents don't speak or read English.... they don't know when their kids are drinking right in front of them.

ARGH!!!!

On top of this, last week I found out that a few of my favorite, favorite, favorite kids have basically dropped out of high school because they're addicted to drugs. Probably meth. They won't tell me, but I know its easy to get and meth causes one to lose weight quickly, which is exactly what happened to one of them.

So. Monday rolls around. I am already frustrated, emotional, tired, worn out, and cranky.... (lets not even get into what grad school is putting me through)
....
I go back to my classroom and realize that my SMARTBOARD still IS NOT WORKING. I try to put in another tech request (and this is ironic-- the home page talks about how its "world class IT") and as I am hitting "ENTER" it says HAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO INTERNET.

I try again.
It laughs at me.
It is the damn clown at mini golf.

So, annoyed, I look through my text books and discover there's NOTHING IN THEM THATS USEFUL (big surprise) and that I have NO EQUIPMENT WITH WHICH TO DO A LAB (another big surprise).....So, I dig through my curriculum binders and find something I'd made for last year's kids and think AHA! THIS WILL WORK!

But of course, my plans are thwarted.

All 3 of the copy machines will not work.

I spend 40 minutes of my life screwing with them, down on my hands and knees, covered in toner, grunting like some territorial baboon..... The paper will go through, and only peals of hideous laughter would come out. Ha, ha, Miss J! NO COPIES FOR YOU.

I finally figure something out, moments before I have to pick up my kids, when my homeroom does NOT make my day better. I had given the kids FOREVER to do some work in class (a mitosis project) and in the majority of my classes they DID NOT DO THE WORK THAT WAS DUE TODAY. THREE kids did the work. THREE!! ARGHHHHH!!

AND THEN ONE OF MY BOYS PANTS'D ANOTHER IN ART CLASS AND THE BOY WENT HOME CRYING.

ARGJHHHHHHFKSHDFKLSDJFKSDHFKDSJH!!

In all of my classes for the rest of the day, its the same. The kids are not doing their work. I am furious. I do not yell, I do not scream, but inside my head I am thinking:

I AM NOT DOING AWESOMELY COOL DNA EXTRACTION LABS WITH JERKY LAZY PEOPLE! I AM NOT WRITING YOU STORIES AND SONG PARODIES AND COMING UP WITH NEW DANCES FOR YOU!!! I AM NOT SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS FINDING COOL VIDEO CLIPS AND ANIMATIONS!

You so do not deserve the awesomeness that is me.

So, tomorrow, so that I do not SHANK ANY OF MY CHILDREN...

I am taking the day off.

Vanilla Shake....

2010-09-14T23:12:00.001-07:00

Well, it's getting earlier each year.

Today, one of my 8th grade boys told me I should enter a booty shaking contest.

Sweet lord. How I miss the days where they waited until at least DECEMBER to sexually harass me.....

Website is Up!

2010-08-28T11:36:00.001-07:00

Booyah!

After a year of working on it, my website is finally up and running!

There are still a few pages that are in progress, but the brunt is up!

You can check it out by clicking here.

Many thanks to Rob Lane and his friend Christina who helped me get it working!

Dear Arizona

2010-08-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Arizona,
You are not cool. I am not only referring to the 120 degree heat index which led to me keeping my kids in from recess, leaving me with approximately a 10 minute lunch break.

I am not only referring to your politics, which have caused many of my favorite students to move back to Mexico, or to California or New Mexico out of fear of your racist ass.

I am also referring to the fact that two weeks after you infested by bed with FIRE ANTS,(leaving me with giant welts all over my lower quadrants) you felt it necessary to put a scorpion on my comforter. Not cool, Arizona. Not cool.

You need to learn how to make better choices, or we are going to have a serious throw down.

Love,
Miss J

Isn't Education Great?

2010-08-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

This post is to remind me that I need to post about Iraq, Jihad, Murder and Suicide.

And no, its not what you think.

Unless you're Mr. Faulkawitz.

More Visitors!

2010-08-24T17:10:00.001-07:00

Today should have been gawd awful, but before AND after out team meeting, I saw a TON of my former kids!

Before: Raul (who once drew a unibrow on his face in 6th grade), Yamaha (who delightfully gave me shit every morning last year) Castro (my "son").

After: Adonis (one of the smartest kids I've ever had), Rosalie (she is my younger, Hispanic twin-- we love all the same books, and have the same sense of humor) the Torres Brothers (one of which is my "Nephew.") and Angel (the one who fell on his face out of the blue last year.)

How can I ever leave this community?

Setting up Rapport on the 1st Days

2010-08-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

This is for you teachers out there.....

Here are some of the things that have worked for me, teaching 8th grade Science to a mostly Hispanic population:

1. I have an alumni wall, which I think I've mentioned before. Pictures of my previous students fill up the wall-- some on crazy hair day, or 8th grade promotion. Others show what we did in science. The kids LOVE looking at the wall (which is approx two by eight feet)-- finding some of their older brothers and sisters and some of their friends.

2. I have an about me mini bulletin board where kids can look at pictures I took from trips to Africa, Japan, London etc, see pictures of my family, my pets and so on.

3. There are two "Who We Are" bulletin boards in the back of the room that I invited them to decorate to make the class theirs. Already, they're mostly covered by pictures, drawings, song lyrics, and other things the kids say represent them.

4. I share with them 7 things that most people know about me, and 7 things most people don't know about me--including some things that are very personal--dark spots from my family's history, for example. Other things are my goals, things I love to learn about, things I'm terrible at (sports....), things I hope they teach me. I ask them to do the same and it's amazing how much they share after they heard some darker things from me.

5. When they walk in, they have a letter from a previous year's student telling them what to expect from me, and from the class. Most of the kids say that I'm fun, a total child, but strict. They give advice as to how to succeed. This combined with the pictures on the alumni wall helps them get a feel for my personality.

6. I identify with them. I tell them I'm basically a surly 16 year old, so if someone tells me to do something, my first instinct is to ask why-- especially if I don't know or respect the person. How many of them are like that? All of 'em. So, if they're not sure why I'm asking them to do something, or if it seems pointless or stupid-- if they're respectful, they can ask. And I will have an answer. If I don't, we'll stop. I made a "QUESTION EVERYTHING....respectfully" poster, and tie this into the uniform our school has to wear, and some of other school rules the kids hate.

7. I give a relatively easy quiz at the beginning of the year, in the first week to establish a "Yes I can!" attitude in the kids. I post all the top 10 scorers on my board, and permanently put their names on a bulletin board for each time they make it. There is also a class by class competition tied into this using class averages. The class with the highest average gets 4 points, 3, 2 and 1. At the end of the semester, the class with the highest points gets a pizza party. I also post all 100% scores on a board-- already, I've had 4 girls who said they didn't like science on the first day change their minds because now they think they can...and I can gradually make it harder and push them more.

8. I hold an auction in October--snacks and school supplies. Money consists of 1/3 sticky notes in bright colors that I cut and give to kids anytime they do something I like-- ask a question, answer a question, quietly work, involve others in a discussion, clean up, etc. This way, I can reinforce good behavior right away and work on their ability to delay gratification (behaviorism anybody?)

9. I tell the kids I want their parents numbers (which I can get from the computer anyway) so I can call home and say good things about them. I target the kids who scoff at me first-- they're almost always new and they don't know my rep and don't have one of their own yet. I give then a ton of attention, stickies, praise, and call home within the first couple of days to prove I mean business. After that, they're in my pocket. One student, who scoffed at me hardcore, now gives me a fistbump every day. Today, he said "Best part of my day, comin' up!" Heck yes.

10. My consequences are: 1 a warning, 2 a side conversation wherin I pull you out of class to redirect or ask what is wrong, 3 a student-teacher conference after school to fix what's going on wrong and see if I am doing something to upset them, 4 call home, 5 detention. They like that we work it out multiple times before I involve their parents. Usually, it doesn't get past 3.

11. We practice procedures a LOT. And by a lot, I mean a lot. As the week goes on, I add more, depending on what each class needs. If they see something as a procedure and not as a rule, they're more likely to do it. If they're not, I ask them what the procedure is, and have them redo it calmly. This may mean lining up a class and bringing them all back in if they're being too rowdy. Procedures NEVER STOP! Add and take away more as you go!

12. If students aren't doing what I ask, I always jump in nicely (with my eyebrows up like I'm excited to help) with "Is there a question"? or "can I help you with something" instead of the authoritarian "Why are you talking? Didn't I tell you not to talk!!!!" They either look guilty and stop, or they ask!

13. I write tons of "Positive Referrals." When the kids get them the ISS lady (who is AWESOME and everyone knows her and wants to impress her) or the assistant principal calls home, and tells the parents how awesome their kids are. They also get a certificate, a copy of the referral and a candy bar from her. She comes to the classrooms and presents them and makes a big deal out of how awesome they are.

Shut it: Student Version

2010-08-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

Dear New Students,
Please do not complain when I ask you to write a summarizing paragraph after watching a video. Do you know what I have to do?

I have to read horrid sentences like

"They dispel any remaining assumptions we may hold that tracking decisions are systematically objective and rational; they show that arbitrary and idiosyncratic placement decisions are common, and can be related to seat availability in classes or students’ ascribed characteristics."

200 pages of that. And then take notes. And then write a ten page paper analyzing my school through the lens of said crap.
Every week.

So, please. Shut it. You may have it rough at home, but you have no idea what hard work is.

Love,
Miss J

Shanked a Rhino

2010-08-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

Student: Miss J, you ain't tough.
Me: Pfft. I shanked a rhino once.
Student: Was it already dead?
Me: Well, yeah. But I killed it with my GLARE.
Student: Yeah, your face will do that to a person.

Damn it.

Umlaut isn't Sexy....Yet.

2010-08-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

Last year, of our students tried to teach us how to create ghetto names. According to I-Sha-Kia, one has to have multiple capitol letters as well as punctuation. (And how can you argue with a girl named I-Sha-Kia?)

Not long after, I learned the name La-a. Of course, being a white girl, I looked at it, puzzled, and thought "La....ah?" Nope.

La. Dash. a.

Hilarious.

So, I've been working on my own ghetto fabulous names.

I will be J'Niqua (as I'm Miss J)
and my "first borns"?

L' and S*.

Oh yeah. Lapostrophe and Sasterisk. (Cuz I'm so sassy.)
If a boy? P&.

Pampersand. He be all KINDSA spoilt.

I see Puerto Ricans.

2010-08-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

"...but dead people aren't people. They're like Puerto Ricans."

Yikes.

Badass be GONE!

2010-08-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

This year, I have a lot of male students who think they are badasses. They're not. But they really think they are, with their skinny jeans and huge hoop earrings (What is with the girl fashion on boys? I am clearly an old person who just does not get it). This does not fly with me. You are not cool unless you can loosen up and laugh at yourself.

So, I have a plan to demolish their stupid egos and turn them into humans that are actually funny and fun to be around. By doing what, you ask? By manipulating them into doing TOTALLY STUPID THINGS!!!

SO far:

1. I convinced a kid that his drawing of a horse needed a horn, because unicorns are way better. He disagreed-- cowboys could not ride unicorns. Unicorns are too fruity. I made stupid noises at him and said "I'm sorry, if there was a big black horse with a huge horn running full speed at me...ready to stab me THROUGH THE HEART because it had a HUGE SWORD on its FACE..... I would be afraid. Unicorns don't have to be pink and sparkly you know. They're actually kind of b-a." He disagreed.I smirked like he didn't know what he was talking about and walked away. Then, when I walked back 5 minutes later, there was a horn drawn on his horse. And--best part-- a rainbow drawn on its butt.

2. I got my unruly last class (which is mostly boys) to sing this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0305/video-extr-q-350-03.html with exuberance. Score: Ms J. 1, kiddos naught. Oh yeah-- and that part where the singer says "and skin and BRAIN!"? We all shake our fists to it and amp up the voice. And we may even sway-dance back and forth.... heh heh heh.

3. I bought this totally ridiculous, bright green, googly-eyed, felt hat. It was a couple dollars at Michael's and has a lizard-like appearance with its spikes on the top. Its totally awesome. I call it my Godzilla hat. Knowing teenagers.... I used reverse psychology. I told them I would chase them around with the hat on if they didn't behave. Which triggered all of my too-cool-for-school boys to want to wear it. And they do.

Whatever shall I do next? Heh, heh, heh.

If you have any ideas.... let me know!

Aaaakward!

2010-08-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

Dude.

I think one of my former students just half-assedly asked me out. Totally out of the blue.

He's a sophomore.

In high school.

I would laugh if it wasn't so....totally weird.

I feel dirty.

I mean, I know the kids love me, but this is absurd.

Branam!

2010-08-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

During my 9-10 block today, I turned into a monster. But not of fury. A monster of giddiness. My assistant principal stuck his head in my door with this "I'm trying to make amends" face, and told me he had a surprise for me. He said something like "I know you would kill me if I didn't bring him to you." And in walked one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE FORMER STUDENTS!

I nearly shrieked with glee-- and I definitely would have if my new kids weren't taking a pre-assessment. This kid made me laugh every single day last year. He's one of those rare humans who is kind of ageless. Acts like a mischievous 5-year-old and a complete grown-up at the same time. A total shit head but knows his limits. He's just awesome. Or maybe he's just like me so we get each other. Who knows.

Anyhow, Branam gave me a huge hug, and my entire class looked at me in a strange kind of shock (what kind of teacher is THAT happy to see a student?). He told me he had really good news, but I was just happy to see a face of someone who got my sense of humor-- that was good enough. But then he told me-- he EXCEEDED on his state science exam! Not passed. Exceeded! And so did his twin brother! I think my face almost fell off I was grinning so much.

"That's incredible! I am so proud of you! Now imagine what you would have accomplished if you actually came to class everyday..."

"Two minutes in and already giving me a hard time," he replied.

Always.

After school he came back and we talked for almost two hours about summer, high school, college, life, family.... and when I went home I couldn't stop smiling. You always hope that you make a difference to kids. They wiggle their way into your heart and you find yourself worrying about them. You hope that they learned something from you-- especially something nonacademic-- something about life. Something about being a good person. About working hard because its worth it. About not giving up even when everything totally sucks.

But you don't always realize how much of a difference they make to you.

I say it all the time, but its true. These kids are my heart. How am I ever going to leave them?

Froward.

2010-08-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Stanley: Hey, don't mess up my 'fro.
Me: Stanley, you don't have a 'fro.
Stanley: It's an afro in training. Give it time.
Me: I look forward to it.
Stanley: You mean.... you look FRO-word to it. Heh heh heh.

I think I'm going to have a lot of Stanley quotes this year.

That's LEGIT

2010-08-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

Student, pointing to the Alumni Wall: Is that Ms. Cary on your wall?
Me: Yup.
Kid: Isn't she with Silver?
Me: WHAT?! No! God. You guys are so behind. I've been with him for two years now.
Kids: WHAT?! YOU STOLE MS CARY'S MAN!
Kid: 2 Years? Damn. That's legit.

Buckwheat

2010-08-03T18:18:00.001-07:00

So, last year, Stanley, Jerry and I were the only people who would end up at some of the boys' basketball games. We'd cheer our boys on relentlessly, even if they were getting walloped. Stanley loved to shout "BUCKWHEAT!" at any of the uber-white, upper-middle class boys as they were shooting free-throws.

Stanley: Buckwheat!
Me: Say what?! You can't call me buckwheat! I'm one of YOU! You kidding me....
Stanley: (thinks for a second) Can I call everyone else in class buckwheat, and you the baker then?
Me: What?!
Stanley: Cuz we're all the buckwheat-seeds and you're gonna turn us all into bread.

I can't....argue with that.

Year 5: Day 1

2010-08-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, I forgot how weird kids are the first day.

1. The noisy ones are quiet because they're trying to figure you out.
2. The new smart-asses scoff at you and are the only ones who don't take your word because they don't know your reputation or have a place in the school yet.
3. They don't laugh at any of your stupid jokes because they don't get you.
4. They don't talk to each other even when you ask them to.
5. The ones who don't believe your reputation try to slyly get away with small infractions to see if you'll notice-- and you better.
6. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the weird, awkward kid who asks too many damn questions.
7. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the kid who's been the jackass in class for last five years.
8. They don't bother saying your name, and refer to you as "Hey you" or "teacher," but because they don't know the other teacher's names that well yet, they don't yet call you by their names.

1 down. 179 to go! Not a bad first day.

The Old Students Heal Me

2010-07-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Student: How was your day?
Me: I have demons in my homeroom.
Student: Ooh, you can handle it. You had worse. I know you can control them. You're Miss J so there is nothing to worry about. They dont know that they got the best teacher i've ever had. i know those kids don't really care about school. honestly i wished i could go back in time and not do any of the mistakes i made cuz i feel like i messed up at the beginning.
Me: Its not too late to fix anything. I have a lot of faith in and hope for you. You could be a good role model for the next generation and inspire/motivate them.
Student: Thank you. that really motivates me. im going to study starting tonight bcuz i want to make you proud so you wont have to worry about me. :D Also, could you put [my girlfriend] at the front of the room and pick on her and have fun with her? Always keep her on her feet, make sure she doesn't fall behind cuz she's really smart n she says she hates science but your science is diff'rent.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to sister and her evil friend: You have Miss J for homeroom?! She's the BEST TEACHER EVER.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Panerio: Miss J, I'm going to wear my old school uniform and hop the fence so I can make sure the new kids are good to you on the first day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacky, Anay and her family, Jerry (the a-salted one-- did I tell that story?), Vianey, Yesenia, Panerio, and a couple others all came to see me today during open house.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:
I have to type and remember these things or the negative swirling doom that I'm feeling every second might overwhelm me. We are so quick to worry, and so quick to forget that we make a difference, and that the kids we care so much about care about us right back. I am worried that I might have inadvertently taken on too much this year. I am worried (like I worry every year) that my kids won't get me, that we won't click, and that I won't have any fun with them. I am worried that I'll try so hard to make my co-workers successful and my kids happy and knowledgeable that I'll lose myself in the process. This is why I need to remember the good-- like the snippets above. And the extra good-- like the snippet below. It takes a community to teach a kid, and it also takes one to pick up the tired teacher.

Ms. R

2010-07-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

Ms. R is turning into my favorite person at school.

She was a 1st year teacher last year, and I thought she did a really great job. She loved the little shits the most. She never gave up, always had a good attitude, and kept learning. She didn't spontaneously combust. Of course, she'll probably tell you that she was 2/3 an atomic bomb of a disaster, but I'm not validating that garbage.

This year, she is--as Sebastian might say-- one saucy mama.

Now that she is a well-seasoned veteran, she has come back with good advice and tons of attitude. She's this take-charge tornado who now KNOWS that teaching is sometimes a shit storm, and knows she can weather it. She just puts on a poncho (or, the most teachery dress you'll see on a 20-something year old) and bears it.

I don't normally write about teachers, but Ms. R kills me. As a mentor teacher, I should be the one stopping heart attacks. Here, it's the other way around. Every time I go into panic mode, she tells me about her great idea of wearing a fanny pack full of math manipulatives. Or tells a story about last year's "Mysterious Ball Puncher." (If your mind went to a dirty place... you were right). And she gives me realistic suggestions that calm me down.

She may feel like she's not my equal, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even a new class list. And boy, could I use that.

P.s. By the way, Ms. R, if you're reading this.... you need to email me your blog address because I no longer have it.

Day 6

2010-07-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

Day 6. Thursday. ABORT MISSION. ABORT! DEMONS ON CLASS LIST! ABORT MISSION! Teeth, Napoleon, Girl-Who-Called-A-Teacher-A-Cunt-And-Said-She-Should-Choke-On-A-Dick, her best friend, Pure Evil, and Cashew?! MAYDAY MAYDAY TEACHER GOING DOWN.

Dear School.

2010-07-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Day 1: Sunday. Heck yes, school, bring it on!

Day 2: Monday. Dear school. I did not mean for you to bring it on that much. Please bring it on slightly less. And then give me a snack. And nap time.

Day 3: Tuesday. School, my brain is still exploding. I am developing ADD, and I'm pretty sure that you're the cause, because I have not been eating foods with high levels of dyes. So, I need more stimulation, please. Or maybe a dance-party break. Or maybe for you to provide me an extra few hours of day.

Day 4: Wednesday. School. If you had a middle and a last name, I would use it in a scolding tone. You are not living up to your potential. You were supposed to teach me useful things every day so I could grow as a human, and you are not. The only thing I got from you was crabs from the bathroom.

Okay, so maybe that's a lie, but you did once give me lice, so its not that big a leap. I am, however, strangely happy that I am having a medical issue so that I do not have to sit and stab my eyeball out. That would be a much worse medical issue. Please do better tomorrow.

This is Why I Love this Child

2010-07-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

Favorite: Miss J, are you still teaching science this year?
Me: Yes, but we have two new science teachers.
Favorite: Well, they can't take your place cuz no one can do a job better than you. Thats been proven by society.

That was exactly what I needed today.

Denialism Ticks me Off

2010-07-28T16:32:00.001-07:00

Today, I saw a bumper sticker that said this:

Global warming.
A dangerous, man-made phenomenon created by Marxist ideals and junk science.

I wanted to ninja kick his face. Right off.

I love it how people have decided that science is something that can be "believed" or "not believed." This isn't religion, people.

You can choose to not understand, you can be not ready to understand. But how do you decide to just deny it? Why does the idea that you have the potential to screw up the planet insult you? Or take the evolution debate. Why does it insult you that you came from a long line of ancestors that changed over time?

I wonder if this guy also denies gravity, the spherical nature of earth, and that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. And I bet he thinks he's at the center of the universe.

Whose Team are YOU on?

2010-07-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

An old, old story I forgot to post:

The other day, one of my girls came up to me-- all Twilighted out on free dress day. She'd been having quite the heated argument with another one of the girls and needed me to settle something for them.

"Miss J, which team are you on?"
"Huh?"
"You know! Twilight. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Because honestly, if you say Team Jacob, I'm going to scream, I mean, like, Edward is Bella's SOUL MATE. So, Team Edward, right?"

I put on my biggest, cheesiest smile, my most enthusiastic voice.

"Team KNOWLEDGE, baby! OH yeah. Knowledge is sexy. Nobody has better abs than KNOWLEDGE."

She was not amused.

Texts of Happiness

2010-07-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

The universe wants me to keep teaching.

In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.

Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.

And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"

These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.

Shut it.

2010-06-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate about teaching?

When people say things like:
A. "Oh, that must be so nice to have the summers off."
B. "You never have to work on weekends!"
C. "You still get spring break and every holiday off...that's why you must love teaching."

To all of those people, I would like to say: Shut it.

We don't work from 8-3, 5 days a week, and then call it a night. We don't just show up, give the kids a book, babysit all day, and then leave with no responsibilities. This is a job that is never finished. It can consume every moment of your day and night if you let it.

On average, I work at least a 70 hour work week. At school no later than 7am, and during my first three years never leaving before 5:30....and then I'd go home and work until 10:30 at night, eating some crappy microwave meal by my computer.

Endless meetings.
Professional development.
Tutoring. Grading papers. Calling parents.
Aligning and organizing curriculum for ENDLESS HOURS.
Creating a website.
Keeping up with the news to integrate current events into the curriculum.
Reading books and articles so I can keep current with science and technology.
Entering grades.
Coming up with positive classroom incentives.
Decorating the classroom and updating student work on bulletin boards.
Writing pages and pages of lesson plans that include every major question I plan on asking, and everything broken down into sub-objectives.
Creating quizzes & PowerPoints.
Re-writing articles so the kids can read them at their level, writing stories, poems and plays.
Going to the store to get materials for labs.
Scouring the internet for good videos, animations, articles, labs and activities.
Collaborating with other teachers.
Running clubs, food & school supply donations.
Supporting student events like basketball games.
Planning a school-wide science fair, and a district wide science day.

This profession has an astoundingly high rate of burn out and you think we just take it EASY? If we don't have those breaks, we would crash and burn. We would be useless.

I know a lot of teachers who not only teach, but also have a second job. I know teachers that teach during the year, and then get a summer job.

What will I be doing with my summer?
1. Working on a Master's degree in curriculum & instruction
2. Working on next year's science curriculum and learning new science
3. Working with teachers to form a new discipline plan for the middle school
4. Mentoring and welcoming new teachers
5. Working on online professional development through NSTA.

I am not sitting on my butt for three months, lounging in the sun and doing nothing.
And I deeply, deeply resent anyone who thinks what I do is easy.

You know what, there are perks. We have decent health care. If you stay long enough, you get a good pension. If you do it right, you get a lot of love, admiration and respect. And on the surface, yes, it looks like we have a lot of time off. But what it really amounts to is just enough time to repair our own sanity so we can continue going at breakneck speeds.

For what amounts to about $25,000 a year after taxes.

You think you can do what I do? While having no breaks? I would love to see you try.

Young Republican Take III

2010-05-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

An earlier entry I forgot to add:

Today, after the completely misunderstood and terror-inducing AZ law SBwhatever was passed, the Young Republican apparently ran around in the hallways demanding that everyone show him their papers.

"Where are your papers?! HAHA GO BACK TO MEXICO!"

I condemn violence as a method to solve problems....yet I wonder....
How has this kid not gotten his ass kicked?

Promotion

2010-05-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

When the principal said my name, a roar emanated from the crowd. Jasmine whooped, a few kids pumped their fists. I grinned like a maniac. After all the hell I'd put them through....they cheered for me. I stood, waved, blew them all a kiss, and sat down content. They got it. No, not the science. I didn't care about that.

It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.

In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.

They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.

P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.

Yearbook Party

2010-05-21T16:45:00.001-07:00

Today the PTA had an ice cream & yearbook signing party for the kids in the cafeteria. I had a notebook they could all leave me notes in, and had a long, ridiculous line of kids waiting for me to write them notes. Most of them were super sweet, telling me I had a really long line, and that I was popular (that's nice....first time in my life I've been popular with 8th graders....) But some of these kids....

Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.

Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.

It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....

The Truth About Mr. B's Toes

2010-05-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

B's Electron: Why are you wearing those? (Points to his shoes with disdain)
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)

It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....

This Year's Adoptees

2010-05-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

I love my kids. They are the best. Some of them need a little more mothering than others, so I have this habit of pretend-adopting them, and calling some of them my children. Naturally, this allows me to pretend ground them, tell them I'm 'turning this car around,' say obnoxious things like "under my roof...." Of course, they also get to follow suit and say things like "Moooooom, she's LOOKING at me!"

What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.

Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.

I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")

Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.

Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)

After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....

And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.

Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?

How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....

Air Gerome

2010-05-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

We finished shooting off our rockets today, and the kids decided they needed to do acrobatics.

The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!

I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.

1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me

So, what did I learn?

I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....

This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:

"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"

They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)

Not Piggybacking....

2010-05-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today, we were out on the field, playing a softball tournament that our awesome gym teacher set up. One of my kids, Jerry, was quite proud of one of his particularly impressive catches. Jerry, let me mention, is NOT an ELL kid and is in my gifted class. He is often hilarious. Today, he had no idea that he made my day....

Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?

Again. We're both going to get fired.

More Quips from B

2010-04-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

At recess, one of B's electrons is hovering around him, being a minor nuisance. She folds his orange safety vest over his face, masking his scrubby facial hair (that he claims is a "product of many years of successful breeding.")

B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.

Today's example:

Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.

Iiiiiiits Soquid!

2010-04-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we looked at cool stuff that glows under a black light (like petroleum jelly, highlighter-water, paper, white shirts, and more) and made cornstarch + water goo. The topic at hand: reviewing physical and chemical properties of various mystery substances. The kids had a total blast making a mess out of everything. (I won't lie... I did too)

Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.

Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"

The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.

5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!

Damn. Kids know my secret.

Just a Beaver

2010-04-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of AIMS testing done, and by brain's already fried.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....

Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."

Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.

It would be totally worth it.

Gorilla Snot

2010-04-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Lately, one of my students has been carrying around this hair styling product called something like "Gorilla Snot." He likes to take it out of his bag and sniff it. And add more to his hair. It hasn't bothered me as it hasn't bothered anyone else in class.

At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....

Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.

I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.

Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.

I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....

Stupid Learn to Be Commercial

2010-03-29T19:49:00.001-07:00

This has nothing to do with my teaching, but it irritates me anyway.

I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.

In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.

The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....

IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....

Just shows her the stupid formula.

Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:

Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!

*insert cheesy smiles here*

BAM. Done.

They need to hire me.

How to Teach 8th Graders 101

2010-03-22T20:33:00.001-07:00

"You know, if you put a science fact on your ass each day... the kids would learn 180 facts per year...."
--Fellow teacher

A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.

Wish Granted!

2010-03-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today, a few of my former students came back to visit. Eduardo aka Giggles, Carlos and Jidalgo.

Me: How's life?
Jidalgo: Good, but I'm failing honors biology.
Me: WHAT?!
Jidalgo: I'm not doing any of my homework. It's all book work, so it gets boring. I pass all the tests though....
Me: Yeah, classes like that kinda suck.
Jidalgo: I learned way more from you.....(I do kind of a sad, victory dance in my head, he looks around at walls) Wait....did your kids learn all about mitosis? And replication and transcription and translation?!
Me: Yeah. Some of you texted me and said it was really hard, so I'm getting them started now.
Eduardo: Luckyyyyyyy!
Me: Yeah, tell THEM that.
Jidalgo: They'll thank you later.

Ahhh! That makes it all worth it. :)