My Brain is Dripping Out of my Nose

When they told me that teachers only have 10 sick days a year, I thought “Ten sick days?! That’s a ton! That’s like having two weeks off from school! Woah!” And then all sorts of fantasies took over. Fantasies of built up sick days used for tropical vacations, swimming in turquoise waters, lounging in a hammock, hiking in verdant hills.

I sighed happily. I was going to amass so much time off. Who would ever use up ten whole days?

But now I’m sick. For the third week in a row. And my tune has changed. It once was an operatic ballad of love and devotion, and now, it’s pretty much the foghorn-like sound of noses being blowed.

In the last three days, I’ve blown my nose so much that I’ve gone through 3 rolls of toilet paper. That’s …let’s see if I can to do the math here…. a roll a day. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a lot of snot. I’m beginning to think that it’s brain matter that’s being blown out. It would explain my retarding mental skills as of late. Another terrible thing: I’ve gotten used to sleeping with my mouth open. Good God! At first it was so terrible, waking up with that horrible dry mouth, feeling like I had been partially mummified in the desert sands. And now, it’s automatic and I don't even notice. *heavy sigh*

Every single dreaded disease my lovely little darlings get… I get. I feel like I’ve weathered the measles, mumps and rubella. Ebola, cholera, influenza. Small pox, chicken pox, buzzard pox, lizard socks. I would not eat them with a fox, I would not eat them in a box. I would not like green eggs and ham…. Oh lord. See? Remember that mental retardation I was talking about? Turns out it leads to two appalling outcomes… rhyming and vast amounts of exaggeration. I apologize now, for anything further I might say.

The only thing I haven’t gotten yet, aside from scurvy, is PINK EYE. Can you imagine? Your eyes discharge some gooey puss-like substance until they cement themselves closed! How totally disgusting would that be? Now, I can handle a lot of gross things. March through horse manure on a rainy day? Okay. Skin a cat? Okay. Wash three-week-old molding dishes… well, okay. I'll be honest. That I can’t handle.

But pink eye. Oh, how I dread pink eye. If I get pink eye, I think I might die. Uh oh….. Stop reading now! The rhyme is returning! My eyes are a-water, my body is burning. My nose is still dripping and temperature’s soaring, my feet are a-tripping and ears are a-roaring.
I think it’d be best if I went straight to bed, and I pray that this sickness doesn’t infect your head!