Dem Bones

We were learning about the bones. I was in front of the class saying things like "put your phalanges on your clavicles and move your mandibles!," when Rico (real name not Rico, but he thinks he's reaaaal suave) said, glimmer in his eye...

"Miss J! Does a boy's private part have a bone in it?"

Oh hell.

"Nope!" I said and kept going. "Knock your patellas together! Roll your scapulas! Put your carpals on your cranium!"

"But, I saw in this movie, that this girl BROKE..."

"Go home and talk to your parents about it! Now bend your patellas to your sternum and place your metacarpals on your mandible!"

"But why else would they call it a bone--"

"What-two-bones-make-up-your-skull?" I interrupted.

"MANDIBLE AND CRANIUM," screamed the class.

Rico was quiet. Crisis averted.

The Not so Good

Student #1:

Large, St. Bernard puppy of a student. Might have ADHD. Very intelligent, but also very disruptive. Suspended for nearly two weeks because he was fiendishly wielding a razor blade. Not the kind that you shave with, with the nice little plastic handle. Nope. Just the blade. 'Bout 3 inches long, 1 inch wide. Sharp and pointy and full of tetanus on all sides. Was reported to have calmly dragged it across several students' skins before anyone had to guts to tell me. Best friend of....


Student #2:

Incredibly intelligent. Incredibly charasmatic. Is speeding helter-skelter, ass-over-tea kettle to a life of desperation and depravity. Won't do his work. Doesn't care when he makes other kids cry. Says "I don't care if I end up in jail, long as I don't get raped." Makes "fortune tellers" whose fortunes include "ur a virgin," "ur gay," "ur gonna be a daddy soon," "ur hard," and "ur pregnant." Who likes to hang out with....


Student #3:
Also very intelligent. Problem? She's too comfortable with me. Was given a referral for grabbing my arm, and screaming "GET OVER HERE!" at me, instead of raising her hand and asking for help. Last week slapped a kid in the face as hard as she could, then got mad at ME when consequences were handed out.

All three have ENORMOUS potential. Great memories, great intelligence, great people skills. But they just don't seem to care if they end up with crappy lives. Even though they SEE it day to day, they still don't think it will happen to them. And you can tell them a thousand times that if they follow the same path they'll get to the same place, but it doesn't really matter.

China in Less than 10 Minutes

My kids just took their final China exam, and BOY was I thrilled-- 12 got 100% or better! 9 had 75-94%. How awesome is that? I was very pleased. All but about 6 students can name 21 Asian countries. Can you? Check your skills at...

http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/Asian_Geography.htm
Click Level 1 and see how well you do. :)

Next week, we will (sans scripts) perform a play I wrote for them. Some of you expressed interest in reading it, so here it is! (Be warned... I have 6th grade humor...)

A History of China... In Less than 10 Minutes

Part 1: Shang Dynasty

Narrator: Around 4,000 years ago, the Shang ruler had a problem. Would he get a date to the big dance?

Shang Leader: Oh no, oh no. Nobody will go out with me! What will I do?! ...I know! I’ll consult the Oracle! Oh Oracle! Oracle!!!!

Oracle: (exasperated) Now what?

Shang: Will you go with me to the dance?

Oracle: Not a chance.

Shang Leader: Well then… who will?

Oracle: (rolls eyes) Do you need me to consult the bones again?

Shang Leader: Yes!

Oracle: Call in the turtles! And the oxen! And the slaves!

Turtle, Oxen, Slaves: (walk in and are killed. Fall to the floor.)

Oracle: There. Now we can stab their bones with a metal prod and tell the future.

Turtle, Oxen, Slaves: This sucks.

Shang leader: Well, well?! What’s it say?

Oracle: (prodding turtle) It says…. That the only person who’d go with you... is your mother.

Shang: Awwwww!!! It’s got to say more than that!

Oracle: Acutally, it does. It also says that one day; people will grind up these bones and use them for medicine!

Shang: They’ll WHAT?!

Oracle: Yeah! They’ll think they’re from dragons. Isn’t that hilarious?

Slave: Yeah, almost as funny as Shang here dating his mother.

Shang: Why I oughta…

Slave: Hey, I’m already dead!

Oracle: Woah. You’re never going to believe this!

Shang: What else?!

Oracle: They also stick super thin needles into themselves for healing! They call it… acupuncture!

Shang: No way!

Oracle: They also turn their hilly farmlands into steps so there’s more room for the plants to grow.

Shang: Finally, a good idea!

Narrator: 4,000 years later, there were some seriously freaked out farmers.

Farmer: What the heck? Why is there a bone in my field of steps? Ah! Here’s another one! I know, they must be from DRAGONS! But look, there’s writing on them! … I didn’t know dragons could write!!! Woah!

Turtle: What an idiot.

Part 2: Qin Dynasty

Narrator: After the Shang Dynasty ended, a man named Qin Shi Huangdi took over.

Qin: I am Qin Shi Huangdi! And I am taking over!!!

Narrator: I just said that.

Qin: Oh. Well, I am taking over! All of China! And I will name it after myself! Qin-China! Get it? (nudges Narrator with elbow) AND I will be the greatest! AND I will not date my mother!

Narrator: Um… why would you do that?

Qin: No idea.

Narrator: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Qin: What’s that?

Narrator: You’re also going to be the first emperor of China.

Qin: Oh yeah! That’s true. I’m awesome. You know what else I’m going to do? I’m gonna kick Confucius out. That dude’s too peaceful. I don’t like him. (narrator leaves, scholar enters)

Scholar: Um, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

Qin: No? You don’t? Are you disagreeing with me?

Scholar: Um… yeah?

Qin: I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Scholar: AHHH! (dies) (doctor enters)

Doctor: Qin—you need to calm down. Here, take your medicine.

Qin: Much better. Now as I was saying, that Confucius has GOT to go. He keeps going on and on about education. Who wants to go to school? Pfft. (scholar 2 enters, doctor exits)

Scholar #2: Actually, I think that would be a great idea. See, look in this book of his. Its called the “Analects”

Qin: Let me see that. Ha! I take your book! And I burn it! Burn, book, burn!

Scholar #2: What did you do that for?!! You idiot!

Qin: What did you call me?! I am a genius! I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Scholar #2: Ahhh! (dies) (enter doctor)

Doctor: Qin, you’re still not calm. Here, take some more medicine.

Qin: Oh, thank you. This stuff should make me live forever. Now where was I? (doctor exits, narrator enters)

Narrator: You forgot to mention your terracotta army.

Qin: Oh yes! Oh, Master Sculptor!

Sculptor: (enters with two totally still army men/sculptures) What?

Qin: You finish sculpting all 8,000 of my army men yet?

Sculptor: Yup! Just finishing the last two. There! Done! So, what museum are we going to put these in?

Qin: Museum! I’m going to bury them with me so they protect me!

Sculptor: What?! All of my hard work is going to be buried?! You must be insane!

Qin: What?! What did you just say! I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Sculptor: I’m a sculptor. Not a scholar. (enter doctor)

Doctor: Oh, Qin, please. Take your medicine.

Qin: Oh, thank you. (enter slave)

Slave: Um, Emperor Qin, the first large section of you wall is done being built. Using pounded earth isn’t working very well. I think it’s going to erode away really quickly. Don’t you think rock would be better?

Qin: What do you know? You’re just a slave! Now….ACK!!! (Qin dies)

Slave: What were in those pills?

Doctor: Mercury. Guess it doesn’t make you live forever after all.

Part 3: Han Dynasty

Narrator: Not long after Qin died of mercury poisoning, his 17 children mysteriously died, and a new emperor came into power. His name was Gaozu.

Gaozu: (sitting peacefully in lotus position, humming) Ommmm. Ommmm.

Narrator: Uh, Gaozu. Aren’t you going to rule.

Gaozu: Oh, I am. I am going to rule peacefully, just as Confucius said. (goes back to humming)

Narrator: Confucius, did you say that?

Confucius: (proudly) Yeah, I did. I also said that you should treat other people as you would want to be treated. And I thought of the idea of filial piety, which means that children should respect their elders!

Narrator: (dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, yeah. You’re pretty special, aren’t you?

Confucious: Hey, aren’t you a woman?

Narrator: Um.. yeah.

Confucius: Then, what are you doing here! You should be at home, making dinner!

Narrator: What?! Excuse me?! That’s it. I quit!

Confucius: And you, Gaozu, you should be making schools. And getting an education!

Gaozu: (still humming with eyes closed) Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmm.

Narrator: In a few decades, a new emperor came along. His name was Wudi.

Confucius: I thought you quit.

Narrator: Yeah well, someone has to do this job. Hey Wudi, don’t leave me alone with this guy!

Wudi: This guy? Confucius is the bomb, man! He’s got the knowledge to make us great.

Confucius: Yeah! See? Now, go make me a sandwich.

Narrator: What did you just say to me?! That’s it. I’m out of here. For real this time.

Wudi: (as she stomps off) Will you make me one too, please?

Narrator: (screams)

Wudi: Well, now that she’s gone.. I’ve got work to do. We’ve got to open up some schools, and see what the inventors are up to. Hey, Main Inventor! Come here!

Inventor: (bows deeply) Yes, my great emperor?

Wudi: What do you have to show us?

Inventor: Well, I took the pulp from a mulberry tree and made paper.

Wudi: Um, didn’t the Egyptians do that already?

Inventor: Not to correct you, oh magnanimous leader, but they made theirs with papyrus.

Wudi. Oh. What else?

Inventor: I also invented a seismograph.

Wudi: A what?

Inventor: A seismograph. It tells you when an earthquake hits, and from where.

Wudi: Nice idea. Anything else?

Inventor: Oh yeah. I unraveled the silk from the silkworm’s cocoon and made cloth. The ladies looove it.

Silkworms: (Run through, covering themselves) AHHH! WE’RE NAKED!!!

Wudi: What are we going to do with all of this stuff?

Narrator: Trade it for other things on the Silk Road. People will come all the way from Europe just to buy it.

Wudi: Didn’t you quit twice?

Narrator: Yes. But I can tell when I’m needed. (sweetly) Hey, Confuuuuucius. I made you a saaaandwich!

Confucius: You did? How sweet! (takes bite) Mmm. OH NO!! MERCURY! (Grabs throat and dies).

Narrator: See?

Wudi: Remind me never to make you mad.

Part 4: Yuan Dynasty

Narrator: Years passed and to the North, an army was growing. This army of nomadic Mongolian tribesmen were led by one great man—Genghis Khan.

Genghis: Huns.

Narrator: Who you callin’ hun?

Genghis: No. Huns. Nomadic Mongolian Tribesmen. You can just say Huns. It’s easier.

Narrator. Oh. Thanks! Anyhow. Genghis united all of the Huns and created one of the hugest empires the world had ever seen!

Genghis: That’s right!

Narrator: Too bad he got old and couldn’t take over China like he wanted to.

Genghis: Hey, at least I didn’t think mercury could make me live forever.

Narrator: Very true. Now, as I was saying. Genghis got old, and his grandson, Kublai Khan had to take over.

Kublai Khan: (doing jumping jacks in place) yeah! One more country! One more country! One more country!

Narrator: (in reporter tone) So, Kublai, how did you do it? How did you take over China?

Kublai: (jogging in place) Easy. It’s all about repetition. You know. Doing the same thing over and over. We attacked and attacked and attacked, and eventually, wore them down!

Narrator: Can you explain WHY you wanted to attack?

Kublai: Sure. We were living on the steppe—this dry grassy area where nothing really grows. We needed to trade with China, but they wouldn’t trade with us. So we decided to take them over and just TAKE what we wanted!

Narrator: How do the Chinese like being ruled by a Mongolian?

Kublai: They love me! I build all sorts of new roads for them.

Road Builder: You stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: (ignoring him) And I rebuilt the Grand Canal—which is kind of like a man made river.

Grand Canal Worker: You stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: AND, we all started using paper money!

Banker: You REALLY stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: And I give them religious freedom. Yep, I’d say they love me!

Poor Farmer Mom: Yeah, but you take all of my crops to buy yourself nice things!

Poor Farmer Dad: Yeah! We’re starving! You stink so much, I can smell you in Russia! Go home, Mongolian!

Narrator: (sarcastically) Yes… it seems they really do love you.

Part 5: Ming Dynasty

Narrator: (to poor farmers) Hey, can you believe that guy?

Poor Mother Farmer: He’s awful. Thinks he can just prance in here and rule? Ha!

Poor Father Farmer: In the meantime, we’ve got nothing to eat! What are we going to feed our son? Kublai is still taking all of our food!

Zhu: Yeah! I’m hungry.

Narrator: The next day….

Zhu: Hey mom, I’m hungry!

Narrator: The next day…

Zhu: Hey mom? Mom? I’m hungry…. You know what? That’s it. This Kublai’s going down. I need some FOOD.

Narrator: So, Zhu, the poor, starving farmer, rounded up some of his friends—the Red Turbans.

Zhu: Hey! You guys hungry?

Red Turbans: Yeah.

Zhu: You want food?

Red Turbans: Yeah!!

Zhu: (even more excitedly) You like the color red?

Red Turbans: YEAH!

Zhu: Excellent. Let’s go kick Kublai Khan out of China.

Red Turbans: (jumping up and down) Hooray!!

Narrator: In no time at all, Zhu and his Red Turbans kicked Kublai Khan back to Mongolia.

Red Turban #1: Hey, now we need an emperor! I think it’ll be me!

Red Turban #2: No! I want to be emperor!

Red Turban #1: My turban’s redder than yours.

Red Turban #2: No it isn’t! My turban’s redder than YOURS!

Zhu: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let’s not fight. Everyone knows that I get to be emperor.

Red Turbans: They do?

Zhu: They do.

Red Turban #1: Well, if that’s true, what do you do that’s so great?

Zhu: (proud of himself) I make some totally awesome pottery.

Red Turban #2: (incredulously) You make PLATES?

Zhu: And bowls. They’re blue and white. Very pretty. Made of porcelain, like toilets!

Red Turban #1: WHAT?

Zhu: And vases! Don’t forget vases. Ming vases are FAMOUS.

Prince: (runs through) OH NO!! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED BY NOMADIC MONGOLIAN TRIBESMEN! HELP! HELP!

Zhu: Huns.

Red Turban #2: Who are you callin’ hun?

Zhu:You know, these Mongolians are a real pain. I think we should build a 4,000 mile wall around China. You want to go start building it?

Red Turbans: US? Build a 4,000 mile wall?

Zhu: Sure! That’d be great! Great friends to build a great wall. Who else can I trust to do it right?

Red Turban #1: Sure. We’ll start. Right after we drink some of this mercury.

THE END!