I matter...

Well, this last week has been utter hell. A kid told me my decisions were "bullshit." One of my classes has a 39% average. Kids in my first class pants each other and are horrible bullies. I feel like I am useless. Yet, the universe keeps telling me I'm doing good things, but all I can fixate on is the fact that two of my four classes act like total asses.

But, I did get this letter today. I need to keep reading it until I believe it....


Dear Ms. J,
I am so sorry for all the bad things that the class has done and would really like to apologize for our misbehavior, disrespect and lack of knowledge that we treated you with this past couple of weeks. I know this kind of crap can bring you down but always remember that every day is a new one with hidden surprises. On the other hand I know that a small percentage of the class has actually done their work and I apologize for our inconvenience. Thank you so much for not giving up on us, you show traits of a true fighter. You've helped us when we have problems and when we do have a situation we know that you can be the one we turn to to get the problem fixed and we can trust you 100% of the time. You supported us all the time. Miss J, you ROCK for sure. Never let any of us bring you down. Just discipline us, send us out of the room, give us detention. I don't know, you choose. I hope one day the whole class has notice what they've done and how they hurt you because a lot of the class is stingy and only think about themselves. THANK YOU so much for being the best teacher anyone could have.

Sincerely,
MC

P.s. You are the smartest science teacher in history. Remember... YOU ROCK!!




I almost burst into tears when I read this. I have to keep telling myself I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter....

The Yearly "Homo" Talk

Today, we were looking at homozygous vs. heterozygous allelic combinations. To understand the words, I always break them down into pre/suffixes. Of course, with the word 'homozygous' you just know you're going to get a headache. I tackle it head on because, well, if you don't call them out on their immaturity, then its just as bad as ignoring it.


Me: ....so whether its in terms of sexuality or alleles, homo just means "the same."
Student 1: So, Miss J, what you're saying is that when we call someone 'homo' we're just calling them the same?
Me: Yup. Not an insult. Just makes you look like an idiot.
Student: So can we just call them homosexuals instead?
Me: That's still not an insult. Also makes you look like an idiot.
Student 1: Damn

What I wanted to say but didn't: Also, humans species? Homo sapiens. So, I hate to tell you, but you're all homos.


Well, probably didn't create any gay rights activists, but at least they know if I hear them call anyone a homo they're going to catch serious hell....

Let the Shanking Begin

So much for having a relaxing day.

A bolt of lightning struck the transformer, leaving our school in darkness for a couple hours today. After school there was an emergency meeting. I could not make it as I was in the middle of enjoying peace and quiet... but I did have to go all the way back to school to call all of the parents of my kids to tell them

hey

we'll probably have electricity tomorrow
but even if we dont were having school
but it might get hot
and kids might have to be moved to other classrooms
so if you dont feel like sending your kid to school,
you get to decide whats in tehir best e\\interest
but werestillgonna(have)SCgHaskdjfhOOjfhgfLkdgjnmv



ARGHHH!!!!


I got in my classroom to make these stupid calls, and find the kids had trashed it.


I am going to shank someone.

Smell Beyond the Cherry

Well, I wanted to throw in the towel today.
It is that time of year... the honeymoon period is over, the kids are starting to get lazy and apathetic. They are excessively rude to each other, and they're starting to show up drunk to school just to puke all over my room.


WHAT?

Yes.

Let's start at the beginning.

Last Friday, my darling little Napoleon barfed up bright red cherry and SOMETHING all over my table, his test, and the floor. Now, I could easily make the joke that my test makes him want to hurl chunks, but NO....he got a new test and completed the whole thing no problem.

Why do I think he was drunk? Because he was acting weird and out of it beforehand, was grinning after he did it, seemed MORE ALERT and awake after AND.... and here's the most telling part, he CLEANED IT ALL UP. He refused to a) let maintenance do it (they still came later and disinfected everything) AND b) wouldn't let me get anywhere near his neon spew. I think he knew I would be able to smell beyond the cherry.

This has become a new trend at our school. Not much longer than a week ago, one of the pretty popular 8th grade girls was upset upon being caught drunk at school because well, "I only had ONE Bud Light before school!!!"

Are you kidding me?

Apparently their new things is to get their parents to buy them those alcoholic energy drinks. They come in big, Monster-like cans and since their parents don't speak or read English.... they don't know when their kids are drinking right in front of them.

ARGH!!!!

On top of this, last week I found out that a few of my favorite, favorite, favorite kids have basically dropped out of high school because they're addicted to drugs. Probably meth. They won't tell me, but I know its easy to get and meth causes one to lose weight quickly, which is exactly what happened to one of them.

So. Monday rolls around. I am already frustrated, emotional, tired, worn out, and cranky.... (lets not even get into what grad school is putting me through)
....
I go back to my classroom and realize that my SMARTBOARD still IS NOT WORKING. I try to put in another tech request (and this is ironic-- the home page talks about how its "world class IT") and as I am hitting "ENTER" it says HAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO INTERNET.

I try again.
It laughs at me.
It is the damn clown at mini golf.

So, annoyed, I look through my text books and discover there's NOTHING IN THEM THATS USEFUL (big surprise) and that I have NO EQUIPMENT WITH WHICH TO DO A LAB (another big surprise).....So, I dig through my curriculum binders and find something I'd made for last year's kids and think AHA! THIS WILL WORK!

But of course, my plans are thwarted.

All 3 of the copy machines will not work.

I spend 40 minutes of my life screwing with them, down on my hands and knees, covered in toner, grunting like some territorial baboon..... The paper will go through, and only peals of hideous laughter would come out. Ha, ha, Miss J! NO COPIES FOR YOU.


I finally figure something out, moments before I have to pick up my kids, when my homeroom does NOT make my day better. I had given the kids FOREVER to do some work in class (a mitosis project) and in the majority of my classes they DID NOT DO THE WORK THAT WAS DUE TODAY. THREE kids did the work. THREE!! ARGHHHHH!!

AND THEN ONE OF MY BOYS PANTS'D ANOTHER IN ART CLASS AND THE BOY WENT HOME CRYING.


ARGJHHHHHHFKSHDFKLSDJFKSDHFKDSJH!!

In all of my classes for the rest of the day, its the same. The kids are not doing their work. I am furious. I do not yell, I do not scream, but inside my head I am thinking:

I AM NOT DOING AWESOMELY COOL DNA EXTRACTION LABS WITH JERKY LAZY PEOPLE! I AM NOT WRITING YOU STORIES AND SONG PARODIES AND COMING UP WITH NEW DANCES FOR YOU!!! I AM NOT SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS FINDING COOL VIDEO CLIPS AND ANIMATIONS!

You so do not deserve the awesomeness that is me.

So, tomorrow, so that I do not SHANK ANY OF MY CHILDREN...

I am taking the day off.

Vanilla Shake....

Well, it's getting earlier each year.

Today, one of my 8th grade boys told me I should enter a booty shaking contest.

Sweet lord. How I miss the days where they waited until at least DECEMBER to sexually harass me.....

Website is Up!

Booyah!

After a year of working on it, my website is finally up and running!

There are still a few pages that are in progress, but the brunt is up!

You can check it out by clicking here.

Many thanks to Rob Lane and his friend Christina who helped me get it working!

Dear Arizona

Dear Arizona,
You are not cool. I am not only referring to the 120 degree heat index which led to me keeping my kids in from recess, leaving me with approximately a 10 minute lunch break.

I am not only referring to your politics, which have caused many of my favorite students to move back to Mexico, or to California or New Mexico out of fear of your racist ass.

I am also referring to the fact that two weeks after you infested by bed with FIRE ANTS,(leaving me with giant welts all over my lower quadrants) you felt it necessary to put a scorpion on my comforter. Not cool, Arizona. Not cool.

You need to learn how to make better choices, or we are going to have a serious throw down.

Love,
Miss J

Isn't Education Great?

This post is to remind me that I need to post about Iraq, Jihad, Murder and Suicide.

And no, its not what you think.

Unless you're Mr. Faulkawitz.

More Visitors!

Today should have been gawd awful, but before AND after out team meeting, I saw a TON of my former kids!

Before: Raul (who once drew a unibrow on his face in 6th grade), Yamaha (who delightfully gave me shit every morning last year) Castro (my "son").

After: Adonis (one of the smartest kids I've ever had), Rosalie (she is my younger, Hispanic twin-- we love all the same books, and have the same sense of humor) the Torres Brothers (one of which is my "Nephew.") and Angel (the one who fell on his face out of the blue last year.)

How can I ever leave this community?

Setting up Rapport on the 1st Days

This is for you teachers out there.....

Here are some of the things that have worked for me, teaching 8th grade Science to a mostly Hispanic population:

1. I have an alumni wall, which I think I've mentioned before. Pictures of my previous students fill up the wall-- some on crazy hair day, or 8th grade promotion. Others show what we did in science. The kids LOVE looking at the wall (which is approx two by eight feet)-- finding some of their older brothers and sisters and some of their friends.


2. I have an about me mini bulletin board where kids can look at pictures I took from trips to Africa, Japan, London etc, see pictures of my family, my pets and so on.


3. There are two "Who We Are" bulletin boards in the back of the room that I invited them to decorate to make the class theirs. Already, they're mostly covered by pictures, drawings, song lyrics, and other things the kids say represent them.


4. I share with them 7 things that most people know about me, and 7 things most people don't know about me--including some things that are very personal--dark spots from my family's history, for example. Other things are my goals, things I love to learn about, things I'm terrible at (sports....), things I hope they teach me. I ask them to do the same and it's amazing how much they share after they heard some darker things from me.


5. When they walk in, they have a letter from a previous year's student telling them what to expect from me, and from the class. Most of the kids say that I'm fun, a total child, but strict. They give advice as to how to succeed. This combined with the pictures on the alumni wall helps them get a feel for my personality.


6. I identify with them. I tell them I'm basically a surly 16 year old, so if someone tells me to do something, my first instinct is to ask why-- especially if I don't know or respect the person. How many of them are like that? All of 'em. So, if they're not sure why I'm asking them to do something, or if it seems pointless or stupid-- if they're respectful, they can ask. And I will have an answer. If I don't, we'll stop. I made a "QUESTION EVERYTHING....respectfully" poster, and tie this into the uniform our school has to wear, and some of other school rules the kids hate.


7. I give a relatively easy quiz at the beginning of the year, in the first week to establish a "Yes I can!" attitude in the kids. I post all the top 10 scorers on my board, and permanently put their names on a bulletin board for each time they make it. There is also a class by class competition tied into this using class averages. The class with the highest average gets 4 points, 3, 2 and 1. At the end of the semester, the class with the highest points gets a pizza party. I also post all 100% scores on a board-- already, I've had 4 girls who said they didn't like science on the first day change their minds because now they think they can...and I can gradually make it harder and push them more.


8. I hold an auction in October--snacks and school supplies. Money consists of 1/3 sticky notes in bright colors that I cut and give to kids anytime they do something I like-- ask a question, answer a question, quietly work, involve others in a discussion, clean up, etc. This way, I can reinforce good behavior right away and work on their ability to delay gratification (behaviorism anybody?)


9. I tell the kids I want their parents numbers (which I can get from the computer anyway) so I can call home and say good things about them. I target the kids who scoff at me first-- they're almost always new and they don't know my rep and don't have one of their own yet. I give then a ton of attention, stickies, praise, and call home within the first couple of days to prove I mean business. After that, they're in my pocket. One student, who scoffed at me hardcore, now gives me a fistbump every day. Today, he said "Best part of my day, comin' up!" Heck yes.


10. My consequences are: 1 a warning, 2 a side conversation wherin I pull you out of class to redirect or ask what is wrong, 3 a student-teacher conference after school to fix what's going on wrong and see if I am doing something to upset them, 4 call home, 5 detention. They like that we work it out multiple times before I involve their parents. Usually, it doesn't get past 3.


11. We practice procedures a LOT. And by a lot, I mean a lot. As the week goes on, I add more, depending on what each class needs. If they see something as a procedure and not as a rule, they're more likely to do it. If they're not, I ask them what the procedure is, and have them redo it calmly. This may mean lining up a class and bringing them all back in if they're being too rowdy. Procedures NEVER STOP! Add and take away more as you go!


12. If students aren't doing what I ask, I always jump in nicely (with my eyebrows up like I'm excited to help) with "Is there a question"? or "can I help you with something" instead of the authoritarian "Why are you talking? Didn't I tell you not to talk!!!!" They either look guilty and stop, or they ask!


13. I write tons of "Positive Referrals." When the kids get them the ISS lady (who is AWESOME and everyone knows her and wants to impress her) or the assistant principal calls home, and tells the parents how awesome their kids are. They also get a certificate, a copy of the referral and a candy bar from her. She comes to the classrooms and presents them and makes a big deal out of how awesome they are.

Shut it: Student Version

Dear New Students,
Please do not complain when I ask you to write a summarizing paragraph after watching a video. Do you know what I have to do?

I have to read horrid sentences like

"They dispel any remaining assumptions we may hold that tracking decisions are systematically objective and rational; they show that arbitrary and idiosyncratic placement decisions are common, and can be related to seat availability in classes or students’ ascribed characteristics."

200 pages of that. And then take notes. And then write a ten page paper analyzing my school through the lens of said crap.
Every week.

So, please. Shut it. You may have it rough at home, but you have no idea what hard work is.

Love,
Miss J

Shanked a Rhino

Student: Miss J, you ain't tough.
Me: Pfft. I shanked a rhino once.
Student: Was it already dead?
Me: Well, yeah. But I killed it with my GLARE.
Student: Yeah, your face will do that to a person.


Damn it.

Umlaut isn't Sexy....Yet.

Last year, of our students tried to teach us how to create ghetto names. According to I-Sha-Kia, one has to have multiple capitol letters as well as punctuation. (And how can you argue with a girl named I-Sha-Kia?)

Not long after, I learned the name La-a. Of course, being a white girl, I looked at it, puzzled, and thought "La....ah?" Nope.

La. Dash. a.

Hilarious.

So, I've been working on my own ghetto fabulous names.

I will be J'Niqua (as I'm Miss J)
and my "first borns"?

L' and S*.

Oh yeah. Lapostrophe and Sasterisk. (Cuz I'm so sassy.)
If a boy? P&.

Pampersand. He be all KINDSA spoilt.

I see Puerto Ricans.

"...but dead people aren't people. They're like Puerto Ricans."

Yikes.

Badass be GONE!

This year, I have a lot of male students who think they are badasses. They're not. But they really think they are, with their skinny jeans and huge hoop earrings (What is with the girl fashion on boys? I am clearly an old person who just does not get it). This does not fly with me. You are not cool unless you can loosen up and laugh at yourself.

So, I have a plan to demolish their stupid egos and turn them into humans that are actually funny and fun to be around. By doing what, you ask? By manipulating them into doing TOTALLY STUPID THINGS!!!

SO far:

1. I convinced a kid that his drawing of a horse needed a horn, because unicorns are way better. He disagreed-- cowboys could not ride unicorns. Unicorns are too fruity. I made stupid noises at him and said "I'm sorry, if there was a big black horse with a huge horn running full speed at me...ready to stab me THROUGH THE HEART because it had a HUGE SWORD on its FACE..... I would be afraid. Unicorns don't have to be pink and sparkly you know. They're actually kind of b-a." He disagreed.I smirked like he didn't know what he was talking about and walked away. Then, when I walked back 5 minutes later, there was a horn drawn on his horse. And--best part-- a rainbow drawn on its butt.

2. I got my unruly last class (which is mostly boys) to sing this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0305/video-extr-q-350-03.html with exuberance. Score: Ms J. 1, kiddos naught. Oh yeah-- and that part where the singer says "and skin and BRAIN!"? We all shake our fists to it and amp up the voice. And we may even sway-dance back and forth.... heh heh heh.

3. I bought this totally ridiculous, bright green, googly-eyed, felt hat. It was a couple dollars at Michael's and has a lizard-like appearance with its spikes on the top. Its totally awesome. I call it my Godzilla hat. Knowing teenagers.... I used reverse psychology. I told them I would chase them around with the hat on if they didn't behave. Which triggered all of my too-cool-for-school boys to want to wear it. And they do.

Whatever shall I do next? Heh, heh, heh.

If you have any ideas.... let me know!