An earlier entry I forgot to add:
Today, after the completely misunderstood and terror-inducing AZ law SBwhatever was passed, the Young Republican apparently ran around in the hallways demanding that everyone show him their papers.
"Where are your papers?! HAHA GO BACK TO MEXICO!"
I condemn violence as a method to solve problems....yet I wonder....
How has this kid not gotten his ass kicked?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Promotion
When the principal said my name, a roar emanated from the crowd. Jasmine whooped, a few kids pumped their fists. I grinned like a maniac. After all the hell I'd put them through....they cheered for me. I stood, waved, blew them all a kiss, and sat down content. They got it. No, not the science. I didn't care about that.
It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.
In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.
They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.
P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.
It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.
In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.
They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.
P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Yearbook Party
Today the PTA had an ice cream & yearbook signing party for the kids in the cafeteria. I had a notebook they could all leave me notes in, and had a long, ridiculous line of kids waiting for me to write them notes. Most of them were super sweet, telling me I had a really long line, and that I was popular (that's nice....first time in my life I've been popular with 8th graders....) But some of these kids....
Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.
Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.
It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....
Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.
Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.
It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....
The Truth About Mr. B's Toes
B's Electron: Why are you wearing those? (Points to his shoes with disdain)
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)
It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)
It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
This Year's Adoptees
I love my kids. They are the best. Some of them need a little more mothering than others, so I have this habit of pretend-adopting them, and calling some of them my children. Naturally, this allows me to pretend ground them, tell them I'm 'turning this car around,' say obnoxious things like "under my roof...." Of course, they also get to follow suit and say things like "Moooooom, she's LOOKING at me!"
What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.
Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.
I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")
Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.
Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)
After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....
And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.
Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?
How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....
What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.
Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.
I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")
Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.
Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)
After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....
And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.
Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?
How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....
Air Gerome
We finished shooting off our rockets today, and the kids decided they needed to do acrobatics.
The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!
I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.
1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me
So, what did I learn?
I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....
This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:
"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"
They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)
The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!
I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.
1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me
So, what did I learn?
I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....
This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:
"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"
They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)
Not Piggybacking....
Today, we were out on the field, playing a softball tournament that our awesome gym teacher set up. One of my kids, Jerry, was quite proud of one of his particularly impressive catches. Jerry, let me mention, is NOT an ELL kid and is in my gifted class. He is often hilarious. Today, he had no idea that he made my day....
Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?
Again. We're both going to get fired.
Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?
Again. We're both going to get fired.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
More Quips from B
At recess, one of B's electrons is hovering around him, being a minor nuisance. She folds his orange safety vest over his face, masking his scrubby facial hair (that he claims is a "product of many years of successful breeding.")
B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.
Today's example:
Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.
B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.
Today's example:
Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Iiiiiiits Soquid!
Yesterday, we looked at cool stuff that glows under a black light (like petroleum jelly, highlighter-water, paper, white shirts, and more) and made cornstarch + water goo. The topic at hand: reviewing physical and chemical properties of various mystery substances. The kids had a total blast making a mess out of everything. (I won't lie... I did too)
Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.
Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"
The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.
5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!
Damn. Kids know my secret.
Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.
Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"
The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.
5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!
Damn. Kids know my secret.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Just a Beaver
Day 1 of AIMS testing done, and by brain's already fried.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....
Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."
Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.
It would be totally worth it.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....
Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."
Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.
It would be totally worth it.
Gorilla Snot
Lately, one of my students has been carrying around this hair styling product called something like "Gorilla Snot." He likes to take it out of his bag and sniff it. And add more to his hair. It hasn't bothered me as it hasn't bothered anyone else in class.
At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....
Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.
I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.
Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.
I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....
At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....
Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.
I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.
Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.
I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....
Monday, March 29, 2010
Stupid Learn to Be Commercial
This has nothing to do with my teaching, but it irritates me anyway.
I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.
In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.
The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....
IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....
Just shows her the stupid formula.
Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:
Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!
*insert cheesy smiles here*
BAM. Done.
They need to hire me.
I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.
In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.
The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....
IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....
Just shows her the stupid formula.
Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:
Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!
*insert cheesy smiles here*
BAM. Done.
They need to hire me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
How to Teach 8th Graders 101
"You know, if you put a science fact on your ass each day... the kids would learn 180 facts per year...."
--Fellow teacher
A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.
--Fellow teacher
A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.
Wish Granted!
Today, a few of my former students came back to visit. Eduardo aka Giggles, Carlos and Jidalgo.
Me: How's life?
Jidalgo: Good, but I'm failing honors biology.
Me: WHAT?!
Jidalgo: I'm not doing any of my homework. It's all book work, so it gets boring. I pass all the tests though....
Me: Yeah, classes like that kinda suck.
Jidalgo: I learned way more from you.....(I do kind of a sad, victory dance in my head, he looks around at walls) Wait....did your kids learn all about mitosis? And replication and transcription and translation?!
Me: Yeah. Some of you texted me and said it was really hard, so I'm getting them started now.
Eduardo: Luckyyyyyyy!
Me: Yeah, tell THEM that.
Jidalgo: They'll thank you later.
Ahhh! That makes it all worth it. :)
Me: How's life?
Jidalgo: Good, but I'm failing honors biology.
Me: WHAT?!
Jidalgo: I'm not doing any of my homework. It's all book work, so it gets boring. I pass all the tests though....
Me: Yeah, classes like that kinda suck.
Jidalgo: I learned way more from you.....(I do kind of a sad, victory dance in my head, he looks around at walls) Wait....did your kids learn all about mitosis? And replication and transcription and translation?!
Me: Yeah. Some of you texted me and said it was really hard, so I'm getting them started now.
Eduardo: Luckyyyyyyy!
Me: Yeah, tell THEM that.
Jidalgo: They'll thank you later.
Ahhh! That makes it all worth it. :)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hooray for spring break!
It is spring break. And I am feeling good. After just a night's sleep (and the knowledge that I don't have to see children for a few days), I felt invigorated. It must have showed because today....
I was honked at and cat-called.
The guy at the shoe store kept commenting on my body and how he could tell I didn't have kid and exercised a lot.
A woman at the cosmetics counter told me they had a new foundation...and then cocked her head and said "But I wouldn't use it if I were you. You have perfect skin. You don't need it."
Hooray for spring break!
Now, if someone would just tell me I'm a good teacher....
I was honked at and cat-called.
The guy at the shoe store kept commenting on my body and how he could tell I didn't have kid and exercised a lot.
A woman at the cosmetics counter told me they had a new foundation...and then cocked her head and said "But I wouldn't use it if I were you. You have perfect skin. You don't need it."
Hooray for spring break!
Now, if someone would just tell me I'm a good teacher....
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