Your Mom Knows All the Answers

Bryan: What's the answer for "Who took pictures of DNA using x-ray crystallography?"
Me: Y--
Bryan: Because I don't know--
Me: No, I'm spelling it for you.

Bryan: Oh.

Me: Y-O-U-R-M-O

Bryan: Uh-huh, uh-huh

Me: M.

Bryan: Thanks....(sounding it out) ....your mom. Wait! HEY! That is so messed up.

Moments later....

Andrew: Hey, Miss J, how do you spell the picture of the chromosomes all lined up?

Me: Bryan, you want to take this one?

Bryan: Sure. You spell it Y.....O-U-R......M.....

Andrew: Thanks. Wait! Hey! MY MOM!? SERIOUSLY?! BRYAN!!!

Me: (to Bryan) See how much fun that is?
Bryan: Totally.

Hating me on an Atomic Level

Donnie: Call me Au, Miss J, cuz I'm GOLDEN.

Me: Yeah, no.

Donnie: But it's my birthday.

Me: Still no.

Donnie: I hate atoms.

Me: We just started studying them! You don't know 'em enough to hate them. That'd be like me saying I hate you when you first walked in. On top of that... that means you hate yourself. Do you have low self esteem?

Donnie: What?! No!

Me: Well, sorry. If you hate atoms, you hate yourself. What did you think you were made of? And all that food you love? Atoms. That oxygen and nitrogen you're breathing in....

Donnie: (stares at me)

Me: Hating me a little bit now?

Ag

Part I

Me: (whispering) Josh, dude. Finish your test.

Josh: But....
Me: Seriously!

Josh sits there.

I draw a frowny face on his arm.

Josh: Are you allowed to do that?
Me: Yes. And I'm going to draw a unibrow on you next.
Josh: Fine...fine....

30 minutes later.

Josh is done with his test, and is rocking a logic puzzle with his partner.

Me: Here you go. (reaches out arm) Retaliate.

Josh: I can write on you?!

Me: Yep.

Josh: Does this have to be school appropriate or Miss J appropriate?

Me: (There's a difference?) Miss J at school appropriate.

Josh: DON'T LOOK!

My arm: I think Silver is sexy.

Me: Ohh, you're right. My bracelet is awesome. See, it says dream, explore...

Josh: That's SO NOT WHAT I MEANT. God, you kill everything.

Part II:

Maria: Miss J. There is an element missing on the periodic table.

Me: What?

Maria: Right next to Silver, it should say Jerlinium.

Hilarious.

We got a drooler!

Today, as we are taking our benchmark tests for the district, one of my students falls asleep and proceeds to drool all over his test booklet. I wake him up. Moments later, he sees the drool and starts rubbing at it in attempt to get rid of it before anyone else sees. Now, there's scrubby little pieces of paper rolled up all over his black sweatshirt. And a giant hole in the page of his math workbook.

"Javier, what were you doing? What happened here?"
"I erased through it."
"Is that why I see no little pink eraser pieces but paper all over your sleeve?"
"Err...."

Right.

Radius to Telekinesis

Today, some of my high schoolers came back to visit me. Baryon, Mr. Mustaccio himself, cracked me up. I didn't realize how much I missed the kid until he was whipping out one-liners left and right.

At one point, he was arguing with Eduardo over whether or not he had telekinesis.

Bayron: (deadpan) I have telekinesis.
Eduardo: What?!
Bayron: I can move things with my mind.
Eduardo: Yeah? Like what?
Baryon: My arms.

Touche.

A Whole New World

Johnny: I can play Aladdin on the piano (starts mimicking it).
Donnie, Adonis, Andrew, Adrian, Bryan, Johnny, Me: I can show you the wooooooorld!
Me: I can't believe you guys know this song.
Johnny: Aladdin rocks, Miss J.
Me: I know this. And I'm glad you do too.
Andrew: Miss J, have you ever been rickrolled?
Me: Hello, Sir Nonsequitor. And yes.
Andrew: Can you believe he's a white guy?!
Me: No! I also can't believe you're getting an A in my class when you never do anything.
Andrew: Crazy, huh?
Johnny: It's cuz its a whole new world.
Me: Touche

Green, but not with Envy

Josh: Miss J, with that green sweater you look like the green M & M.
Sebastian: Isn't that the slutty M & M?
Jacky: Did you just call Miss J a slutty M & M?
Me: Why are we having this conversation?
Jacky: Miss J's not slutty. Or that round. Well at least her...
Me: Stop.
Class laughs.
Me: You guys are all jerks.
Jacky: You love us.
Me: True. Crap.

Black Days

Donnie: Miss J, you ever have a real black day?
Me: You mean, a day in which I sit in the couch wearin' earrings with my name written in them?
Donnie: (mouth drops open) That's so not what I meant. I meant...wow. I can't believe you know about that.

Sure. It's 867-5309....

Sebastian: So, Miss J. My mom can't come to conferences.
Me: Okay...you're not failing my class. I don't need to see her unless she really wants to come in.
Sebastian: Yeah. She wants to come in. Err...but she can't. So, she wanted to call you over break. So.... (impishly grins) can I get your number?
Me: Your mother may call the school anytime she wishes to speak to me.
Sebastian: But--
Me: Stop. My car is older than you.
Boys at the table: BUUUUURN!
Sebastian: Can't blame a boy for trying.
Irving: Sebastian, you are so inappropriate.
Me: Seriously.

More Misconceptions: AIDS

After school...

Student A: Miss J. I talked to Mrs. D about this, and I don't believe her. You're a science teacher, so you'll know.
Me: Oh god. Now what?
Student A: When gay people have, you know, sex, they create AIDS right? Like, even though they're both clean, they create it.
Me: (blinking)....You're just messing with me right now, right? You're trying to make my brain shoot through my nose?
Student A: No, really. (Student looks dead serious)
Me: Sweetheart, can I give you knowledge I don't have? Can I teach you something I don't know?
Student A: Uh, no.
Me: Can I give you a present I haven't purchased yet?
Student A: No.
Me: Can I give you a cold I don't have?
Student A: No.
Me: So, how in the world do you think that gay people create AIDS?
Student A: Well, that's what I was taught. Like, it showed up in the gay population first, right? Straight people can't get it.
Me: Anybody who has sex or shares needles or presses bleeding wounds together can get it.
Student A: Right but, it started with the gays.
Me: AIDS didn't originate from gay people. It's a mutated strain of a virus that came from monkeys in Africa.
Student A: OH MY GOD. I HATE MONKEYS. Monkeys are way worse than gay people.
Me: Aaaand, this conversation is done.
Student A: So, then why do almost all gay people have it?
Me: Why are we still talking about this? A, they do not and B....(sigh) Okay, I'm going to put this as professionally as I can. If you are gay and you engage in that activity, what do you NOT have to worry about?
Student A: .....
Me: Can you have a kid?
Student A: OH! No. OH! OH!
Me: What are they not doing?
Student A: USING PROTECTION! OH! They're not using protection because they can't get pregnant, so it shows up more in the population because they're not being careful. OH MY GOD THAT MAKES SENSE.
Me: Go home.
Student A: But...
Me: Seriously. I should have said it 5 minutes ago. Go home.

Now, I'm just worried tomorrow's question will be:

"Miss J, did the gays have sex with monkeys?"

Kim Jong-il vs. Chalupa

Andrew: Gerome, you should be that crazy Korean guy for Halloween.
Gerome: Who?
Me: Kim Jong-il? The dictator of North Korea?
Andrew: Yeah!
Me:....Why?...Please tell me its not just because Gerome is Asian.
Andrew: What?! I thought you were from the Philippines.
(Gerome and I exchange glances)
Gerome: Yeah. That's in Asia.
Andrew: Oh. Well, yeah. That guy because Gerome's Asian.
Me: Mmkay. Well, by that logic, I think you should be a chalupa.
Andrew: What?
Me: Because you're Mexican.
Andrew: Can I at least be a bean and cheese burrito?

Can you do the Jerk?

"If one more kid tells me that he's an expert at jerking, I'm going to lose it"
-- Great quote today by Greg.

Donnie's Enormous Ego Part 1

Donnie: Miss J, when you go home, or talk to Silver, you must talk about your favorite student, you know, how amazing he is, how he always brightens up your day, how he has such a great attitude, how he's a little slice of heaven....
Me: Yes, you're right, I tell Silver about Bryan.
Bryan: Yeaaaah! That's right.
Donnie: I don't understand why you're always hating on me. I'm amazing. All of my teachers have always talked about me. We were always like best friends. Can I be your best friend?
Me: Nope. I already have a best friend.
Donnie: Don't you think I'm great, though? I mean, come on. Name a flaw.
Half the class: YOUR GIANT EGO?

No kidding.

Grama

The last week, I've had a terrible cold. Today, my voice finally bit it. I spent the day charading at my kids (I'm going to call that a word too), gesturing wildly, making stupid faces, and whispering when I had to. It was half fun, and half awful. But, all of the kids then whispered because I was-- kinda funny.

Hector: Are you going to come tomorrow?
Me: Yep. I'll be here.
Hector: Not if you keep drinking that soda. Soda is bad for you.
Me: Thanks, mom.
Hector: No, no. Don't call me mom. I'm not your mom. Call me.... grama.
Me: Oh yes. That's perfect. I am calling you Grama from now on.
Hector: Oh no. What did I just do?

Heh heh heh. Indeed.

Cracker

Donnie: Miss J, you have a cracker?
Me: ....Did you just call me a cracker?
Donnie: God....No! I would never--
Me: Seriously. White people know what that means.
Donnie: No, like a Ritz. Do you have some Ritz?
Me: Nope. Got some Cheerios though.
Adonis: ...For WHAT?
Me: I train tiny dogs to jump through them. Or you know. I eat them. Whatever.
Adrian: You eat tiny dogs? Sick.

Oh, how we get off topic sometimes.