Love

The decision to leave has been weighing on me for weeks.

While every class period, I count down the minutes until I have the next, I am also counting down the days until summer. But probably not for the reason you'd think.

Will.
The Branams.
Monica.
"Carmen Miranda"
Maritza.
Little Alex.
Monica, Julio, Vianey, Yesenia.
Castro, Aidan, Angelica, Miguel, Jesus O., Bayron
Bryanna, Crystal, Jessica, Karla, Juan S., Jesus & Pedro....

There are a hundred reasons why I don't want to leave. All of them are former students.

So, I couldn't wait any more. I had to tell them.

So, last week, I went on my teacher facebook page (I created one like how celebrities and politicians do so we could keep in touch) and told them I needed to call a meeting. Texted those whose numbers I had. Told them all to spread the word. Many called back, or emailed to tell me they couldn't make it.

But there were probably 50 kids in my room today. For most of them, I bounded out of my chair and shrieked their names before hugging them.

When they all settled in, I began to speak. I told them about my year, and how much I have struggled. My stolen ipod, the sheer disrespect, and I watched as their lips pursed and their brows furrowed. They sat, in total silence while I described the hell that has been this year.

And then I told them that I kept staying year after year for them. That I loved them. That they were my family. That I was so, so grateful to have been a part in their lives. That they were so important to me, and always would be. And I started to cry.

I told them I was moving to Denver, a 16 hour car ride away.

I saw some of my girls were starting to cry, seeing my tears, and when I looked at Big Will's face, my chest got tight.

They rallied around me, hugged me, told me it was okay. And then, for the next hour and a half, they stayed. To get me caught up. To hug me. To tell me it was okay to take care of myself. To beg me to take them with me.

Monica came and took my hand. "This is what you need. We will be okay. We always have your back, okay?" I started to cry again.

Love-- I burst with it for these kids. They have my heart, so the guilt I feel about leaving them is immense-- a giant thunderhead looming, leaving me covered in rain. They are my little sisters, my little brothers. So, I needed their permission. Yet even now, having it- I am all choked up. I know there will be new babies, but these kids will always be some of the most important people in my life.


I invited Becca, the girl who saves me every day during my Hell Class, to stay. As far as I was concerned, she'd earned her stripes for me already. She's already one of them. So, she stayed, and watched as the kids poured in, watched as I yelled their names as they ran toward me, watched their expressions as I talked and heard them voice their fury. Saw their sadness.

After I was done, and the kids were lingering, talking to me and reuniting with each other, I turned to Becca. "You know, you don't have to stay."
She just shook her head and took it all in.

Later, as Maritza was leaving, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Becca, next to me said "That's how it should be, Miss J."

As hard as teaching is, and as much as I feel like I am being beaten down every. single. day. Leaving these kids is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.