I'm Not Dead

I'm not dead. Just... awful damn close. It's unbearably hot here. People kept saying "it's a dry heat! It's a dryyyy heat!" It'll be nothing like the Midwest, whose humidity hugs you like a soggy blanket all day. Yeah. It's nothing like the Midwest, allright. But that bit about the "dry heat" making things tolerable? Ha! Those bastards. They had me fooled. Don't let them fool you too.

You know how when you reach into the oven to take out a pizza, and if you get too close, your vision is suddenly impeded by a layer of condensed moisture on your lenses? Same thing when I get into my car at 7 o'clock at night, after spending 12 hours at school. Because, it's still 100 degrees at 7 o'clock at night. Not a nice balmy 80 like I'm used to. Get in the car, and it's fog up to high heaven, and I can't see a damn thing. So, naturally, I reach for the steering wheel and burn sear marks into my fingers. If you were to see me diving home from school, you would see my hands covered in white napkins, to stop the searing effect. No joke. I look like an idiotic clown, but I don't care. I have happy fingers.

I also have 28 kids. 26 are Hispanic. 2 of the 28 speak no English. 6 others speak a very small amount. The rest are, for the most part, bilingual powerhouses with mouths like motors that could cut topiary faster than Eddie Scizzorhands if only their teeth were blades.

I teach 7 classes a day. Spelling, reading, writing, english, math, social studies and science. I dance around the girls to embarrass them into submission. I tell they boys they are too short to be thugs (and thus will get no street cred, or proper... props...), thus they will sadly have to take up another career path, and become something lame like doctors or lawyers. I give them lots of homework. I give them lots of prizes. I give them lots of teacher looks.

I want them to get one ass-kicking education, but right now, all they covet is my bright blue elephant pencil sharpener.

At Last, At Last, Employed At Last!

I have what all recent college grads covet... a job!

This morning, after an hour long interview with two astonishingly friendly principals, I found myself promptly hired. I couldn't believe it. Granted, after every answer I gave they acted like my very own personal cheerleaders, so, I knew I was in good shape... but still. I never expected someone to hire me so quickly-- they didn't even check my references!

Later, the human resources person called me, and I found out why they hired me quick as lightning-- school starts on MONDAY. As in a couple days from now. When they found out I couldn't be there until the 21st they were nonplussed. Apparently, there will be two other teachers who won't be able to get there right away either! Holy bacon on a stick.

I'll type more later. For now, I've got to get this crazy wiggly dance energy out of my system! Anyone want to dance with me??