1.
"And for making fun of them, you get to clean the cafeteria."
"Awww. But.... but....!"
"Alone."
"Why?"
"Because your shirt is also untucked."
"It's not untucked. I just untucked it intentionally."
2.
"Wow. Really? Passing a note INCHES away from me. Smart."
"We were passing a note! But! Its not a note!"
Er..... is there something in the water here?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Miss Information, meet Mis-information.
Sometimes, these kids just kill me. Examples....
After school, Ms. C and I are outside, pretending like we could actually be of some use if a fight breaks out. One of her students comes up to us and says....
"Ms. C, if Mr. X doesn't like you, its just because he's English."
"English?"
"Yeah. You know. English. All of them guys over there, they're all like... you know. Liking guys."
"They do?"
"Yes. And he talks like them. He's serious like, (here, his pinky goes straight into the air, and he busts out a wicked accent) "may I have a cuppa tea?"
Ms. C and I are now looking at him like he's mad.
Ms. C's voice now, oozes sarcasm.
"And that means he likes guys."
"Well, if he doesn't go for YOU... he MUST."
"Thank you, Laredo. Go home."
So there you have it.
They don't know their multiplication.... but they "know" that the entire UK consists of gay men.
They don't know where the equator is... but they can do a great job pantomiming oral sex.
They know how to find brass knuckles... but not their homework.
They can get weed... but not to school on time.
Someone, please explain this to me.
After school, Ms. C and I are outside, pretending like we could actually be of some use if a fight breaks out. One of her students comes up to us and says....
"Ms. C, if Mr. X doesn't like you, its just because he's English."
"English?"
"Yeah. You know. English. All of them guys over there, they're all like... you know. Liking guys."
"They do?"
"Yes. And he talks like them. He's serious like, (here, his pinky goes straight into the air, and he busts out a wicked accent) "may I have a cuppa tea?"
Ms. C and I are now looking at him like he's mad.
Ms. C's voice now, oozes sarcasm.
"And that means he likes guys."
"Well, if he doesn't go for YOU... he MUST."
"Thank you, Laredo. Go home."
So there you have it.
They don't know their multiplication.... but they "know" that the entire UK consists of gay men.
They don't know where the equator is... but they can do a great job pantomiming oral sex.
They know how to find brass knuckles... but not their homework.
They can get weed... but not to school on time.
Someone, please explain this to me.
Insults
In case you are curious, here are the insulting words/phrases we've learned so far.... (some of which, I use yo mama jokes with)...
acephalous chicken
ubiquitous slime mold
flea-bitten vagrant
racist xenophobe
narcissistic
lachrymose leper
absconding fugitive
petulant pansy
apathetic robot
raging halitosis
alarmingly Lilliputian
vapid valley girl
ophidian conspirator
recalcitrant brat
scatalogical sleeze bag
coprolite
duplicitous deceiver
flatulent spaz
Part 2: (in time for Halloween)
pilfering prosimian
putrid pile of tripe
neurotic vampire
mephitic werewolf
unctuous manipulator
gangrenous corpse
pustulating sea hag
repulsive cephalopod
addlebrained recluse
necrotic zombie
melancholic pessimist
vacuous sasquatch
microcephalic imbecile
bumptious jock
Anybody know 'em all? Oh, how I love words....
acephalous chicken
ubiquitous slime mold
flea-bitten vagrant
racist xenophobe
narcissistic
lachrymose leper
absconding fugitive
petulant pansy
apathetic robot
raging halitosis
alarmingly Lilliputian
vapid valley girl
ophidian conspirator
recalcitrant brat
scatalogical sleeze bag
coprolite
duplicitous deceiver
flatulent spaz
Part 2: (in time for Halloween)
pilfering prosimian
putrid pile of tripe
neurotic vampire
mephitic werewolf
unctuous manipulator
gangrenous corpse
pustulating sea hag
repulsive cephalopod
addlebrained recluse
necrotic zombie
melancholic pessimist
vacuous sasquatch
microcephalic imbecile
bumptious jock
Anybody know 'em all? Oh, how I love words....
Shoulders and Pride
At the end of the day, I take my last class to gym. They know to walk straight out of my room and stop at the end of the wall.
For a straight line I look for two things.
1) That each student has their right shoulder touching the wall.
2) That all of them are looking forward.
Of course, there are always several who aren't doing these two simple things. So, for the first few days, conversations like these could be heard:
"Where are your shoulders PEOPLE?!"
"Right here Miss J!" Point, point.
"Connected to my arms!"
Asses.
"Where should the be?!"
"On me!"
"Okay, people. Everybody, put your shoulder on Jesus."
"NOooooooo!"
And "Okay, you keep looking behind you, and I'm going to turn you to stone!"
"How are you going to turn us to stone?"
"Have you not SEEN my face?"
"WHAT?!"
Then a bright student: "Dude. She's saying she's Medusa."
"Yes. 10 points for you, Tiffany. I am a Gorgon. So hideous, I turn you to stone. Whaa! Boom. Stone."
"Wait, is that the lady with the snakes for hair?"
"Yes. That's me. Now look ahead lest you want my venom hair to sting you dead."
"I thought you were going to turn me to stone. I can't be poisoned if I'm stone."
"Oh, for the love of God! Can we go?"
"Yes, Miss J."
Then, one day, I asked again.... "Where should your shoulders be?"
Rosalie looks at me, gleaming with mischief. "On the floor," she responds.
I raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
She nods.
"Okay everybody, that's it! You heard the woman! Shoulders on the floor!"
A cacophony. A chorus.
"Are you for REAL?!"
"You can't be serious!"
Oh, but I am. Shrieks, and all 30 8th graders drop like stones.
Now, this is a game. Every once in a while, they'll look at me now, in the mood for trouble, knowing that moments later the hallway could be flooded with other 7/8th graders... eyes sparkling.. knowing this is our strange inside joke....and one kid will say questioningly "Shoulders?"
"Shoulders!" I'll shout. They all grin, groan madly, and collapse to the ground. Then, crack up, scream at Eduardo (the one kid who won't participate) ... then jump back to their feet, and we start walking, all giggling quietly to ourselves.
Today, was one such day. Only, as they are all dropping to the ground, who walks out of his room? Mr. X. Oh yeah. He starts leaping over them, obstacle course style. Until his foot slightly snags Tiffany. And out of her mouth come the purest, most beautiful words I've ever heard.
With ease, with grace, with total comfort, and without a second's thought she says:
"Leave me alone, you dirty vagrant!"
The sound was deafening. A tidal wave. A roar. Every kid went ballistic with laughter, gut-shaking laughter. I doubled over, quaking in delight.
See? There is a reason I teach my kids (using the scientific method, of course) an insult of the day. There is a reason I pound college level words into their heads every day. There is a reason I test them, even though its technically not science. For when, they really want to curse out someone they really shouldn't.... brilliant, intelligent words spew forth instead of curses.
I could not be more proud.
For a straight line I look for two things.
1) That each student has their right shoulder touching the wall.
2) That all of them are looking forward.
Of course, there are always several who aren't doing these two simple things. So, for the first few days, conversations like these could be heard:
"Where are your shoulders PEOPLE?!"
"Right here Miss J!" Point, point.
"Connected to my arms!"
Asses.
"Where should the be?!"
"On me!"
"Okay, people. Everybody, put your shoulder on Jesus."
"NOooooooo!"
And "Okay, you keep looking behind you, and I'm going to turn you to stone!"
"How are you going to turn us to stone?"
"Have you not SEEN my face?"
"WHAT?!"
Then a bright student: "Dude. She's saying she's Medusa."
"Yes. 10 points for you, Tiffany. I am a Gorgon. So hideous, I turn you to stone. Whaa! Boom. Stone."
"Wait, is that the lady with the snakes for hair?"
"Yes. That's me. Now look ahead lest you want my venom hair to sting you dead."
"I thought you were going to turn me to stone. I can't be poisoned if I'm stone."
"Oh, for the love of God! Can we go?"
"Yes, Miss J."
Then, one day, I asked again.... "Where should your shoulders be?"
Rosalie looks at me, gleaming with mischief. "On the floor," she responds.
I raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
She nods.
"Okay everybody, that's it! You heard the woman! Shoulders on the floor!"
A cacophony. A chorus.
"Are you for REAL?!"
"You can't be serious!"
Oh, but I am. Shrieks, and all 30 8th graders drop like stones.
Now, this is a game. Every once in a while, they'll look at me now, in the mood for trouble, knowing that moments later the hallway could be flooded with other 7/8th graders... eyes sparkling.. knowing this is our strange inside joke....and one kid will say questioningly "Shoulders?"
"Shoulders!" I'll shout. They all grin, groan madly, and collapse to the ground. Then, crack up, scream at Eduardo (the one kid who won't participate) ... then jump back to their feet, and we start walking, all giggling quietly to ourselves.
Today, was one such day. Only, as they are all dropping to the ground, who walks out of his room? Mr. X. Oh yeah. He starts leaping over them, obstacle course style. Until his foot slightly snags Tiffany. And out of her mouth come the purest, most beautiful words I've ever heard.
With ease, with grace, with total comfort, and without a second's thought she says:
"Leave me alone, you dirty vagrant!"
The sound was deafening. A tidal wave. A roar. Every kid went ballistic with laughter, gut-shaking laughter. I doubled over, quaking in delight.
See? There is a reason I teach my kids (using the scientific method, of course) an insult of the day. There is a reason I pound college level words into their heads every day. There is a reason I test them, even though its technically not science. For when, they really want to curse out someone they really shouldn't.... brilliant, intelligent words spew forth instead of curses.
I could not be more proud.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Pray on It
"Miss J, you have halitosis from kissing Mr. Faulk."
"Yes, that's totally true."
"No its not! How would she even find his mouth? His forehead's so shiny she'd be blinded before she got there...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Miss J, as a religious individual, I don't think science is relevant to my life."
"Well that's very interesting, Bryan. Good luck with that."
30 seconds later. Bryan, quiet smart ass, raises his hand.
"I'm sorry.... do you need help with your science? From your science teacher?"
"Yes."
"Well, I don't think I'm quite the person you want to talk to. Don't think I'm qualified. You know who you should talk to?"
"Who?"
I grin.
"God."
I pause for effect. Glorious, glorious effect. Fold my hands angelically, look toward the heavens, blissful smile on my face.
"Pray on it, Bryan. Pray on it. Maybe divine intervention will give you the answer. Maybe a miracle will happen. Pray on it. See how that works for you."
I walk away. Grinning to myself. In my wake, the table of divas plus one sheepish Bryan erupts.
"AWWWWW Daaaaaaaamn, she got YOU! BUUUUURN! You just can't GET her!"
My grin widens.
30 seconds later.
"For real, Miss J, help?"
"Seriously? After all that?"
"Seriously."
Another raised eyebrow.
"We good? You gonna work now and stop givin' me crap?"
"We're good. Sorry about that."
"Mm-hmm. What's the problem?"
"Yes, that's totally true."
"No its not! How would she even find his mouth? His forehead's so shiny she'd be blinded before she got there...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Miss J, as a religious individual, I don't think science is relevant to my life."
"Well that's very interesting, Bryan. Good luck with that."
30 seconds later. Bryan, quiet smart ass, raises his hand.
"I'm sorry.... do you need help with your science? From your science teacher?"
"Yes."
"Well, I don't think I'm quite the person you want to talk to. Don't think I'm qualified. You know who you should talk to?"
"Who?"
I grin.
"God."
I pause for effect. Glorious, glorious effect. Fold my hands angelically, look toward the heavens, blissful smile on my face.
"Pray on it, Bryan. Pray on it. Maybe divine intervention will give you the answer. Maybe a miracle will happen. Pray on it. See how that works for you."
I walk away. Grinning to myself. In my wake, the table of divas plus one sheepish Bryan erupts.
"AWWWWW Daaaaaaaamn, she got YOU! BUUUUURN! You just can't GET her!"
My grin widens.
30 seconds later.
"For real, Miss J, help?"
"Seriously? After all that?"
"Seriously."
Another raised eyebrow.
"We good? You gonna work now and stop givin' me crap?"
"We're good. Sorry about that."
"Mm-hmm. What's the problem?"
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Temperature Rising
After school, I'm in my room grading papers. Kids in various sports stream in and out so I can sign slips saying they aren't failing my class.
William walks in.
"Daaaaaamn, Miss J. Why's it so hot in here?"
I don't even look up from my papers. Before I can think, I hear my voice, matter-of-factly say:
"Clearly.... because I'm in here."
A pause, and a trickle of laughter erupts from William's lips. Two seconds later, Edgar walks in.
"Why's it so hot in here?"
Again, I cannot resist. The monotonic drone repeats.
"Obviously.... because I'm in here."
I look at William, and before Edgar can even react, we both explode with laughter.
Edgar laughs and shakes his head. Both boys leave, I go back to my papers, little smirk on my face, hoping another kid will come in and ask the same stupid question.
This is just never going to get old.
William walks in.
"Daaaaaamn, Miss J. Why's it so hot in here?"
I don't even look up from my papers. Before I can think, I hear my voice, matter-of-factly say:
"Clearly.... because I'm in here."
A pause, and a trickle of laughter erupts from William's lips. Two seconds later, Edgar walks in.
"Why's it so hot in here?"
Again, I cannot resist. The monotonic drone repeats.
"Obviously.... because I'm in here."
I look at William, and before Edgar can even react, we both explode with laughter.
Edgar laughs and shakes his head. Both boys leave, I go back to my papers, little smirk on my face, hoping another kid will come in and ask the same stupid question.
This is just never going to get old.
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