You're like... a 50!

The following is a conversation I had with my class today. I hadn’t planned on sharing this with them, but… well, we’re close. My comments are in bold. Enjoy.

Miss J are you texting again?
Nope, but I just got one.
From your best friend again?
Nope.
From who? Why are you smiling?
No reason.
Yeah right. You’ve been smiling all week.
Okay, okay. You want to know?
Yeah!
Really?
Yeah!
Are you totally sure? Cuz it might kind of gross you out.
Come on!
No seriously, you guys get weirded out if you see me in the grocery store.
Tell us!
Fine. Sigh. I went on a date.
*gasp!*
What?! Lucky guy! Was it Edgar?
No!
If Edgar was older would you date him? [Class cracks up]
No!
Would you date a 16 year old?
And again… NO. That’s just gross. Not to mention illegal. And also gross.
How old does a person have to be for you to date them?
Uhh… at least 23. No older than 30.
Hey! If you add me and Lorenzo, that makes 24! I can just sit on his shoulders and wear a long jacket!
Nice problem solving, guys.
How old is he?
26.
Oh, he’s older than you. But not too old. That’s good.
Yes, it is.
Is he cuter than your old boyfriend? On a scale of 1-10 what would you rate him?
You’re like, a 50, Miss J!
Did you upgrade, Miss J?
Guys… good lord. Don’t get carried away. It was one date.
Yeah, but you’ve been grinning all week.
So?
So it must be good.
How’d you meet?
He’s a friend of a friend.
Oh! Your friend gave you the hook up? Nice! You should thank her.
Is he Mexican? Is he Japanese? Is he a Pacific Islander?
No, you morons, he’s AMERICAN.
Did your dad get ever get mad when you brought home boys?
Well, if it was a boy that was my friend, he’d steal them, show them all his guns in the basement, and take them shooting. Then I’d be lonely. If it was a guy I wanted to date, dad would bring the gun upstairs and clean it. [Swipe, swipe. Dangerous expression…] When will you be bringing my daughter home?
Miss J! You should bring him in to show and tell.
That’s a terrible idea. In the beginning of the year, Panerio wanted to punch out my last boyfriend and “take me as his own” if I recall correctly.
Don’t worry, Miss J, I won’t bring my shotgun
Thanks, Meza. That’s kind of you.
Miss J, did he do the cheesy stretch thing? You know like yawwwwn! Streeeeetch!
No, no he’s not that cheesy.
Yeah, he’s probably really smart, huh? You wouldn’t go out with a dumb boy. What did you talk about?
Told stories. Talked about people hallucinating in the Amazon rainforest. You know. Science. History. Life.
You talked about SCHOOL STUFF?
Guys, I hate to tell you this, but intelligent people need more to talk about than themselves and other people. You gotta know what’s going on in the world so you have something interesting to say. I don’t always want to be the teacher, you know? Sometimes I want someone to tell me something I don’t know. Sometimes I want someone who has the same information already so we can share.
Nerd!
Yeah, yeah. Like you didn’t already know this about me.
If a girl started talking about history, I’d be like, see ya!
That’s because you’re 12.
Are his hands sweaty? Does he have a mustache? Are his armpits hairy? Do you want to kiss him? DID you kiss him? Is he strong? Is he stronger than Gerome? Gerome’s got like, little rocks in his arms! Could he take out Gerome?
Oh, I don’t know. I think Gerome might have a good shot at kicking his butt. [Gerome, tiny and adorable, grins]
Does he have a tattoo?
I don’t know if he has a tattoo or not, seeing as how all of his clothing remained ON in the movie theatre.
[Class cracks up]
I bet he has a little star tattooed right on his butt.
I bet you’re right. Lorenzo. I’ll ask him.
Would you stop dating him if he had Winnie the Pooh tattooed on his butt?
Is he rich?
Who cares?
Did he use breath freshener?
I have no idea. But I did.
Yeah right, you did not!
I did! [whips it out of my bag] You don’t want to sit be that close to someone and insult their senses.
Woooo! Go Miss J.
Is he really loud?
Naw, of the two of us, he’s the shy one. I’m the flirt.
If he tried anything would you smack him?
Oh totally. Without even thinking.
So…..have you had to smack him?
Ha! You guys are awful.
What does he look like? Does he look like Meza? Can you bring in a picture?
Does he have spiky hair?
Does he have a flat-top with lightning bolts cut in the sides?
Yes.
Really?!
No.
Damn!
Ha! Okay. We done? Can we talk about biodiversity? Or do you have anything else to throw at me?
What if you were at his house at like 1 am and….
Jacob, where is this going?
I better not finish it.
Jacob, you’re a pervert. Miss J is no ho.
Thank you, Adrian. You are correct. I not a ho. So, science. Who wants to know how plants have sex?
Oh! I do, I do!
That’s what I thought. Check this out….


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Many thanks to Rapunzel the Koala :)