I suck at this

So, let's talk about how I don't know how to make friends.

Most girls my age-ish end their sentences on a high note as if they are asking a question. And love to go tanning. And talk about how much they are going to drink over the weekend. And call students cray-cray. And scream when they see mice.

None of them are bad people. In fact, most I've met are downright intelligent and good at their jobs. Its just.... I have absolutely nothing in common with them outside of teaching.

So, I sit their quietly and TRY to think of something nice/funny/interesting to say. This usually results in me saying something I think is hilarious, to which dead silence rocks the room OR, my comment gets ignored completely.
The flip side is: I say something I think is hilarious, and its comes off as really sarcastic, and they seem a little offended. Shit.

Now the guys-- the guys I'm good with. I can make friends with them. Or anyone who is older than I am. Or any woman who likes other women. But women my own age? Forget it. They're like another species.

Where are all the women who still love playing in the rain, do ridiculous things WITHOUT being inebriated, love being outside, don't give two poops about designer labels, and read instead of watching trashy tv? Where are they?

They must exist.

Last week, a new student described me as being "insanely confident." With kids.... this is true. With adults... its a toss up. One of my co-workers (a trustworthy male who cracks me up every 5 seconds) said that I did come off a bit standoffish. I don't mean to. It just... happens.

But, maybe this is why I'm good with weirdo middle-schoolers. I still know what it feels like to be awkward.

Toto, we are not in Phoenix anymore.

So, I've officially started my new job. Almost three weeks ago now. The first week was an intensive, ass-kicking training, and now-- its summer school. Yes, I said it. Summer school. But, for the most part, not to punish the kids. No, we are there to train them on How to Act in School.

How we Do Things Here. How to play games and show respect, responsibility, courage, curiosity, and integrity while doing their best. How to work hard and stay organized. How to sit. How to raise their hands. How to watch whoever is speaking at all times. How to train, like samurais, to go to college.

Here are some snippets from the last three weeks.

1. Yesterday, while in detention (which we call "refocus"), a 6th grade, low-income, minority student said to me "Talking in the halls is not conducive to a focused learning environment."

2. The kids, on the first day, jumped to their feet, put on their uniform shirts for the first time...and cheered.

3. The kids' big rebellion last year was using. Using mechanical pencils.

4. We are supposed to take "brain breaks" mid-class, which can mean suddenly doing ninja poses, moves from the evolution of dance, or tae bo for 30 seconds before returning to work.

5. People have already observed me teach multiple times and have given me feedback both orally and in writing to egg me on.

6. I have already collaborated and successfully made lesson plans with another intelligent human. Twice.

7. Pig dissection. Virtual human anatomy lab. A new touch-screen work computer.

8. A man from the medical school came to talk to the kids, looked out at all of us, looked back at the kids and said "Don't screw this up. You have an amazing opportunity, and these people-- they're here because they LOVE YOU. Don't forget that."


Where the hell am I?

Promotion

Well, it's that time again. 8th grade promotion. The day couldn't come fast enough, and now that it's here, I'm kind of shocked. I went to dinner last night with a former student-- one I've known since she was a 6th grader, now nearly 4 years ago-- and thought "Wasn't your promotion ceremony just a week ago?" My babies are growing up so fast. My first class of kids will be juniors! How does this happen? I'm having my ten-year high school reunion and they're juniors.

I can see how one could lose 20 years to this job in the blink of an eye. Time speeds up as your body slows down.

Today, to be frightfully cliche, is the closing of a chapter. The kids will give their speeches, we'll all hug and take pictures, I'll clean my already-barren room, and then... I'll be gone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Promotion just ended. I cried tureens of tears. Becca, one of my favorites, gave a speech and quoted a letter I had given her earlier this year about never giving up and being a leader, and thanked me for being an inspiration and I criiiiiiied. I walked out the door, bawling my eyes out, into a sea of kids who wanted a picture taken. And of course, some of my favorite kids disappeared before I got to say goodbye to them. Another student's mother thanked me for a good FIVE MINUTES for teaching her daughter high level material, and for never giving up, and for making sure she got a high quality education.

I am exhausted, emotionally drained, and intellectually burnt out. But, strangely, somewhat happy.

Goodbye Rafe, Anthony, Figueroa, Nathaly, Becca, Melissa, Alan, Destiny, Ernesto, Lemus, Alyssa, Nando, Albert, Zyra, Javier, Kevin, Ivonne, Dimples, David, Juan, Sarina....... and all the rest.

Well, Mary didn't have sex at all, and she had ONE kid so...

According to our secretary, a former student (who is now in 10th grade) came in to visit and told her that he was having a girl, or maybe a boy. He wasn't sure. He thought maybe it could be twins. Or triplets. He thought it was probably a couple babies because....

"I got 'er pretty good."

Whaaaaat?! Wait a second.

YOU GOT HER PRETTY GOOD?

You think that. Because you banged your chick hard. That you're having SEVERAL BABIES?


Holy crap. Can we please (for the love of, oh, say, OUR PLANET) teach sex ed?

Elemental Lunch

Tyler: Hey, Alyssa, do you know what we're having for lunch today?
Alyssa: Nope!
Tyler: (sings) There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

Alyssa:Sounds good!

Without missing a beat.

Love this class.

Runny

Javier(super smart, funny kid) writes: "As he was runny down the hallway..."
Me: "Runny" down the hallway?
Javier: Yeah.
Me: RUNNY?! Runny. Running. Runny. RunnING.
Javier: Oh crap.
Me: He was what, dripping down the hallway? That's gross.
Javier: I MEANT RUNNING AND YOU KNOW IT.
Me: Oh! I know, I know! He's a slug. He's a slug and he's dripping his slime all over the hallway. Oh, poetic. I like it. (draws dripping slug on the board)
Javier: One little mistake. I make OOOONE little mistake and this is what I get.
Me: If you start crying, and leave the room, your nose will be runny all down the hallway.
Javier: You're not going to let this go, are you?
Me: Nope!

Two days later--
I get a teacher appreciation card from him. He drew a slug, and signed it "Runny."

The Nicest Thing

Yesterday, we had a short meeting after school. The principal talked about yet ANOTHER teacher who isn't coming back for the remainder of the year, then turned to celebrate our rookie and teacher of the year--both of which were elementary school teachers. We all clapped, went home.

This morning, as I walked up to my door, I saw Mr. Ag holding my door shut. I gave him a pretty inquisitive look and he let me in. "....Surprise!" The social studies teacher said. There, standing in the dark, were the 7th grade science teacher Ms. G, 7/8th grade math teacher Ms. H, Mr. Ag and Mr. K. With balloons. And a card. And roses.

I just stared at them in my typical pre-9am zombie state.

"What.....is this all about?"

"You should have been teacher of the year," Mr. K said.
"There should really be two-- they don't know what we deal with up here," Ms. G said.
"You deserve it."

I just about burst into tears and didn't know what to say. I gave them a hug and then shooed them all out in my grateful awkwardness.

The card, sitting on my desk said:

From All of Us
Sometimes your day is awesome
and turns out exactly right,
Sometimes no matter what you do,
it's like an uphill fight.
But whether days are up or down,
or who knows what direction,
We're always in your corner like
a little cheering section.


Then, little notes--

I love you! You were the best mentor teacher that I could ever ask for and you are an awesome friend. Can't wait until you are done with school so we can just relax together!
--Ms. G


I think that out of everybody here, you were one of the main people that were my support. Thank you! You are the teacher of the year! -- Ms. H

You're an amazing teacher! You've helped me out so much this year; we're all going to miss you! -- Mr. K

You are the teacher of the year many times over. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you, and you're going to do amazing things next year. -- Mr. Ag


I sat there, in the dark, and just stared at the goodness, fought tears, and then scampered down to my faux sister, Ms. R's room to tell her.

Isn't that the nicest thing? It has been a while since I've had happy tears.

Toe-Mas.

You know you teach in AZ when....

you pronounce Tomas "toe-MAS" and think "Tom-us" sounds wrong.

That horse must go to DMS!

I was looking up books on writing summative assessments and authentic, performance based assessments.

This is what I found.
1. Test Better, Teach Better
2. Gobbledegook
3. Mathy goobledegook.

4. BOMBPROOF YOUR HORSE?!

What the .......


Who even writes that book?

They should go back....

My school's marquee (I think that's the right word... the sign thing) spelled school....

schooll.

Also, on the girls' athletic t-shirts...they left a letter OUT of the school's name.

What a sad commentary.

Genre Study for 3rd Graders

HA!
This woman teaching 3rd grade thinks it would be a good idea to have her 3RD GRADERS all research different genres of literature and report on them. That's how they will learn genre.

3rd graders.

I asked her if she has books or things they can look at and compare, you know, like a basket of folktales/myths/fantasy/sci fi/etc. etc. etc.

No, she says. They can just, you know, google about them.

Oh. Have you read a lot in class together so they have some prior knowledge to connect to?

Well, I mean, we read outloud every day, but we don't talk about genre.

Okay, so, then, if you were creating a rubric about what they should know, what would you say would be important? What would you have them compare and contrast? Character types? Settings? Big ideas or themes-- that might be kind of hard for them...What scaffolding would you give them?


Uh, I don't know. They'll just look on google.


Wow.

Shushing Shannan

Instead of doing the warm up this morning, this girl (let's call her Shannan) in my first hour class decided to write this:

"I got your legs spard over the bed hands clash the sheets hair wild hell I know the only on mind sexing me girl I can feel your tempure rising you should my naral to come on its going to a bomp ride drop boy in the back set window should get deep fock all over the glass I don't know how I can last with you"

Hmm. That doesn't look a WHOLE like Newton's 1st law. I mean, I guess objects in motion...

Anyhow, I took it from her and quietly told her she would have a detention after I read it (this was after she'd already given me hell for being out of dress code.). In typical DMS fashion, she started screaming at me-- how dare I have the right to take her things, she'd write the lyrics all over. I just said "Okay. That's fine. Enjoy that." In a very NON sarcastic, sweet voice. She kept going, yelling at me, grumbling about how I couldn't do NOTHING.

Until the boys in my class started shushing her.

"I ain't gonna---- SHHHH!" ---...serve no detention...."
"I don't have to -- SHHHHHHHH!....listen to anything you ---SHHH!!! ....say...."

From time to time the kids looked back at me to gage my reaction, I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders like "Whatcha gonna do?" They all giggled.

I call that a win.

Other Teachers' Biggest Problems

Some of the teachers* in my grad program:

"My biggest problem? Well, these kids!! They are all farm kids and sometimes they come to school with cow manure on their boots. And they NEVER have pencils. It is soooooooo irritating. I mean, how do you not have a pencil! Bring a pencil! Unbelievable."

"I did my action research on kids who have too much homework. Studies show that students have too much homework get stressed, their health levels decrease, and they are more prone to cheating just to keep up. At the all-girls college prep I work at, students have on average do 2 hours of homework a night, plus 3 hours of extra-curriculars, and they are only getting about 6 hours of sleep a night which is just too little. This is a huge problem."

"I have 27 kids in my classroom which includes 7 special ed students in self-contained 5th grade. How am I supposed to meet all of their needs? Some are gifted, some are, I guess you'd say your average students, and then the special education students. They all read at different levels, they all do math at different levels...and the ones who need to do the homework the MOST never do."


After this.... my professor called on me. I guess I was making incredulous faces and she wanted to know my perspective....All I kept thinking was "How do I say what I have to say and NOT sound like a bitch?"

*Some of these people are doing their student teaching after having a career in something else....

I < 3 my Old Students!

Former student's text: That really sucks that your new kids aren't as cool as we were! But you are a really nice person,and I think you can find a better job. Like seriously, you are amazing in drawing,good in writing stories, and you're really, really smart. And you're still young, Miss J! I think you will find the great career you want. You deserve it! :)

Clarification

By "it worked" I meant our meeting-- the superintendent came to our school to present some awards to staff members who have been there forEVER, and our principal said that if anyone had something they wanted to talk to him about now.... speak now or forever hold your peace. I was the first to jump to my feet and grab my stuff. 5 others followed.

We told the superintendent about Our Very Student's violent record (most of which was news to him because the people who did the investigation didn't do their jobs....), and how our safety, and the safety of our students was at stake. He had just been talking about both loyalty and safety, so we launched with that-- how do you expect to keep teachers, any teachers, much less the good ones, if they don't feel safe walking into their classrooms? If they are worried they're going to get hit? If their immune systems are failing and they are having panic attacks due to the stressful and toxic environment? Should they have to walk in and worry about being called a fucking bitch, or told to shut the fuck up?

The computer teacher raised the point that while there were only 6 of us, there were many more who felt the same way we did, but were afraid to come forward. She cleverly insinuated that if this wasn't taken care of, and if district didn't do something to change its policies overall, that they would have a mutiny on their hands.

It worked!
We won.

'bout damn time.

Now, how about the other 6 in the 7/8th grades who desperately need more help, counseling, and behavior management than we can give them.....