Affection by way of Torment

Here's what I know: in order to manage teens, most of the time you've got to get them to laugh. So, if a kid is starting to really drive me bonkers, I am forced to get creative. 

In the middle of class one day, I was helping a student in the back of the room. From the far front corner, this hilarious student starts calling me. Miss J, Miss J! Hold on, Evan, I tell him. I'm with another kid. I'll be right there. He calls again. MISS J! So, of course, I hold my index finger up at him as if to say ONE MINUTE!

A second later he screams. My first name.

You have got to be kidding me.

The class went silent, all staring at me for a reaction. I slowly ninja-walked over to the side of the room and grabbed a bagged mink we'd dissected earlier in the year. Evan, as it turns out, is totally grossed out by the mink. I started walking toward him. "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

Evan's eyes got huge. "AWW GAWD NO!!! NOT THE MINK!" I accelerated, moving toward him faster and faster. Evan ran into the corner, mink still feet away.

"I'M SORRY! I WENT TOO FAR!! I WENT TOO FAR!!! AW GAWD! I'M SORRY! NEVER AGAIN!" Evan's body pressed against the corner of the room, hands held up defensively.

I nodded, and dropped the mink (still bagged) at his table. "I forgive you."

This is how I deal with kids. I chase them with a foam axe I got from Target for a dollar during breaks. If they're naughty, I might threaten them that they'll have to sit by the mink pile if they keep talking. (And if they're Evan, they'll probably end up there). I make a lot of over the top, ridiculous faces. This is nothing new. I've been acting like a child my whole life. The thing is-- most of the time it works, and the better you know your kids, the more likely you'll be able to come up with something that'll stop the behavior that's driving you nuts.


One kid, who I call Marvin the Martian (during the first week of school, he kept making noises like he was getting some sort of transmission from outer space), is a great singer. The problem? He. Never. Stops. It's so bad that after that last class leaves, whatever he was singing gets stuck in my head for hours. So, I have to reroute him.

Marvin: (Singing while doing warm up.)
Me: Marvin, you've got blue marker on your forehead. (I gesture to my eyebrow)
Marvin: What?? (starts rubbing eyebrow)
Me: No, up more. A little to the left. Oops! Went too far. Down a little.... theeeere you go.

Now Marvin is furiously rubbing at his face. But he is utterly, completely, silent. None of the other kids, by the way, are paying me any attention. That is, until I suddenly burst into childlike laughter, and start hopping up and down because my prank worked.

It dawns on Marvin that I was screwing with him the whole time, and he grins and shakes his head. Every time I do something like this to him, he just says in a professorial voice, "You're something else, Miss J. You're reallllly something else."

Indeed.


I know the only thing I should care about is test scores and achievement, but more often than not, its when I'm being a prankster that I get them on my team. These are some of the moments I'm going to miss.