My Menagerie

When people find out you're going to be a teacher, they buy you the most ridiculous (read: awesome!) things ever. Now, I already kind of have a love affair with school supplies, but this... this is like heaven.

In the last week, I've gotten some truly hilarious (and practical! Really!) items. My favorites:

Item #1: A bright blue, translucent elephant with suction cups on its feet. As if this wasn't cool enough (Come on. Who doesn't want a bright blue elephant to call their very own?), the elephant serves as both a paper shredder and a pencil sharpener! Ha! Genius.

Of course, you've got to stick the pencil in the elephant's forhead to sharpen it... which is a little weird. I feel like I'm stabbing him. It might have been a better idea to have his trunk curled up, so you could put the pencil in his mouth. Then it'd be more like eating.... or tonsil stabbing. I don't know. Anyhow, thanks to my dear friend Heather for this gift. She's fantastic.


Item #2: A fist-sized ladybug stapler, given to me by my phenomenal cooperating teacher. Where do people find these things? I'm a little afraid to bring this into my classroom, because some little punk might steal it. It's just so cool. On the other hand, the thing weights a metric ton, so if I might just keep it in my purse and use it to hit muggers. Always nice when your staplers have dual lives, don't you think?

By the time I start teaching I should have a whole menagerie of animal items that serve purposes other than looking adorable. I'm excited to build my zoo. Thank you so much for those who have contributed! :)

Puddle Jumping

I finished my finals. I'm done. Finished. Finally. It hasn't quite hit yet. Much as I bitch about this place, I'm going to miss it. There's nothing quite like running around the quad at 1:30 at night, playing frisbee and getting caught in the rain.

Which is exactly what I did. Intead of partying it up, I frolicked in the wet grass, giggling and dancing like a maniac, dodging past vindictive sprinklers and whipping a frisbee with so much style Paris Hilton would be jealous. Then, Mother Nature decided we were having too much fun, and decided to rain on our parade. Little does she know how much I like spring rain. So, I used my frisbee as a dashing little hat (told you I had mad style) and slowly meandered back home.

I think you've got to be a little bit of a kid to be a good teacher. I just hope my kids find as much joy rain dancing as they do playing those junky computer games. If not, I'll teach 'em! You WILL hop in puddles! You WILL climb trees! You WILL sing Disney songs on the top of your lungs!

Just... you know... do it at home. Your parents will love it. I promise.

Interview Anxiety

Well, that was odd.

The principal didn't ask me any questions. I was prepared to talk about anecdotal behavior notes and parental communication logs and use obnoxious words like "cooperative" and "interdisciplinary" and "differenciated," and blather on about my 5 year plan and my strenghts and weaknesses and.... *head explodes*

And... nothing! I sat there for about five minutes as he talked about the district and the surrounding area. I felt like a kid whose teacher keeps talking about nonsense before giving a big test. Just sock it to me already! But the sock never came. The only question he had for me was "Do you have any questions for me?"

After that, he basically told me that he'd talked to various teachers in the building, and the superintendant... and every person had a glowing review. He said that before he goes to the board with his recommendation, he has to make sure he interviews a couple other people, so that when they say "How do you know this person is the most qualified? How many others did you interview?" he has an answer other than "uhhh... well....."

And that was it. So, all of my anxiety was for nothing. I think. He didn't actually SAY I had the job... he just... made it sound like I did. I think. I'm confused. Let's hope all that the fact the lack of grilling was a good sign.

Mmm. Grilling. Now I'm hungry.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

More Booty than Blackbeard (but less than Britney Spears)

My kids threw me a party! Lured me down to the office, decorated the classroom, and brought out a cake! They even turned off the lights and hid under their desks and screamed excitedly when I walked in the door. I couldn't have been happier. I felt like it was my birthday, darn it, and I was going to cry if I wanted to.

I did, however, manage to get myself under control until I got home with all my booty*.

When I walked in, the table was covered in gift bags. I couldn't believe it. I now have enough post-it notes to wallpaper my room. Crayons, dry erase markers, pencils, pens, highlighters, white out, a staple remover and stapler... you name it. Even a little green-haired troll doll wearing naught but a scarf. Exactly what I wanted! How did they know?

The rest of the time was spent talking, taking oodles of pictures and playing Heads Up 7 Up. God, I'm going to miss these kids. I know there are cool kids everywhere, but I still think mine are the best.

How many 12 year old boys talk about BEING swimsuit models, and then craft paper speedos that they tape to the front of their pants? How many tape pieces of paper to their chins saying "Bye Miss J! We'll miss you!"?. Just my weirdos. That's it.

I'll tell you one thing... it's good that we talked about flood safety, because if I don't get the job here, I'm going to pull an Alice in Wonderland on them. There will be a river of tears that could drown a manatee. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

My interview is on Monday. I'll keep you posted.

Much Love!
Miss J

P.s. For added hilarity, note the middle caption of the lower picture. Supa Teacher, check. Breaker of Hearts, check. My work here is done.


* Not referring to my...assets. Also, not in any way relating to "booty call." Although, hilariously, a couple of the boys did leave me their phone numbers. And e-mail addresses. Ha!

It's my last day.


I'm not ready.

(Field) Trippin'

When you're a kid, there's nothing better than a field trip. If you've got to get up early and learn, you might as well go somewhere fun to do it! It's a day full of junk food and unnecessary flirting. Kids who are never at school show up for field trips. Kids who are never on time are there before anyone else. Kids who don't turn in signed papers under threat of death bring back their permission slips in record time. Field trips really bring out the best in some people. For the rest, it brings out the idiot.

Field trips are big fun. Unless you're not a kid. I'm not a kid. A fact I had forgotten. 60 6th graders parading around a tomb, and tromping through the museums is no delight when you're the one responsible for all of them. It's a little like trying to get a bunch of ants to walk in a straight line. Oh god, no, go this way. I have some sugar if you'll follow me nicely!! Damn it! Why aren't they following?



Highlights:
1. At one museum, there was a display of how rivers form. All of my kids ran to it going "Miss J! Look! It's a meander! It's a meandering river, look!" They then begged me to take their pictures by it. The other teacher's kids just looked at them like they were nuts. Jealousy, that's all it was...

2. One of my students created a squashed penny (of a wooly mammoth) for me. Aww yeah. Nothin' like spending 51 cents to legally destroy currency!

3. One delightful young lad pushed the emergency button on the escalator, causing it to stop abruptly, and another was messing with the emergency door on the bus while still in motion.... but other than that, no other Episodes of Idiocy.

4. In another museum, there was a historical dress up area. Did I let my kids cross-dress? Why yes, yes I did. Did I dress up and let them take my picture as well? You betcha. Did we get kicked out? Nope! Miracles DO happen.

All in all, a good day.

Day of Notes

Ahh yes. I forgot. Today was definitely the Day of Notes. The following 3 were ones given to me by my author of the Fredrick stories.

Note #1:

Miss J, I am sorry for telling you my name is Trae Hendricks. It is really Mu'an Tigger Woody.


Note #2:

Miss J, I am sorry for lying. It broke my heart. My real name is Trae Hendricks and I'm sorry for crumbling up the paper. It made me cry.


Note #3:

Miss J. I figured out my identity. I'm Trae Hendricks and I like tacos and Roli Polis, I squash them. Don't go crazy because I heard crazy people get mustaches and unibrows.

p.s. I am not afraid of tacos. I'm afraid of Roli Polis and something else.

p.p.s From Trae.


The illustration is one he made of me during the free period the last 10 minute of the day. Dashing, is it not? I'm not sure what that dead-spider looking thing is on my face, but hey. I'll go with it. After that, he was in a very creative mood, so he hiked his shorts up Urkel-style, as far as they could go. We had just been talking about floods in science, so I asked him if he was preparing for one.

"No Miss J. I'm making a fashion statement."
"Well, if that's true, you clearly need a hat."
"I do?"
"Yeah. You know how to make one out of newspaper?"
"I do!"
"Well, get to it then."
And of course, he did. Ready for the catwalk, he was. If only I had my camera.

Yesterday Burnin' Turkey, Today Rump Roast

And today's breaking news.....

I'm a fat ass!

That's right folks! You heard it here first. This 5'4" 120 pounder who enjoys long swims in shark infested waters is a grade A, FDA approved, fat ass! If you'd like to sink your teeth into a juicy piece of rump roast, you know who to call!

I had no idea. I'm so glad that I have these children to bring the truth to me. What would I do without them? Probably live a life of total denial. That might be nice. I'd like the ignorance combo #4 and a side of bliss please. Only $4.99? Great.

So, here's how it went down. I caught two of my (amazingly good) students passing a notebook back and forth. I am hip to the whole passing notes under the guise of lending a notebook thing (as I used to do it myself), so I figured I was in for some excellent entertainment. Turns out I was. Among other things, one of the girls (and again, let me say that they are some of my favorite students) called me "Fat Ass Jones."

My eyebrows nearly lifted right off my forehead. I managed to lift one eyebrow a little more, looked at the girls, tore out the note, plunked the notebook back on the desk and said calmly "Ohhhh yeah. You're so busted."

The two girls were eventually sent down to the principal's office, and now are unable to go to the field trip with us tomorrow. The one who specifically called me a tubby lard bottom is also suspended for a day. Wowza. They came back up to the room hysterical, bawling their eyes out, red-faced and amazingly apologetic. I accepted their apologies gracefully, told them I wasn't angry, just saddened and disappointed. Which, of course, made them cry a little harder.

Another one of my lovelies got into a brawl at gym, and now can't go with us tomorrow either. On the other hand, one of my students who is consistently a pain in my (you know what) was GOOD! Figure that one out. Something's in the air, and I'm not sure I like it. I do however, like what's on the menu.


Note: Don't worry. The above picture ISN'T of a student pinching my bippe.