Africa

I want to go to Africa. And I want to bring some of my kids with me. Is that so crazy?

Barbie Doll Posse and Big J

At lunch duty last week:

William: Hey, Miss J! Want to be in my new gang?
Me: No.
William: Aww, why not? It's called the Barbie Dolls.
Me: Oh! In that case.... No.
William: (Looking slightly pained) Why not?!
Me: Do I look like a Barbie doll to you?
William: Do I?
Me: Point taken. Still no.
William: Okay. We need to have a secret handshake then. Ready?

High five, then hands arcing down and slap, back up and hitting the back of our hands slap!, arms at 90 degree angles and slice!

So, now we do this constantly. Because we are BOTH 14. And awesome.

And, due to my enormity, (or, actually, due to the fact that I told a kid that instead of writing my name on a paper, just write "a big J") he now refers to me as such.
It's no longer "Miss J" but "Big J". Cuz, you know. I'm so money.
Like. A half a peso.


Maaaan. I am going to MISS THIS KID.

Answer: A Little Salty

After school, Ms. C (the 8th grade math teacher), Jose (a kid who never wants to go home) and I were walking back into the building after duty. Information you need for this to be funny? My boyfriend aka flame of eternal hotness aka teacher of the year nominee aka 7th grade math teacher's last name is of a specific element on the periodic table known as Ag. Aka: Silver.

Jose: (totally out of the blue) Miss J what does Silver taste like?
Me: WHAT?!
(Ms. C starts to speed up so she can't make eye contact, and I swear, lets out a little snort of glee)
Jose: I mean, you told us how people bite into gold on cartoons and stuff to see if it was real. But you never told us what silver tasted like.
Me: How would I know that, Jose? (the accidental double entendre is killing me, killing me! I start to make funny noises so I don't laugh.)
Jose: Shrugs. I dunno. You know everything.
Me: Go home, Jose. (Oh god, I can't lie! I can't tell him I don't know...)

Jose goes home.

Ms. C: (gleam in her eye, huge grin on her face) So, what does Silver taste like? I'm dying to know.
Me: Shut up.

We both explode with laughter and thank the Buddha our kids aren't more observant.

Next Year's Goals

Things I need to focus on for next year:

1. Linking science with literacy more efficiently and more effectively.
2. Teaching my kids how to write good questions so they can think more critically.
3. Involving current events more.
4. Creating an after school club so I can go to Africa. (More on that later)
5. Integrating more games.
6. Doing some sort of fund raiser to get more money for science materials.

Featuring: Brytonn

I have a little pistol named Brytonn in my 7/8th period class. He's darker than night, sharper than a katana blade, and hilarious. We've developed quite the working relationship. One day, a teacher from another school was watching me to see if he wanted to teach 7 or 8th grade science next year. I think I scandalized him.

Me: Brytonn, give me the Sharpie.
Brytonn: Awwww, c'mon, Miss J.
Me: (rolling eyes) Hand it over. You know they're not allowed. Too many dufuses tagging in the bathroom.
Brytonn: But... but what if I want to write a note on MYSELF later?
Me: Aww, come on Brytonn. You know you won't be able to see that anyway.
Class: BUUUUUURN!
Brytonn: You're racist.
Me: Oh yeah. Big time. Obviously. Without a doubt. Totally racist. Still gotta gimme the Sharpie though.
Brytonn: Shoot.


Today, some of the kids were teaching, and I was being a student (and ooooooh boy was THAT fun. I played tic-tac-toe, wrote notes, slept.... heh heh heh) and tried to figure Brytonn out once more.

Brytonn: Mbbbbrrrzzzzttt!
Me: What.... was that?
Brytonn: Oh. Miss J. I mean, Brittany. Since you're a student now and all. I didn't see you there.
Me: Uh huh. What's with the noise?
Brytonn: (looking mock confused) Oh. That? Yeah. I was receiving transmission.
Me: From?
Brytonn: Mars. Obviously.
Me: Obviously. I didn't know you were a Martian. I thought you were just from Africa.
Brytonn: Oh no. I'm from Mars, planet beyond the stars, we drive space cars. You can come and visit-- it's not that far. We have all sorts of galaxy games, I'm better than lil' Wayne. Don't got Chris Brown, we got Chris Get-Outta-Town. Don't got Lil' Waybe, we got Lil' Pain. Hooray for today on Mars. You can come visit me, I'll lend you my space car. I can rhyme all the time, its not a crime... on Mars. I'm a Martian monkey, kinda funky, my tail looks like an extra hand but it's not, send me up your best astronaut. Hooray for today on Mars.
Brtzzzzzzzzt! Oh oh! Time to go home. I'm OUT, Miss J.
Me: Have fun on the red planet.

I could not even make this apology up.

An actual apology letter written from one of my students to another. Words are exact. Even those in parentheses. Apostrophes have been removed from non-possessive words to stop you from going mad. Names have been changed to protect my obviously darling students.


Jose Gonzales
I'm sorry for telling you that your dad t-bags you and you suck it all up. Though you provoked me by saying you did (screwed) my mom, which is in no case funny just annoying. I will try to control my behavior a little better and my situations. I don't understand why the both of us didn't get into trouble but this is how life is. I go to school to be a student as well as you do. Not to make jokes and play. I come for the education. If you or I are ruining the chances we should be stopped. I will try harder in my quest for knowledge and again, I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
Thomas Anderson



Where do I even begin?

Science? Who needs it?

It's 2:16 in the morning and I can't sleep. Usually, the things that keep me up are worries about finances, or the economy, or any of those other adult themed things that aren't the adult themed things that are SUPPOSED to keep a woman up at night. Tonight though, I'm a bit furious about a rumor I heard. Now, I know it's a rumor, and there may be no fruition or truth behind it, but in case I need to plead MY case... I need to get some thoughts straight.

So here it is: I've heard that the school is looking at scheduling for next year, and that they want to give more time for the kids to read each day. The reading block, while already 2 hours long for most kids, apparently isn't enough. So, where are they going to take it from? You guessed it. Science. The plan thrown out, (which in my opinion SHOULD be thrown out) apparently, is to give the kids an 80 minute block of science like this year.... but only every other day. Let's talk about this.

First of all, the world is very different from the one I grew up in. When I was 13 I didn't have a cell phone or an ipod. Our family was lucky enough to have a computer, but even that wasn't yet commonplace. So, in some ways, the kids have it made. But in others, the world is a mess.

If you don't know me, you don't know what a voracious reader I am. I have an incredible thirst for knowledge, and in the last year, I've read tomes upon tomes about the chemicals we come in contact with every day (and the links to autism, ADD, ADHD, and early menstruation among females), the amount of sludge we've poured into our environment, global warming, the energy crisis, the downfall of suburbia which seems like heaven but will ultimately be our demise if we don't find a new way to power everything we love so dearly. Costs are rising, jobs are scarce-- we are entering a new era, and I'm afraid. This was supposed to be a century of hope and technology and efficiency, and what we need is people to realize that dream. But what are we creating? What is our education system doing? And what do we NEED more than anything else?

We need science. We need kids who thirst for it. We need kids and parents and whole communities who not only know about what is going on in the world, but have a chance at actually helping us fix it. Is reading important? Of course. But what good is it going to do when the kids hate it? What is going to motivate them to learn on their own or to make them want to read? They need to be given a chance to involve themselves in something that actually excites them, something they actually care about. And you know what? Reading will follow.

Taking away science is a huge disservice to our kids. Not only is it something they love, but its everything. Its reading and history and math and science. Its everywhere. Its us. Its everything around us. How can we expect them to be competitive when they are in the real world? How can we expect them to give a shit if we don't open their eyes?

And why in the world are we not giving some of the responsibility of the whole reading burden to the PARENTS? Why are we not saying, hey, you know what? We are having a mandatory parent meeting. Let's schedule a bunch of them. You sign up for a time. We will bring the library people in. You will sign up for cards. We will tell you exactly why it is a failing school and why it isn't just our responsibility to educate the children of the nation. Even the president will tell you that. Children need parents who push them too. We need to set high expectations for the parents so they can set the same expectations for their kids. Get in some free food. Reel them in. And BAM. Do something about it. Make the parents aware, make the parents accountable, and form some sort of PTA based program that keeps them doing THEIR job. Your job is not just to make money and bring home food for your family. Your job is to make sure your kids will be productive members of society. We can not do this alone. And this reading first model is garbage.

I have some incredible, astoundingly brilliant kids this year. But they don't know what a proton is. Yet, I am supposed to teach them about chemical reactions. They don't know what a cell is, but they should know about mitosis and meiosis and heredity and adaptations. Why? Because the only science most of them got was in 7th grade. And 7th grade only covers geology and astronomy. So, its up to me to teach them the basics of physics, chemistry, genetics, cellular biology, ecology and evolution plus how to run and conduct an experiment, research and analyze and interpret data? In 180 days? Or, worse yet, 90? How is this feasible? What are we thinking? How is this even an option.

Interest! Interest! It's preached all the time in reading classes. Get the kids reading something they love, and they'll latch on. I can bitch about the Twilight series all day (really, you don't want to get me started on that one) BUT, you know what? They're reading. Case closed. So, you really think that if you take away one of the only classes they actually go into with an OPEN MIND they'll be successful? Talk to my kids. They might tell you that they don't always love my class, because you know what? I'm hard on them. I expect really high level stuff from them. But you won't find too many kids who come into my room thinking "Shit. I can't do this. This subject is not for me."

And what happens when they have a crappy reading teacher? What happens if they get stuck with someone who doesn't teach them reading strategies, or doesn't push them, make them accountable, come up with ingenious ways to teach inference and high level vocabulary words, and what to do when you are insanely stuck and have no teacher or dictionary? What do you do then? You waste their time. You give them busy work. You put on a dog-and-pony show. I've seen both varieties and both amount to what? Nothing. Sure, you throw some kids who are on grade level and you might not see a terrible decline, but you know what? We owe them just as much as we owe the kids that are low. It's not okay to be a mediocre teacher. And its not okay to throw more scripted programs at them, more silent reading time, or more time in classrooms with teachers who are, themselves NOT PREPARED TO TEACH READING. (Not to say, of course, that we have no good reading teachers at my school. I can think of a couple who are fantastic. But as a whole? Its laughable. I know reading teachers who claim, no joke, that they themselves don't like to read.)

So, you know what? I already use reading strategies in my class. And I weave in math. And I will continue to do that more. And I am sure that the other science teacher would have no problem doing the same. I can step it up. The parents can step it up. The kids themselves can step it up. We can all take a shared responsibility for this problem.

But don't you dare take away science from my kids. Don't you dare put one more hurdle in their way, one more insane obstacle. You want them to succeed? Really?

Then give them what they really need.
Not more of the same. If my hair dryer isn't working, I don't unplug it, and then replug into the same faulty outlet and just turn it on LONGER. And stare at it wondering why there's no air coming out.
I change. Or maybe I scrap the whole damn thing and let my hair air dry and see what happens.

The definition of crazy? Taking away science from our kids.
Period.

Cupcapes.

Also-- remind me to tell you about the Cupcape crusader...and his devious plot for our children. No joke. And no typo either.

Here's the beauty!

Here she is at 4 days. Now, its peeling and itchy like a sunburn but I can't pick at it and I'm going a bit out of my gourd. Good thing its spring break!

Shock Value

I wonder what will stun my students more:

1. Learning that I am dating the math teacher OR
2. Learning that I now have a tattoo. (It will be the one and only)

Oh, what fun! It's always good to have surprises, isn't it?
I so look forward to seeing their faces!

More notes on all of that later. When my body ISN'T going into shock.

Much love!

Good News

On Monday, the best thing happens:

My "nephew" joins my class again! HOORAY!

Jesus = one of the best kids EVER. Also, he keeps saying he's gonna call "mom" and "grama"....so sis and mom, I'd be waiting for some silliness......

Starting off the New Year RIGHT!

In the last week.....

1. A kid threw fireworks at the portables. You know. Where the little 4th graders and special ed kids are. Twice. Got suspended for 6 days.

2. A kid (maybe the same one) threw a burning stick into our field. And burnt half of it down. The firemen had to come and hose it with all their might.

3. Several 7th graders got drunk on tequila IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS. Told the teacher it was apple juice. Got suspended. (Also, hilarious to note, some of the drunken debauchery happened in the same room where pot was being passed around and sold earlier this year...Apparently Mr. B's classroom is partay-central)

4. I have been called a table dancer and was told (once again) that I had a "phat" booty. Also was told I had my "eyes shoved up my anus." And when I nonchalantly told a girl, after lunch, that she had "crap on her butt" (meaning, not actual crap...just that she sat in something and might want to run to the restroom for a second), she snottily replied "Maybe you should lick it off."

5. Heard at least five conversations about virginity-- who has lost theirs and who hasn't yet. A must do on the 8th grade check off list, apparently. (No pun intended. Ugh.)

Welcome to middle school in 2009, folks.

Not 40

I'm always trying to create analogies to connect sciencey-gobbledy-gook to the lives of my students-- something most of my teachers never did for me. I'm getting into the real basics of chemistry (as in serious basics... these kids don't even know what MATTER is. I say "What's matter?" and they say "Nothin, what's the matter with you?" ....No joke.)

I compared elements to the colors blue, yellow and red-- colors that make (nearly) all of the other colors. Pure substances. Etc. I also tried to compare the subatomic particles to their genes.

"Okay, so in each of your cells you have your DNA, which is what makes you.... YOU. I can't take one of Bayron's cells and get a piece of Daisy hair from it. No matter if you get fatter, skinnier, dye your hair blue, pierce your tongue twelve times, or start riding on a hippo to school... You're still you. Right?"

"Right."

"Okay. That's like a proton. The number of protons in an atom code for what kind of element it is, just like your DNA codes for you. So, there's gold, and carbon, and oxygen and krypton and all sorts of good stuff. Every time you've got 6 protons, it's gonna be carbon. Just like any cell I take from Pedro's gonna code for Pedro. Every time I've got 2 protons, it's gonna be helium. Got it?"

"Got it." (Good little drones.)

And then I say this...... to my rambunctious, sexually-charged, insane, wild, rowdy bunch.

"So, the variation in elements comes from the number of protons, but the specific number of protons will always make the same element. So, just like, again my DNA. It doesn't matter how I change as a person, I'm always gonna have the same DNA.

There's a five year old version of me... and a forty year old virgin of ......"

Silence.
Then? Insane, chimpanzee like laughter.

I smacked my forehead. "Oh crap."
The kids, crimson faced, laughed on.

"Dude, Miss J! You gotta get on that!!!"
"

Rant

I think the span from mid-October until Christmas break is the hardest time of the year-- its filled with so many breaks and so much excitement, that the kids don't want to do anything. Even the motivated ones. You find yourself reteaching, and turning into even more of an Evil Dictator (I cannot count the number of times I've heard "Miss J, you're MEAN!" Yeah, I know. Get over it.) so you can nip behavior in the bud before it gets even worse.

Now, its January, and though I should be well rested from two weeks of vacation, I'm worse off than before. I am completely, entirely exhausted.

To make matters worse, Monday when we walked in....there was no paper in the copy room. Those of us who were there early were scrambling. Wondering-- where the hell did all the paper go? There was a ton in here... wasn't there?

And then, an answer. But not via e-mail. Through the rumor mill. Someone had moved all the paper out. Boss's orders. We will be getting two boxes (16 measly reams) of paper. To last us for the rest of the year. But wasn't provided Monday morning for our usage. OR even today, Tuesday. There's been no official word on anything, as a matter of fact.

But, regardless of how many people this plan would throw off, there was no communication. No warning us. Or having any sort of conversation along the lines of "Hey guys, if we don't cut down on paper usage...this is what's going to happen". Then, you know, maybe "This will be going into effect on This Date, please send two kids down to get your paper."

But no. Nothing. So, all of us who didn't have copies made before break were out of luck. Read: all of us were out of luck. Mostly. There were a few scraps of pink paper I managed to snatch before anyone else got to them. A few teachers were early enough to finish the last bits of other colors. But mostly? We were out of luck. On a Monday morning. After break.

This is the sort of thing that infuriates me and makes me not want to teach here. Its the principal of the matter-- communicate before you make a decision. We don't even have to be in on the decision, but damn it, someone should at least tell us what's happening. Preferably before it happens.

This sort of crappy little thing happens all the time. A lot of it trickles down from the district level which is a total disaster. Nothing is efficient, nothing is orderly. My pay is hilarious. Yet, I easily spend 4 extra hours a night STILL making things for these kids. And they want to keep me. Because, despite how furious I feel sometimes, I'm a good teacher. And I like my kids. Everything I do is for my kids.

But for this? For the headaches and the stress and the feelings of inadequacy, and the lack of parental support, and the lack of materials, the lack of background knowledge of the kids, the lack of communication, the lack of schedules.... I don't think I can do this again.

At least, not here.

I'm starting to develop a bad attitude, and I don't want it.
I'm not the person to complain about things-- roll with the punches and do what you can's always been more of my motto.... but you know what, enough is enough.

I am a professional. I work so that I don't see the sun. I am completely invested in my kids. And I am treated with little regard. And that, my friends, makes me angry.

Oxymorons.

1.

"And for making fun of them, you get to clean the cafeteria."
"Awww. But.... but....!"
"Alone."
"Why?"
"Because your shirt is also untucked."
"It's not untucked. I just untucked it intentionally."


2.

"Wow. Really? Passing a note INCHES away from me. Smart."
"We were passing a note! But! Its not a note!"


Er..... is there something in the water here?