You're like... a 50!

The following is a conversation I had with my class today. I hadn’t planned on sharing this with them, but… well, we’re close. My comments are in bold. Enjoy.

Miss J are you texting again?
Nope, but I just got one.
From your best friend again?
Nope.
From who? Why are you smiling?
No reason.
Yeah right. You’ve been smiling all week.
Okay, okay. You want to know?
Yeah!
Really?
Yeah!
Are you totally sure? Cuz it might kind of gross you out.
Come on!
No seriously, you guys get weirded out if you see me in the grocery store.
Tell us!
Fine. Sigh. I went on a date.
*gasp!*
What?! Lucky guy! Was it Edgar?
No!
If Edgar was older would you date him? [Class cracks up]
No!
Would you date a 16 year old?
And again… NO. That’s just gross. Not to mention illegal. And also gross.
How old does a person have to be for you to date them?
Uhh… at least 23. No older than 30.
Hey! If you add me and Lorenzo, that makes 24! I can just sit on his shoulders and wear a long jacket!
Nice problem solving, guys.
How old is he?
26.
Oh, he’s older than you. But not too old. That’s good.
Yes, it is.
Is he cuter than your old boyfriend? On a scale of 1-10 what would you rate him?
You’re like, a 50, Miss J!
Did you upgrade, Miss J?
Guys… good lord. Don’t get carried away. It was one date.
Yeah, but you’ve been grinning all week.
So?
So it must be good.
How’d you meet?
He’s a friend of a friend.
Oh! Your friend gave you the hook up? Nice! You should thank her.
Is he Mexican? Is he Japanese? Is he a Pacific Islander?
No, you morons, he’s AMERICAN.
Did your dad get ever get mad when you brought home boys?
Well, if it was a boy that was my friend, he’d steal them, show them all his guns in the basement, and take them shooting. Then I’d be lonely. If it was a guy I wanted to date, dad would bring the gun upstairs and clean it. [Swipe, swipe. Dangerous expression…] When will you be bringing my daughter home?
Miss J! You should bring him in to show and tell.
That’s a terrible idea. In the beginning of the year, Panerio wanted to punch out my last boyfriend and “take me as his own” if I recall correctly.
Don’t worry, Miss J, I won’t bring my shotgun
Thanks, Meza. That’s kind of you.
Miss J, did he do the cheesy stretch thing? You know like yawwwwn! Streeeeetch!
No, no he’s not that cheesy.
Yeah, he’s probably really smart, huh? You wouldn’t go out with a dumb boy. What did you talk about?
Told stories. Talked about people hallucinating in the Amazon rainforest. You know. Science. History. Life.
You talked about SCHOOL STUFF?
Guys, I hate to tell you this, but intelligent people need more to talk about than themselves and other people. You gotta know what’s going on in the world so you have something interesting to say. I don’t always want to be the teacher, you know? Sometimes I want someone to tell me something I don’t know. Sometimes I want someone who has the same information already so we can share.
Nerd!
Yeah, yeah. Like you didn’t already know this about me.
If a girl started talking about history, I’d be like, see ya!
That’s because you’re 12.
Are his hands sweaty? Does he have a mustache? Are his armpits hairy? Do you want to kiss him? DID you kiss him? Is he strong? Is he stronger than Gerome? Gerome’s got like, little rocks in his arms! Could he take out Gerome?
Oh, I don’t know. I think Gerome might have a good shot at kicking his butt. [Gerome, tiny and adorable, grins]
Does he have a tattoo?
I don’t know if he has a tattoo or not, seeing as how all of his clothing remained ON in the movie theatre.
[Class cracks up]
I bet he has a little star tattooed right on his butt.
I bet you’re right. Lorenzo. I’ll ask him.
Would you stop dating him if he had Winnie the Pooh tattooed on his butt?
Is he rich?
Who cares?
Did he use breath freshener?
I have no idea. But I did.
Yeah right, you did not!
I did! [whips it out of my bag] You don’t want to sit be that close to someone and insult their senses.
Woooo! Go Miss J.
Is he really loud?
Naw, of the two of us, he’s the shy one. I’m the flirt.
If he tried anything would you smack him?
Oh totally. Without even thinking.
So…..have you had to smack him?
Ha! You guys are awful.
What does he look like? Does he look like Meza? Can you bring in a picture?
Does he have spiky hair?
Does he have a flat-top with lightning bolts cut in the sides?
Yes.
Really?!
No.
Damn!
Ha! Okay. We done? Can we talk about biodiversity? Or do you have anything else to throw at me?
What if you were at his house at like 1 am and….
Jacob, where is this going?
I better not finish it.
Jacob, you’re a pervert. Miss J is no ho.
Thank you, Adrian. You are correct. I not a ho. So, science. Who wants to know how plants have sex?
Oh! I do, I do!
That’s what I thought. Check this out….


.
Many thanks to Rapunzel the Koala :)

Miss J; History Buff. Edgar: Not Buff at All

Oh yeah!

For the record, I passed the state's history exam. I got a perfect score on my essay (an examination of westward migration and its impact on natives, the land, and its ties to future events like the Dust Bowl), and am pretttttty sure I'm a supa genius. Just a rough estimation though. I might actually be just a genius. There's no way to tell for sure.

So now I am officially qualified to teach k-9 (That's kindergarten through ninth, not dogs. Though I'm sure dealing with German shepherds would be easier to deal with than horny 6th graders. With the dogs? You can take them to the vet's and have their bits snipped out so they stop humping things. Can't do that with kids. What a shame, no?) with specialties in language arts/reading, science AND history.

Who's awesome? Oh yeah. Me.

Who's NOT awesome? That'd be Edgar.
We were taking a test the other day and he was getting a litle squirrely. So I balled up a piece of paper and chucked it at his shoulder. His eyes got really wide, then really narrow. He grabbed the missile, feigned innocence, and flung it where I'd been standing only moments before. But, because he'd failed to look.... he didn't see that I'd moved completely around the corner. He missed me by a mile.

Quietly, I walked to the board and wrote "Edgar has no skills." Then I made two columns. "Times Edgar Got Me, Probably by Accident" and "Times Edgar Missed Completely and I Laughed at Him". I looked at him, and made a giant line under the second category, smirked and raised an eyebrow.

Now, about a third of the class was watching. Edgar flexed his non-existent muscles (pushing the bicep up from the other side) balled up another piece of paper, and with all his might.... FLUNG IT! It missed me by about 6 yards. Silently again, I pointed, pretended to laugh so hard I'd fall off my stool, and marked another tally in the column. No skills, no skills! I pointed to my own arm to mock his. My elderly grandmother's got more power than that! I mouthed.

At the end of the class period, all of my kids had finished their tests. All were watching silently, Edgar was throwing different pitches and I was red from holding back laughter.

Final score? Hits 7. Misses? 32. The bell rang. I circled the words "Edgar has no skills."
The kids lined up.

"Miss J? Can we do that again? Only can I throw next time?" Devin says.
"Sure, but you know I'm going to ridicule you and make fun of you every time you miss, right."
"Yeah."
"Game's on."

So next time, I'll have to let you know who wins. Miss J, the history buff, Edgar, who's not buff at all, or Devin. Stay tuned!

Things they Want to See

Today, disgust.

Sick little pervert: J, [not even MISS J!] can I see your thong?
[two seconds of RAGE]
Me: Can I see the 18 missing assignments you've racked up this month?
Class: BUUUUURN.
Me: So that's a no then. Get out.


Today, smug elation.

My 6th grade sister: Miss J, you look really happy. And really tired. Were you out partying too late last night?
Me: Partying is for losers.
Sister: Hmm. I know that look on your face. Half the 6th grade's got it.
Me: What do you know? You've got nothin' sistah.
Sister: Uh huh. [scrutinizes my face] You say that, but I think you got yourself a new man.
Me: [eruption of laughter]
Sister: Keep laughing. But I know its true. ....He any good?
Me: I do not have a new man.
Sister: Yeah. Not YET. It's...what's the word you used earlier today? Preliminary. That's it. Don't worry though. Your secret's safe with me.
Me: Mmkay, Jessica. Whatever you say.

Immaculate Conception?

Today, my partner teacher was showing my kids the movie Twister. In the very beginning, the husband/father character is devoured by the shape shifting maw of a tornado. To this devastation, David says...

"Oh my GOD! Does that make her mom a VIRGIN?"

The sweetest, smartest girl in class replies, "No, it makes her a widow, you crack head."

Hilarious.

Snippets

"Jacob says he's a camel. What's so special about camels anyway?"
"Uhhh.. well... they can store water. This is a desert.... That might come in handy."
"What is a camel anyway? Some kind of horse?"
"Its a dromedary."
"A what? Does that mean he can be in the acting club?"

"Are you guys rooting for a specific presidential candidate?"
"Yeah! I really like the guy whose name sounds like Yo Mama."

Something About Jesus

Some of my kids from last year stopped by today. Not long after they arrived, the girls started beating up on the boys [out of love of course]. While I sat back and tried to hold in my laughter [I failed] this was the conversation that followed.

"Ewww, Jesus, your hair is all white and flaky."
Eyes glint. A huge mischievous grin erupts.
"Yeah! It has.... SPERM in it."

Silence.

"Sperm?"
"I'm not even going to ask you how that got there!"
"It's Israel's fault!!"
"Israel's sperm is on your head? Now I'm really not going to ask."

"You guys are all bunch of perverts." [me]

Moments later, one randomly opened a textbook.

"Speaking of perverts.... Miss J, why the hell are there penises drawn on the inside covers of your textbooks?"
"You solve that mystery and you'll become one rich lady."
"Yeah, either that or I'll go insane from looking at all of them. Ew."
"I echo those sentiments, girlfriend."

.