Texts of Happiness

The universe wants me to keep teaching.

In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.


Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.

And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"

These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.

Shut it.

You know what I hate about teaching?

When people say things like:
A. "Oh, that must be so nice to have the summers off."
B. "You never have to work on weekends!"
C. "You still get spring break and every holiday off...that's why you must love teaching."

To all of those people, I would like to say: Shut it.

We don't work from 8-3, 5 days a week, and then call it a night. We don't just show up, give the kids a book, babysit all day, and then leave with no responsibilities. This is a job that is never finished. It can consume every moment of your day and night if you let it.

On average, I work at least a 70 hour work week. At school no later than 7am, and during my first three years never leaving before 5:30....and then I'd go home and work until 10:30 at night, eating some crappy microwave meal by my computer.

Endless meetings.
Professional development.
Tutoring. Grading papers. Calling parents.
Aligning and organizing curriculum for ENDLESS HOURS.
Creating a website.
Keeping up with the news to integrate current events into the curriculum.
Reading books and articles so I can keep current with science and technology.
Entering grades.
Coming up with positive classroom incentives.
Decorating the classroom and updating student work on bulletin boards.
Writing pages and pages of lesson plans that include every major question I plan on asking, and everything broken down into sub-objectives.
Creating quizzes & PowerPoints.
Re-writing articles so the kids can read them at their level, writing stories, poems and plays.
Going to the store to get materials for labs.
Scouring the internet for good videos, animations, articles, labs and activities.
Collaborating with other teachers.
Running clubs, food & school supply donations.
Supporting student events like basketball games.
Planning a school-wide science fair, and a district wide science day.

This profession has an astoundingly high rate of burn out and you think we just take it EASY? If we don't have those breaks, we would crash and burn. We would be useless.

I know a lot of teachers who not only teach, but also have a second job. I know teachers that teach during the year, and then get a summer job.

What will I be doing with my summer?
1. Working on a Master's degree in curriculum & instruction
2. Working on next year's science curriculum and learning new science
3. Working with teachers to form a new discipline plan for the middle school
4. Mentoring and welcoming new teachers
5. Working on online professional development through NSTA.

I am not sitting on my butt for three months, lounging in the sun and doing nothing.
And I deeply, deeply resent anyone who thinks what I do is easy.

You know what, there are perks. We have decent health care. If you stay long enough, you get a good pension. If you do it right, you get a lot of love, admiration and respect. And on the surface, yes, it looks like we have a lot of time off. But what it really amounts to is just enough time to repair our own sanity so we can continue going at breakneck speeds.

For what amounts to about $25,000 a year after taxes.

You think you can do what I do? While having no breaks? I would love to see you try.

Young Republican Take III

An earlier entry I forgot to add:

Today, after the completely misunderstood and terror-inducing AZ law SBwhatever was passed, the Young Republican apparently ran around in the hallways demanding that everyone show him their papers.

"Where are your papers?! HAHA GO BACK TO MEXICO!"

I condemn violence as a method to solve problems....yet I wonder....
How has this kid not gotten his ass kicked?

Promotion

When the principal said my name, a roar emanated from the crowd. Jasmine whooped, a few kids pumped their fists. I grinned like a maniac. After all the hell I'd put them through....they cheered for me. I stood, waved, blew them all a kiss, and sat down content. They got it. No, not the science. I didn't care about that.

It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.

In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.

They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.

P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.

Yearbook Party

Today the PTA had an ice cream & yearbook signing party for the kids in the cafeteria. I had a notebook they could all leave me notes in, and had a long, ridiculous line of kids waiting for me to write them notes. Most of them were super sweet, telling me I had a really long line, and that I was popular (that's nice....first time in my life I've been popular with 8th graders....) But some of these kids....

Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.

Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.

It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....

The Truth About Mr. B's Toes

B's Electron: Why are you wearing those? (Points to his shoes with disdain)
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)



It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....

This Year's Adoptees

I love my kids. They are the best. Some of them need a little more mothering than others, so I have this habit of pretend-adopting them, and calling some of them my children. Naturally, this allows me to pretend ground them, tell them I'm 'turning this car around,' say obnoxious things like "under my roof...." Of course, they also get to follow suit and say things like "Moooooom, she's LOOKING at me!"

What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.

Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.

I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")

Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.

Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)

After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....

And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.

Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?

How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....

Air Gerome

We finished shooting off our rockets today, and the kids decided they needed to do acrobatics.

The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!

I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.

1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me

So, what did I learn?

I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....

This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:

"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"

They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)

Not Piggybacking....

Today, we were out on the field, playing a softball tournament that our awesome gym teacher set up. One of my kids, Jerry, was quite proud of one of his particularly impressive catches. Jerry, let me mention, is NOT an ELL kid and is in my gifted class. He is often hilarious. Today, he had no idea that he made my day....

Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?

Again. We're both going to get fired.

More Quips from B

At recess, one of B's electrons is hovering around him, being a minor nuisance. She folds his orange safety vest over his face, masking his scrubby facial hair (that he claims is a "product of many years of successful breeding.")

B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.

Today's example:

Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.

Iiiiiiits Soquid!

Yesterday, we looked at cool stuff that glows under a black light (like petroleum jelly, highlighter-water, paper, white shirts, and more) and made cornstarch + water goo. The topic at hand: reviewing physical and chemical properties of various mystery substances. The kids had a total blast making a mess out of everything. (I won't lie... I did too)

Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.

Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"

The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.

5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!

Damn. Kids know my secret.

Just a Beaver

Day 1 of AIMS testing done, and by brain's already fried.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....

Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."

Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.

It would be totally worth it.

Gorilla Snot

Lately, one of my students has been carrying around this hair styling product called something like "Gorilla Snot." He likes to take it out of his bag and sniff it. And add more to his hair. It hasn't bothered me as it hasn't bothered anyone else in class.

At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....

Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.

I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.

Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.

I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....

Stupid Learn to Be Commercial

This has nothing to do with my teaching, but it irritates me anyway.

I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.

In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.

The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....

IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....

Just shows her the stupid formula.

Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:

Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!

*insert cheesy smiles here*

BAM. Done.

They need to hire me.

How to Teach 8th Graders 101

"You know, if you put a science fact on your ass each day... the kids would learn 180 facts per year...."
--Fellow teacher

A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.