Instability

My job status is roughly the same as the status of the Sasquatch, or Nessie. Or, for that matter, Bozo the clown. Whatever happened to him?


*grumble grumble*


I hate this. I thought that all of the old people (you know, the ones who are 45.... I kid! I kid! Don't kill me!) were going to retire and leave this gaping space in the job market... but that's not happening! They're hanging on! I think they're doing it out of spite. That, or I'm just cranky.

Woah. Okay. My house is shaking due to a storm. That's a sign to get offline. *sigh* How I hate instability. Pretty soon, it'll be no house and no job. Upside? Maybe the house will land on a witch and I'll get some pretty shoes out of it. Okay. It's off to bed with me.

Peace out, yo.

Miz J

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #7 "Fredrick Turns Evil"

To begin with, I was at home watching t.v. Well, actually, I was watching Jeremy on t.v. I had a a video camera hidden at McDonalds, I knew Jeremy would be there. Then, I see Fredrick there. Jeremy grabbed him, translated power into him, and he was evil now!

I yelled "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" until I got hungry and made ridiculous chicken fried eyeballs with sprinkles. Then I went to McDonalds, and I heard "Can I have a 91, 46, 8, 3, 19, 29, 74, 66, 7 to go, with fries?" It was Trent trying to get skinny to defeat me.

I went to the bathroom and fell down a hole. It was their trap! They shot me when I got down the hole, but lucky for me, I was wearing an Imaginary Vest. Then Fredrick bit my ear off! I took it from him and grabbed my taco, then gave it back.

I was getting defeated, but then Miss J came and said "It's time to Rumble!" She was trying out forwrestling. She body slammed Jeremy through a taco. Then I grabbed Fredrick and gave him Good Power. Then he poked Jeremy in the eye. Jeremy went home crying and Trent was thinking of Sara instead of Cate now! Oh no!

Fredrick got a girlfriend. It was a gummy worm. And I sat in the house all week because the Roli Polis were having Marti Graw in my front yard.


P.s. Miss J turned country.


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Okay, so this story wasn't as cohesive... but Roli Polis having "Marty Graw" in his front yard? That's hilarious. When I got to that part I burst out laughing. Of course, then I got to "Miss J turned country" and the laughter stopped. There are a lot of crazy things I'd do, but turn country? Never!!

I'm Famous!

Okay, so I'm not really famous. BUT, my picture is in my school's newspaper AND there's an article written about me by two of my students. It's even complimentary. Now, for your viewing pleasure, I am happy to present "New to Sixth Grade" by My Two Awesome Students.

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"Have you met our new student teacher? Her name is Miss Jones. She has been here since January 17th. Miss Jones may look like a tall 6th grader (thanks a lot....) but actually she is twenty-three years old and is an awesome teacher. She had an interesting childhood, loves teaching, and likes to write books for our age group. Miss Jones is a cool teacher.

When Miss Jones was a little girl she wanted to be an actress. She definitely has talent. In 7th grade, her dad went to her band concert wearing string of blinking Christmas lights. It was one of her most embarassing moments.

Miss Jones was a journalism major and art major, but got tired of writing and drawing shoes. She wanted a job that had many subjects, one in which she was able to jump around and sing silly songs. That is when she decided to become a teacher. She loves kids, especially ones who are in 5th to 8th grads. Science is her favorite subject to teach because it's something that's alive and all around us.

After reading this you know she is a great teacher, but I bet you don't know this. She does not have a t.v. because she thinks books are better, and she'd rather have an imagination than rot her brain. She reads about three books every week. Miss Jones is in the process of writing her third book. She hopes that her books will be published some day. She has been writing and illustrating books since she was in the second grade. That's pretty cool!

Our class is glad Miss Jones is our teacher because she loves kids and makes learning fun. Also, she is always willing to stay after school to help people who need extra help. She spent time after school to read stories she wrote to us. Her crazy dances that she teaches us are really cool. Miss Jones will make a great teacher."

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ALSO, we are doing the Huge Boring State Tests currently. I learned from my cooperating teacher (who has been proctoring the tests, and reading their answers after they've handed their booklets in), that several of the students have written about me! Specifically! By name! That just makes my day!

And now, I'm off to grade papers. Joy and celebration. Hope all is just as spangly in your world.

45, the new 95

Today in health class, we were talking about why young people drink, how people change when they're drunk, and the bad things that can happen if you're not being a responsible adult.

Most of my students had insightful answers -- some had experienced violent stepfathers, others, drunken sisters who threw up all over themselves. And then, one of my students shared this gem:

"One time, my uncle got drunk and passed out on the couch. The next morning we found him, totally naked, on the front porch."

And another student shared this one:

"My dad got drunk one time, and woke up in the middle of the night. He was confused so he peed all over our T.V."

I said, "I'm sure your dad would be delighted if he knew you told this story."
"It doesn't matter," he replied. "He's 45."

And there you have it, folks. 45, the new 95.

Brain Moshing

Teaching is one of the only jobs I can think of that follows you home like a sad-eyed puppy dog. Like a puppy, grading papers and creating lesson plans takes heaping masses of time. Far more time than you would ever imagine.The downside is that your workload will not cuddle with you, or look up adoringly at you with big, wide eyes. But… it will also not pee on your carpet.

I realized lately that I measure the amount of work I have to do in inches. Not hours, or minutes, or pages, like most normal people, but inches. For example, most weekends, I have just over five inches of papers to grade. Two of those inches is Dreaded Late Work, 1 inch is of tests, and the rest is composed of various assignments. And the junk just keeps piling up. I could spend 3 hours a night grading and getting things back, and still not have it all done.

Part of the problem is really my own fault—I give them assignments that I have to grade, assignments that have open ended questions and options to draw, so we really can’t grade it in class. I’m dooming myself, and will soon be a hermit if I keep up this lifestyle.... but my kids all learn better when I give them activities like this, things that allow them to use their own strengths to complete a task. Granted, sometimes they HAVE to write an essay, or do what I say (Haha! I’m just like Aladdin’s genie… Phenomenal cosmic powers…. Itty bitty living space), because just doing what “they want” won’t help them grow strong. Unless, of course, they really like drinking milk and lifting weights.

Anyhow, the point is, I want to be the sort of teacher that teaches how students learn. Not the sort of teacher who teaches what is most convenient for me. There are too many of those. You've had them.

They've got Ben Stein voices and say things like "Please open your books to page 294. Johnny please read the paragraph entitled 'Mid-Life Crisis of the Middle Ages.' Thank you. Susie, please continue. Your assignment is 1-4 on page 299. It is due tomorrow."

In the meantime, the students are all drooling, daydreaming, or both.

I'd rather inspiration from the text and teach it my way. Reading the book is boring. I don't learn that way, and neither do they. It's more work for me, and more hours spent grading instead of sleeping, but I chose this profession because I wanted to be useful, and because I wanted to learn. Not because I wanted an easy road. So, that's what I'm getting. But, at the end of they day, its worth it.

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I think I must have written the above after sleeping for an entire day. Right now, I literally cannot see straight. I just spent another 11-hour shift at the school, and then continued working at home. It's now almost ten, and I could easily continue working for two more hours. I'm beginning to hallucinate. And they're not cute, friendly green frog hallucinations either. It's more like those terrible hallucinations Dumbo had. Was Dumbo drunk? Maybe I should get drunk. Or sleep. Maybe sleeping would be good. I haven't done that in a while.
Anyhow, it feels like all of the 6th graders have moved into my head, and are moshing. My brain is being moshed. Please, help me..... ackk....

There was, luckily, some humor today.
1) Some of my students kept referring to the Magna Carta as the Magma Carta.
2) Some of my students have started calling me their "homie" and saying things like "What up, Miss J?". These are, of course, little suburban white boys. I told them I was not part of their posse, but they just hit me with a "peace out, yo" and walked away.
3) Today we were talking about identical twins. My favorite 6th grade author (hey.... he turned me into a rapper.... could this be the reason for the above?... Hmm) today called me over and whispered in total seriousness "Hey, Miss J, did you know that Darren and I are identical twins?"

My author is a little skinny redhead with freckles and sharp elfin features. Darren is African-American.

"Oh yeah," I replied, "You know, I think I noticed that."
"Yeah. See, look. We totally have the same nose, and the same lips. The only difference really, is our hair. Mine's a different color."
"Well, but that's only because you dye yours."
"I gotta be my own person, Miss J. People kept mistaking me for him. I couldn't have that."
"Right, right."

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #6 "Fredrick gets Sick"

Once upon a time, hey wait a minute, that's a girly start, Fredrick the Wolf was walking to Taco Bell when all of the sudden Jeremy pops out of the sewer drain right behind him and yelled "Ha HA! I found my CHICKEN!" Fredrick just looked at him and laughed.

Fredrick started to walk away again and he got to Taco Bell and ordered a pack of gum and some chicken nuggets. Then we heard a loud sound in the back. It sounded like this, "Oh, Cate, my sweet love..."

Right then we knew it was Trent. Fredrick walked back there and it was Jeremy. He had his chicken dressed up as Cate. Fredrick pointed, laughed, then left, but then came back for his food. But this time, I, Trae, the Prettiest Boy Alive, was there. But I had a cold and someone had just broken into the school. No one could help Fredrick fight.

All of a sudden, this short thing walked in and said "Let's get down to buisness." It was Trent the Shorty. He was good now and for some odd reason I started to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough to Keep Me from Getting to You."

But Fredrick started to cough. He caught the cold. But all of a sudden, Miss J arrived singing "Yo, yo, homie dog, I think I got a cold we had no people to help fight!" Then, Chicken Little comes in, "I will rescue you from the evil monster!"

They got to school and Mrs. Wigwam was there and an Army of School Work. Chicken Little, who was almost as little as Trent, got squashed with an F. Mrs. Wigwam was bad. She stole a pen from the bank. We had to get it back.

Me and Fredrick got there and blasted Mrs. Wigwam with a burger ball of snot and stamped an A+ on the Papers, and they died.

And Miss J went into the rap buisness with her new single, "I think I got a Cold." Here it is.

"Yo, yo dog. I'm here to say I'm going to rap about today. Fredrick got sick just like Trae. The other heroes ran away. Mrs. Wigwam got defeated cuz we're clever, but Mrs. Wigwam is one of the best teachers ever.

Peace out."


P.s. Fredrick is still sick, but better because of the pack of gum.

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Fun fact: the author of this piece, interestingly enough, is the same student who created the Miss J Paper Bag Puppet. He was not, however, the student who asked me to sing myself sexy.

Think you're smart, do you?

Okay, all you smarty-pantses out there. I'll betcha two kittens and a case of orange soda that my kids are smarter than you are.

Oh no? You don't think so? I'll tell you what. 95% of my kids recieved As or Bs on the following material. See how you do. Then we'll talk. :)



(Earth Science: Fossils and More)

1. Someone who studies fossils is called a _____________________________.
2. _____________________ fossils are fossils that are mostly mineral. If a fossilized tree feels like a rock, it is this kind of fossil.
3. An example of a trace fossil is a __________________________.
4. Three substances other than sedimentary rock that can preserve things are ___________________, __________________________ and ________________________.
5. Earth is ______________ years old, roughly the same age as _________________.
6. If an element doesn’t break down over time, we call it _________________. If it does break down over time, we call it ________________.
7. The most famous sort of dating is ____________________-14 dating.
8. Large chunks of time are called ____________________. (Ex: Cenezoic _______) Smaller pieces within these large chunks are called ______________________.
9. One example of an index fossil is the ______________________.
10. To be a good index fossil, you have to be spread (all over the world/ over only a little bit of the world) and you have to have existed (for a very short time/ for a very long time).
11. The Law of Superposition says that older rocks are at the (top/bottom) and younger rocks are at the (top/bottom)
12. During this era, most of the dinosaurs appeared. _______________________
13. During this era most of the mammals appeared. _______________________

(History: The Middle Ages)

1. A lord, also called a ________________ lived in a large, self-sufficient home called a __________________. His friend, called a _________________ would swear an oath of loyalty, and was given a ____________ to live in and look after in return. Sometimes, this friend would take up arms and protect the home, if so, the friend was called a ________________. The people at the bottom who did all the dirty work were called ______________. This whole system is called ________________________.
2. Describe the formation of towns using the following words: deforestation, farm land, surplus, population

3. What were troubadours and minstrels?
   

4. Fill in the blank. The Vikings, also called _______________________ came largely from the country__________________. After traveling and conquering lands, they settled in the country _______________, and named their city __________________. At this time, they no longer called themselves Vikings, but ____________________.

5. The Norman leader ________________________________________ (3 words) crossed the English Channel, and became the first Norman king of ___________________. He mixed English and ____________________ cultures to produce the language we speak now.
6. Feudalism started to end when King John was forced to sign the __________________ __________________. Lords created this document because ________________________________
   
7. After this document was created people had the following rights: (name 2)
   

7. During the middle ages, the religion of _________________________ became more popular. Women called ______________ lived in _________________. Men who wanted to dedicate their lives to God lived in ____________________ and were called _____________________. The head monk who created the rules for living in accordance to god was named ___________________________.

8. When people go on a special journey to a religious city, it is said they are going on a _________________________________ . People, lead by ___________________________ (the same guy who was crowned “Emperor” by the Pope) that traveled with armies and promoted religion by force were part of the ________________________________.

9. Describe the effects of the crusade from the perspective of a non-Christian.

10. The Black Plague was caused by ___________________ on rats. The Black Plague lasted for ______________________ years, and killed _______________________ people.

11. Explain what each line of the popular children’s rhyme “Ring around the Rosy” really means!

A) Ring around the rosy

B) Pockets full of posies

C) Ashes, ashes

D) We all fall down.

12. Describe the effects of the plague on trade, children, arts and the church.

13. If someone calls you a “Renaissance Man” (or woman!) what does that mean?

14. Name 5 famous people from the time of the Renaissance. Include two royal members, one explorer, one inventor, and one artist.

15. If you sinned, you could buy a piece of paper from the church called an ________________ that would pardon you of your sins.

16. The man who wrote 95 Theses, _____________ ________________, thought that the selling of indulgences was wrong. His words ended up sparking a wave of change through the church called the ___________________________.

17. _____________________ _____________________ was the first man to use metal letters in a printing press, which revolutionized Europe. His printing press was used to print bibles and indulgences.

18. People under the leadership of Martin Luther who protested against the church formed a new group of Christians called ___________________________.

19. King Henry VIII didn’t like the Roman Catholic Church because it wouldn’t let him ____________________________________. So, he stopped funding it, and started a new Protestant church, called the Church of England.

20. The English armada, under _____________________________’s rule, beat the Spanish’s armada because the English boat’s were _______________ and had better ______________.

I am so damn glamorous.

Well, my students really got my appearance down. Part moose, part hooker. All glam, baby.

Check out that lip gloss, man. I don't care what you say. I'm the hottest paper bag puppet you'll ever see.

*sob*

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #5 "Miss J's Cranky Pants"

To begin with, I was walking to McDonalds with Fredrick. We got to McDonalds safely and Fredrick asked for a bowl of cereal. I got some raviols. And then I heard someone. I turned around. It was Trent. Or was it Michael Jackson? It looked like Trent but it was Michael Jackson. I think they're twins.

I was walking home and I started to choke on air. I coughed up a hairball. Fredrick smelled the hairball. It smelled like pickles.

Suddenly, I heard a growl. It was Evil Blobs! Fredrick smacked the Blob and said "Ruff, ruff! You're an Evil Blob!"

We knew Trent and Jeremy sent them. I told the Evil Blob to tell me where Jeremy and Trent were, and I would get them a girlfriend. They showed us where they were. They were at this really cool office in the "Girl's Bathroom."

Jeremy was wearing a dress and eating chicken. Trent, well, Trent was being Trent. They started to fight, so I just looked at my pretty self in the mirror.

Fredrick flushed Jeremy's chicken down the toilet, and Jeremy ran away crying. Trent had twenty more people to help him.

Miss J walked in and everybody ran because she had her Cranky Pants on. Miss J saved the day.

The End.


P.s. Fredrick turned into a rapper.

"I'm Fredrick the dog and I'm here to stay. I'm going to show Trent and Jeremy what's up today. I'm going to him them in the face, make them tie my shoelace. If I get caught, no need to worry, I'll get Miss J here in a hurry. My best friend is Trae, not Lory, and that's the end of the story."

P.p.s. The Blobs got their deal. I got them girlfriends named Trent and Jeremy.
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Yeah, that's RIGHT. You had BETTER run when I've got my Cranky Pants* on!


* Cranky Pants curtesy of my dear former-roomie, Nija.

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #4 "Fredrick's First Christmas"

Chronicles of Fredrick: Fredrick’s First Christmas

Well, here's more proof that there's something in the water in this city. At least, in this story, I am not being asked to lose my shirt.

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Once about a time Fredrick was walking and found a note that said “Kidnap him and take him to the ice cave,” and at the bottom it said “Jeremy.” Right then, it popped up in his head “Jeremy! He’s our arch enemy!”

So he went to find me to help rescue the kidnapped kid. I had left a note, “I went to the taco shack.”

Fredrick knew he couldn’t do this mission on his alone so he went to the North Pole and got Santa. Santa said “Ho, ho, ho!”

Fredrick said “What the heck is a ho ho ho? Is that like a triple twinkie? I’ve had a Ho Ho before, but just not a ho ho ho. Oh, well. Just come ON!”

They got halfway there until Santa said “I forgot my pants.”

Fredrick looked down and said “What are the funny looking creatures on your underwear?”

He said “That’s the Teletubbies.”

They got the pants, found an ice cave, went into it, and came out with Mexican hats. There was a Mexican polar bear in there. They found another cave, and it was The Cave. They saw the kid… it was me!

Wait a minunte. How am I telling the story? Oh, well. Anyway, Fredrick sprang into action. Santa sat and ate donuts. That was Jeremy’s food…. Fredrick turned around and Jeremy took off the Santa mask. It was just Fredrick now, until Miss J sprang into action.

But Miss J was wearing funny looking clothes. It was an Easter Bunny outfit! She unlocked me, and we started to fight back. I punched Jeremy but his fat sucked me in and I was stuck. Fredrick did a super duper loka poka kick. It hit Jeremy and I flew out. Jeremy flew into, wait! He turned into a Rolli Polli!

Now the real Santa was here. I’m scared of Rolli Pollis so I ran to the other room. There, I saw Trent so I kicked him. We needed one more person to defeat these monsters. Well, actually, Jeremy was a Rolli Polli and Trent was the only one we had to fight. But then, out of nowhere, King Tut popped up and hit Trent!

Trent flew into a cage and we locked him up.

So the Super Heroes and King Tut won!

Yaaaaaaaaay!

And the last thing I said to Fredrick was “Merry Christmas!”

Fredrick said “What’s that?”

“Oh well. Here’s a present—a Jeremy doll to chew on.”

Well, that's disturbing...

The Assignment:

1. Research 3 people from the Renaissance (explorers, royalty, painters, philosophers, writers and so on)
2. With a partner, write a 2 minute long play involving said Renaissance people, using facts you’ve gathered about their lives and personalities.
3. Perform play with WICKEDLY RAD PUPPETS! (that you make yourselves)

Inspired Questions and Conversations:

“Can I do Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael? I want to turn them into the Ninja turtles.”

“Miss J? We’re doing Henry VIII… and he eats, like, everything in sight. So we were wondering… can we have him eat you too? ”

“…. Well, are you going to rescue me?”

“Of course, Miss J!”

“Well, then. Go ahead!”

(I may regret this decision later…)

“You said we could use extra characters. Can I have Pac-Man/Scooby Doo/The Power Rangers/Sponge Bob in mine?”

“Who’s Annie Bowlin’?”

“You mean Anne Boleyn?”

And, by far, the most disturbing….

“Miss J…. you’re in our play. Is it okay if we make you sing “I’m too sexy for my shirt?”

*totally incredulous, appalled, disgusted look*

“I am totally appalled and disgusted by what you’ve just said. That is both inappropriate and disrespectful. Would you like me to call your mother and repeat what you’ve just said to me?”

*look of total sheepishness*

“No. Sorry. Hey! I know! Can we have you say ‘I’m too cool for my shirt’?”

Well, that’s a trip to the principal’s office.

Ahh, the joys of teaching.

(Note: on the day of this appalling comment, I was wearing the standard Miss J outfit—turtleneck sweater, black dress pants, black blazer. Not provocative! Plus, I’ve been blowing my nose for the last four weeks. I thought that alone would make me Gross and Disgusting…. but apparently not.)

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #3 "Fredrick Gets His First Power"

Story #3 from my hilarious student.
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Today me and Fredrick were walking down to the beach. I was thinking about burritos even though I don't like them. All the sudden, Fredrick jumps in the air.

"Why are you talking about burritos?"
"I'm not. I'm thinking of them."

Suddenly, I jumped into the air. "Fredrick you've got burrito senses! Or you can just read people's minds!"

We got to the beach and Trent and Jeremy were there this time. They had a new sidekick. Her name was Mrs. Wigwam the Teacher of Evil. I told Fredrick to read their minds and he did.
Well, Trent was thinking of Cate, and Jeremy and Mrs. Wigwam were thinking of drowning us in burrito sauce, and also thinking of the new French Wrap To Go Meals from Taco Bell.

Fredrick sprung into action and used a mighty kick but Mrs. Wigwam used her Evil Rays and Blasted Fredrick into their evil Taco Bell cave. Then I was up for a taco so I sprung into action. But Mrs. Wigwam threw a quesadilla at me and it hit me in the face. I went flying back and I was trapped in the evil cave. Tune in next week to see what happens.

I'm just messing with you. All the sudden, we hear a crash on the top of the cave. I knew it was Miss J the Super Teacher of the World. She hasn't got the flying down pat yet, but she's getting there.

She busted through the taco door. Miss J went to the back of the cave. Snake Man did all the fighting. Snake Man wrapped around Jeremy and let go. Jeremy went spinning and crashed into a tank of cow manure. Now we knew what their secret recipe was. I went to tell Miss J but I was too late, Miss J was eating away.

She ran into a bad taco so she threw it and it hit Mrs. Wigwam right in the face. Mrs. Wigwam flew into a box of taco sauce. I trapped her.

Out of nowhere, Trent blasted Miss J into the sky, but Snake Man caught her. Fredrick read Trent's mind. Trent was thinking about Cate agin.

"Hold on! Stop the story!" Trent yelled. "You're evil! I don't thionk about Cate! ...Talk about evil. All right. Action!"

Fredrick blasted Trent with his rainbow of burritos and Trent flew to Jupiter.

So, Mrs. Wigwam was unconscious by the bad taco, and Jeremy was knocked out in the cow manure and was eating it too. Trent was on Jupiter dreaming of Cate.

The End.

Four Inches of Tree Vomit

A tree barfed on my desk. Look at that. That’s TWO DAYS worth of stuff. That’s IT. Two days of papers and it’s what… four inches high?

Well, now you know what I’ll be up to all weekend.

More later when I've reclaimed my sanity.

My Brain is Dripping Out of my Nose

When they told me that teachers only have 10 sick days a year, I thought “Ten sick days?! That’s a ton! That’s like having two weeks off from school! Woah!” And then all sorts of fantasies took over. Fantasies of built up sick days used for tropical vacations, swimming in turquoise waters, lounging in a hammock, hiking in verdant hills.

I sighed happily. I was going to amass so much time off. Who would ever use up ten whole days?

But now I’m sick. For the third week in a row. And my tune has changed. It once was an operatic ballad of love and devotion, and now, it’s pretty much the foghorn-like sound of noses being blowed.

In the last three days, I’ve blown my nose so much that I’ve gone through 3 rolls of toilet paper. That’s …let’s see if I can to do the math here…. a roll a day. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of snot. I’m beginning to think that it’s brain matter that’s being blown out. It would explain my retarding mental skills as of late. Another terrible thing: I’ve gotten used to sleeping with my mouth open. Good God! At first it was so terrible, waking up with that horrible dry mouth, feeling like I had been partially mummified in the desert sands. And now, it’s automatic and I don't even notice. *heavy sigh*

Every single dreaded disease my lovely little darlings get… I get. I feel like I’ve weathered the measles, mumps and rubella. Ebola, cholera, influenza. Small pox, chicken pox, buzzard pox, lizard socks. I would not eat them with a fox, I would not eat them in a box. I would not like green eggs and ham…. Oh lord. See? Remember that mental retardation I was talking about? Turns out it leads to two appalling outcomes… rhyming and vast amounts of exaggeration. I apologize now, for anything further I might say.

The only thing I haven’t gotten yet, aside from scurvy, is PINK EYE. Can you imagine? Your eyes discharge some gooey puss-like substance until they cement themselves closed! How totally disgusting would that be? Now, I can handle a lot of gross things. March through horse manure on a rainy day? Okay. Skin a cat? Okay. Wash three-week-old molding dishes… well, okay. I'll be honest. That I can’t handle.

But pink eye. Oh, how I dread pink eye. If I get pink eye, I think I might die. Uh oh….. Stop reading now! The rhyme is returning! My eyes are a-water, my body is burning. My nose is still dripping and temperature’s soaring, my feet are a-tripping and ears are a-roaring.
I think it’d be best if I went straight to bed, and I pray that this sickness doesn’t infect your head!

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #1 " My Way To Grandmal's House"

I can't very well post story #2 without posting story #1!

The start of this whole thing actually started out as a vocabulary assignment... the kids had to use 5 vocabulary words in their stories, but could write about whatever they wanted. I'll give you a cookie if you can find all 5 vocab words. :)

(p.s. ... is "Grandmal" a bad Grandmother?)
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To start with, I was walking through the woods. The woods were as black as midnight. Next thing you know, I heard "How you doing?" It was a wolf. I named him Fredrick.
The wolf had a really good disposition. Disposition means like good personality.
Next, I hear a noise. I turn around. It was a mouse! Man, I was so scared, I almost wet myself.

Next, I was almost through the woods. I heard another noise. It was a Rolli Polli. I started to cry because I was so scared but Fredrick cheered me up by dancing like a fairy (Tinkerbell). I got distraught from watching him, so I squashed him and we left.

We were almost through the woods when I thought I heard a hunter.

Finally, we were around the corner of Grandmal's house and I saw a guy point a gun at Fredrick! I knew I was feeling apprehensive and I knew something bad was going to happen. I jumped in front of Fredrick and I got shot. I was down for like 4 hours until I noticed I got shot by a water gun. Then I got up and me and Fredrick got to Grandmal's

As soon as I got there I went to the bathroom. Lets just say I had to use air freshener after I was done. Then, I told G-mal what happened, and I couldn't stop fidgeting.

The French Invasion

6^th graders are incredibly creative. Teachers learn this immediately—where is your homework? Oh, you were caught in a whirlpool of destruction and it got washed away? A sasquatch took it, mistaking it for a tuna sandwich? Your mom put it in the bottom of your parakeet’s cage? The good thing: as a teacher, you almost never have to hear the same thing twice. Middle-schoolers are all about the variation of a theme.

The girl, for example, who thought it was fun to get her butt stuck in the garbage can one week, thought it would be a good idea to wear it as a hat the next (Note: the "it" in this sentence refers to the garbage can. Not her butt. She was not, I repeat, not using her butt as a hat. Some teachers, however, will beg to differ). School’s changed a lot from when I was a kid if putting a garbage can on your head helps make you the Epitome of Cool. But I digress.

A week or so ago, we were working on painting life-sized sarcophaguses. I was in corner, channeling Annie Oakley. My paints spurted color into trays with dead accuracy. I was a gunslinger of paint, a sharp shooter of pigment. A quick handed color mixer.

Once everyone was set, and my paints were back in their holsters, I moseyed from group to group, checking progress, and making sure paint wasn’t being used inappropriately (as, for example, in the shape of genitalia on another’s arm or face. …Trust me. This sort of thing happens.)

Suddenly, amidst the chatter and laughter I heard a voice. With a French accent.

I turned around, narrowed my eyes. A French accent was something that just didn’t belong in these parts. But the accent, with all its smarminess, stopped. In its place was a burst of laughter. Annie Oakley was good, but this job called for someone else. Someone… sneaky.

I crept across the room, Mission: Impossible theme playing in my head. The source of the laughter wasn’t far. I only had to make it a couple more yards. Carefully…. Carefully…. Aha! There it was again! The accent had returned! In my head, cool laughter echoed. I would get them. They couldn’t pull a fast one on ME! My short stature camouflaged me. My ears picked up the sound of a whisper from across the crowded room. My skin tingled—there was mischief going on. Right here. Right now. I was quieter than a desert night. I was sneakier than a summer breeze. I was Secret Agent 00 Awesome.

Oh, and the consequences would be brilliant. First, I would unleash a terrible weapon—Teacher Look #1. In non-classroom culture, this is simply known as “The Look.” Mothers have it. Persnickety aunts have it. And yes, teachers have it. I would shoot them The Look, that diamond hard expression of disapproval, and they’d stop in their tracks. My face, glacier cold, would freeze them. Laughter would be choked out, and work would ensue. Glorious work. They’d produce masterpieces not unlike the Mona Lisa. They’d wield paintbrushes like conductors wield wands, knights swords. They would work, and it would be grand.

Satisfied with the beginnings of my plan, I crept closer. Feet away now, inches. The French accent ringing in my ears. Not one voice, but many. Three, four, five. The West had been taken over. The French had invaded.

“Wee, wee!” the voice started.

“Gentlemen?” My voice cut through the group, quiet, but unmistakable, like the sound of a wick sizzling. Already The Look was cementing on my face. I was ready. Were they?

Slowly, the group turned around.

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! a panicked voice screamed in my head. OH GOD, MAYDAY! Secret Agent 00 Awesome would like to request immediate backup! What? Super Agents don’t get backup? SHIT! My Look was crumbling! Even worse… a smile was beginning to tug at my lips.

“Yes, mademoiselle?” one said. “Our group eez just feenishing.”

On his face was a clear piece of tape, placed right above his upper lip. Drawn on the tape… a mustache. A thin, ratty mustache, curling at the ends. Another looked like Groucho Marx. Another bore the striking resemblance to a walrus. Another, an unfortunate blonde Hitler.

I felt something in my stomach. A certain tightness. Oh, no. Oh no! It couldn’t be! I had to stop it! It would ruin everything. Retreat, I though. Retreat! But, it was too late. The damage was done. Laughter exploded from my lips; The Look evaporated and turned into a cloud of kindness.

Secret Agent 00 Awesome was dead. And she took The Look with her. In my head a new plan formed. Cool laughter turned maniacal. To penetrate this crowd, I had to think like them. Look like them. Serve as a double agent. Change the ranks from within.

I was no longer 00 Agent Awesome, with all her quiet glamour. Nor was I Annie, sharp-shooting siren. I was Slippery Sam. Counterfeit Carl. Dastardly Duane. Black cape, pinstripe suit, long hair tucked into black top hat. And oh yes. A mustache.

The Chronicles of Fredrick: #2 "What I Saw Out My Window"

A story I received today from one of my students...


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"Once about a time I woke up and looked out my window and I saw Miss J! I was surprised. Miss J has magical powers and a trusty sidekick Snake Man.
I don't know his name so I call him Snake Man. She's the Super Woman and teacher who saves people when they need help.

So one day I was walking and these kids name Trent* (the one who likes Cate) and Jeremy (the one who likes everybody) started to beat me up and Miss J came and Power Blasted Trent and Jeremy into space and I never saw them again.

Next of all, Miss J came down from flying and the guy who shot me threw a grenade, light as a pencil, at Miss J and she broke her leg. So, me and Fredrick took over for Miss J. We found the man who did this and threw the grenade back and it took off his head.

The other criminals, Jeremy and Trent, came back but this time they had a Rolli Polli. I was scared. I hid behind a tree. Fredrick hit Trent into a tree and tied him up, then threw Jeremy in the garbage. Now it was the Rolli Polli. Fredrick fought the Rolli Polli.

The Rolli Polli won. I didn't mean he won the fight. He won a stuffed animal at the fair. Fredrick won the fight. We went to the hospital and Miss J was better. She went back to being Miss J The Super Girl and everything was back to normal."

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How utterly fantastic is that? My kids are the best. Have I mentioned?



*All names, except for Fredrick (who is a wolf from another one of his stories, and happens to be our new class mascot), have been changed.

Gimme an A

So, check this out.

There's a position opening up at the school I'm currently student teaching at. 7/8th grade science. When I first heard, I wasn't clicking my heels or doing a fancy jig out of excitement. Being stuck in this armpit of a city for years longer just didn't appeal to me. But then I got to thinking... I wouldn't have to teach math. Or grammar. Or spelling. Just lovely, lovely science. Biology and physics. Cuttin' up froggies and plummeting eggs. How great would that be? Even better yet-- I'd get to have my kids again!

My kids, for the record, are totally awesome. Little punks, for sure. But I happen to like them that way. They understand sarcasm. They'll tell you if your hair is sticking up all over the place. And they're totally willing to make fools out of themselves in front of the class. Just like me!

My cooperating teacher says I have a good chance at getting the job, she even introduced me to the superintendent today, who referred to me as being "highly qualified." He also later referred to me as being "really cute." Hmmm... is that bad?

So, the potential problem? There's a catch. Of course there's a catch! There's always a catch.
The science teacher, apart from teaching kids how to massacre small, preserved beasties, also had a coaching duty....

Woaahhhh Nelly. Coach? I know, I know. "Coach WHAT?" you're thinking. I hear you. I'm not the athletic type. I'll run to catch the ice cream truck, but that's about as far as it goes.

They don't want me to coach speech (which I actually could do), or football (which would just be hilarious).... but....

... you ready for this?






Cheerleading.

Oh yeah.

Me. The girl who petitioned her mom to let her stay home sick on Spirit Day. The marginally p-oed feminist type. Can you even imagine? And as much as I'm NOT athletically inclined, I'd rather be on the field doing something than cheering like some floozy on the sidelines.

Hell, isn't it enough that people actually go to the games and cheer the athletes on? What do they even need cheerleaders for? They've got masses of friends and family of both sexes! Doesn't that say enough? They've got people filling up the stands, meanwhile, I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard:

"Hey, you were awesome at the band concert. You had a totally wicked solo on that bassoon, dude."

Well, okay. So, I've never actually heard anyone say that exactly. But you know what I mean. *sigh*

Some females get annoyed at the inequality of it all, but that's not the case with me. If some hot studs started cheering me on, I'd probably give them the Death Glare, or punch them in the gonads. I'm always up for a good gonad punching. Who do they think they are, checking me out like that? Bunch of perverts.

So, back to the subject at hand. Do I love this school? Yes. Am I a rather bouncy individual? Yes. Would I look wickedly sexy with a pair of pom-poms in my hands? Well, yeah, probably. But could I really bring myself to do it?

I don't know. I'm okay with being a cheerleader for all students (sans pigtails and frosty pink lipstick)... woo-hooing them when they get the right answer, and such... but to condone extra flirtation between an already hormonal bunch? I'm just not sure I want to get tangled up in that.

If I had to do it, I guess I could suck it up. And, while I have no experience with these things, I think... how hard could it be? After all, what do teachers hear all day?

"Gimme an A!"
"Gimme a B!"
"Gimme an A"
"How's that spelled?"

Aww yeah. I'm gonna be a natural.