Type 1 Personality

We are studying the digestive system, which as it turns out, is one of my favorite things to teach. If someone would have told me a decade ago that I'd be standing in front of 32 11-year-olds talking about poop, I would have blushed crimson and vehemently disagreed. I am dainty! Dignified! Distinguished!

At the age of 10 I stubbornly informed my grandmother that if one had to describe one bodily function, one was to say "passed gas." Fart? What a horrid word! How repulsive. Uncouth! Neanderthal. Besides, girls don't break wind OR poop. Didn't you know?

Today? I find myself awfully potty-mouthed.
The other day, however, one kids tried to prematurely one-up me.

Boy 1: Poop! HEH HEH HEH! POOP!
Me: Seriously? That's the BEST you've got? Am I supposed to be grossed out? Pfft.

( Come on. Do you not know who I am? Have I not already educated you about penis-dwelling parasites? Have we not talked about possible jellyfish remedies? Have I not grotesquely described my various dissections? The flight of vitreous humor? The formaldehyde-inducing eye tearing and gag reflex?)

Okay, so you think poop is hilarious? Fine. I'll tell you all about constipation. I will draw the descending colon on the board. We will talk about water absorption. What is that?
You think repeating the word diarrhea over and over again is riotous? Okay, Bevis (or is it... Butthead?). Let me talk about that too.
What? You don't know about BOWEL OBSTRUCTIONS? How can you say you've LIVED if you haven't talked about BOWEL OBSTRUCTIONS?
Okay. Let's see if you think THAT'S funny. Let the party BEGIN!
Wait, what is this? The giggling... is now nervous? What? You don't WANT to hear about your own bowel movements? But... why ever not? I thought that's what you wanted....

And, let's be honest. While I do have some fantastic students, I have a handful of real...shitty ones... as well.

I think I will start referring them by classification according to this chart: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Bristol_Stool_Chart.png

Some days, don't you just wish you could point to this chart and say to a coworker, student, daughter of a friend or so on....

"Cindy Lou, today, you've got a Type 1 personality. A real, how do I say, pain in my ass?"

25

My kids... threw me a surprise party. They invited my favorite 7th graders. They had crepe decorations, balloons, copious amounts of sugar, and stacks of presents.

I was stunned.
So, there are 2 options to consider:

The Optimist
They don't hate my guts!

The Realist?
Any excuse to get out of class and party is a good one....

Thoughts?

Redemption

100 pounds of chocolate-eyed fury, 62 inches of brunette dynamo, twelve and three quarter years of experience bursts into the room. The time: 11:55. The place: room 615. The spectacle: three ring.

Words ignite and flow like lava bursting from a cindercone.

"Who is disrespecting my Miss J? I've been hearing that THIS class be disrespecting MY Miss J!"

A handful of 7th grade cronies follow, arms crossed, eyes glaring. They surround a square of students, eyes narrowed and lips stern.

"Yeah," they echo. "Who's disrespecting Miss J?"

The fiery assault continues:
"Donchu know? Donchu know that Miss J is the best teacher you will ever have? Donchu know that Miss J cares more about you than anything? Why you gotta be disrespectin' that? Huh?!"

Fists pump, as her face reddens. Her eyes gleam, a mixture of ice chips and torch flame.
She turns to me, eyes still ablaze, long dark hair like a curtain angrily whipped back from a window.

"So, who's doin' it, Miss J? Be specific. I need to talk some sense into them."

Fingers point. Nervous laughter emits. Its him! No its not! You are!

For 15 minutes, Monica interrogates various suspects, making them stand and, in turn, apologise to me.

At one point, I stop her.
"Mon, did you like me when you first met me?"
"Awww heck no. You get that? I DOGGED her for DAYS. I treated her like CRAP. I though, pfft, what does this chick know?...."

She pauses, looks at me a second, gaze softening miraculously, then glares back at the class.

"Miss J made me realize I had to change my attitude, my perspective. And I did. And then I had the best year of my life. You gotta trust her. Miss J? She knows whats up."

Mon nods in my direction. "Gotta go. You need me, Miss J, you call me."

One final dagger stare, and the team walks out the door.

Redemption.

The Blimp Lies

The truth is... nothing has changed. My low class stares at me with puzzled expressions as I wait patiently for lightbulbs to flicker on. They don't.

My average class shouts and bullies. Insult after insult piercing the air as if shish-kabobed on a javelin. Never ending. (And not even creative. Couldn't they at least call each other paramecium? That, at least, would be an intelligent insult.)

Their cruelty tires me.

We do class bonding activities, work together, try to say "yes, I can" more often. We have a "shout out box" and a laminated poster they can write happy messages on. The room drips with color and creativity and positivity, and yet... they aren't getting the message. What is it that makes them so mean? I'm not being mean.



In my partner teacher's class, one special education student shouts to another "YOU FUCKING RETARD!"

What is this? Who allows these children to speak this way to each other? We write them up if its bad enough, and the principal (who refers to herself as my "friend." Gag me.) ignores the disciplinary request. But only if its written up by my partner. If I do it, then maybe, just maybe, something will get done.

Every day, I walk in hoping that I will have a good day. Slap that smile on my face. Every day I leave feeling like a total failure. I think if only I just work a little more tonight... things will get better.
If only I create one more project, then they'll get it. One more power point, then they'll see. One more try, another go. More money spent, less z's kept.

I am miserable.

I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, which should make me feel less miserable, but it doesn't. Morale is sinking. Something is slinking, squeezing the life out of the school. I feels like I'm stuck in a pool of quicksand rimmed by a hundred-pound anaconda. There's this terrible fear, this cloud of stench in the air, this feeling. Something bad is going to happen.


Stress, stress, stress. I try to breathe through it all, try to take moments for myself, afternoons that I devote to writing, drawing, walking, petting the cat.

And then? Disaster. Last Tuesday, I found myself shrieking on the floor of the teacher's restroom. There was no Miss J. No personality. No me in that chrysalis, face sweating, forehead puckering, convulsing on the floor (the joys of being female).

Pure, unbridled pain. Toe-curling, hair-pulling, teeth-clenching pain. The type of pain where you frantically think I might lose control of my bowels and then, as you howl in agony, all you can do is pray that you do not. Most embarassment fades when pain is strong, but dignity can still be wounded, even when pain's at its worst.



The paramedics (stone faced, like hup-two soldiers, man-made emotionless robots of their job's design) took me away. After an ambulance ride (the man in the backseat looked past me, bored, as tears streamed down my face) and 45 minutes of total agony in the hospital (IV, catheter, blood leeched from my veins) morphine in all its lovliness dripped into me, and finally my screaming stopped. I fell into a quiet, dreamless sleep.


That night?
Exhausted.
I slept on and off until 8:30 pm, when I finally hit the sack.

I went back to work the next day.
The kids treated me like shit.

Why am I killing myself for you?
Why am I working so damn hard?

Because, awful as they can be... I still care about them, their futures.
And I don't know how to stop.

Shambles!

I flew home to help heal the wounded heart of a friend. I missed two days of school. And when I came back?

MY ROOM WAS IN SHAMBLES.

Papers and books were everywhere, my markers/pencils/staplers were missing. I opened my e-mail to find a rambling letter about the atrocious nature of my kids. Disrespectful, wild, chaotic, out of control. All of the lab materials were stolen so the kids couldn't do their work. None of the homework was done. The sub cried. The principal had to be called down TWICE. The teacher next door had to come over and teach them.

To sum up my emotions in one word.... FURIOUS!!!

So, I gave them lunch detention. All 60 of them. For an entire week. No labs. No fun activitites. Just bookwork. Worksheets. No afterschool fun time. No Friday free time. NOTHING.

But here's the thing with torturing kids.... you end up torturing yourself. Lunch detention for a week = I had to sit with their butts for lunch every day.
Worksheets & bookwork= I was bored to tears... but, damn it, I work too damn hard for them to be asses. Sigh.

Lookin' Pimp Again

"Miss J, you look PIMP!"

(oh god, not again.... what's with this outfit? no grill, no giant clock.... no feather in a tall green tophat...)

"So, I look like a guy who forces women to have sex with strangers for money? Great."

"What?!"

"That's a pimp. Were you not aware?"

Of course not.

Damn MTV.

Fall Break!

I wonder if my teachers were ever so excited about fall break? Whee!!

Of course, fate being the cantankerous seahag that she is.... has blessed me with a cold. Just in time. What did I do that ticked off Karma so much? Unreal.

And Proud of It!

Today, I gave the most recent math test back to the kids.

"And, with one of the top scores, Carlos! 103%!"

The class's cheers are interrupted by a voice.

"NERD!"

This comes from Edgar, my favorite punkass, and Carlos's best friend. Carlos, according to my girls, is very popular and swoon-worthy. He is currently dating one of my ladies, who happens to be gorgeous, opinionated and very bright.

Carlos rolls his eyes. "Dude. You're just jealous that you're not as smart as me."

At this, my eyes began to glint. "And, with the second highest score in class... EDGAR! 101%!"


"NERD!" screams the whole class.

"Yean and PROUD OF IT!" he shouts back.

My smile almost fell right off my face. In fact, my whole head nearly fell right off.

I got Edgar. My punkass, too cool for school, homework is boring, this-is-whack kid to say he was PROUD OF BEING A NERD!


AHAHAHAH! I WIN! I WIN! My glee was almost tangible.
I said nothing. Just grinned like a maniac.

Miss J 235, Edgar 0.

My year has officially been made.

Bustin' out the Gloves

One of my biggest pet peeves (other than the dreaded "I don't get it") is when someone says "That's GAY." The very phrase presented in such a negative way makes me want to pummel faces and give detentions... if only I could give detentions to adults... then the world would truly be a better place.


So, we had to have the "Why it is Idiotic to Call Something Gay" talk today.

At first, I tried having an adult discussion about the topic (without getting into religion, which is kind of diffictult). However, talking rationally did not help, because, of course, my audience was a group of 6th graders. Duh.


So, instead, I had to bust out my Gloves of Shock and Awe. But first, I put on a really excited smile.


"Okay. Hey! I have a really fun idea. Instead of saying 'That's stupid," we should all say "That's Mexican!"


GASP!


Me: "Well? WELL?! HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?!"


One kid: "But... that's like...."

Me: "Saying all Mexicans are stupid?"

Kid: "Yeah. And we're not."


Me: "No kidding! I've got a class full of brilliant minds here, and you're making yourselves sound like total idiots by using that phrase. Plus, not only are most of you Hispanic, but what else are you?"


Kid: "Kids?"

Me: "What else?"


Athletes, cheerleaders, musicians. Multi-faceted.

Curtain, and bow. Oh thank the Lord for Gloves of Shock and Awe.

.

The Litmus Test

Originally, my classroom was populated by Joses, Juans, Guadalupes and Carloses. By this time in the year, however, half of them have nicknames. Among them:

Giggles
Shortcut
Cindy Lou
Daisy May
Frenchie
Grama....

Wisely Edgar, my favorite punkass, said today:

"I can tell if you're in a good mood or not."
"Yeah, Cindy Lou? How's that?"
"When you're in a good mood and aren't pissed at us, you call us by our real names. When you're really mad, you call us by our last names. Like "Mr. Gonzales". Then we know to watch out. Today, you're in a good mood."

Indeed.

Miss J, 234. Edgar, 0.

Background info:
In my classroom, I allow the students to use the word "crap." They cannot say "this assignment is crap" or "Miss J is a piece of crap," but they can use it as an expletive instead of the more vulgar varieties.

To be more honest, I let them use it because I use the word frequenty. Why? Crap is the perfect word to describe the quality of the mad scribblings I receive. Their assignments may not be crap... but the homework sure is.


Now, to get on to the real story.

My student Edgar and I battle verbally every day. He thinks he's going to outwit me, and gets thrown to the curb every time. Yet, I gotta give the kid credit. He's quite resilient. Plus, its just great to have a kid I can mess with. I don't have to worry about being sensitive or hurting his feelings-- we both know its just for fun. One of today's highlights:

This afternoon, Edgar was walking around with his shirt untucked. Imagine that.
So, I said "Edgar. Your shirt... looks like crap."
Edgar looked back at me with a sneer. "I thought crap was brown."
I let my gaze meet his eyes, and stared him down for a minute.

"Well, I guess your face looks like crap then."


OOOH DAAAAAAAAAAANG SHE GOT YOU!

His friends whooped and hollered. Edgar shook his head and tried to hide his laughter. I high fived one of my girls. Miss J 234, Edgar 0.

The Preposterous 3 P's

What a week! Not only did I have to have my pustulating (I'm going to go ahead and call that a real word) toe butchered by a sweet Indian doctor, but I've had to deal with three enormous pains in the neck. Drum roll please... Introducing the 3 P's!

(To shield their identities, I'm using only the first letter of each lovely darling's name. )


P3

J, my eternal shrugger (Doesn't know the answer. Sticks out his fat bottom lip. Shrugs his shoulders. Smirks. Rinse, and repeat.) decided today that it would be a really fantastic idea to wallop a kid right in the face! At lunch! The brilliance!

Now, granted, the punch-ee probably deserved it. He'd been verbally harassing one of my sweet students earlier in the day, J caught wind, and stuck up for his friend. POW! Right in the kisser. Then, of course, he gets sent to the office.

"J, what happened?"
J's response? He doesn't know. Sticks out his fat bottom lip. Shrugs his shoulders. Smirks. And then gets 3 days of out of school suspension for being idiotic. This is after, of course, writing gang signs in the bathroom, attempting to feel up several of my girls in class, and turning in no homework so far this year. Bravo!

I give you P3: The Puncher.



P2....

Meanwhile, T is in the computer lab, bouncing around like a lab rat on a cocktail of cocaine and caffeine. Normal behavior for him-- running across the room with scizzors, screaming at the top of his lungs, thumping his head against the wall, making incredibly realistic fart noises etc. The kid is a GRAND MASTER at the art of being truly obnoxious.

Today, he decided to go for the category of "Shock and Awe." So, instead of being his usual annoying self (though, to be fair, the kid is totally brilliant, so I can't hate on him too much), he decided to go on the internet during his math class, sneak past all of the various protectors and find some PORN!

Which he then showed to the entire class. Before his teacher found out (luckily, I was not his teacher during this subject, or he would have been killed and eaten by the school's pet jaguar.).
The best part? The porn was decidedly man on man. Great job! Nothing like some good old fashioned gay porn to make one's day brighter!

T then spent the rest of the day in the office pestering the amazing secretaries. No word as of yet if he is going to serve any sort of punishment. Even though it was obvious that he was the mastermind behind the scheme, he had somehow signed on under someone elses name... and so, they can't "prove" it was him. Genius.

So, introducing P2 in the far left corner..... The Pornographer!


AND..... Entering the arena for the very first time.... P1!

15 minutes before detention ended, R and half of the detainees decided to give my friend and fellow teacher, Ms. K, a run for her money. "We have to go to the bathroom," they whined. She rolled her eyes. Think they can leave detention early? Think again. She told them they could wait the 15 minutes.

R decided this wasn't fair. He wasn't going to sit around and wait. It was whack that he was in detention ANYWAY. So, with the cheering of the 14 others....

R walked to the back of the room, and peed all over Ms. K's floor.

I shit you not. Pee the floor he did. To the joy of the class, who applauded madly, and the total horror of Ms. K.

I give you contender #1-- The Pisser.

Stressed.

Glaze is better on ham than faces.

Yet, that's what I see... each morning. Glazed expressions. They're giving me nothing to work with. I don't know how to teach these kids math! I've done manipulatives, we've drawn and colored and explained and I've guided-guided-guided...and yet.... they still have no freaking clue what I'm talking about. 6 weeks later.

Is there something wrong with me? What can I do better?

Help! Help! Help!

Math can be, on occasion, hilarious.

How to get your kids to enjoy story problems:

Write them in!

Devin goes online and buys 2 movie tickets so he can take out this really cute 7^th grader he saw in Miss J’s class. Each movie ticket costs $5.75. Then, he buys her a bouquet of roses costing $29.90 and two fancy shirts with puffed sleeves, each priced at $20.25. How much does Devin spend before going on his big date?

UPDATE: As we were reading this story problem (written after Devin had, indeed, been checking out a 7th grader who came to visit me and I called him on it), the 7th grade girl came in again and the whole class EXPLODED! Poor Devin just sat there, holding his face in his hands, but underneath, I could see an enormous grin. Unfortunately, Devin's not the only one with 7th grade girl aspirations....

Edgar ditches class and asks out a totally smokin’ 7^th grade girl. She says she’ll only go out with him if he’ll buy her two tickets to see her favorite rap artist (Miss J, of course). Each ticket costs $18.50. She also wants three sparkly bracelets that each cost $23.25 and for him to get a haircut, which will cost $4.25.

If Edgar decides she’s worth it, how much will the girl cost him total?

If Edgar purchases everything at one store that has a 35% off sale, how much will he spend

With that amount, how much will the 35% off save him?

After the coupon, if that store has an 8% tax, what will his total be

UPDATE: This problem was given on a Thursday. Monday, Edgar came in... with a haircut. Thoughts, anybody?

4. Aaron is smart and knows that all the fabulous girls prefer brains to brawn, so he goes to the bookstore and buys seven books for $3.25 each. After reading them, he is even smarter and now can rely on his intelligence instead of his strength to try and impress other dude’s girlfriends. How much does Aaron spend?

UPDATE: Aaron apologized for threatening to beat up my man and taking me as his own. Good God.

Where's my Golden Lasso?

Is it a compliment that I ended up with the lowest of the low this year? I'm going to say "yes, yes it is." Because if not, I'm going to end up persuading myself that the principal hates my guts.

Demographics of my group:
18 ELL (English Language Learners) including....
4 monolingual
5 special ed, 2 tatted as possible SpEd candidates


Other classrooms include:
up to 6 ELL
up to 2 monolingual
1-2 special ed


AND to make matters even MORE fantastic... I am currently not allowed to tutor my kids after school. Isn't that great?! So, if I wanted to, I'd have to sneak them out Mission Impossible style armed with excuses as to why they are still at school ("I'm gonna tell her I just had really terrible diarrhea and was in the bathroom this long.") . I won't and I can't but... I wonder... what else is a girl to do?

Other than, of course, becoming Wonder Woman?

Plate Tectonics: Love Lost and Found

Well, the last rap was too high brow for my kids, so I decided to write something else that would be more at their level. But, what, exactly, is on the minds of 6th graders?

According to one note: "Hey, let's both get bathroom passes, then hang out till we meet some hot girls and ask them out."


Yep. Sounds about right.


Anyhow, since love seems to be the topic at hand, what better way to describe the movement of plate tectonics? Converging plates? Diverging plates? Laterally moving plates? Sounds JUST like young relationships to ME!

Now, to find the voice of an 11 year old..... Thinking insipid... thinking... horrible rhyming schemes.... GOT IT!


She:

Converging we come together
Earth is changing course forever
Mountains forming and I wonder
If this is love, then I hope it never

Fades from sight like silken rainbows
I see him, boom, boom my heart goes
A tingle sent straight down to my toes
Friends are all raising their eyebrows

So, throw me down to a volcano
Pele waits for me far below
Converging, always with me in tow
We’ll be together always I know.

He:

Ever since the day we met I’m
Breaking out into a cold sweat
Never having a peaceful moment
Always together, she’s never silent.

Love, love, love, its all that I hear
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear
Can’t wait to get her out of here
Go out with my boys when it’s clear

Let me divulge the divergent
Thoughts that I think and sentiment
Like the sea floor spreading sediment
She’s gotta go this very moment.

They:

Earthquake sliding them apart
Two different minds, one broken heart
What was so sweet is now so tart
A painted over piece of art

They see each other from a distance
She wonders if he ever misses
Her, he doesn’t need a missus
‘Fore he gets his driver’s license

Walk quickly avoiding glances
Always on these lateral dances
New girl on his arm, and she prances
On and on, so many new romances.


We'll try it out tomorrow.

Ahh, the Smell of Prepubescent Love

Teeny, tiny, 6th grade boy: "What's your boyfriend do, Miss J?"
Me:"He's an artist."
Boy: "Yeah? You should have him come here one time, and when he does, I'll beat him up and take you for my own!"
Boys in group: Erupt with frantic, red-faced laughter.

Oh, dear sweet violets.


Taken from one journal entry.

"Miss J, you are the best. I wish I could see you every day. Even on Saturday and Sundays. Those days are sad without you."


From another journal entry.

"Well, Miss J. You don't totally suck."


Ahh, young love.

On the Dot

I usually hate these stupid things, but they were so darn accurate...

You're Anne of Green Gables!

by L.M. Montgomery

Bright, chipper, vivid, but with the emotional fortitude of cottage
cheese, you make quite an impression on everyone you meet. You're impulsive, rash,
honest, and probably don't have a great relationship with your parents. People hurt
your feelings constantly, but your brazen honestly doesn't exactly treat others with
kid gloves. Ultimately, though, you win the hearts and minds of everyone that matters.
You spell your name with an E and you want everyone to know about it.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

You're a Gorilla!

Highly social and group-oriented, you like hanging out with the same
people constantly. Sleep is a big part of your daily
routine and you like to either make very loud noise or no noise at all. You have
more skills with language than most, however. One of your absolute favorite drinks
is hot cocoa.


Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

You're Madagascar!

Lots of people don't really know anything about you, making you
buried treasure of the rarest kind. You love nature, and could get lost in it
whenever possible. You're remote and exotic, and the few people who know you
value whatever they share with you a great deal. For some reason, you really
like the word "lemur".


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

An Actual Conversation with a Parent on the First Day

"Good morning! Can I help you?"

"Yes. We are looking for the teacher."

"In 615? That's me. I'm Miss J. Welcome!"

"What? Oh no, sweetie! I thought you were the student helper! You can't be more than 17!"

"Ha. No, I'm 24. Not even my first year of teaching. Your son is in good hands, I promise."

"I thought you were an eighth grader!"

"Well, I'll be very happy to hear that again when I'm 40."

"Well, dear, if you're sure..."

Sigh.

I miss my class from last year.

Even the kids that made me crazy.

Why? My new homeroom... is sadly without personality. Most of the girls are sweet, but without any moxie. The rest are just flirtatious but without any creativity. I have no faux nephews or Professors. I also have no glinting eyed mischevious instigators. Just... a group of weirdos that whisper to each other but don't participate. What IS that?!

Luckily, my second class is full of energy and craziness. They come in shouting raucous greetings but INSTANTLY settle down when I need them to. They participate and ask good questions and MOST of them actually do their homework. AMAZING! With the exception of a couple of girls that seem to have their Bitch Highlighters on... they're fabulous. I miss them when they leave.

A handful of my old students visit me... but a couple of my favorites don't! Its heartbreaking. Sigh. I feel like a mom whose kids went off to school. Only, I'm still at school with them.

The Water Cycle, Yo.

Kids don't get as much poetry as they should. Also, they think they don't like poetry. BUT, they like rap.

So, to build their vocabularies, and to enhance their poetry analyzing skillz (yes, with a z), I used a water cycle "rap" to knock their socks off. You ready for this?

Ah-hem.

Precipitation births every nation
Warm, wet rain without consternation
Flora and fauna, bursting with elation
While the people rain dance
Below the constellations

Wishing for a desert aberration
For sleet, snow, hail there’s no occupation
See the rain come down like liquid lamination
While the cacti expand in slow animation

Heat beats down and evaporation
Turns wetness to a vapory creation
Till the cool clouds come and
End their vacations
Creating dew & droplet unification

Condensation in isolation
Where the heat meets cold in great determination
Think of it as steam simplification
Yeah, the mist clumps up in great harmonization

Precipitation, cloud perforation
Water falls fast without coordination
And it all cycles on without discrimination
To the water cycle, I make this dedication.

Kids were pounding out beats on their desks and cracking up at this white girl from the midwest rhyming fast and furious. One kid actually shouted out "Daaaaaaaamn, Miss J!"
That's RIGHT.

Of course, another had to pipe in "Rap artists don't use such big words." YEAH WELL, they do if they're INTELLIGENT. Shoot. Now I have to go find some intelligent hip hop to prove them wrong....

Later, as I read some of my kids water cycle booklets, I saw one kid had written condensation as "condomsation". Well, just can't beat that, can ya?

P.p.s. Freedom Writers

Last thing, I swear.

Yesterday, Erin Gruwell (sp?), the teacher behind the Freedom Writer's fame, came to speak to our entire district! Woah! How crazy is that?

She was totally inspiring and a surprisingly hilarious speaker. I sat there thinking.... I could do what she did. I could do something incredible and have my story made into books and movies.

Now I just have to figure out what that thing IS.

Any ideas?

P.s.

Also, I don't know if I mentioned... but for the 200 multiple choice questions I had to answer for my Arizona State testing....

I got a perfect score.

BOOYAH!

I think even Yoda would be proud.

Mucho Dinero

For the last three days, I've been attending meetings, setting up my classroom, and going insane. School starts... MONDAY!
The upside? My classroom looks fricken gorgeous. Pictures will soon follow, I promise.

The other good news? I'm 98% sure I'm going to be the sole team leader next year. That means... MORE MONEY! (And...more responsibility... but how great is it that I can put that on my resume already?)

Also, I'm on the school improvement/leadership team. That means.... MORE MONEY!

AND, I'm running student council (which, ironically, I know nothing about. But it is better than running *cough* cheerleading) with a totally sweet 8th grade teacher (and by "sweet" I mean "cute" and "male"). And you know what that means....

MORE MONEY! (You better not be thinking anything pervy either.)

And lastly, while not related to monies... I get to teach SCIENCE, MATH and HISTORY!

Heck yes!

It is going to be a kick-ass year.

Next Year

Next year...

I'll be teaching the following:

1. Language! -- a scripted, phonics-based program
2. Language Arts -- using reading strategies, writing
3. Ancient History

The good things: Only 2 lessons to plan each day! 60 kids a day instead of 30-- so if a kid makes me bonkers, I don't have to deal with him/her all day long. Less stress. More time for after school clubs. Team teaching means more collaboration.

The bad things: Only 2 lessons a day! Repetitive lessons can get boring. I'll miss teaching science and math. 60 kids now rely on me to teach them how to read. EEK!


Also, fantastically, I've been chosen to be part of the leadership team, to lead our 6th grade team, and to start the drama club.

Booyah!

I'm so glad not to have 1st year status anymore.

New Pet

Yesterday, I acquired a new pet. And then I killed it.

Say what?!

Let me explain.

I walked into my bedroom just in time to see a creature scampering across my carpet.
Well, let's be honest.
It wasn't scampering. It was scurrying. I had flipped on the light and it wasn't happy about it. It twitched its little antennae. And then fled behind my shoe rack.

A ROACH!!! I was horrified. I whipped out a Shaniqua-like voice and said
"Oh hell no! Not in MY house!"

Snap, snap, snap.

I sprayed the repugnant demon with Windex, then my magnificent cat cornered him for me and pawed him into submission. Then, I scooped up the horrific little bastard into a yogurt cup and maniacally laughed as he swirled down my toilet bowl. I imagined his tiny, crackly, roach-voice screaming. Which made me feel better because my internal, crackly, girl-voice had been screaming moments earlier.

Now don't get me wrong, I love creatures. Snakes are fabulous, slimy worms are fun. I'm okay with spiders. Mosquitoes are annoying, but I can deal with them. Ants-- a minor irritant. Scorpions are kind of terrifying, but fascinating. But roaches?! To the toilet!

I don't care if they're Miracles of Evolution (is that an oxymoron?). If Mr. Roach comes into my house, and he's history.

Ancient history.
Atlantis's history.
Down into the water you go.

What I learned at my teaching conference...

So, after attending a teaching convention for five days I learned a lot of things.

1. You've got to feel psychologically safe before you can participate in group work.
2. Most people look at data the wrong way, and thus, feel judged by it.
3. A room full of teachers and administrators is both a wonderous and terrifying place.
4. Teachers really do have the best stories.

Such as....

Earlier this year, a bunch of 5th grade boys on my campus found a bag.
Filled with sex toys.
Used sex toys.
And the receipt was still in the bag.

Can't beat that, can you?


.

Wonderful Things #1

Wonderful things about living in Arizona:

1. You get to live in 100+ degree heat. Today, I was lucky. Today, I experienced 106 degree weather. I say "weather" because its the only thing that changes from day to day. Tomorrow, its likely to be 108. Then later, 110. Sunny. No clouds. No humidity. Just varying degrees of eyeball- scorching heat. What's sad is that I can tell when its above 110. Then, its truly miserable.

Thermometers here should read:
Warm.
Warmer.
Surprisingly, yet Comfortably, Hot.
Eyebrow-Raising Hot.
Can't Walk on Concrete without Burning your Feet Hot.
Don't Bother Driving-- your Car is an Oven, Hot.
Don't Bother Leaving your Apartment at all Hot.
Eyebrow-Burning Hot.
Tears Evaporate Hot.
Magma Evaporates Hot.
Depths of Hell Hot.

At least they have named places down here accordingly.
Tempe. That's an easy one. Tempe is just a shortened form for TEMPERATURE. As in, you'll feel like you've got one as soon as you enter the city. No, sir. That's not a bbq. That's your own skin you smell burning. And I'll bet you taste just like chicken... or maybe not a chicken... maybe a.....

Phoenix. What is a phoenix, you ask? Why, its a bird rising from the ashes after it had BURST INTO FLAME. Mmm. Delicous.

Peoria. Now, here's a toughie. Luckily, I've got insider eyes. Originally, settlers came from Peoria, IL and settled in the NW Phoenix area. Like those settlers, I too migrated from Peoria. So, I can guess as to their motivations-- Peoria, IL is a hellhole. Those poor bastards trekked 1,700 miles and, I'm guessing, stopped when they were struck by beauty. Both Peorias are pretty-- no argument there.
However pretty, both have their own distinct dangers. In IL? A symphony of sirens and gunshots. Here you've got the scorching sun, stabbing cacti instead of trees, post-apocalyptic rubble instead of grass, snipers and car thieves a plenty.

Famous last words? "But, it is a DRY heat, honey!"



.

Brainsnot

Well, my brain has officially turned into snot. I think the Egyptians were right in their theory... mine could easily be taken out with a hook and thrown away.

Today, I spent roughly 7 hours trying to prove to the state that I'm not completely incompetent. Two tests, professional aptitude and content. Six pages of essay, two hundred extremely wordy multiple choice questions later... and my brain is mush. After a while, the words were starting to swim in front of my eyes. Sweet little backstrokes.

I had forgotten how wretched standardized testing is, and how easy it is to feel like "screw it, I'm tired, I don't care anymore!" Hopefully I'll remember this next year, and can help my poor students better when they have to run the gamut.

In a couple weeks, I'll let you know if I passed. Now, its time to pass out. Sayonara, folks!

Final Bell

The bell rang today.

And my kids all stood still, turned to statues by the sound that usually sent them scurrying to their seats. They stood still. Then, some of them started to cry. And then, they all began to hug each other.

They wouldn't leave. My divas, my trouble-makers, my clowns all coagulating in the middle of my room.

Some days are exhausting, but I love my kids and my job. I am so proud of everything they've learned. The worst part, by far, is seeing them walk out my door.

Sadako gets her Wish

When I was in 5th grade, a woman named Ako Hotehama visited us from Japan. She taught us the story of Sadako, and showed us how to fold paper cranes. My class folded as many as we could (I folded hundreds by myself), and sent them back with her to place at the Children's Monument in Hiroshima. I never did know whatever became of Ako or the cranes.

Then, this summer, I had the opportunity to go to Hiroshima. I remembered the story of Sadako, and as I stood by the monument, I started to tear up. I only had 75 cranes to offer this time-- not the hundreds I'd made in the past-- but it was something.

Fast forward to the current time. My students have read Sadako's story. They've read all about everything from the Treaty of Versailles to the Manhattan Project. They can tell you all about the horrors of war. And they, like myself, wanted to make Sadako's wish come true.

As of yesterday, we did it-- we folded 1,000 cranes. Over a thousand, actually.

So, I'm sending them to Japan. Stringing them in garlands of a hundred, packing them in a box, and shipping them to Sadako's monument.

My students are leaving hundreds upon hundreds of messages of hope and peace, and even more importantly-- they can become part of something bigger. When the cranes reach Japan, our class information will be put in the national registry, and my students will forever be able to look up our class and, for once, be proud of something that's left the classroom instead of just something that happens within it.

My Lack of Maturation

So, today, we had the "Maturation Assemblies."
Translation: the girls and boys of 6th grade got to learn about... PUBERTY! Woo! FUN!

(Side note: I really hate when people pronounce the word "poo-ber-ty," don't you?)

I thought I was going to be stuck with all the girls, listening about the joys of menstruation, but instead, I had the rare opportunity to babysit a group of young lads who didn't have their permission slips signed (which made me laugh-- the kids weren't responsible enough to hand in a slip about maturing? Ha! Sweet irony.).

Anyhow, next door to me, the boys were having their nice little chat.

I figured that it would start with an educational movie, circa 1970, then, I don't know, a little discussion in which the boys wouldn't say anything and the teacher would tiptoe around the subject as much as possible.

INSTEAD....I hear the gym teacher, bellowing in his militant voice, something like, "Why do we all LAUGH when we hear the word PENIS? ITS NOT FUNNY. Its not a JOKE."

Nice opener, sport.

I can already tell that I'm going to need a distraction to keep myself from laughing. Its not so much the subject material, but the way Mr. Clearly-Compensating-for-Something is speaking.
I can't tell all of what's being said next door, but every once in a while, an ennunciated word seeps through..... "blur blur blur EJACULATION!"

I pull an enormous novel out of my bookbag. The boys in my room have work to do, but their eyes are fixed on me. I musn't react! I musn't react! I pull the novel in front of my face so they can't see my expression. I bite the sides of my cheeks, and I hear...

"and that's when you get an ERECTION!"

Oh, sweet lord. My smirk turns to a smile and threatens to break, and then the gym teacher screams...

"You get a little WOOD!"

The entire class next door cracks up, I chortle along with them. Oh, sweet release.

Sex ed certainly has changed a lot from when I was in 6th grade.

That's it.

I have 9 days left.

I'm completely and utterly burnt out... yet I can't believe the year is over.

My 6th Graders Rock.

News:

I'm teaching a group of kids high school/college level cellular biology. To be more specific: DNA replication (and they better spell deoxyribonucleic acid correctly!), transcription, translation, cloning, mutations, genetically enhanced foods, Watson/Crick/Franklin etc etc etc.

I was told by someone close to me "There's no way you can make that fun."

HELL YES I CAN!

We made DNA out of pipe cleaners and beads. We have a DNA cheer. We have a chromosome dance. We made amino acid necklaces (by using transcription and translation, of course). We discuss the possibility of being your own sister and mother (cloning, of course).....

Next week, we're going to discuss genetics, do some punnet squares, and do some genetic engineering of our own and "create" some chimeras out of clay.

SO THERE!

One of my girls told me a couple days ago that this year was the FIRST YEAR SHE'S HAD SCIENCE OR HISTORY.

AHHHH!!!!

What an incredible disservice! My kids LOVE science. My kids LOVE history. They're both so damn fascinating-- the content.... they NEED the content! Sigh.


Yesterday I said "How many of you thought history would be or WAS boring previously to this year?"
All my kids raised their hands.
"How many of you like history?" All of my kids raised their hands.

Aww yeah.

How many 6th graders do you know who love talking about Josef Mengele and WWII battles and the Hindenburg?

Berlin Wall? Check. Cold War? Treaty of Versailles? Conscription? Reconaissance? Harry Truman? FDR? Greer Incident? Kristallnacht? Night of Long Knives? Auschwitz's Block 11?

They've got it all, baby.

I love my job.

Success!

This week, we had conferences. My kids are starting to slack off (end-of-the-year-itis), thus, many of the grades had dropped. I was expecting irate parents, but this is what I got...

"My daughter comes home from school, and she WON'T stop talking about WWII. She sits there, telling her brother everything that is going on, and neither one of them will go to bed!"

"Lately, my daughter's been on the computer a LOT. I expected that she was on myspace or some silly thing, but every time I checked... it was Wikipedia. She was researching WWI and WWII. She told me all sorts of things I knew nothing about... Josef Mengele, the Munich Agreement, the Manhattan Project... I couldn't believe it. I never even learned any of that stuff."

"My son knows more about science than his older sister, and she's a far better student. His head is full of facts, and I can't even pronounce the names of the organelles he keeps talking about."

"Last year, my daughter was almost failing all subjects. This year... she's excited to go to school, and she comes home full of new facts to share. She even likes math!"

Kids talking to their parents about what they learned in school??! Kids researching at home just because they want to know more?!?!

I have done my job.

Student Accomplishments...

Some things our students have done this year....

1. Learned all the countries in Asia and the Middle East.
2. Explained the causes and effects of both WWI and WWII.
3. Defined mutual symbiosis, photosynthesis, bioluminescence, eutrophication, condensation, evaporation, precipitation.
4. Brought brass knuckles to school.
5. Learned how to write Chinese characters.
6. Learned how to fold paper cranes.
7. Learned the basics of American Sign Language.
8. Formed gangs.
9. Stole all of my crayons.
10. Performed plays about the dynasties of China.
11. Written their own fractured fairy tale plays.
12. Effectively used the words conniption, chaos, pandemonium, cerulean, alliteration, onomatopoeia, idiom, simile, dilapidated, aye-aye, serene, atrocious, oryx and more.
13. Stole my rubber bands, glue, notebooks, pencils, candy, pens, markers.
14. Described the steps of mummification.
15. Described the functions of plant and animal cell organelles.
16. Brought in razor blades and threatened other students.
17. Learned all of the names of the bones, functions of bones, bone diseases and bone production.
18. Mastered fractions, decimals, story problems, basic algebra.
20. Put porn on their cell phones.
21. Made me laugh until I cried.

It has been a good year.

What do YOU know about WWI?

Here's the WWI test my kids have to take tomorrow. Can you pass?

1. ____ U-boats were created by the:

1. French
2. Italians
3. Britons
4. Germans
5. Belgiums
6. Americans

2. ____ Dangerous area between trenches:

1. Trenches
2. Frontal assault
3. Reconnaissance
4. No Man’s Land
5. Total War
6. Grenade

3. ____ Large, metal air balloon also called a dirigible.
   

1. dynamite
2. zeppelin
3. submarine
4. tank
5. chemical warfare
6. machine gun

4. ____ Country that succeeded at using chemical warfare.

1. America
2. Britain
3. Germany
4. France
5. Armenia
6. Belgium

5. ____ Country that failed at using chemical warfare, killing 60,000 of their own men.

1. America
2. Britain
3. Germany
4. France
5. Armenia
6. Belgium

6. ____ Another word for spying….

1. Reconnaissance
2. Conscription
3. Assassination
4. Genocide
5. Dirigible
6. Shrapnel

7. ____ Another term for “the draft”…..

1. Reconnaissance
2. Conscription
3. Assassination
4. Genocide
5. Dirigible
6. Shrapnel

8. ____ The killing of an entire group of people

1. Reconnaissance
2. Conscription
3. Assassination
4. Genocide
5. Dirigible
6. Shrapnel

9. ____ The entire country of people that was killed

1. American
2. Britain
3. Germany
4. France
5. Armenia
6. Belgium

10. ____ The document that officially ended the war

1. 14 points
2. Treaty of Versailles
3. The Big Three
4. Consignment
5. First Amendment
6. Espionage Act

B. Name the country each person is from!

1. Eugene Debs ___________________________________________________________
2. Kaiser William II ___________________________________________________________
3. Tsar Nicholas II ___________________________________________________________
4. Woodrow Wilson ___________________________________________________________
5. Georges Clemenceau ___________________________________________________________
6. Archduke Franz Ferdinand ___________________________________________________________
7. Rasputin ___________________________________________________________
8. Sophia ___________________________________________________________
9. Alexandra (2) ___________________________________________________________
10. Vladimir Lenin ___________________________________________________________
11. Gavrilo Princip ___________________________________________________________
12. Red Baron __________________________________________________________

D. Match the name to the action of the person. People can be used more than once!

1. Leader of Russia & head of the Bolshevik party. _____________________________________
2. Nicknames: Holy devil, mad monk _____________________________________
3. Had a messed up hand, German. _____________________________________
4. Member of the Black Hand Society. _____________________________________
5. Ruler of Germany during WWI. _____________________________________
6. Secret club that was behind the assassination of the heir of the Austro-Hungarian throne. _____________________________________

7. Ruler of Russia who was killed in his basement.
8. Was thrown into prison for speaking against the war. _____________________________________
9. Was assassinated with his wife after the driver had taken a wrong turn. _____________________________________

10. Had 80 kills, was killed in a dogfight. _____________________________________
11. Was said to have supernatural, healing powers. _____________________________________
12. Leader of France who signed Treaty of Versailles _____________________________________
13. President of the United States _____________________________________
14. Wife of Tzar Nicholas _____________________________________
15. Got himself a sandwich, and then shot and killed a very important person. _____________________________________

E. Short Answer. Give a sentence or two to explain

1. Give me two facts about the Battle of Somme.

2. Give me two facts about the Battle of Verdun.

3. What is a POW?

4. Why did America finally enter WWI?

5. What was the Espionage Act?

F. Essay. Explain in several sentences.

1.E xplain Belgium’s role in WWI. (In your sentence, make sure you include Britain, France and Germany)

2. Explain the arms race and how it contributed to WWI. (Words to include: HMS Dreadnaught, Germany, Britain, allies)

3. Explain Rasputin’s relationship with Alexandra and how it contributed to the death of the Romanov family.

4. Explain why the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne was shot and what it caused. (Words to include: annex, Black Hand Society)

G. Map: Label the following countries.
Germany

Austria

Hungary

Turkey

Armenia

Italy

United Kingdom

Russia

Spain

France

Bosnia

Belgium

Extra Credit (1 pt each)

Norway

Sweden

Finland

Croatia

Ireland

Iceland

Denmark

Greece

Moldova

ETC.

NOTE: They also have the match the faces with the names of all of the people from part B!

Sweet Nothings

The other day, one of my students said something really sweet to me. Ready for it?

"Miss J, nothing you say is important."

Isn' t that sweet? Made my day.

Dem Bones

We were learning about the bones. I was in front of the class saying things like "put your phalanges on your clavicles and move your mandibles!," when Rico (real name not Rico, but he thinks he's reaaaal suave) said, glimmer in his eye...

"Miss J! Does a boy's private part have a bone in it?"

Oh hell.

"Nope!" I said and kept going. "Knock your patellas together! Roll your scapulas! Put your carpals on your cranium!"

"But, I saw in this movie, that this girl BROKE..."

"Go home and talk to your parents about it! Now bend your patellas to your sternum and place your metacarpals on your mandible!"

"But why else would they call it a bone--"

"What-two-bones-make-up-your-skull?" I interrupted.

"MANDIBLE AND CRANIUM," screamed the class.

Rico was quiet. Crisis averted.

The Not so Good

Student #1:

Large, St. Bernard puppy of a student. Might have ADHD. Very intelligent, but also very disruptive. Suspended for nearly two weeks because he was fiendishly wielding a razor blade. Not the kind that you shave with, with the nice little plastic handle. Nope. Just the blade. 'Bout 3 inches long, 1 inch wide. Sharp and pointy and full of tetanus on all sides. Was reported to have calmly dragged it across several students' skins before anyone had to guts to tell me. Best friend of....


Student #2:

Incredibly intelligent. Incredibly charasmatic. Is speeding helter-skelter, ass-over-tea kettle to a life of desperation and depravity. Won't do his work. Doesn't care when he makes other kids cry. Says "I don't care if I end up in jail, long as I don't get raped." Makes "fortune tellers" whose fortunes include "ur a virgin," "ur gay," "ur gonna be a daddy soon," "ur hard," and "ur pregnant." Who likes to hang out with....


Student #3:
Also very intelligent. Problem? She's too comfortable with me. Was given a referral for grabbing my arm, and screaming "GET OVER HERE!" at me, instead of raising her hand and asking for help. Last week slapped a kid in the face as hard as she could, then got mad at ME when consequences were handed out.

All three have ENORMOUS potential. Great memories, great intelligence, great people skills. But they just don't seem to care if they end up with crappy lives. Even though they SEE it day to day, they still don't think it will happen to them. And you can tell them a thousand times that if they follow the same path they'll get to the same place, but it doesn't really matter.

China in Less than 10 Minutes

My kids just took their final China exam, and BOY was I thrilled-- 12 got 100% or better! 9 had 75-94%. How awesome is that? I was very pleased. All but about 6 students can name 21 Asian countries. Can you? Check your skills at...

http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/Asian_Geography.htm
Click Level 1 and see how well you do. :)

Next week, we will (sans scripts) perform a play I wrote for them. Some of you expressed interest in reading it, so here it is! (Be warned... I have 6th grade humor...)

A History of China... In Less than 10 Minutes

Part 1: Shang Dynasty

Narrator: Around 4,000 years ago, the Shang ruler had a problem. Would he get a date to the big dance?

Shang Leader: Oh no, oh no. Nobody will go out with me! What will I do?! ...I know! I’ll consult the Oracle! Oh Oracle! Oracle!!!!

Oracle: (exasperated) Now what?

Shang: Will you go with me to the dance?

Oracle: Not a chance.

Shang Leader: Well then… who will?

Oracle: (rolls eyes) Do you need me to consult the bones again?

Shang Leader: Yes!

Oracle: Call in the turtles! And the oxen! And the slaves!

Turtle, Oxen, Slaves: (walk in and are killed. Fall to the floor.)

Oracle: There. Now we can stab their bones with a metal prod and tell the future.

Turtle, Oxen, Slaves: This sucks.

Shang leader: Well, well?! What’s it say?

Oracle: (prodding turtle) It says…. That the only person who’d go with you... is your mother.

Shang: Awwwww!!! It’s got to say more than that!

Oracle: Acutally, it does. It also says that one day; people will grind up these bones and use them for medicine!

Shang: They’ll WHAT?!

Oracle: Yeah! They’ll think they’re from dragons. Isn’t that hilarious?

Slave: Yeah, almost as funny as Shang here dating his mother.

Shang: Why I oughta…

Slave: Hey, I’m already dead!

Oracle: Woah. You’re never going to believe this!

Shang: What else?!

Oracle: They also stick super thin needles into themselves for healing! They call it… acupuncture!

Shang: No way!

Oracle: They also turn their hilly farmlands into steps so there’s more room for the plants to grow.

Shang: Finally, a good idea!

Narrator: 4,000 years later, there were some seriously freaked out farmers.

Farmer: What the heck? Why is there a bone in my field of steps? Ah! Here’s another one! I know, they must be from DRAGONS! But look, there’s writing on them! … I didn’t know dragons could write!!! Woah!

Turtle: What an idiot.

Part 2: Qin Dynasty

Narrator: After the Shang Dynasty ended, a man named Qin Shi Huangdi took over.

Qin: I am Qin Shi Huangdi! And I am taking over!!!

Narrator: I just said that.

Qin: Oh. Well, I am taking over! All of China! And I will name it after myself! Qin-China! Get it? (nudges Narrator with elbow) AND I will be the greatest! AND I will not date my mother!

Narrator: Um… why would you do that?

Qin: No idea.

Narrator: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Qin: What’s that?

Narrator: You’re also going to be the first emperor of China.

Qin: Oh yeah! That’s true. I’m awesome. You know what else I’m going to do? I’m gonna kick Confucius out. That dude’s too peaceful. I don’t like him. (narrator leaves, scholar enters)

Scholar: Um, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

Qin: No? You don’t? Are you disagreeing with me?

Scholar: Um… yeah?

Qin: I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Scholar: AHHH! (dies) (doctor enters)

Doctor: Qin—you need to calm down. Here, take your medicine.

Qin: Much better. Now as I was saying, that Confucius has GOT to go. He keeps going on and on about education. Who wants to go to school? Pfft. (scholar 2 enters, doctor exits)

Scholar #2: Actually, I think that would be a great idea. See, look in this book of his. Its called the “Analects”

Qin: Let me see that. Ha! I take your book! And I burn it! Burn, book, burn!

Scholar #2: What did you do that for?!! You idiot!

Qin: What did you call me?! I am a genius! I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Scholar #2: Ahhh! (dies) (enter doctor)

Doctor: Qin, you’re still not calm. Here, take some more medicine.

Qin: Oh, thank you. This stuff should make me live forever. Now where was I? (doctor exits, narrator enters)

Narrator: You forgot to mention your terracotta army.

Qin: Oh yes! Oh, Master Sculptor!

Sculptor: (enters with two totally still army men/sculptures) What?

Qin: You finish sculpting all 8,000 of my army men yet?

Sculptor: Yup! Just finishing the last two. There! Done! So, what museum are we going to put these in?

Qin: Museum! I’m going to bury them with me so they protect me!

Sculptor: What?! All of my hard work is going to be buried?! You must be insane!

Qin: What?! What did you just say! I bury you alive! Die, scholar, die!

Sculptor: I’m a sculptor. Not a scholar. (enter doctor)

Doctor: Oh, Qin, please. Take your medicine.

Qin: Oh, thank you. (enter slave)

Slave: Um, Emperor Qin, the first large section of you wall is done being built. Using pounded earth isn’t working very well. I think it’s going to erode away really quickly. Don’t you think rock would be better?

Qin: What do you know? You’re just a slave! Now….ACK!!! (Qin dies)

Slave: What were in those pills?

Doctor: Mercury. Guess it doesn’t make you live forever after all.

Part 3: Han Dynasty

Narrator: Not long after Qin died of mercury poisoning, his 17 children mysteriously died, and a new emperor came into power. His name was Gaozu.

Gaozu: (sitting peacefully in lotus position, humming) Ommmm. Ommmm.

Narrator: Uh, Gaozu. Aren’t you going to rule.

Gaozu: Oh, I am. I am going to rule peacefully, just as Confucius said. (goes back to humming)

Narrator: Confucius, did you say that?

Confucius: (proudly) Yeah, I did. I also said that you should treat other people as you would want to be treated. And I thought of the idea of filial piety, which means that children should respect their elders!

Narrator: (dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, yeah. You’re pretty special, aren’t you?

Confucious: Hey, aren’t you a woman?

Narrator: Um.. yeah.

Confucius: Then, what are you doing here! You should be at home, making dinner!

Narrator: What?! Excuse me?! That’s it. I quit!

Confucius: And you, Gaozu, you should be making schools. And getting an education!

Gaozu: (still humming with eyes closed) Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Hmmm.

Narrator: In a few decades, a new emperor came along. His name was Wudi.

Confucius: I thought you quit.

Narrator: Yeah well, someone has to do this job. Hey Wudi, don’t leave me alone with this guy!

Wudi: This guy? Confucius is the bomb, man! He’s got the knowledge to make us great.

Confucius: Yeah! See? Now, go make me a sandwich.

Narrator: What did you just say to me?! That’s it. I’m out of here. For real this time.

Wudi: (as she stomps off) Will you make me one too, please?

Narrator: (screams)

Wudi: Well, now that she’s gone.. I’ve got work to do. We’ve got to open up some schools, and see what the inventors are up to. Hey, Main Inventor! Come here!

Inventor: (bows deeply) Yes, my great emperor?

Wudi: What do you have to show us?

Inventor: Well, I took the pulp from a mulberry tree and made paper.

Wudi: Um, didn’t the Egyptians do that already?

Inventor: Not to correct you, oh magnanimous leader, but they made theirs with papyrus.

Wudi. Oh. What else?

Inventor: I also invented a seismograph.

Wudi: A what?

Inventor: A seismograph. It tells you when an earthquake hits, and from where.

Wudi: Nice idea. Anything else?

Inventor: Oh yeah. I unraveled the silk from the silkworm’s cocoon and made cloth. The ladies looove it.

Silkworms: (Run through, covering themselves) AHHH! WE’RE NAKED!!!

Wudi: What are we going to do with all of this stuff?

Narrator: Trade it for other things on the Silk Road. People will come all the way from Europe just to buy it.

Wudi: Didn’t you quit twice?

Narrator: Yes. But I can tell when I’m needed. (sweetly) Hey, Confuuuuucius. I made you a saaaandwich!

Confucius: You did? How sweet! (takes bite) Mmm. OH NO!! MERCURY! (Grabs throat and dies).

Narrator: See?

Wudi: Remind me never to make you mad.

Part 4: Yuan Dynasty

Narrator: Years passed and to the North, an army was growing. This army of nomadic Mongolian tribesmen were led by one great man—Genghis Khan.

Genghis: Huns.

Narrator: Who you callin’ hun?

Genghis: No. Huns. Nomadic Mongolian Tribesmen. You can just say Huns. It’s easier.

Narrator. Oh. Thanks! Anyhow. Genghis united all of the Huns and created one of the hugest empires the world had ever seen!

Genghis: That’s right!

Narrator: Too bad he got old and couldn’t take over China like he wanted to.

Genghis: Hey, at least I didn’t think mercury could make me live forever.

Narrator: Very true. Now, as I was saying. Genghis got old, and his grandson, Kublai Khan had to take over.

Kublai Khan: (doing jumping jacks in place) yeah! One more country! One more country! One more country!

Narrator: (in reporter tone) So, Kublai, how did you do it? How did you take over China?

Kublai: (jogging in place) Easy. It’s all about repetition. You know. Doing the same thing over and over. We attacked and attacked and attacked, and eventually, wore them down!

Narrator: Can you explain WHY you wanted to attack?

Kublai: Sure. We were living on the steppe—this dry grassy area where nothing really grows. We needed to trade with China, but they wouldn’t trade with us. So we decided to take them over and just TAKE what we wanted!

Narrator: How do the Chinese like being ruled by a Mongolian?

Kublai: They love me! I build all sorts of new roads for them.

Road Builder: You stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: (ignoring him) And I rebuilt the Grand Canal—which is kind of like a man made river.

Grand Canal Worker: You stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: AND, we all started using paper money!

Banker: You REALLY stink, Mongolian!

Kublai: And I give them religious freedom. Yep, I’d say they love me!

Poor Farmer Mom: Yeah, but you take all of my crops to buy yourself nice things!

Poor Farmer Dad: Yeah! We’re starving! You stink so much, I can smell you in Russia! Go home, Mongolian!

Narrator: (sarcastically) Yes… it seems they really do love you.

Part 5: Ming Dynasty

Narrator: (to poor farmers) Hey, can you believe that guy?

Poor Mother Farmer: He’s awful. Thinks he can just prance in here and rule? Ha!

Poor Father Farmer: In the meantime, we’ve got nothing to eat! What are we going to feed our son? Kublai is still taking all of our food!

Zhu: Yeah! I’m hungry.

Narrator: The next day….

Zhu: Hey mom, I’m hungry!

Narrator: The next day…

Zhu: Hey mom? Mom? I’m hungry…. You know what? That’s it. This Kublai’s going down. I need some FOOD.

Narrator: So, Zhu, the poor, starving farmer, rounded up some of his friends—the Red Turbans.

Zhu: Hey! You guys hungry?

Red Turbans: Yeah.

Zhu: You want food?

Red Turbans: Yeah!!

Zhu: (even more excitedly) You like the color red?

Red Turbans: YEAH!

Zhu: Excellent. Let’s go kick Kublai Khan out of China.

Red Turbans: (jumping up and down) Hooray!!

Narrator: In no time at all, Zhu and his Red Turbans kicked Kublai Khan back to Mongolia.

Red Turban #1: Hey, now we need an emperor! I think it’ll be me!

Red Turban #2: No! I want to be emperor!

Red Turban #1: My turban’s redder than yours.

Red Turban #2: No it isn’t! My turban’s redder than YOURS!

Zhu: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let’s not fight. Everyone knows that I get to be emperor.

Red Turbans: They do?

Zhu: They do.

Red Turban #1: Well, if that’s true, what do you do that’s so great?

Zhu: (proud of himself) I make some totally awesome pottery.

Red Turban #2: (incredulously) You make PLATES?

Zhu: And bowls. They’re blue and white. Very pretty. Made of porcelain, like toilets!

Red Turban #1: WHAT?

Zhu: And vases! Don’t forget vases. Ming vases are FAMOUS.

Prince: (runs through) OH NO!! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED BY NOMADIC MONGOLIAN TRIBESMEN! HELP! HELP!

Zhu: Huns.

Red Turban #2: Who are you callin’ hun?

Zhu:You know, these Mongolians are a real pain. I think we should build a 4,000 mile wall around China. You want to go start building it?

Red Turbans: US? Build a 4,000 mile wall?

Zhu: Sure! That’d be great! Great friends to build a great wall. Who else can I trust to do it right?

Red Turban #1: Sure. We’ll start. Right after we drink some of this mercury.

THE END!