No, they will not chop your balls off.

Yay for teaching science.

Two years ago, I had a few girls that would tell me about their (or "their friend's") STD issues. It is a strange compliment-- knowing they are comfortable enough to talk to you, while assuming you're smart enough to know something about it. But still disturbing. This time, it wasn't a girl.

Student A pulled me out into the hallway to tell me, in a bashful and embarrassed voice, that he has a lump on his "well, I guess you could say, my testicle" and that he was afraid he has cancer and is going to die.

And then started describing it in detail, stuttering "I mean, not to gross you out.... I'm just..."

"A. You are probably fine. It's good that you know your body that well. Since you've got all those hormones in your system, there's a good chance, your body is just doing something funky, but anything out of the normal should be checked. Do you have a guy that can bring you to the doctor just in case?"

"...So I'm not going to die?!?!"

"The chances of you having a tumorous cancer at your age are pretty slim. I'm saying its probably nothing. BUT, if it is something, you probably caught it in time.... and if that is true, then the doctors can take care of it before it becomes a serious problem."

"So, if I go to the doctor, I'll probably be fine?"

"Yes. Most likely. Million to one."

"They won't.......chop my balls off?"



(How I did not burst into laughter is a miracle)

"I think you are probably safe."

"But, I had a family member who had cancer, and sometimes they have to cut into you to see if you have it..."

"That's a biopsy. And they just need a tiny, tiny piece of tissue. A few cells. You don't even have to be put to sleep when they take it."

"So, if I go to the doctor they're going to put a NEEDLE in my...."


......This conversation lasted far too long.