Wonderful Things #1

Wonderful things about living in Arizona:

1. You get to live in 100+ degree heat. Today, I was lucky. Today, I experienced 106 degree weather. I say "weather" because its the only thing that changes from day to day. Tomorrow, its likely to be 108. Then later, 110. Sunny. No clouds. No humidity. Just varying degrees of eyeball- scorching heat. What's sad is that I can tell when its above 110. Then, its truly miserable.

Thermometers here should read:
Warm.
Warmer.
Surprisingly, yet Comfortably, Hot.
Eyebrow-Raising Hot.
Can't Walk on Concrete without Burning your Feet Hot.
Don't Bother Driving-- your Car is an Oven, Hot.
Don't Bother Leaving your Apartment at all Hot.
Eyebrow-Burning Hot.
Tears Evaporate Hot.
Magma Evaporates Hot.
Depths of Hell Hot.

At least they have named places down here accordingly.
Tempe. That's an easy one. Tempe is just a shortened form for TEMPERATURE. As in, you'll feel like you've got one as soon as you enter the city. No, sir. That's not a bbq. That's your own skin you smell burning. And I'll bet you taste just like chicken... or maybe not a chicken... maybe a.....

Phoenix. What is a phoenix, you ask? Why, its a bird rising from the ashes after it had BURST INTO FLAME. Mmm. Delicous.

Peoria. Now, here's a toughie. Luckily, I've got insider eyes. Originally, settlers came from Peoria, IL and settled in the NW Phoenix area. Like those settlers, I too migrated from Peoria. So, I can guess as to their motivations-- Peoria, IL is a hellhole. Those poor bastards trekked 1,700 miles and, I'm guessing, stopped when they were struck by beauty. Both Peorias are pretty-- no argument there.
However pretty, both have their own distinct dangers. In IL? A symphony of sirens and gunshots. Here you've got the scorching sun, stabbing cacti instead of trees, post-apocalyptic rubble instead of grass, snipers and car thieves a plenty.

Famous last words? "But, it is a DRY heat, honey!"



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