One of Life's Great Mysteries... SOLVED!

Can somebody explain to me why 8^th grade boys are gargantuan human beings… but high school freshmen are, well... tiny? One year, they’re lumbering sharks, the next they’re slippery little minnows. How does that happen?

It’s like Puberty’s on some time-is-money kick and is trying to get the job done as quickly as possible. Then, smack dab in the middle of the whole messy ordeal, it just stops. Puberty looks down at the poor kid.

The rubber soles of his gym shoes have almost completely separated from the rest of the shoe. Pants are baggy, hair’s too long. Probably to cover up what looks like Olympus Mons in the middle of his forehead. In fact, all the boys are stooping like a bunch of Quasimodos, and none of them look even the slightest bit happy.

Puberty feels rather sheepish.

“Heh. You know, I think I took that a little too quickly. Your voice is cracking all over the place, and your feet are popping right out of your shoes. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you. I can tell you’re uncomfortable, so I’m gonna do this recoil thing and bring you back to where you were circa 5 years ago. You seemed pretty happy back then! But, hey, no hard feelings—I’ll leave you with the acne and the body odor. Think of it as a consolation gift. Okay?”

Gee, thanks Puberty. Now Cute-Girl-with-the-Blossoming-Breasts will definitely go out with me. So, the boys rewind and have to start all over again.

This is why, I surmise, it takes boys ages longer than girls to mature—they’ve got to go through the whole blasted process twice. Midlife crisis, nothin’. They’re just finally getting there. Girls on the other hand, keep riding the train straight on through until they’re in their 50s and feeling hot flashes. There’s no such thing as reverse in the girl universe.

This, of course, solves another one of life’s great mysteries. Why is it that I have such a terrible time driving backwards, but my favorite boy can do so with a disgusting amount of finesse? It’s the puberty recoil, folks. I’d bet my weight in minnows on it.