*shaking fist*

Four of the little boogers are stealing stuff from me.

Little stuff. Like rubber bands.

I wouldn't mind if they were using the rubber bands for good-- that's what rubber bands are there for. To be helpful. To hug posters into submission. To bundle up pens if you are a bagless wonder.

But my kids aren't using them for good.... they're using them for evil. And I am not pleased.

For your viewing pleasure....

This is by far the lamest picture of the bunch. It can't be helped. I'm in the process of setting up two more centers-- the code breaking one will be full of math, actual codes and ciphers, and words they have to decode for reading comprehension, plus strategies to do so. I like to mix the subjects in the centers if I can. The unsolved mystery one is on a similar curiosity driven theme, and will feature such mysteries as crop circles, Stonehenge, the Bermuda Triangle, Nessie, Easter Island, Roanoke, alien abduction, hauntings and more! Wooo! How's that for fun?






This next picture shows my teeny windows (thank the great flying fish for them-- the AZ sun is KILLER!) You can see the start of my Travellin' Through Space and Time Center. Again... more exploring and fun!






Here's a shot of my Reading Rainforest. The four levels of the rainforest double as a learning tool-- those that read 1 book a month are on the forest floor, those who read 2 are in the understory, 3 are in the canopy, and 4 a month are my emergent level readers. I know, I know. Emergent readers are those people who are just starting to learn to read. But it's the highest level of the rainforest! So... that's that. If you look on the right you'll see Louie, my chameleon puppet. He's a hit. The only sad thing? I don't have NEARLY enough books!!




My skeleton has lost his jaw. Plus several teeth. And an arm. He's not doing so well. My globe isn't either. Apparently the sub broke it. Sad, sad, sad.



You will notice that my prized possession-- my little blue elephant-- sits on my desk. My CLEAN desk. It's clean and gorgeous until, say, 2:00. Then, somehow, everything explodes.
Behind my desk, on the right you can see my art wall area, and an area for the student of the week and daily student awards.




A view from the back. I had the kids in rows. Rows are rotten. Then I switched it to groups, because kids learn better that way. They also talk more that way. So I switched them to groupy-rows. Its working well so far AND I still have plenty of space to walk.

The white board on the far right is NOT a regular white board. Its a SmartBoard. It hooks up to the LCD projector, so we can watch movies on it (oh yeah). ALSO, any webpage I pull up on my computer, I can project automatically onto the screen. As a super awesome added bonus-- its touch sensitive. I can write, draw, or type right ON THE SCREEN. How amazing is that?


Well, that's all for now! I'll try my best to keep posting.... I've been spending 12 hours at school, then coming home, working a few more hours, and then just passing out. My kids always ask me what fun things I did over the weekend, and I just kind of laugh at them. It's okay though. They laugh at me the rest of the time. :)

Homework Excuses: Part 1

It's the first week of school, and already I'm getting homework excuses. Can you believe it?

Among them are all of the usual suspects--
Mr. I Left it at Home! It's on the Kitchen Table, I Swear! and
Ms. I Left it Here so it's Not Finished. And of course, there's
Mme. Uh....We Had An Assignment? Yes, yes you did.


So far, here's my favorite...




"Miss J? I didn't get my homework done because my brother had to have surgery on his privates."






*blink*




So.... you need your brother's privates to do your homework?

Somebody explain that one to me. On second thought... please don't.



.

The First Day

Again, let me reiterate the strangeness of my situation. I started teaching after the students had already been in school for two weeks. They had, as it turned out, a rather sub-par substitute. Let's call him Mr. Terse. Cuz that's what he was. One terse dude.

Anyhow, the deal was that I'd start on a Monday, but would have until Thursday to get myself together-- meet the other 6th grade teachers, go into their classrooms and see what they were up to, get to know my kids. And plan.

Monday came around, and I sauntered in, teachery glasses perched on my nose, pen stuck through my hair. I met Mr. Terse, the substitute, and he ushered me outside to meet my little darlings.

As I walked to meet them, I heard the voices of several kids "Is that our teacher?" and then, "HEY! ARE YOU OUR TEACHER?" I just looked at the shouts, unamused. Then, more quietly...

"Hey... um. Are you our new teacher?"
"I am."
"Are you nice?"
"No. But I'm fair."

The kids didn't quite know what to make of that. They exchanged slightly worried glances that said "Is this chick going to be as bad as the sub?" On the inside, I was already giggling. They were in for a wild ride.

Two minutes later, I was in the classroom. I snapped on my orator voice and told them what was up. I was their new teacher, I would be starting permanently on Thursday, but until that time I expected respect to the substitute as well as myself, and excellent behavior.

I sat in my desk (My desk! MY desk!) and learned their names. But before long I began to wiggle. I couldn't just sit there and watch. I had to take over. Mr. Terse was doing as best as he could, but the students (or was it my presence?) made him nervous. Half of them weren't listening, and those who were didn't get what he was saying. They all stared at him with dead, glassy eyes.

I raced to the board and explained math as a code, and the students as codebreakers. Sherlock Holmes-es, every last one of them. Superheroes about to save the world. I drew pictures and made up stories. Questions shot from my mouth like horses at a racetrack. The kids were paying attention. And to my glee-- the principals walked in at that very moment, grinned, gave me thumbs-up signs, and walked back out.

Yes!, the little voice in my head said.

And the day was to get better. Science came around, and similarly to math, I couldn't sit still. We talked about the world's oceans, the water cycle. One of my kids asked "How come there are no oceans around here?"

Mr. Terse said "Well, that's kind of a long story," and looked at me like "Go ahead if you want."
I thought for a second, and in an exhaustive 2 minutes, explained Pangea, continental drift due to plate techtonics, and the makeup of the Earth beyond the crust.

The student who asked the question just kind of stared at me in wonder.
"You know everything!"

On the inside, I grinned. The student's comment just about made my week.

Which was damn good, because, as it turned out, the week was about to get hairy.

Teacher Telepathy

The second day of class, my students had to present historical reports. The group assignment had been given by the substitute teacher and he had left no rubrick behind. I sat in my desk, wondering how to grade them, and listened as my third presenter stumbled over the words.

"At one time," he said, "ka-ka-ka..."
"Caesar?" I asked, looking up from my notes. He looked at me in surprise.
"Yeah. Yeah! I think it is."

Then a few minutes later...
"The p-p-p,"
"Parthenon?"
Again, he looked at me in astonishment. "How'd you DO that?"

I shrugged. "I'm a teacher. I'm good."
The class giggled.

Two minutes later, it happened again.
"Eh... Eh....." He looked up at me expectantly.
"Espana?"

"Man. You weren't kidding. You ARE good."

Indeed. :)

I'm Not Dead

I'm not dead. Just... awful damn close. It's unbearably hot here. People kept saying "it's a dry heat! It's a dryyyy heat!" It'll be nothing like the Midwest, whose humidity hugs you like a soggy blanket all day. Yeah. It's nothing like the Midwest, allright. But that bit about the "dry heat" making things tolerable? Ha! Those bastards. They had me fooled. Don't let them fool you too.

You know how when you reach into the oven to take out a pizza, and if you get too close, your vision is suddenly impeded by a layer of condensed moisture on your lenses? Same thing when I get into my car at 7 o'clock at night, after spending 12 hours at school. Because, it's still 100 degrees at 7 o'clock at night. Not a nice balmy 80 like I'm used to. Get in the car, and it's fog up to high heaven, and I can't see a damn thing. So, naturally, I reach for the steering wheel and burn sear marks into my fingers. If you were to see me diving home from school, you would see my hands covered in white napkins, to stop the searing effect. No joke. I look like an idiotic clown, but I don't care. I have happy fingers.

I also have 28 kids. 26 are Hispanic. 2 of the 28 speak no English. 6 others speak a very small amount. The rest are, for the most part, bilingual powerhouses with mouths like motors that could cut topiary faster than Eddie Scizzorhands if only their teeth were blades.

I teach 7 classes a day. Spelling, reading, writing, english, math, social studies and science. I dance around the girls to embarrass them into submission. I tell they boys they are too short to be thugs (and thus will get no street cred, or proper... props...), thus they will sadly have to take up another career path, and become something lame like doctors or lawyers. I give them lots of homework. I give them lots of prizes. I give them lots of teacher looks.

I want them to get one ass-kicking education, but right now, all they covet is my bright blue elephant pencil sharpener.

At Last, At Last, Employed At Last!

I have what all recent college grads covet... a job!

This morning, after an hour long interview with two astonishingly friendly principals, I found myself promptly hired. I couldn't believe it. Granted, after every answer I gave they acted like my very own personal cheerleaders, so, I knew I was in good shape... but still. I never expected someone to hire me so quickly-- they didn't even check my references!

Later, the human resources person called me, and I found out why they hired me quick as lightning-- school starts on MONDAY. As in a couple days from now. When they found out I couldn't be there until the 21st they were nonplussed. Apparently, there will be two other teachers who won't be able to get there right away either! Holy bacon on a stick.

I'll type more later. For now, I've got to get this crazy wiggly dance energy out of my system! Anyone want to dance with me??

My Menagerie

When people find out you're going to be a teacher, they buy you the most ridiculous (read: awesome!) things ever. Now, I already kind of have a love affair with school supplies, but this... this is like heaven.

In the last week, I've gotten some truly hilarious (and practical! Really!) items. My favorites:

Item #1: A bright blue, translucent elephant with suction cups on its feet. As if this wasn't cool enough (Come on. Who doesn't want a bright blue elephant to call their very own?), the elephant serves as both a paper shredder and a pencil sharpener! Ha! Genius.

Of course, you've got to stick the pencil in the elephant's forhead to sharpen it... which is a little weird. I feel like I'm stabbing him. It might have been a better idea to have his trunk curled up, so you could put the pencil in his mouth. Then it'd be more like eating.... or tonsil stabbing. I don't know. Anyhow, thanks to my dear friend Heather for this gift. She's fantastic.


Item #2: A fist-sized ladybug stapler, given to me by my phenomenal cooperating teacher. Where do people find these things? I'm a little afraid to bring this into my classroom, because some little punk might steal it. It's just so cool. On the other hand, the thing weights a metric ton, so if I might just keep it in my purse and use it to hit muggers. Always nice when your staplers have dual lives, don't you think?

By the time I start teaching I should have a whole menagerie of animal items that serve purposes other than looking adorable. I'm excited to build my zoo. Thank you so much for those who have contributed! :)

Puddle Jumping

I finished my finals. I'm done. Finished. Finally. It hasn't quite hit yet. Much as I bitch about this place, I'm going to miss it. There's nothing quite like running around the quad at 1:30 at night, playing frisbee and getting caught in the rain.

Which is exactly what I did. Intead of partying it up, I frolicked in the wet grass, giggling and dancing like a maniac, dodging past vindictive sprinklers and whipping a frisbee with so much style Paris Hilton would be jealous. Then, Mother Nature decided we were having too much fun, and decided to rain on our parade. Little does she know how much I like spring rain. So, I used my frisbee as a dashing little hat (told you I had mad style) and slowly meandered back home.

I think you've got to be a little bit of a kid to be a good teacher. I just hope my kids find as much joy rain dancing as they do playing those junky computer games. If not, I'll teach 'em! You WILL hop in puddles! You WILL climb trees! You WILL sing Disney songs on the top of your lungs!

Just... you know... do it at home. Your parents will love it. I promise.

Interview Anxiety

Well, that was odd.

The principal didn't ask me any questions. I was prepared to talk about anecdotal behavior notes and parental communication logs and use obnoxious words like "cooperative" and "interdisciplinary" and "differenciated," and blather on about my 5 year plan and my strenghts and weaknesses and.... *head explodes*

And... nothing! I sat there for about five minutes as he talked about the district and the surrounding area. I felt like a kid whose teacher keeps talking about nonsense before giving a big test. Just sock it to me already! But the sock never came. The only question he had for me was "Do you have any questions for me?"

After that, he basically told me that he'd talked to various teachers in the building, and the superintendant... and every person had a glowing review. He said that before he goes to the board with his recommendation, he has to make sure he interviews a couple other people, so that when they say "How do you know this person is the most qualified? How many others did you interview?" he has an answer other than "uhhh... well....."

And that was it. So, all of my anxiety was for nothing. I think. He didn't actually SAY I had the job... he just... made it sound like I did. I think. I'm confused. Let's hope all that the fact the lack of grilling was a good sign.

Mmm. Grilling. Now I'm hungry.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

More Booty than Blackbeard (but less than Britney Spears)

My kids threw me a party! Lured me down to the office, decorated the classroom, and brought out a cake! They even turned off the lights and hid under their desks and screamed excitedly when I walked in the door. I couldn't have been happier. I felt like it was my birthday, darn it, and I was going to cry if I wanted to.

I did, however, manage to get myself under control until I got home with all my booty*.

When I walked in, the table was covered in gift bags. I couldn't believe it. I now have enough post-it notes to wallpaper my room. Crayons, dry erase markers, pencils, pens, highlighters, white out, a staple remover and stapler... you name it. Even a little green-haired troll doll wearing naught but a scarf. Exactly what I wanted! How did they know?

The rest of the time was spent talking, taking oodles of pictures and playing Heads Up 7 Up. God, I'm going to miss these kids. I know there are cool kids everywhere, but I still think mine are the best.

How many 12 year old boys talk about BEING swimsuit models, and then craft paper speedos that they tape to the front of their pants? How many tape pieces of paper to their chins saying "Bye Miss J! We'll miss you!"?. Just my weirdos. That's it.

I'll tell you one thing... it's good that we talked about flood safety, because if I don't get the job here, I'm going to pull an Alice in Wonderland on them. There will be a river of tears that could drown a manatee. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

My interview is on Monday. I'll keep you posted.

Much Love!
Miss J

P.s. For added hilarity, note the middle caption of the lower picture. Supa Teacher, check. Breaker of Hearts, check. My work here is done.


* Not referring to my...assets. Also, not in any way relating to "booty call." Although, hilariously, a couple of the boys did leave me their phone numbers. And e-mail addresses. Ha!

It's my last day.


I'm not ready.

(Field) Trippin'

When you're a kid, there's nothing better than a field trip. If you've got to get up early and learn, you might as well go somewhere fun to do it! It's a day full of junk food and unnecessary flirting. Kids who are never at school show up for field trips. Kids who are never on time are there before anyone else. Kids who don't turn in signed papers under threat of death bring back their permission slips in record time. Field trips really bring out the best in some people. For the rest, it brings out the idiot.

Field trips are big fun. Unless you're not a kid. I'm not a kid. A fact I had forgotten. 60 6th graders parading around a tomb, and tromping through the museums is no delight when you're the one responsible for all of them. It's a little like trying to get a bunch of ants to walk in a straight line. Oh god, no, go this way. I have some sugar if you'll follow me nicely!! Damn it! Why aren't they following?



Highlights:
1. At one museum, there was a display of how rivers form. All of my kids ran to it going "Miss J! Look! It's a meander! It's a meandering river, look!" They then begged me to take their pictures by it. The other teacher's kids just looked at them like they were nuts. Jealousy, that's all it was...

2. One of my students created a squashed penny (of a wooly mammoth) for me. Aww yeah. Nothin' like spending 51 cents to legally destroy currency!

3. One delightful young lad pushed the emergency button on the escalator, causing it to stop abruptly, and another was messing with the emergency door on the bus while still in motion.... but other than that, no other Episodes of Idiocy.

4. In another museum, there was a historical dress up area. Did I let my kids cross-dress? Why yes, yes I did. Did I dress up and let them take my picture as well? You betcha. Did we get kicked out? Nope! Miracles DO happen.

All in all, a good day.

Day of Notes

Ahh yes. I forgot. Today was definitely the Day of Notes. The following 3 were ones given to me by my author of the Fredrick stories.

Note #1:

Miss J, I am sorry for telling you my name is Trae Hendricks. It is really Mu'an Tigger Woody.


Note #2:

Miss J, I am sorry for lying. It broke my heart. My real name is Trae Hendricks and I'm sorry for crumbling up the paper. It made me cry.


Note #3:

Miss J. I figured out my identity. I'm Trae Hendricks and I like tacos and Roli Polis, I squash them. Don't go crazy because I heard crazy people get mustaches and unibrows.

p.s. I am not afraid of tacos. I'm afraid of Roli Polis and something else.

p.p.s From Trae.


The illustration is one he made of me during the free period the last 10 minute of the day. Dashing, is it not? I'm not sure what that dead-spider looking thing is on my face, but hey. I'll go with it. After that, he was in a very creative mood, so he hiked his shorts up Urkel-style, as far as they could go. We had just been talking about floods in science, so I asked him if he was preparing for one.

"No Miss J. I'm making a fashion statement."
"Well, if that's true, you clearly need a hat."
"I do?"
"Yeah. You know how to make one out of newspaper?"
"I do!"
"Well, get to it then."
And of course, he did. Ready for the catwalk, he was. If only I had my camera.

Yesterday Burnin' Turkey, Today Rump Roast

And today's breaking news.....

I'm a fat ass!

That's right folks! You heard it here first. This 5'4" 120 pounder who enjoys long swims in shark infested waters is a grade A, FDA approved, fat ass! If you'd like to sink your teeth into a juicy piece of rump roast, you know who to call!

I had no idea. I'm so glad that I have these children to bring the truth to me. What would I do without them? Probably live a life of total denial. That might be nice. I'd like the ignorance combo #4 and a side of bliss please. Only $4.99? Great.

So, here's how it went down. I caught two of my (amazingly good) students passing a notebook back and forth. I am hip to the whole passing notes under the guise of lending a notebook thing (as I used to do it myself), so I figured I was in for some excellent entertainment. Turns out I was. Among other things, one of the girls (and again, let me say that they are some of my favorite students) called me "Fat Ass Jones."

My eyebrows nearly lifted right off my forehead. I managed to lift one eyebrow a little more, looked at the girls, tore out the note, plunked the notebook back on the desk and said calmly "Ohhhh yeah. You're so busted."

The two girls were eventually sent down to the principal's office, and now are unable to go to the field trip with us tomorrow. The one who specifically called me a tubby lard bottom is also suspended for a day. Wowza. They came back up to the room hysterical, bawling their eyes out, red-faced and amazingly apologetic. I accepted their apologies gracefully, told them I wasn't angry, just saddened and disappointed. Which, of course, made them cry a little harder.

Another one of my lovelies got into a brawl at gym, and now can't go with us tomorrow either. On the other hand, one of my students who is consistently a pain in my (you know what) was GOOD! Figure that one out. Something's in the air, and I'm not sure I like it. I do however, like what's on the menu.


Note: Don't worry. The above picture ISN'T of a student pinching my bippe.