This year, I have a lot of male students who think they are badasses. They're not. But they really think they are, with their skinny jeans and huge hoop earrings (What is with the girl fashion on boys? I am clearly an old person who just does not get it). This does not fly with me. You are not cool unless you can loosen up and laugh at yourself.
So, I have a plan to demolish their stupid egos and turn them into humans that are actually funny and fun to be around. By doing what, you ask? By manipulating them into doing TOTALLY STUPID THINGS!!!
SO far:
1. I convinced a kid that his drawing of a horse needed a horn, because unicorns are way better. He disagreed-- cowboys could not ride unicorns. Unicorns are too fruity. I made stupid noises at him and said "I'm sorry, if there was a big black horse with a huge horn running full speed at me...ready to stab me THROUGH THE HEART because it had a HUGE SWORD on its FACE..... I would be afraid. Unicorns don't have to be pink and sparkly you know. They're actually kind of b-a." He disagreed.I smirked like he didn't know what he was talking about and walked away. Then, when I walked back 5 minutes later, there was a horn drawn on his horse. And--best part-- a rainbow drawn on its butt.
2. I got my unruly last class (which is mostly boys) to sing this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0305/video-extr-q-350-03.html with exuberance. Score: Ms J. 1, kiddos naught. Oh yeah-- and that part where the singer says "and skin and BRAIN!"? We all shake our fists to it and amp up the voice. And we may even sway-dance back and forth.... heh heh heh.
3. I bought this totally ridiculous, bright green, googly-eyed, felt hat. It was a couple dollars at Michael's and has a lizard-like appearance with its spikes on the top. Its totally awesome. I call it my Godzilla hat. Knowing teenagers.... I used reverse psychology. I told them I would chase them around with the hat on if they didn't behave. Which triggered all of my too-cool-for-school boys to want to wear it. And they do.
Whatever shall I do next? Heh, heh, heh.
If you have any ideas.... let me know!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Aaaakward!
Dude.
I think one of my former students just half-assedly asked me out. Totally out of the blue.
He's a sophomore.
In high school.
I would laugh if it wasn't so....totally weird.
I feel dirty.
I mean, I know the kids love me, but this is absurd.
I think one of my former students just half-assedly asked me out. Totally out of the blue.
He's a sophomore.
In high school.
I would laugh if it wasn't so....totally weird.
I feel dirty.
I mean, I know the kids love me, but this is absurd.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Branam!
During my 9-10 block today, I turned into a monster. But not of fury. A monster of giddiness. My assistant principal stuck his head in my door with this "I'm trying to make amends" face, and told me he had a surprise for me. He said something like "I know you would kill me if I didn't bring him to you." And in walked one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE FORMER STUDENTS!
I nearly shrieked with glee-- and I definitely would have if my new kids weren't taking a pre-assessment. This kid made me laugh every single day last year. He's one of those rare humans who is kind of ageless. Acts like a mischievous 5-year-old and a complete grown-up at the same time. A total shit head but knows his limits. He's just awesome. Or maybe he's just like me so we get each other. Who knows.
Anyhow, Branam gave me a huge hug, and my entire class looked at me in a strange kind of shock (what kind of teacher is THAT happy to see a student?). He told me he had really good news, but I was just happy to see a face of someone who got my sense of humor-- that was good enough. But then he told me-- he EXCEEDED on his state science exam! Not passed. Exceeded! And so did his twin brother! I think my face almost fell off I was grinning so much.
"That's incredible! I am so proud of you! Now imagine what you would have accomplished if you actually came to class everyday..."
"Two minutes in and already giving me a hard time," he replied.
Always.
After school he came back and we talked for almost two hours about summer, high school, college, life, family.... and when I went home I couldn't stop smiling. You always hope that you make a difference to kids. They wiggle their way into your heart and you find yourself worrying about them. You hope that they learned something from you-- especially something nonacademic-- something about life. Something about being a good person. About working hard because its worth it. About not giving up even when everything totally sucks.
But you don't always realize how much of a difference they make to you.
I say it all the time, but its true. These kids are my heart. How am I ever going to leave them?
I nearly shrieked with glee-- and I definitely would have if my new kids weren't taking a pre-assessment. This kid made me laugh every single day last year. He's one of those rare humans who is kind of ageless. Acts like a mischievous 5-year-old and a complete grown-up at the same time. A total shit head but knows his limits. He's just awesome. Or maybe he's just like me so we get each other. Who knows.
Anyhow, Branam gave me a huge hug, and my entire class looked at me in a strange kind of shock (what kind of teacher is THAT happy to see a student?). He told me he had really good news, but I was just happy to see a face of someone who got my sense of humor-- that was good enough. But then he told me-- he EXCEEDED on his state science exam! Not passed. Exceeded! And so did his twin brother! I think my face almost fell off I was grinning so much.
"That's incredible! I am so proud of you! Now imagine what you would have accomplished if you actually came to class everyday..."
"Two minutes in and already giving me a hard time," he replied.
Always.
After school he came back and we talked for almost two hours about summer, high school, college, life, family.... and when I went home I couldn't stop smiling. You always hope that you make a difference to kids. They wiggle their way into your heart and you find yourself worrying about them. You hope that they learned something from you-- especially something nonacademic-- something about life. Something about being a good person. About working hard because its worth it. About not giving up even when everything totally sucks.
But you don't always realize how much of a difference they make to you.
I say it all the time, but its true. These kids are my heart. How am I ever going to leave them?
Froward.
Stanley: Hey, don't mess up my 'fro.
Me: Stanley, you don't have a 'fro.
Stanley: It's an afro in training. Give it time.
Me: I look forward to it.
Stanley: You mean.... you look FRO-word to it. Heh heh heh.
I think I'm going to have a lot of Stanley quotes this year.
Me: Stanley, you don't have a 'fro.
Stanley: It's an afro in training. Give it time.
Me: I look forward to it.
Stanley: You mean.... you look FRO-word to it. Heh heh heh.
I think I'm going to have a lot of Stanley quotes this year.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
That's LEGIT
Student, pointing to the Alumni Wall: Is that Ms. Cary on your wall?
Me: Yup.
Kid: Isn't she with Silver?
Me: WHAT?! No! God. You guys are so behind. I've been with him for two years now.
Kids: WHAT?! YOU STOLE MS CARY'S MAN!
Kid: 2 Years? Damn. That's legit.
Me: Yup.
Kid: Isn't she with Silver?
Me: WHAT?! No! God. You guys are so behind. I've been with him for two years now.
Kids: WHAT?! YOU STOLE MS CARY'S MAN!
Kid: 2 Years? Damn. That's legit.
Buckwheat
So, last year, Stanley, Jerry and I were the only people who would end up at some of the boys' basketball games. We'd cheer our boys on relentlessly, even if they were getting walloped. Stanley loved to shout "BUCKWHEAT!" at any of the uber-white, upper-middle class boys as they were shooting free-throws.
Stanley: Buckwheat!
Me: Say what?! You can't call me buckwheat! I'm one of YOU! You kidding me....
Stanley: (thinks for a second) Can I call everyone else in class buckwheat, and you the baker then?
Me: What?!
Stanley: Cuz we're all the buckwheat-seeds and you're gonna turn us all into bread.
I can't....argue with that.
Stanley: Buckwheat!
Me: Say what?! You can't call me buckwheat! I'm one of YOU! You kidding me....
Stanley: (thinks for a second) Can I call everyone else in class buckwheat, and you the baker then?
Me: What?!
Stanley: Cuz we're all the buckwheat-seeds and you're gonna turn us all into bread.
I can't....argue with that.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Year 5: Day 1
So, I forgot how weird kids are the first day.
1. The noisy ones are quiet because they're trying to figure you out.
2. The new smart-asses scoff at you and are the only ones who don't take your word because they don't know your reputation or have a place in the school yet.
3. They don't laugh at any of your stupid jokes because they don't get you.
4. They don't talk to each other even when you ask them to.
5. The ones who don't believe your reputation try to slyly get away with small infractions to see if you'll notice-- and you better.
6. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the weird, awkward kid who asks too many damn questions.
7. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the kid who's been the jackass in class for last five years.
8. They don't bother saying your name, and refer to you as "Hey you" or "teacher," but because they don't know the other teacher's names that well yet, they don't yet call you by their names.
1 down. 179 to go! Not a bad first day.
1. The noisy ones are quiet because they're trying to figure you out.
2. The new smart-asses scoff at you and are the only ones who don't take your word because they don't know your reputation or have a place in the school yet.
3. They don't laugh at any of your stupid jokes because they don't get you.
4. They don't talk to each other even when you ask them to.
5. The ones who don't believe your reputation try to slyly get away with small infractions to see if you'll notice-- and you better.
6. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the weird, awkward kid who asks too many damn questions.
7. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the kid who's been the jackass in class for last five years.
8. They don't bother saying your name, and refer to you as "Hey you" or "teacher," but because they don't know the other teacher's names that well yet, they don't yet call you by their names.
1 down. 179 to go! Not a bad first day.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Old Students Heal Me
Student: How was your day?
Me: I have demons in my homeroom.
Student: Ooh, you can handle it. You had worse. I know you can control them. You're Miss J so there is nothing to worry about. They dont know that they got the best teacher i've ever had. i know those kids don't really care about school. honestly i wished i could go back in time and not do any of the mistakes i made cuz i feel like i messed up at the beginning.
Me: Its not too late to fix anything. I have a lot of faith in and hope for you. You could be a good role model for the next generation and inspire/motivate them.
Student: Thank you. that really motivates me. im going to study starting tonight bcuz i want to make you proud so you wont have to worry about me. :D Also, could you put [my girlfriend] at the front of the room and pick on her and have fun with her? Always keep her on her feet, make sure she doesn't fall behind cuz she's really smart n she says she hates science but your science is diff'rent.
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Girl to sister and her evil friend: You have Miss J for homeroom?! She's the BEST TEACHER EVER.
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Panerio: Miss J, I'm going to wear my old school uniform and hop the fence so I can make sure the new kids are good to you on the first day.
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Jacky, Anay and her family, Jerry (the a-salted one-- did I tell that story?), Vianey, Yesenia, Panerio, and a couple others all came to see me today during open house.
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Note:
I have to type and remember these things or the negative swirling doom that I'm feeling every second might overwhelm me. We are so quick to worry, and so quick to forget that we make a difference, and that the kids we care so much about care about us right back. I am worried that I might have inadvertently taken on too much this year. I am worried (like I worry every year) that my kids won't get me, that we won't click, and that I won't have any fun with them. I am worried that I'll try so hard to make my co-workers successful and my kids happy and knowledgeable that I'll lose myself in the process. This is why I need to remember the good-- like the snippets above. And the extra good-- like the snippet below. It takes a community to teach a kid, and it also takes one to pick up the tired teacher.
Me: I have demons in my homeroom.
Student: Ooh, you can handle it. You had worse. I know you can control them. You're Miss J so there is nothing to worry about. They dont know that they got the best teacher i've ever had. i know those kids don't really care about school. honestly i wished i could go back in time and not do any of the mistakes i made cuz i feel like i messed up at the beginning.
Me: Its not too late to fix anything. I have a lot of faith in and hope for you. You could be a good role model for the next generation and inspire/motivate them.
Student: Thank you. that really motivates me. im going to study starting tonight bcuz i want to make you proud so you wont have to worry about me. :D Also, could you put [my girlfriend] at the front of the room and pick on her and have fun with her? Always keep her on her feet, make sure she doesn't fall behind cuz she's really smart n she says she hates science but your science is diff'rent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to sister and her evil friend: You have Miss J for homeroom?! She's the BEST TEACHER EVER.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panerio: Miss J, I'm going to wear my old school uniform and hop the fence so I can make sure the new kids are good to you on the first day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jacky, Anay and her family, Jerry (the a-salted one-- did I tell that story?), Vianey, Yesenia, Panerio, and a couple others all came to see me today during open house.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note:
I have to type and remember these things or the negative swirling doom that I'm feeling every second might overwhelm me. We are so quick to worry, and so quick to forget that we make a difference, and that the kids we care so much about care about us right back. I am worried that I might have inadvertently taken on too much this year. I am worried (like I worry every year) that my kids won't get me, that we won't click, and that I won't have any fun with them. I am worried that I'll try so hard to make my co-workers successful and my kids happy and knowledgeable that I'll lose myself in the process. This is why I need to remember the good-- like the snippets above. And the extra good-- like the snippet below. It takes a community to teach a kid, and it also takes one to pick up the tired teacher.
Ms. R
Ms. R is turning into my favorite person at school.
She was a 1st year teacher last year, and I thought she did a really great job. She loved the little shits the most. She never gave up, always had a good attitude, and kept learning. She didn't spontaneously combust. Of course, she'll probably tell you that she was 2/3 an atomic bomb of a disaster, but I'm not validating that garbage.
This year, she is--as Sebastian might say-- one saucy mama.
Now that she is a well-seasoned veteran, she has come back with good advice and tons of attitude. She's this take-charge tornado who now KNOWS that teaching is sometimes a shit storm, and knows she can weather it. She just puts on a poncho (or, the most teachery dress you'll see on a 20-something year old) and bears it.
I don't normally write about teachers, but Ms. R kills me. As a mentor teacher, I should be the one stopping heart attacks. Here, it's the other way around. Every time I go into panic mode, she tells me about her great idea of wearing a fanny pack full of math manipulatives. Or tells a story about last year's "Mysterious Ball Puncher." (If your mind went to a dirty place... you were right). And she gives me realistic suggestions that calm me down.
She may feel like she's not my equal, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even a new class list. And boy, could I use that.
P.s. By the way, Ms. R, if you're reading this.... you need to email me your blog address because I no longer have it.
She was a 1st year teacher last year, and I thought she did a really great job. She loved the little shits the most. She never gave up, always had a good attitude, and kept learning. She didn't spontaneously combust. Of course, she'll probably tell you that she was 2/3 an atomic bomb of a disaster, but I'm not validating that garbage.
This year, she is--as Sebastian might say-- one saucy mama.
Now that she is a well-seasoned veteran, she has come back with good advice and tons of attitude. She's this take-charge tornado who now KNOWS that teaching is sometimes a shit storm, and knows she can weather it. She just puts on a poncho (or, the most teachery dress you'll see on a 20-something year old) and bears it.
I don't normally write about teachers, but Ms. R kills me. As a mentor teacher, I should be the one stopping heart attacks. Here, it's the other way around. Every time I go into panic mode, she tells me about her great idea of wearing a fanny pack full of math manipulatives. Or tells a story about last year's "Mysterious Ball Puncher." (If your mind went to a dirty place... you were right). And she gives me realistic suggestions that calm me down.
She may feel like she's not my equal, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even a new class list. And boy, could I use that.
P.s. By the way, Ms. R, if you're reading this.... you need to email me your blog address because I no longer have it.
Day 6
Day 6. Thursday. ABORT MISSION. ABORT! DEMONS ON CLASS LIST! ABORT MISSION! Teeth, Napoleon, Girl-Who-Called-A-Teacher-A-Cunt-And-Said-She-Should-Choke-On-A-Dick, her best friend, Pure Evil, and Cashew?! MAYDAY MAYDAY TEACHER GOING DOWN.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dear School.
Day 1: Sunday. Heck yes, school, bring it on!
Day 2: Monday. Dear school. I did not mean for you to bring it on that much. Please bring it on slightly less. And then give me a snack. And nap time.
Day 3: Tuesday. School, my brain is still exploding. I am developing ADD, and I'm pretty sure that you're the cause, because I have not been eating foods with high levels of dyes. So, I need more stimulation, please. Or maybe a dance-party break. Or maybe for you to provide me an extra few hours of day.
Day 4: Wednesday. School. If you had a middle and a last name, I would use it in a scolding tone. You are not living up to your potential. You were supposed to teach me useful things every day so I could grow as a human, and you are not. The only thing I got from you was crabs from the bathroom.
Okay, so maybe that's a lie, but you did once give me lice, so its not that big a leap. I am, however, strangely happy that I am having a medical issue so that I do not have to sit and stab my eyeball out. That would be a much worse medical issue. Please do better tomorrow.
Day 2: Monday. Dear school. I did not mean for you to bring it on that much. Please bring it on slightly less. And then give me a snack. And nap time.
Day 3: Tuesday. School, my brain is still exploding. I am developing ADD, and I'm pretty sure that you're the cause, because I have not been eating foods with high levels of dyes. So, I need more stimulation, please. Or maybe a dance-party break. Or maybe for you to provide me an extra few hours of day.
Day 4: Wednesday. School. If you had a middle and a last name, I would use it in a scolding tone. You are not living up to your potential. You were supposed to teach me useful things every day so I could grow as a human, and you are not. The only thing I got from you was crabs from the bathroom.
Okay, so maybe that's a lie, but you did once give me lice, so its not that big a leap. I am, however, strangely happy that I am having a medical issue so that I do not have to sit and stab my eyeball out. That would be a much worse medical issue. Please do better tomorrow.
This is Why I Love this Child
Favorite: Miss J, are you still teaching science this year?
Me: Yes, but we have two new science teachers.
Favorite: Well, they can't take your place cuz no one can do a job better than you. Thats been proven by society.
That was exactly what I needed today.
Me: Yes, but we have two new science teachers.
Favorite: Well, they can't take your place cuz no one can do a job better than you. Thats been proven by society.
That was exactly what I needed today.
Denialism Ticks me Off
Today, I saw a bumper sticker that said this:
Global warming.
A dangerous, man-made phenomenon created by Marxist ideals and junk science.
I wanted to ninja kick his face. Right off.
I love it how people have decided that science is something that can be "believed" or "not believed." This isn't religion, people.
You can choose to not understand, you can be not ready to understand. But how do you decide to just deny it? Why does the idea that you have the potential to screw up the planet insult you? Or take the evolution debate. Why does it insult you that you came from a long line of ancestors that changed over time?
I wonder if this guy also denies gravity, the spherical nature of earth, and that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. And I bet he thinks he's at the center of the universe.
Global warming.
A dangerous, man-made phenomenon created by Marxist ideals and junk science.
I wanted to ninja kick his face. Right off.
I love it how people have decided that science is something that can be "believed" or "not believed." This isn't religion, people.
You can choose to not understand, you can be not ready to understand. But how do you decide to just deny it? Why does the idea that you have the potential to screw up the planet insult you? Or take the evolution debate. Why does it insult you that you came from a long line of ancestors that changed over time?
I wonder if this guy also denies gravity, the spherical nature of earth, and that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. And I bet he thinks he's at the center of the universe.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Whose Team are YOU on?
An old, old story I forgot to post:
The other day, one of my girls came up to me-- all Twilighted out on free dress day. She'd been having quite the heated argument with another one of the girls and needed me to settle something for them.
"Miss J, which team are you on?"
"Huh?"
"You know! Twilight. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Because honestly, if you say Team Jacob, I'm going to scream, I mean, like, Edward is Bella's SOUL MATE. So, Team Edward, right?"
I put on my biggest, cheesiest smile, my most enthusiastic voice.
"Team KNOWLEDGE, baby! OH yeah. Knowledge is sexy. Nobody has better abs than KNOWLEDGE."
She was not amused.
The other day, one of my girls came up to me-- all Twilighted out on free dress day. She'd been having quite the heated argument with another one of the girls and needed me to settle something for them.
"Miss J, which team are you on?"
"Huh?"
"You know! Twilight. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Because honestly, if you say Team Jacob, I'm going to scream, I mean, like, Edward is Bella's SOUL MATE. So, Team Edward, right?"
I put on my biggest, cheesiest smile, my most enthusiastic voice.
"Team KNOWLEDGE, baby! OH yeah. Knowledge is sexy. Nobody has better abs than KNOWLEDGE."
She was not amused.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Texts of Happiness
The universe wants me to keep teaching.
In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.
Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.
And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"
These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.
In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.
Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.
And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"
These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.
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