We were watching this.
In the video, you see an oxpicker eating the ticks off a giraffe at warp speed.
Me: Okay, what type of symbiosis is being shown here? I see two relationships.
Class: Parasitism! Mutualism! Communism!
Me: COMMUNISM?
Daniel:YEAH!
Ivone: That's when a dictator takes over, moron.
Me: Not necessarily, it's just when..... Okay, we're getting off task. Daniel, what is the correct word you meant to say?
Daniel: Commensalism.
Me: Okay, good, and did we see that? Which did we see?
Kevin: Miss J, I want to see that bird eating corn. Nar-nar-nar-nar-nar!
Me: (dies) (regains composure) Can anyone please tell me what they saw?
Madeline: We saw parasitism because the tick was feeding off the giraffe and hurting it, and mutualism because the bird was eating the ticks off the giraffe so both were helped.
Me: Madeline, you just saved my sanity. Thank you.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Random Bits
1.
The news came to our assembly today. Our school raised almost $2,000 dollars total for Francisco Felix's family. Incredible. I tried explaining to the kids how HUGE this had become, but they just didn't get the scope. Guys. National news. I mean... NATIONAL. This isn't just impacting THIS community.... They don't get how big this is. I have to learn how to teach them how a drop can impact a whole pond, and how anyone can be that drop.
2.
I had a paper sign stapled outside my door with my name on it. The kids knew from the sign to line up at that spot before entering. At first, someone wrote "is awesome" after my name. Then, someone wrote "big ass." Thanks guys. Thanks.
3.
Luis: Miss J. If I proposed to you, what would you say?
Me: Proposed what? That you do your homework? Yes. Please do your homework.
Luis: No, you know, like PROPOSED. Like got down on one knee...
Me: Oh! I would laugh at you. And then tell you no.
Luis: What?! But what if I had a nice ring...
Me: Dude. You're like my SON. That's gross.
Luis: But Miss J, I'm awesome. And I make you laugh.
Me: True. But still gross.
Daniel: She doesn't want you fool. She wants to super size that. (points to himself)
Me: Okay, now we're really done. I'm going to go barf up my lunch now.
The news came to our assembly today. Our school raised almost $2,000 dollars total for Francisco Felix's family. Incredible. I tried explaining to the kids how HUGE this had become, but they just didn't get the scope. Guys. National news. I mean... NATIONAL. This isn't just impacting THIS community.... They don't get how big this is. I have to learn how to teach them how a drop can impact a whole pond, and how anyone can be that drop.
2.
I had a paper sign stapled outside my door with my name on it. The kids knew from the sign to line up at that spot before entering. At first, someone wrote "is awesome" after my name. Then, someone wrote "big ass." Thanks guys. Thanks.
3.
Luis: Miss J. If I proposed to you, what would you say?
Me: Proposed what? That you do your homework? Yes. Please do your homework.
Luis: No, you know, like PROPOSED. Like got down on one knee...
Me: Oh! I would laugh at you. And then tell you no.
Luis: What?! But what if I had a nice ring...
Me: Dude. You're like my SON. That's gross.
Luis: But Miss J, I'm awesome. And I make you laugh.
Me: True. But still gross.
Daniel: She doesn't want you fool. She wants to super size that. (points to himself)
Me: Okay, now we're really done. I'm going to go barf up my lunch now.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Angels and Devils
First, the devils.
This morning, while getting into line, one of my kids thought it would be a good idea to throw a handful of this chili-powder candy into the eyes of another kid.Good idea? Yes. If you want to get sent to the office and get in serious trouble. "I was aiming for his mouth," the kid said. Yeah. Right.
Juan: Miss J, I know you said mistletoe's a parasite and all that, but we should get them for the door, so when you come in--
Me: Juan, I am not making out with you. (class dies)
Osuna: BUT YOU JUST TOLD US YOU WERE A PARASITE! You JUST....
Me: Well, then I'd be a vampire, and in that case... you don't want me anywhere near you.
Osuna: Well...
Me: You're all gross. Stop.
The angels.
My homeroom decided to make me cards for my birthday in art class. One, impressively, shows a chromosome unwrapping into chromatin, and then DNA. In the chromatin, it says "Happy birthday." Creative! Then, on the inside it says:
"Happy Birthday Miss J. We know we are a little late and we're sorry. This year has been the best and we know you have problems in life but whenever you feel sad just think about the fun times you had with us, and how happy you made us. Thank you so much and have a happy holiday.
World peace and no nuclear power plants!!"
-- M.C.
A second one just said "Happy Birthday, Miss J". Stapled on the top corner was a packet of graham crackers. Below, was a picture of a radioactive cow dripping milk into an Erlenmeyer flask. Under it said "here's some milk to go with your cookies."
Hilarious.
And finally--
There is a kid at my school whose dad has a failing liver. His family fears that government cutbacks could set in at the time his dad may NEED a liver. This terrifies him. So, after watching the news, he learned about a man who couldn't get insurance because funding that had already been cut.
So, as a 7th grader... he has been standing on the street corners with a sign for a MAN HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW, to try and raise money to get the guy a liver. A dime at a time.
Then, he started a drive at the school. Now, keep in mind, this is Title 1. This is not a rich neighborhood by any means. It isn't even middle class for the most part.
One of my kids sent handfuls of change all over my table ("Osuna! Are you a leprechaun? Are you donating the treasure at the end of the rainbow?" "Yeah, Miss J, only it wasn't gold, it was COPPER!). Another kid, instead of going to HIGH SCHOOL that day (don't even get me started there), came back to my class, spent the day with me...and donated five dollars to the cause.
In one day, the kids as a whole raised $1600.
And Carlos is still on the corner with his bucket collecting change every day.
AND THIS HAS MADE NATIONAL NEWS.
Holy crap.
Sometimes, I want to shank a kid (namely in my last block) but sometimes-- I just love 'em.
This morning, while getting into line, one of my kids thought it would be a good idea to throw a handful of this chili-powder candy into the eyes of another kid.Good idea? Yes. If you want to get sent to the office and get in serious trouble. "I was aiming for his mouth," the kid said. Yeah. Right.
Juan: Miss J, I know you said mistletoe's a parasite and all that, but we should get them for the door, so when you come in--
Me: Juan, I am not making out with you. (class dies)
Osuna: BUT YOU JUST TOLD US YOU WERE A PARASITE! You JUST....
Me: Well, then I'd be a vampire, and in that case... you don't want me anywhere near you.
Osuna: Well...
Me: You're all gross. Stop.
The angels.
My homeroom decided to make me cards for my birthday in art class. One, impressively, shows a chromosome unwrapping into chromatin, and then DNA. In the chromatin, it says "Happy birthday." Creative! Then, on the inside it says:
"Happy Birthday Miss J. We know we are a little late and we're sorry. This year has been the best and we know you have problems in life but whenever you feel sad just think about the fun times you had with us, and how happy you made us. Thank you so much and have a happy holiday.
World peace and no nuclear power plants!!"
-- M.C.
A second one just said "Happy Birthday, Miss J". Stapled on the top corner was a packet of graham crackers. Below, was a picture of a radioactive cow dripping milk into an Erlenmeyer flask. Under it said "here's some milk to go with your cookies."
Hilarious.
And finally--
There is a kid at my school whose dad has a failing liver. His family fears that government cutbacks could set in at the time his dad may NEED a liver. This terrifies him. So, after watching the news, he learned about a man who couldn't get insurance because funding that had already been cut.
So, as a 7th grader... he has been standing on the street corners with a sign for a MAN HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW, to try and raise money to get the guy a liver. A dime at a time.
Then, he started a drive at the school. Now, keep in mind, this is Title 1. This is not a rich neighborhood by any means. It isn't even middle class for the most part.
One of my kids sent handfuls of change all over my table ("Osuna! Are you a leprechaun? Are you donating the treasure at the end of the rainbow?" "Yeah, Miss J, only it wasn't gold, it was COPPER!). Another kid, instead of going to HIGH SCHOOL that day (don't even get me started there), came back to my class, spent the day with me...and donated five dollars to the cause.
In one day, the kids as a whole raised $1600.
And Carlos is still on the corner with his bucket collecting change every day.
AND THIS HAS MADE NATIONAL NEWS.
Holy crap.
Sometimes, I want to shank a kid (namely in my last block) but sometimes-- I just love 'em.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Octopus Games
While studying crypsis (forms of adaptations that allow an organism to hide, like mimicry, camouflage, being transparent or nocturnal, or having a subterranean lifestyle), we watched a video that showed the incredible mimic octopus at work.
Alex: Man. You do NOT want to play hide and seek with an octopus.
I wonder if I could get them to brainstorm other similar thoughts.
IE...
You wouldn't want to play tag with a cheetah.
You would want to build a fort with a beaver.
You wouldn't want to attend an eating contest with an anaconda.
Alex: Man. You do NOT want to play hide and seek with an octopus.
I wonder if I could get them to brainstorm other similar thoughts.
IE...
You wouldn't want to play tag with a cheetah.
You would want to build a fort with a beaver.
You wouldn't want to attend an eating contest with an anaconda.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
I love my 7/8 Class
Me: ....and that's that...
Stanley: Miss J, did you just say I was fat?
Me: *blink* Well, you do beep when you walk backwards.
Stanley: .....
Me: OH COME ON. That's a TOTAL STANLEY JOKE! You should be proud of me.
Stanley: Okay, okay. (sigh) It was kind of funny.
Me: You totally just killed all of my fun.
Me: Don't call me mama.
Javier: Yeah, call her BIG MAMA!
Javier: I'm going to die now, aren't I?
We had just been studying the peppered moth/natural selection story when....
Me: (putting sticky-note raffle tickets in Ivone's hair & calling her the prettiest x-mas tree ever)
Ivone: Mom!
Me: Yes?
Ivone: Brother's being stupid!
Me: What'd be do?
Ivone: He ruined my Christmas tree.
(Kevin aka Perfection grins)
Me: Perfection, you are getting coal for Christmas.
Ivone: And that's bad. Because you're white. The predators are going to eat you.
Me: Ivone, I love you.
Ivone: Yeah, I'm your favorite daughter.
Robo: (swearing)
Me: Out! Go write me an apology letter.
Robo: Awwww, shit.
Me: ROBO!!!!
Robo: What?
Me: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Robo: What?
Me: You can't shit in here!
Robo:.....
Me: That's not what I meant.
Robo: You owe me an apology letter.
Stanley: Miss J, did you just say I was fat?
Me: *blink* Well, you do beep when you walk backwards.
Stanley: .....
Me: OH COME ON. That's a TOTAL STANLEY JOKE! You should be proud of me.
Stanley: Okay, okay. (sigh) It was kind of funny.
Me: You totally just killed all of my fun.
Me: Don't call me mama.
Javier: Yeah, call her BIG MAMA!
Javier: I'm going to die now, aren't I?
We had just been studying the peppered moth/natural selection story when....
Me: (putting sticky-note raffle tickets in Ivone's hair & calling her the prettiest x-mas tree ever)
Ivone: Mom!
Me: Yes?
Ivone: Brother's being stupid!
Me: What'd be do?
Ivone: He ruined my Christmas tree.
(Kevin aka Perfection grins)
Me: Perfection, you are getting coal for Christmas.
Ivone: And that's bad. Because you're white. The predators are going to eat you.
Me: Ivone, I love you.
Ivone: Yeah, I'm your favorite daughter.
Robo: (swearing)
Me: Out! Go write me an apology letter.
Robo: Awwww, shit.
Me: ROBO!!!!
Robo: What?
Me: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Robo: What?
Me: You can't shit in here!
Robo:.....
Me: That's not what I meant.
Robo: You owe me an apology letter.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Holy Crap. They knew something.
I was doing a lab based off of this website. Using the website, kids were acting like birds, eating peppered moths in the original and polluted England forest. Having fun. Not being jerk wads.
Then, after collecting the data for various trials, I asked them to find the measures of central tendency. I had even printed a page examples on how to find each one. To my utter surprise and bewilderment.... MOST OF THEM KNEW EXACTLY HOW TO DO IT!
Oh my god.
It was amazing.
There were only 3-4 kids who had absolutely no clue what they were doing!! AMAZING!
Despite the fact that I am beside myself with happiness, what does it say about Arizona education when I am tickled pink that my 8th graders can do 6th grade math?
And what did it say that even after written and modeled EXPLICIT directions....they still could not produce bar graphs?
Arizona, we have some serious work to do. But thank you for teaching my kids mean, median, mode, range and outlier.
Then, after collecting the data for various trials, I asked them to find the measures of central tendency. I had even printed a page examples on how to find each one. To my utter surprise and bewilderment.... MOST OF THEM KNEW EXACTLY HOW TO DO IT!
Oh my god.
It was amazing.
There were only 3-4 kids who had absolutely no clue what they were doing!! AMAZING!
Despite the fact that I am beside myself with happiness, what does it say about Arizona education when I am tickled pink that my 8th graders can do 6th grade math?
And what did it say that even after written and modeled EXPLICIT directions....they still could not produce bar graphs?
Arizona, we have some serious work to do. But thank you for teaching my kids mean, median, mode, range and outlier.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I matter...
Well, this last week has been utter hell. A kid told me my decisions were "bullshit." One of my classes has a 39% average. Kids in my first class pants each other and are horrible bullies. I feel like I am useless. Yet, the universe keeps telling me I'm doing good things, but all I can fixate on is the fact that two of my four classes act like total asses.
But, I did get this letter today. I need to keep reading it until I believe it....
Dear Ms. J,
I am so sorry for all the bad things that the class has done and would really like to apologize for our misbehavior, disrespect and lack of knowledge that we treated you with this past couple of weeks. I know this kind of crap can bring you down but always remember that every day is a new one with hidden surprises. On the other hand I know that a small percentage of the class has actually done their work and I apologize for our inconvenience. Thank you so much for not giving up on us, you show traits of a true fighter. You've helped us when we have problems and when we do have a situation we know that you can be the one we turn to to get the problem fixed and we can trust you 100% of the time. You supported us all the time. Miss J, you ROCK for sure. Never let any of us bring you down. Just discipline us, send us out of the room, give us detention. I don't know, you choose. I hope one day the whole class has notice what they've done and how they hurt you because a lot of the class is stingy and only think about themselves. THANK YOU so much for being the best teacher anyone could have.
Sincerely,
MC
P.s. You are the smartest science teacher in history. Remember... YOU ROCK!!
I almost burst into tears when I read this. I have to keep telling myself I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter....
But, I did get this letter today. I need to keep reading it until I believe it....
Dear Ms. J,
I am so sorry for all the bad things that the class has done and would really like to apologize for our misbehavior, disrespect and lack of knowledge that we treated you with this past couple of weeks. I know this kind of crap can bring you down but always remember that every day is a new one with hidden surprises. On the other hand I know that a small percentage of the class has actually done their work and I apologize for our inconvenience. Thank you so much for not giving up on us, you show traits of a true fighter. You've helped us when we have problems and when we do have a situation we know that you can be the one we turn to to get the problem fixed and we can trust you 100% of the time. You supported us all the time. Miss J, you ROCK for sure. Never let any of us bring you down. Just discipline us, send us out of the room, give us detention. I don't know, you choose. I hope one day the whole class has notice what they've done and how they hurt you because a lot of the class is stingy and only think about themselves. THANK YOU so much for being the best teacher anyone could have.
Sincerely,
MC
P.s. You are the smartest science teacher in history. Remember... YOU ROCK!!
I almost burst into tears when I read this. I have to keep telling myself I matter, I matter, I matter, I matter....
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Yearly "Homo" Talk
Today, we were looking at homozygous vs. heterozygous allelic combinations. To understand the words, I always break them down into pre/suffixes. Of course, with the word 'homozygous' you just know you're going to get a headache. I tackle it head on because, well, if you don't call them out on their immaturity, then its just as bad as ignoring it.
Me: ....so whether its in terms of sexuality or alleles, homo just means "the same."
Student 1: So, Miss J, what you're saying is that when we call someone 'homo' we're just calling them the same?
Me: Yup. Not an insult. Just makes you look like an idiot.
Student: So can we just call them homosexuals instead?
Me: That's still not an insult. Also makes you look like an idiot.
Student 1: Damn
What I wanted to say but didn't: Also, humans species? Homo sapiens. So, I hate to tell you, but you're all homos.
Well, probably didn't create any gay rights activists, but at least they know if I hear them call anyone a homo they're going to catch serious hell....
Me: ....so whether its in terms of sexuality or alleles, homo just means "the same."
Student 1: So, Miss J, what you're saying is that when we call someone 'homo' we're just calling them the same?
Me: Yup. Not an insult. Just makes you look like an idiot.
Student: So can we just call them homosexuals instead?
Me: That's still not an insult. Also makes you look like an idiot.
Student 1: Damn
What I wanted to say but didn't: Also, humans species? Homo sapiens. So, I hate to tell you, but you're all homos.
Well, probably didn't create any gay rights activists, but at least they know if I hear them call anyone a homo they're going to catch serious hell....
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Let the Shanking Begin
So much for having a relaxing day.
A bolt of lightning struck the transformer, leaving our school in darkness for a couple hours today. After school there was an emergency meeting. I could not make it as I was in the middle of enjoying peace and quiet... but I did have to go all the way back to school to call all of the parents of my kids to tell them
hey
we'll probably have electricity tomorrow
but even if we dont were having school
but it might get hot
and kids might have to be moved to other classrooms
so if you dont feel like sending your kid to school,
you get to decide whats in tehir best e\\interest
but werestillgonna(have)SCgHaskdjfhOOjfhgfLkdgjnmv
ARGHHH!!!!
I got in my classroom to make these stupid calls, and find the kids had trashed it.
I am going to shank someone.
A bolt of lightning struck the transformer, leaving our school in darkness for a couple hours today. After school there was an emergency meeting. I could not make it as I was in the middle of enjoying peace and quiet... but I did have to go all the way back to school to call all of the parents of my kids to tell them
hey
we'll probably have electricity tomorrow
but even if we dont were having school
but it might get hot
and kids might have to be moved to other classrooms
so if you dont feel like sending your kid to school,
you get to decide whats in tehir best e\\interest
but werestillgonna(have)SCgHaskdjfhOOjfhgfLkdgjnmv
ARGHHH!!!!
I got in my classroom to make these stupid calls, and find the kids had trashed it.
I am going to shank someone.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Smell Beyond the Cherry
Well, I wanted to throw in the towel today.
It is that time of year... the honeymoon period is over, the kids are starting to get lazy and apathetic. They are excessively rude to each other, and they're starting to show up drunk to school just to puke all over my room.
WHAT?
Yes.
Let's start at the beginning.
Last Friday, my darling little Napoleon barfed up bright red cherry and SOMETHING all over my table, his test, and the floor. Now, I could easily make the joke that my test makes him want to hurl chunks, but NO....he got a new test and completed the whole thing no problem.
Why do I think he was drunk? Because he was acting weird and out of it beforehand, was grinning after he did it, seemed MORE ALERT and awake after AND.... and here's the most telling part, he CLEANED IT ALL UP. He refused to a) let maintenance do it (they still came later and disinfected everything) AND b) wouldn't let me get anywhere near his neon spew. I think he knew I would be able to smell beyond the cherry.
This has become a new trend at our school. Not much longer than a week ago, one of the pretty popular 8th grade girls was upset upon being caught drunk at school because well, "I only had ONE Bud Light before school!!!"
Are you kidding me?
Apparently their new things is to get their parents to buy them those alcoholic energy drinks. They come in big, Monster-like cans and since their parents don't speak or read English.... they don't know when their kids are drinking right in front of them.
ARGH!!!!
On top of this, last week I found out that a few of my favorite, favorite, favorite kids have basically dropped out of high school because they're addicted to drugs. Probably meth. They won't tell me, but I know its easy to get and meth causes one to lose weight quickly, which is exactly what happened to one of them.
So. Monday rolls around. I am already frustrated, emotional, tired, worn out, and cranky.... (lets not even get into what grad school is putting me through)
....
I go back to my classroom and realize that my SMARTBOARD still IS NOT WORKING. I try to put in another tech request (and this is ironic-- the home page talks about how its "world class IT") and as I am hitting "ENTER" it says HAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO INTERNET.
I try again.
It laughs at me.
It is the damn clown at mini golf.
So, annoyed, I look through my text books and discover there's NOTHING IN THEM THATS USEFUL (big surprise) and that I have NO EQUIPMENT WITH WHICH TO DO A LAB (another big surprise).....So, I dig through my curriculum binders and find something I'd made for last year's kids and think AHA! THIS WILL WORK!
But of course, my plans are thwarted.
All 3 of the copy machines will not work.
I spend 40 minutes of my life screwing with them, down on my hands and knees, covered in toner, grunting like some territorial baboon..... The paper will go through, and only peals of hideous laughter would come out. Ha, ha, Miss J! NO COPIES FOR YOU.
I finally figure something out, moments before I have to pick up my kids, when my homeroom does NOT make my day better. I had given the kids FOREVER to do some work in class (a mitosis project) and in the majority of my classes they DID NOT DO THE WORK THAT WAS DUE TODAY. THREE kids did the work. THREE!! ARGHHHHH!!
AND THEN ONE OF MY BOYS PANTS'D ANOTHER IN ART CLASS AND THE BOY WENT HOME CRYING.
ARGJHHHHHHFKSHDFKLSDJFKSDHFKDSJH!!
In all of my classes for the rest of the day, its the same. The kids are not doing their work. I am furious. I do not yell, I do not scream, but inside my head I am thinking:
I AM NOT DOING AWESOMELY COOL DNA EXTRACTION LABS WITH JERKY LAZY PEOPLE! I AM NOT WRITING YOU STORIES AND SONG PARODIES AND COMING UP WITH NEW DANCES FOR YOU!!! I AM NOT SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS FINDING COOL VIDEO CLIPS AND ANIMATIONS!
You so do not deserve the awesomeness that is me.
So, tomorrow, so that I do not SHANK ANY OF MY CHILDREN...
I am taking the day off.
It is that time of year... the honeymoon period is over, the kids are starting to get lazy and apathetic. They are excessively rude to each other, and they're starting to show up drunk to school just to puke all over my room.
WHAT?
Yes.
Let's start at the beginning.
Last Friday, my darling little Napoleon barfed up bright red cherry and SOMETHING all over my table, his test, and the floor. Now, I could easily make the joke that my test makes him want to hurl chunks, but NO....he got a new test and completed the whole thing no problem.
Why do I think he was drunk? Because he was acting weird and out of it beforehand, was grinning after he did it, seemed MORE ALERT and awake after AND.... and here's the most telling part, he CLEANED IT ALL UP. He refused to a) let maintenance do it (they still came later and disinfected everything) AND b) wouldn't let me get anywhere near his neon spew. I think he knew I would be able to smell beyond the cherry.
This has become a new trend at our school. Not much longer than a week ago, one of the pretty popular 8th grade girls was upset upon being caught drunk at school because well, "I only had ONE Bud Light before school!!!"
Are you kidding me?
Apparently their new things is to get their parents to buy them those alcoholic energy drinks. They come in big, Monster-like cans and since their parents don't speak or read English.... they don't know when their kids are drinking right in front of them.
ARGH!!!!
On top of this, last week I found out that a few of my favorite, favorite, favorite kids have basically dropped out of high school because they're addicted to drugs. Probably meth. They won't tell me, but I know its easy to get and meth causes one to lose weight quickly, which is exactly what happened to one of them.
So. Monday rolls around. I am already frustrated, emotional, tired, worn out, and cranky.... (lets not even get into what grad school is putting me through)
....
I go back to my classroom and realize that my SMARTBOARD still IS NOT WORKING. I try to put in another tech request (and this is ironic-- the home page talks about how its "world class IT") and as I am hitting "ENTER" it says HAHAHAH YOU HAVE NO INTERNET.
I try again.
It laughs at me.
It is the damn clown at mini golf.
So, annoyed, I look through my text books and discover there's NOTHING IN THEM THATS USEFUL (big surprise) and that I have NO EQUIPMENT WITH WHICH TO DO A LAB (another big surprise).....So, I dig through my curriculum binders and find something I'd made for last year's kids and think AHA! THIS WILL WORK!
But of course, my plans are thwarted.
All 3 of the copy machines will not work.
I spend 40 minutes of my life screwing with them, down on my hands and knees, covered in toner, grunting like some territorial baboon..... The paper will go through, and only peals of hideous laughter would come out. Ha, ha, Miss J! NO COPIES FOR YOU.
I finally figure something out, moments before I have to pick up my kids, when my homeroom does NOT make my day better. I had given the kids FOREVER to do some work in class (a mitosis project) and in the majority of my classes they DID NOT DO THE WORK THAT WAS DUE TODAY. THREE kids did the work. THREE!! ARGHHHHH!!
AND THEN ONE OF MY BOYS PANTS'D ANOTHER IN ART CLASS AND THE BOY WENT HOME CRYING.
ARGJHHHHHHFKSHDFKLSDJFKSDHFKDSJH!!
In all of my classes for the rest of the day, its the same. The kids are not doing their work. I am furious. I do not yell, I do not scream, but inside my head I am thinking:
I AM NOT DOING AWESOMELY COOL DNA EXTRACTION LABS WITH JERKY LAZY PEOPLE! I AM NOT WRITING YOU STORIES AND SONG PARODIES AND COMING UP WITH NEW DANCES FOR YOU!!! I AM NOT SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS FINDING COOL VIDEO CLIPS AND ANIMATIONS!
You so do not deserve the awesomeness that is me.
So, tomorrow, so that I do not SHANK ANY OF MY CHILDREN...
I am taking the day off.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Vanilla Shake....
Well, it's getting earlier each year.
Today, one of my 8th grade boys told me I should enter a booty shaking contest.
Sweet lord. How I miss the days where they waited until at least DECEMBER to sexually harass me.....
Today, one of my 8th grade boys told me I should enter a booty shaking contest.
Sweet lord. How I miss the days where they waited until at least DECEMBER to sexually harass me.....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Website is Up!
Booyah!
After a year of working on it, my website is finally up and running!
There are still a few pages that are in progress, but the brunt is up!
You can check it out by clicking here.
Many thanks to Rob Lane and his friend Christina who helped me get it working!
After a year of working on it, my website is finally up and running!
There are still a few pages that are in progress, but the brunt is up!
You can check it out by clicking here.
Many thanks to Rob Lane and his friend Christina who helped me get it working!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Dear Arizona
Dear Arizona,
You are not cool. I am not only referring to the 120 degree heat index which led to me keeping my kids in from recess, leaving me with approximately a 10 minute lunch break.
I am not only referring to your politics, which have caused many of my favorite students to move back to Mexico, or to California or New Mexico out of fear of your racist ass.
I am also referring to the fact that two weeks after you infested by bed with FIRE ANTS,(leaving me with giant welts all over my lower quadrants) you felt it necessary to put a scorpion on my comforter. Not cool, Arizona. Not cool.
You need to learn how to make better choices, or we are going to have a serious throw down.
Love,
Miss J
You are not cool. I am not only referring to the 120 degree heat index which led to me keeping my kids in from recess, leaving me with approximately a 10 minute lunch break.
I am not only referring to your politics, which have caused many of my favorite students to move back to Mexico, or to California or New Mexico out of fear of your racist ass.
I am also referring to the fact that two weeks after you infested by bed with FIRE ANTS,(leaving me with giant welts all over my lower quadrants) you felt it necessary to put a scorpion on my comforter. Not cool, Arizona. Not cool.
You need to learn how to make better choices, or we are going to have a serious throw down.
Love,
Miss J
Isn't Education Great?
This post is to remind me that I need to post about Iraq, Jihad, Murder and Suicide.
And no, its not what you think.
Unless you're Mr. Faulkawitz.
And no, its not what you think.
Unless you're Mr. Faulkawitz.
More Visitors!
Today should have been gawd awful, but before AND after out team meeting, I saw a TON of my former kids!
Before: Raul (who once drew a unibrow on his face in 6th grade), Yamaha (who delightfully gave me shit every morning last year) Castro (my "son").
After: Adonis (one of the smartest kids I've ever had), Rosalie (she is my younger, Hispanic twin-- we love all the same books, and have the same sense of humor) the Torres Brothers (one of which is my "Nephew.") and Angel (the one who fell on his face out of the blue last year.)
How can I ever leave this community?
Before: Raul (who once drew a unibrow on his face in 6th grade), Yamaha (who delightfully gave me shit every morning last year) Castro (my "son").
After: Adonis (one of the smartest kids I've ever had), Rosalie (she is my younger, Hispanic twin-- we love all the same books, and have the same sense of humor) the Torres Brothers (one of which is my "Nephew.") and Angel (the one who fell on his face out of the blue last year.)
How can I ever leave this community?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Setting up Rapport on the 1st Days
This is for you teachers out there.....
Here are some of the things that have worked for me, teaching 8th grade Science to a mostly Hispanic population:
1. I have an alumni wall, which I think I've mentioned before. Pictures of my previous students fill up the wall-- some on crazy hair day, or 8th grade promotion. Others show what we did in science. The kids LOVE looking at the wall (which is approx two by eight feet)-- finding some of their older brothers and sisters and some of their friends.
2. I have an about me mini bulletin board where kids can look at pictures I took from trips to Africa, Japan, London etc, see pictures of my family, my pets and so on.
3. There are two "Who We Are" bulletin boards in the back of the room that I invited them to decorate to make the class theirs. Already, they're mostly covered by pictures, drawings, song lyrics, and other things the kids say represent them.
4. I share with them 7 things that most people know about me, and 7 things most people don't know about me--including some things that are very personal--dark spots from my family's history, for example. Other things are my goals, things I love to learn about, things I'm terrible at (sports....), things I hope they teach me. I ask them to do the same and it's amazing how much they share after they heard some darker things from me.
5. When they walk in, they have a letter from a previous year's student telling them what to expect from me, and from the class. Most of the kids say that I'm fun, a total child, but strict. They give advice as to how to succeed. This combined with the pictures on the alumni wall helps them get a feel for my personality.
6. I identify with them. I tell them I'm basically a surly 16 year old, so if someone tells me to do something, my first instinct is to ask why-- especially if I don't know or respect the person. How many of them are like that? All of 'em. So, if they're not sure why I'm asking them to do something, or if it seems pointless or stupid-- if they're respectful, they can ask. And I will have an answer. If I don't, we'll stop. I made a "QUESTION EVERYTHING....respectfully" poster, and tie this into the uniform our school has to wear, and some of other school rules the kids hate.
7. I give a relatively easy quiz at the beginning of the year, in the first week to establish a "Yes I can!" attitude in the kids. I post all the top 10 scorers on my board, and permanently put their names on a bulletin board for each time they make it. There is also a class by class competition tied into this using class averages. The class with the highest average gets 4 points, 3, 2 and 1. At the end of the semester, the class with the highest points gets a pizza party. I also post all 100% scores on a board-- already, I've had 4 girls who said they didn't like science on the first day change their minds because now they think they can...and I can gradually make it harder and push them more.
8. I hold an auction in October--snacks and school supplies. Money consists of 1/3 sticky notes in bright colors that I cut and give to kids anytime they do something I like-- ask a question, answer a question, quietly work, involve others in a discussion, clean up, etc. This way, I can reinforce good behavior right away and work on their ability to delay gratification (behaviorism anybody?)
9. I tell the kids I want their parents numbers (which I can get from the computer anyway) so I can call home and say good things about them. I target the kids who scoff at me first-- they're almost always new and they don't know my rep and don't have one of their own yet. I give then a ton of attention, stickies, praise, and call home within the first couple of days to prove I mean business. After that, they're in my pocket. One student, who scoffed at me hardcore, now gives me a fistbump every day. Today, he said "Best part of my day, comin' up!" Heck yes.
10. My consequences are: 1 a warning, 2 a side conversation wherin I pull you out of class to redirect or ask what is wrong, 3 a student-teacher conference after school to fix what's going on wrong and see if I am doing something to upset them, 4 call home, 5 detention. They like that we work it out multiple times before I involve their parents. Usually, it doesn't get past 3.
11. We practice procedures a LOT. And by a lot, I mean a lot. As the week goes on, I add more, depending on what each class needs. If they see something as a procedure and not as a rule, they're more likely to do it. If they're not, I ask them what the procedure is, and have them redo it calmly. This may mean lining up a class and bringing them all back in if they're being too rowdy. Procedures NEVER STOP! Add and take away more as you go!
12. If students aren't doing what I ask, I always jump in nicely (with my eyebrows up like I'm excited to help) with "Is there a question"? or "can I help you with something" instead of the authoritarian "Why are you talking? Didn't I tell you not to talk!!!!" They either look guilty and stop, or they ask!
13. I write tons of "Positive Referrals." When the kids get them the ISS lady (who is AWESOME and everyone knows her and wants to impress her) or the assistant principal calls home, and tells the parents how awesome their kids are. They also get a certificate, a copy of the referral and a candy bar from her. She comes to the classrooms and presents them and makes a big deal out of how awesome they are.
Here are some of the things that have worked for me, teaching 8th grade Science to a mostly Hispanic population:
1. I have an alumni wall, which I think I've mentioned before. Pictures of my previous students fill up the wall-- some on crazy hair day, or 8th grade promotion. Others show what we did in science. The kids LOVE looking at the wall (which is approx two by eight feet)-- finding some of their older brothers and sisters and some of their friends.
2. I have an about me mini bulletin board where kids can look at pictures I took from trips to Africa, Japan, London etc, see pictures of my family, my pets and so on.
3. There are two "Who We Are" bulletin boards in the back of the room that I invited them to decorate to make the class theirs. Already, they're mostly covered by pictures, drawings, song lyrics, and other things the kids say represent them.
4. I share with them 7 things that most people know about me, and 7 things most people don't know about me--including some things that are very personal--dark spots from my family's history, for example. Other things are my goals, things I love to learn about, things I'm terrible at (sports....), things I hope they teach me. I ask them to do the same and it's amazing how much they share after they heard some darker things from me.
5. When they walk in, they have a letter from a previous year's student telling them what to expect from me, and from the class. Most of the kids say that I'm fun, a total child, but strict. They give advice as to how to succeed. This combined with the pictures on the alumni wall helps them get a feel for my personality.
6. I identify with them. I tell them I'm basically a surly 16 year old, so if someone tells me to do something, my first instinct is to ask why-- especially if I don't know or respect the person. How many of them are like that? All of 'em. So, if they're not sure why I'm asking them to do something, or if it seems pointless or stupid-- if they're respectful, they can ask. And I will have an answer. If I don't, we'll stop. I made a "QUESTION EVERYTHING....respectfully" poster, and tie this into the uniform our school has to wear, and some of other school rules the kids hate.
7. I give a relatively easy quiz at the beginning of the year, in the first week to establish a "Yes I can!" attitude in the kids. I post all the top 10 scorers on my board, and permanently put their names on a bulletin board for each time they make it. There is also a class by class competition tied into this using class averages. The class with the highest average gets 4 points, 3, 2 and 1. At the end of the semester, the class with the highest points gets a pizza party. I also post all 100% scores on a board-- already, I've had 4 girls who said they didn't like science on the first day change their minds because now they think they can...and I can gradually make it harder and push them more.
8. I hold an auction in October--snacks and school supplies. Money consists of 1/3 sticky notes in bright colors that I cut and give to kids anytime they do something I like-- ask a question, answer a question, quietly work, involve others in a discussion, clean up, etc. This way, I can reinforce good behavior right away and work on their ability to delay gratification (behaviorism anybody?)
9. I tell the kids I want their parents numbers (which I can get from the computer anyway) so I can call home and say good things about them. I target the kids who scoff at me first-- they're almost always new and they don't know my rep and don't have one of their own yet. I give then a ton of attention, stickies, praise, and call home within the first couple of days to prove I mean business. After that, they're in my pocket. One student, who scoffed at me hardcore, now gives me a fistbump every day. Today, he said "Best part of my day, comin' up!" Heck yes.
10. My consequences are: 1 a warning, 2 a side conversation wherin I pull you out of class to redirect or ask what is wrong, 3 a student-teacher conference after school to fix what's going on wrong and see if I am doing something to upset them, 4 call home, 5 detention. They like that we work it out multiple times before I involve their parents. Usually, it doesn't get past 3.
11. We practice procedures a LOT. And by a lot, I mean a lot. As the week goes on, I add more, depending on what each class needs. If they see something as a procedure and not as a rule, they're more likely to do it. If they're not, I ask them what the procedure is, and have them redo it calmly. This may mean lining up a class and bringing them all back in if they're being too rowdy. Procedures NEVER STOP! Add and take away more as you go!
12. If students aren't doing what I ask, I always jump in nicely (with my eyebrows up like I'm excited to help) with "Is there a question"? or "can I help you with something" instead of the authoritarian "Why are you talking? Didn't I tell you not to talk!!!!" They either look guilty and stop, or they ask!
13. I write tons of "Positive Referrals." When the kids get them the ISS lady (who is AWESOME and everyone knows her and wants to impress her) or the assistant principal calls home, and tells the parents how awesome their kids are. They also get a certificate, a copy of the referral and a candy bar from her. She comes to the classrooms and presents them and makes a big deal out of how awesome they are.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Shut it: Student Version
Dear New Students,
Please do not complain when I ask you to write a summarizing paragraph after watching a video. Do you know what I have to do?
I have to read horrid sentences like
"They dispel any remaining assumptions we may hold that tracking decisions are systematically objective and rational; they show that arbitrary and idiosyncratic placement decisions are common, and can be related to seat availability in classes or students’ ascribed characteristics."
200 pages of that. And then take notes. And then write a ten page paper analyzing my school through the lens of said crap.
Every week.
So, please. Shut it. You may have it rough at home, but you have no idea what hard work is.
Love,
Miss J
Please do not complain when I ask you to write a summarizing paragraph after watching a video. Do you know what I have to do?
I have to read horrid sentences like
"They dispel any remaining assumptions we may hold that tracking decisions are systematically objective and rational; they show that arbitrary and idiosyncratic placement decisions are common, and can be related to seat availability in classes or students’ ascribed characteristics."
200 pages of that. And then take notes. And then write a ten page paper analyzing my school through the lens of said crap.
Every week.
So, please. Shut it. You may have it rough at home, but you have no idea what hard work is.
Love,
Miss J
Shanked a Rhino
Student: Miss J, you ain't tough.
Me: Pfft. I shanked a rhino once.
Student: Was it already dead?
Me: Well, yeah. But I killed it with my GLARE.
Student: Yeah, your face will do that to a person.
Damn it.
Me: Pfft. I shanked a rhino once.
Student: Was it already dead?
Me: Well, yeah. But I killed it with my GLARE.
Student: Yeah, your face will do that to a person.
Damn it.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Umlaut isn't Sexy....Yet.
Last year, of our students tried to teach us how to create ghetto names. According to I-Sha-Kia, one has to have multiple capitol letters as well as punctuation. (And how can you argue with a girl named I-Sha-Kia?)
Not long after, I learned the name La-a. Of course, being a white girl, I looked at it, puzzled, and thought "La....ah?" Nope.
La. Dash. a.
Hilarious.
So, I've been working on my own ghetto fabulous names.
I will be J'Niqua (as I'm Miss J)
and my "first borns"?
L' and S*.
Oh yeah. Lapostrophe and Sasterisk. (Cuz I'm so sassy.)
If a boy? P&.
Pampersand. He be all KINDSA spoilt.
Not long after, I learned the name La-a. Of course, being a white girl, I looked at it, puzzled, and thought "La....ah?" Nope.
La. Dash. a.
Hilarious.
So, I've been working on my own ghetto fabulous names.
I will be J'Niqua (as I'm Miss J)
and my "first borns"?
L' and S*.
Oh yeah. Lapostrophe and Sasterisk. (Cuz I'm so sassy.)
If a boy? P&.
Pampersand. He be all KINDSA spoilt.
Badass be GONE!
This year, I have a lot of male students who think they are badasses. They're not. But they really think they are, with their skinny jeans and huge hoop earrings (What is with the girl fashion on boys? I am clearly an old person who just does not get it). This does not fly with me. You are not cool unless you can loosen up and laugh at yourself.
So, I have a plan to demolish their stupid egos and turn them into humans that are actually funny and fun to be around. By doing what, you ask? By manipulating them into doing TOTALLY STUPID THINGS!!!
SO far:
1. I convinced a kid that his drawing of a horse needed a horn, because unicorns are way better. He disagreed-- cowboys could not ride unicorns. Unicorns are too fruity. I made stupid noises at him and said "I'm sorry, if there was a big black horse with a huge horn running full speed at me...ready to stab me THROUGH THE HEART because it had a HUGE SWORD on its FACE..... I would be afraid. Unicorns don't have to be pink and sparkly you know. They're actually kind of b-a." He disagreed.I smirked like he didn't know what he was talking about and walked away. Then, when I walked back 5 minutes later, there was a horn drawn on his horse. And--best part-- a rainbow drawn on its butt.
2. I got my unruly last class (which is mostly boys) to sing this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0305/video-extr-q-350-03.html with exuberance. Score: Ms J. 1, kiddos naught. Oh yeah-- and that part where the singer says "and skin and BRAIN!"? We all shake our fists to it and amp up the voice. And we may even sway-dance back and forth.... heh heh heh.
3. I bought this totally ridiculous, bright green, googly-eyed, felt hat. It was a couple dollars at Michael's and has a lizard-like appearance with its spikes on the top. Its totally awesome. I call it my Godzilla hat. Knowing teenagers.... I used reverse psychology. I told them I would chase them around with the hat on if they didn't behave. Which triggered all of my too-cool-for-school boys to want to wear it. And they do.
Whatever shall I do next? Heh, heh, heh.
If you have any ideas.... let me know!
So, I have a plan to demolish their stupid egos and turn them into humans that are actually funny and fun to be around. By doing what, you ask? By manipulating them into doing TOTALLY STUPID THINGS!!!
SO far:
1. I convinced a kid that his drawing of a horse needed a horn, because unicorns are way better. He disagreed-- cowboys could not ride unicorns. Unicorns are too fruity. I made stupid noises at him and said "I'm sorry, if there was a big black horse with a huge horn running full speed at me...ready to stab me THROUGH THE HEART because it had a HUGE SWORD on its FACE..... I would be afraid. Unicorns don't have to be pink and sparkly you know. They're actually kind of b-a." He disagreed.I smirked like he didn't know what he was talking about and walked away. Then, when I walked back 5 minutes later, there was a horn drawn on his horse. And--best part-- a rainbow drawn on its butt.
2. I got my unruly last class (which is mostly boys) to sing this: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0305/video-extr-q-350-03.html with exuberance. Score: Ms J. 1, kiddos naught. Oh yeah-- and that part where the singer says "and skin and BRAIN!"? We all shake our fists to it and amp up the voice. And we may even sway-dance back and forth.... heh heh heh.
3. I bought this totally ridiculous, bright green, googly-eyed, felt hat. It was a couple dollars at Michael's and has a lizard-like appearance with its spikes on the top. Its totally awesome. I call it my Godzilla hat. Knowing teenagers.... I used reverse psychology. I told them I would chase them around with the hat on if they didn't behave. Which triggered all of my too-cool-for-school boys to want to wear it. And they do.
Whatever shall I do next? Heh, heh, heh.
If you have any ideas.... let me know!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Aaaakward!
Dude.
I think one of my former students just half-assedly asked me out. Totally out of the blue.
He's a sophomore.
In high school.
I would laugh if it wasn't so....totally weird.
I feel dirty.
I mean, I know the kids love me, but this is absurd.
I think one of my former students just half-assedly asked me out. Totally out of the blue.
He's a sophomore.
In high school.
I would laugh if it wasn't so....totally weird.
I feel dirty.
I mean, I know the kids love me, but this is absurd.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Branam!
During my 9-10 block today, I turned into a monster. But not of fury. A monster of giddiness. My assistant principal stuck his head in my door with this "I'm trying to make amends" face, and told me he had a surprise for me. He said something like "I know you would kill me if I didn't bring him to you." And in walked one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE FORMER STUDENTS!
I nearly shrieked with glee-- and I definitely would have if my new kids weren't taking a pre-assessment. This kid made me laugh every single day last year. He's one of those rare humans who is kind of ageless. Acts like a mischievous 5-year-old and a complete grown-up at the same time. A total shit head but knows his limits. He's just awesome. Or maybe he's just like me so we get each other. Who knows.
Anyhow, Branam gave me a huge hug, and my entire class looked at me in a strange kind of shock (what kind of teacher is THAT happy to see a student?). He told me he had really good news, but I was just happy to see a face of someone who got my sense of humor-- that was good enough. But then he told me-- he EXCEEDED on his state science exam! Not passed. Exceeded! And so did his twin brother! I think my face almost fell off I was grinning so much.
"That's incredible! I am so proud of you! Now imagine what you would have accomplished if you actually came to class everyday..."
"Two minutes in and already giving me a hard time," he replied.
Always.
After school he came back and we talked for almost two hours about summer, high school, college, life, family.... and when I went home I couldn't stop smiling. You always hope that you make a difference to kids. They wiggle their way into your heart and you find yourself worrying about them. You hope that they learned something from you-- especially something nonacademic-- something about life. Something about being a good person. About working hard because its worth it. About not giving up even when everything totally sucks.
But you don't always realize how much of a difference they make to you.
I say it all the time, but its true. These kids are my heart. How am I ever going to leave them?
I nearly shrieked with glee-- and I definitely would have if my new kids weren't taking a pre-assessment. This kid made me laugh every single day last year. He's one of those rare humans who is kind of ageless. Acts like a mischievous 5-year-old and a complete grown-up at the same time. A total shit head but knows his limits. He's just awesome. Or maybe he's just like me so we get each other. Who knows.
Anyhow, Branam gave me a huge hug, and my entire class looked at me in a strange kind of shock (what kind of teacher is THAT happy to see a student?). He told me he had really good news, but I was just happy to see a face of someone who got my sense of humor-- that was good enough. But then he told me-- he EXCEEDED on his state science exam! Not passed. Exceeded! And so did his twin brother! I think my face almost fell off I was grinning so much.
"That's incredible! I am so proud of you! Now imagine what you would have accomplished if you actually came to class everyday..."
"Two minutes in and already giving me a hard time," he replied.
Always.
After school he came back and we talked for almost two hours about summer, high school, college, life, family.... and when I went home I couldn't stop smiling. You always hope that you make a difference to kids. They wiggle their way into your heart and you find yourself worrying about them. You hope that they learned something from you-- especially something nonacademic-- something about life. Something about being a good person. About working hard because its worth it. About not giving up even when everything totally sucks.
But you don't always realize how much of a difference they make to you.
I say it all the time, but its true. These kids are my heart. How am I ever going to leave them?
Froward.
Stanley: Hey, don't mess up my 'fro.
Me: Stanley, you don't have a 'fro.
Stanley: It's an afro in training. Give it time.
Me: I look forward to it.
Stanley: You mean.... you look FRO-word to it. Heh heh heh.
I think I'm going to have a lot of Stanley quotes this year.
Me: Stanley, you don't have a 'fro.
Stanley: It's an afro in training. Give it time.
Me: I look forward to it.
Stanley: You mean.... you look FRO-word to it. Heh heh heh.
I think I'm going to have a lot of Stanley quotes this year.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
That's LEGIT
Student, pointing to the Alumni Wall: Is that Ms. Cary on your wall?
Me: Yup.
Kid: Isn't she with Silver?
Me: WHAT?! No! God. You guys are so behind. I've been with him for two years now.
Kids: WHAT?! YOU STOLE MS CARY'S MAN!
Kid: 2 Years? Damn. That's legit.
Me: Yup.
Kid: Isn't she with Silver?
Me: WHAT?! No! God. You guys are so behind. I've been with him for two years now.
Kids: WHAT?! YOU STOLE MS CARY'S MAN!
Kid: 2 Years? Damn. That's legit.
Buckwheat
So, last year, Stanley, Jerry and I were the only people who would end up at some of the boys' basketball games. We'd cheer our boys on relentlessly, even if they were getting walloped. Stanley loved to shout "BUCKWHEAT!" at any of the uber-white, upper-middle class boys as they were shooting free-throws.
Stanley: Buckwheat!
Me: Say what?! You can't call me buckwheat! I'm one of YOU! You kidding me....
Stanley: (thinks for a second) Can I call everyone else in class buckwheat, and you the baker then?
Me: What?!
Stanley: Cuz we're all the buckwheat-seeds and you're gonna turn us all into bread.
I can't....argue with that.
Stanley: Buckwheat!
Me: Say what?! You can't call me buckwheat! I'm one of YOU! You kidding me....
Stanley: (thinks for a second) Can I call everyone else in class buckwheat, and you the baker then?
Me: What?!
Stanley: Cuz we're all the buckwheat-seeds and you're gonna turn us all into bread.
I can't....argue with that.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Year 5: Day 1
So, I forgot how weird kids are the first day.
1. The noisy ones are quiet because they're trying to figure you out.
2. The new smart-asses scoff at you and are the only ones who don't take your word because they don't know your reputation or have a place in the school yet.
3. They don't laugh at any of your stupid jokes because they don't get you.
4. They don't talk to each other even when you ask them to.
5. The ones who don't believe your reputation try to slyly get away with small infractions to see if you'll notice-- and you better.
6. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the weird, awkward kid who asks too many damn questions.
7. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the kid who's been the jackass in class for last five years.
8. They don't bother saying your name, and refer to you as "Hey you" or "teacher," but because they don't know the other teacher's names that well yet, they don't yet call you by their names.
1 down. 179 to go! Not a bad first day.
1. The noisy ones are quiet because they're trying to figure you out.
2. The new smart-asses scoff at you and are the only ones who don't take your word because they don't know your reputation or have a place in the school yet.
3. They don't laugh at any of your stupid jokes because they don't get you.
4. They don't talk to each other even when you ask them to.
5. The ones who don't believe your reputation try to slyly get away with small infractions to see if you'll notice-- and you better.
6. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the weird, awkward kid who asks too many damn questions.
7. They eagerly wait to see how you'll deal with the kid who's been the jackass in class for last five years.
8. They don't bother saying your name, and refer to you as "Hey you" or "teacher," but because they don't know the other teacher's names that well yet, they don't yet call you by their names.
1 down. 179 to go! Not a bad first day.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Old Students Heal Me
Student: How was your day?
Me: I have demons in my homeroom.
Student: Ooh, you can handle it. You had worse. I know you can control them. You're Miss J so there is nothing to worry about. They dont know that they got the best teacher i've ever had. i know those kids don't really care about school. honestly i wished i could go back in time and not do any of the mistakes i made cuz i feel like i messed up at the beginning.
Me: Its not too late to fix anything. I have a lot of faith in and hope for you. You could be a good role model for the next generation and inspire/motivate them.
Student: Thank you. that really motivates me. im going to study starting tonight bcuz i want to make you proud so you wont have to worry about me. :D Also, could you put [my girlfriend] at the front of the room and pick on her and have fun with her? Always keep her on her feet, make sure she doesn't fall behind cuz she's really smart n she says she hates science but your science is diff'rent.
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Girl to sister and her evil friend: You have Miss J for homeroom?! She's the BEST TEACHER EVER.
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Panerio: Miss J, I'm going to wear my old school uniform and hop the fence so I can make sure the new kids are good to you on the first day.
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Jacky, Anay and her family, Jerry (the a-salted one-- did I tell that story?), Vianey, Yesenia, Panerio, and a couple others all came to see me today during open house.
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Note:
I have to type and remember these things or the negative swirling doom that I'm feeling every second might overwhelm me. We are so quick to worry, and so quick to forget that we make a difference, and that the kids we care so much about care about us right back. I am worried that I might have inadvertently taken on too much this year. I am worried (like I worry every year) that my kids won't get me, that we won't click, and that I won't have any fun with them. I am worried that I'll try so hard to make my co-workers successful and my kids happy and knowledgeable that I'll lose myself in the process. This is why I need to remember the good-- like the snippets above. And the extra good-- like the snippet below. It takes a community to teach a kid, and it also takes one to pick up the tired teacher.
Me: I have demons in my homeroom.
Student: Ooh, you can handle it. You had worse. I know you can control them. You're Miss J so there is nothing to worry about. They dont know that they got the best teacher i've ever had. i know those kids don't really care about school. honestly i wished i could go back in time and not do any of the mistakes i made cuz i feel like i messed up at the beginning.
Me: Its not too late to fix anything. I have a lot of faith in and hope for you. You could be a good role model for the next generation and inspire/motivate them.
Student: Thank you. that really motivates me. im going to study starting tonight bcuz i want to make you proud so you wont have to worry about me. :D Also, could you put [my girlfriend] at the front of the room and pick on her and have fun with her? Always keep her on her feet, make sure she doesn't fall behind cuz she's really smart n she says she hates science but your science is diff'rent.
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Girl to sister and her evil friend: You have Miss J for homeroom?! She's the BEST TEACHER EVER.
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Panerio: Miss J, I'm going to wear my old school uniform and hop the fence so I can make sure the new kids are good to you on the first day.
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Jacky, Anay and her family, Jerry (the a-salted one-- did I tell that story?), Vianey, Yesenia, Panerio, and a couple others all came to see me today during open house.
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Note:
I have to type and remember these things or the negative swirling doom that I'm feeling every second might overwhelm me. We are so quick to worry, and so quick to forget that we make a difference, and that the kids we care so much about care about us right back. I am worried that I might have inadvertently taken on too much this year. I am worried (like I worry every year) that my kids won't get me, that we won't click, and that I won't have any fun with them. I am worried that I'll try so hard to make my co-workers successful and my kids happy and knowledgeable that I'll lose myself in the process. This is why I need to remember the good-- like the snippets above. And the extra good-- like the snippet below. It takes a community to teach a kid, and it also takes one to pick up the tired teacher.
Ms. R
Ms. R is turning into my favorite person at school.
She was a 1st year teacher last year, and I thought she did a really great job. She loved the little shits the most. She never gave up, always had a good attitude, and kept learning. She didn't spontaneously combust. Of course, she'll probably tell you that she was 2/3 an atomic bomb of a disaster, but I'm not validating that garbage.
This year, she is--as Sebastian might say-- one saucy mama.
Now that she is a well-seasoned veteran, she has come back with good advice and tons of attitude. She's this take-charge tornado who now KNOWS that teaching is sometimes a shit storm, and knows she can weather it. She just puts on a poncho (or, the most teachery dress you'll see on a 20-something year old) and bears it.
I don't normally write about teachers, but Ms. R kills me. As a mentor teacher, I should be the one stopping heart attacks. Here, it's the other way around. Every time I go into panic mode, she tells me about her great idea of wearing a fanny pack full of math manipulatives. Or tells a story about last year's "Mysterious Ball Puncher." (If your mind went to a dirty place... you were right). And she gives me realistic suggestions that calm me down.
She may feel like she's not my equal, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even a new class list. And boy, could I use that.
P.s. By the way, Ms. R, if you're reading this.... you need to email me your blog address because I no longer have it.
She was a 1st year teacher last year, and I thought she did a really great job. She loved the little shits the most. She never gave up, always had a good attitude, and kept learning. She didn't spontaneously combust. Of course, she'll probably tell you that she was 2/3 an atomic bomb of a disaster, but I'm not validating that garbage.
This year, she is--as Sebastian might say-- one saucy mama.
Now that she is a well-seasoned veteran, she has come back with good advice and tons of attitude. She's this take-charge tornado who now KNOWS that teaching is sometimes a shit storm, and knows she can weather it. She just puts on a poncho (or, the most teachery dress you'll see on a 20-something year old) and bears it.
I don't normally write about teachers, but Ms. R kills me. As a mentor teacher, I should be the one stopping heart attacks. Here, it's the other way around. Every time I go into panic mode, she tells me about her great idea of wearing a fanny pack full of math manipulatives. Or tells a story about last year's "Mysterious Ball Puncher." (If your mind went to a dirty place... you were right). And she gives me realistic suggestions that calm me down.
She may feel like she's not my equal, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even a new class list. And boy, could I use that.
P.s. By the way, Ms. R, if you're reading this.... you need to email me your blog address because I no longer have it.
Day 6
Day 6. Thursday. ABORT MISSION. ABORT! DEMONS ON CLASS LIST! ABORT MISSION! Teeth, Napoleon, Girl-Who-Called-A-Teacher-A-Cunt-And-Said-She-Should-Choke-On-A-Dick, her best friend, Pure Evil, and Cashew?! MAYDAY MAYDAY TEACHER GOING DOWN.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Dear School.
Day 1: Sunday. Heck yes, school, bring it on!
Day 2: Monday. Dear school. I did not mean for you to bring it on that much. Please bring it on slightly less. And then give me a snack. And nap time.
Day 3: Tuesday. School, my brain is still exploding. I am developing ADD, and I'm pretty sure that you're the cause, because I have not been eating foods with high levels of dyes. So, I need more stimulation, please. Or maybe a dance-party break. Or maybe for you to provide me an extra few hours of day.
Day 4: Wednesday. School. If you had a middle and a last name, I would use it in a scolding tone. You are not living up to your potential. You were supposed to teach me useful things every day so I could grow as a human, and you are not. The only thing I got from you was crabs from the bathroom.
Okay, so maybe that's a lie, but you did once give me lice, so its not that big a leap. I am, however, strangely happy that I am having a medical issue so that I do not have to sit and stab my eyeball out. That would be a much worse medical issue. Please do better tomorrow.
Day 2: Monday. Dear school. I did not mean for you to bring it on that much. Please bring it on slightly less. And then give me a snack. And nap time.
Day 3: Tuesday. School, my brain is still exploding. I am developing ADD, and I'm pretty sure that you're the cause, because I have not been eating foods with high levels of dyes. So, I need more stimulation, please. Or maybe a dance-party break. Or maybe for you to provide me an extra few hours of day.
Day 4: Wednesday. School. If you had a middle and a last name, I would use it in a scolding tone. You are not living up to your potential. You were supposed to teach me useful things every day so I could grow as a human, and you are not. The only thing I got from you was crabs from the bathroom.
Okay, so maybe that's a lie, but you did once give me lice, so its not that big a leap. I am, however, strangely happy that I am having a medical issue so that I do not have to sit and stab my eyeball out. That would be a much worse medical issue. Please do better tomorrow.
This is Why I Love this Child
Favorite: Miss J, are you still teaching science this year?
Me: Yes, but we have two new science teachers.
Favorite: Well, they can't take your place cuz no one can do a job better than you. Thats been proven by society.
That was exactly what I needed today.
Me: Yes, but we have two new science teachers.
Favorite: Well, they can't take your place cuz no one can do a job better than you. Thats been proven by society.
That was exactly what I needed today.
Denialism Ticks me Off
Today, I saw a bumper sticker that said this:
Global warming.
A dangerous, man-made phenomenon created by Marxist ideals and junk science.
I wanted to ninja kick his face. Right off.
I love it how people have decided that science is something that can be "believed" or "not believed." This isn't religion, people.
You can choose to not understand, you can be not ready to understand. But how do you decide to just deny it? Why does the idea that you have the potential to screw up the planet insult you? Or take the evolution debate. Why does it insult you that you came from a long line of ancestors that changed over time?
I wonder if this guy also denies gravity, the spherical nature of earth, and that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. And I bet he thinks he's at the center of the universe.
Global warming.
A dangerous, man-made phenomenon created by Marxist ideals and junk science.
I wanted to ninja kick his face. Right off.
I love it how people have decided that science is something that can be "believed" or "not believed." This isn't religion, people.
You can choose to not understand, you can be not ready to understand. But how do you decide to just deny it? Why does the idea that you have the potential to screw up the planet insult you? Or take the evolution debate. Why does it insult you that you came from a long line of ancestors that changed over time?
I wonder if this guy also denies gravity, the spherical nature of earth, and that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. And I bet he thinks he's at the center of the universe.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Whose Team are YOU on?
An old, old story I forgot to post:
The other day, one of my girls came up to me-- all Twilighted out on free dress day. She'd been having quite the heated argument with another one of the girls and needed me to settle something for them.
"Miss J, which team are you on?"
"Huh?"
"You know! Twilight. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Because honestly, if you say Team Jacob, I'm going to scream, I mean, like, Edward is Bella's SOUL MATE. So, Team Edward, right?"
I put on my biggest, cheesiest smile, my most enthusiastic voice.
"Team KNOWLEDGE, baby! OH yeah. Knowledge is sexy. Nobody has better abs than KNOWLEDGE."
She was not amused.
The other day, one of my girls came up to me-- all Twilighted out on free dress day. She'd been having quite the heated argument with another one of the girls and needed me to settle something for them.
"Miss J, which team are you on?"
"Huh?"
"You know! Twilight. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Because honestly, if you say Team Jacob, I'm going to scream, I mean, like, Edward is Bella's SOUL MATE. So, Team Edward, right?"
I put on my biggest, cheesiest smile, my most enthusiastic voice.
"Team KNOWLEDGE, baby! OH yeah. Knowledge is sexy. Nobody has better abs than KNOWLEDGE."
She was not amused.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Texts of Happiness
The universe wants me to keep teaching.
In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.
Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.
And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"
These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.
In the last 2 weeks, I have gotten text messages from all sorts of former students, all totally out of the blue.
Sergio told me about traveling with his soccer team across the country, and to keep my fingers crossed for him.
Monica just wanted to check in and make sure "my man" was treating me well.
Alex wanted legal counsel, and to meet up and talk when I got back to Phoenix.
Zariah wanted to tell me that I reminded her of Julia Styles.
Vianey wanted me to know that she hasn't moved to Mexico yet, and wanted to see me before she does...
Jesus had his usual supply of endless questions.
And Castro, my "son" told me that he was growing, has a new girlfriend, had moved, and had to text all of his friends to find someone who had my number so he could let me know not to worry about him.
And all of them signed off by saying:
"Bye best teacher ever!"
"Miss you, Miss J!"
"I would be honored to work for the best scientist/best mom in da world!"
These kids are my heart.
THIS is why I do what I do. When punk-ass teenagers (who are usually embarrassed by adults) don't forget you and trust you.... you know you've done something right.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Shut it.
You know what I hate about teaching?
When people say things like:
A. "Oh, that must be so nice to have the summers off."
B. "You never have to work on weekends!"
C. "You still get spring break and every holiday off...that's why you must love teaching."
To all of those people, I would like to say: Shut it.
We don't work from 8-3, 5 days a week, and then call it a night. We don't just show up, give the kids a book, babysit all day, and then leave with no responsibilities. This is a job that is never finished. It can consume every moment of your day and night if you let it.
On average, I work at least a 70 hour work week. At school no later than 7am, and during my first three years never leaving before 5:30....and then I'd go home and work until 10:30 at night, eating some crappy microwave meal by my computer.
Endless meetings.
Professional development.
Tutoring. Grading papers. Calling parents.
Aligning and organizing curriculum for ENDLESS HOURS.
Creating a website.
Keeping up with the news to integrate current events into the curriculum.
Reading books and articles so I can keep current with science and technology.
Entering grades.
Coming up with positive classroom incentives.
Decorating the classroom and updating student work on bulletin boards.
Writing pages and pages of lesson plans that include every major question I plan on asking, and everything broken down into sub-objectives.
Creating quizzes & PowerPoints.
Re-writing articles so the kids can read them at their level, writing stories, poems and plays.
Going to the store to get materials for labs.
Scouring the internet for good videos, animations, articles, labs and activities.
Collaborating with other teachers.
Running clubs, food & school supply donations.
Supporting student events like basketball games.
Planning a school-wide science fair, and a district wide science day.
This profession has an astoundingly high rate of burn out and you think we just take it EASY? If we don't have those breaks, we would crash and burn. We would be useless.
I know a lot of teachers who not only teach, but also have a second job. I know teachers that teach during the year, and then get a summer job.
What will I be doing with my summer?
1. Working on a Master's degree in curriculum & instruction
2. Working on next year's science curriculum and learning new science
3. Working with teachers to form a new discipline plan for the middle school
4. Mentoring and welcoming new teachers
5. Working on online professional development through NSTA.
I am not sitting on my butt for three months, lounging in the sun and doing nothing.
And I deeply, deeply resent anyone who thinks what I do is easy.
You know what, there are perks. We have decent health care. If you stay long enough, you get a good pension. If you do it right, you get a lot of love, admiration and respect. And on the surface, yes, it looks like we have a lot of time off. But what it really amounts to is just enough time to repair our own sanity so we can continue going at breakneck speeds.
For what amounts to about $25,000 a year after taxes.
You think you can do what I do? While having no breaks? I would love to see you try.
When people say things like:
A. "Oh, that must be so nice to have the summers off."
B. "You never have to work on weekends!"
C. "You still get spring break and every holiday off...that's why you must love teaching."
To all of those people, I would like to say: Shut it.
We don't work from 8-3, 5 days a week, and then call it a night. We don't just show up, give the kids a book, babysit all day, and then leave with no responsibilities. This is a job that is never finished. It can consume every moment of your day and night if you let it.
On average, I work at least a 70 hour work week. At school no later than 7am, and during my first three years never leaving before 5:30....and then I'd go home and work until 10:30 at night, eating some crappy microwave meal by my computer.
Endless meetings.
Professional development.
Tutoring. Grading papers. Calling parents.
Aligning and organizing curriculum for ENDLESS HOURS.
Creating a website.
Keeping up with the news to integrate current events into the curriculum.
Reading books and articles so I can keep current with science and technology.
Entering grades.
Coming up with positive classroom incentives.
Decorating the classroom and updating student work on bulletin boards.
Writing pages and pages of lesson plans that include every major question I plan on asking, and everything broken down into sub-objectives.
Creating quizzes & PowerPoints.
Re-writing articles so the kids can read them at their level, writing stories, poems and plays.
Going to the store to get materials for labs.
Scouring the internet for good videos, animations, articles, labs and activities.
Collaborating with other teachers.
Running clubs, food & school supply donations.
Supporting student events like basketball games.
Planning a school-wide science fair, and a district wide science day.
This profession has an astoundingly high rate of burn out and you think we just take it EASY? If we don't have those breaks, we would crash and burn. We would be useless.
I know a lot of teachers who not only teach, but also have a second job. I know teachers that teach during the year, and then get a summer job.
What will I be doing with my summer?
1. Working on a Master's degree in curriculum & instruction
2. Working on next year's science curriculum and learning new science
3. Working with teachers to form a new discipline plan for the middle school
4. Mentoring and welcoming new teachers
5. Working on online professional development through NSTA.
I am not sitting on my butt for three months, lounging in the sun and doing nothing.
And I deeply, deeply resent anyone who thinks what I do is easy.
You know what, there are perks. We have decent health care. If you stay long enough, you get a good pension. If you do it right, you get a lot of love, admiration and respect. And on the surface, yes, it looks like we have a lot of time off. But what it really amounts to is just enough time to repair our own sanity so we can continue going at breakneck speeds.
For what amounts to about $25,000 a year after taxes.
You think you can do what I do? While having no breaks? I would love to see you try.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Young Republican Take III
An earlier entry I forgot to add:
Today, after the completely misunderstood and terror-inducing AZ law SBwhatever was passed, the Young Republican apparently ran around in the hallways demanding that everyone show him their papers.
"Where are your papers?! HAHA GO BACK TO MEXICO!"
I condemn violence as a method to solve problems....yet I wonder....
How has this kid not gotten his ass kicked?
Today, after the completely misunderstood and terror-inducing AZ law SBwhatever was passed, the Young Republican apparently ran around in the hallways demanding that everyone show him their papers.
"Where are your papers?! HAHA GO BACK TO MEXICO!"
I condemn violence as a method to solve problems....yet I wonder....
How has this kid not gotten his ass kicked?
Promotion
When the principal said my name, a roar emanated from the crowd. Jasmine whooped, a few kids pumped their fists. I grinned like a maniac. After all the hell I'd put them through....they cheered for me. I stood, waved, blew them all a kiss, and sat down content. They got it. No, not the science. I didn't care about that.
It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.
In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.
They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.
P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.
It wasn't the garbage-bag & goggle haute couture on Pepsi & Mentos day. It wasn't the dissections or cabbage juice experiments or rocketry. It wasn't the DNA precipitate lab or the Atom Army Chant. They knew that somebody loved them. And I got the feeling they loved me back.
In one of the promotion speeches, Josh (the one who called me the green M&M) said something like "And who could forget Miss J with her spunky yet strict attitude...." I grinned again.
They got me. Down to a T. I hope, hope, hope I got them.
P.s. Another reason my kids are the best? When the student in the wheelchair pushed himself across the stage....they all broke out in applause. My kids are the best.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Yearbook Party
Today the PTA had an ice cream & yearbook signing party for the kids in the cafeteria. I had a notebook they could all leave me notes in, and had a long, ridiculous line of kids waiting for me to write them notes. Most of them were super sweet, telling me I had a really long line, and that I was popular (that's nice....first time in my life I've been popular with 8th graders....) But some of these kids....
Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.
Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.
It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....
Rojas: Mom. Sign my butt cheek.
Me: (calmly, not looking up, signing another student's yearbook) Well, didn't wipe your butt when you're a baby, and I'm not signing it now.
Rojas: Awwww.
Jorge: Miss J, sign my balls.
Me: WHAT?! (neck snaps up, I see him holding two basketballs.)
All of the boys die.
Me: You guys are all sick.
Rojas: You love us.
Jessica: I thought you raised them better, Miss J.
Me: Yeah, me too.
It's a good thing none of these kids ever hear me talking with Mr. B, or they'd all know I'm just as bad if not worse than they are....
The Truth About Mr. B's Toes
B's Electron: Why are you wearing those? (Points to his shoes with disdain)
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)
It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....
Me: B got in a terrible accident and lost a couple of his toes a few years ago.
Electron: Eew! (totally believes me)
Me: You won't ever find him wearing sandals. What, three toes lost, B?
Mr. B: Yup. Not pretty.
Me: I heard it was a random camel accident.
Mr. B: Yeah, I hate those camel toe accidents.
Me: (dies)
It's a good thing the kids all lose interest in whatever we're blathering before it gets to this point....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
This Year's Adoptees
I love my kids. They are the best. Some of them need a little more mothering than others, so I have this habit of pretend-adopting them, and calling some of them my children. Naturally, this allows me to pretend ground them, tell them I'm 'turning this car around,' say obnoxious things like "under my roof...." Of course, they also get to follow suit and say things like "Moooooom, she's LOOKING at me!"
What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.
Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.
I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")
Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.
Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)
After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....
And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.
Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?
How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....
What's interesting, is that they love it. They take this immense pride in being my "children." Which, I guess is the best compliment I could get.
Each day, my family-within-a-family grows a little bigger. And they get fiercely loyal about me, which is hilarious.
I've got the "twins"-- Senia and Castro (who are not at all related, but are both adorably small and equally feisty) who argue over who gets to hold the door open for me and who I fake ground on a daily basis for fighting with each other. ("Castro! Be nice to your sister!")
Then, I've got Rojas, who yesterday told me his mother wasn't going to promotion--something about how he wasn't worth her time-- and asked if I could be his mother too. I asked Castro, and he cleared it. Yes, he could handle another brother.
Rojas, my emo-child, has a perfectly sheepish laugh, which he's constantly emitting from behind his long, red-highlighted hair (which, I learned he flat irons every day.....). Today, he constantly apologized for accidentally making off with my sun-brella so he could make out with his girlfriend. (This got him stuck in ISS for the rest of the day with said 'brella)
After school, Rojas walks in, umbrella in hand, laughing his sheepish laugh....
Me: You are the reason I'm a lobster! Look at this! I'm burnt."
Rojas: Yeah you are (pokes my shoulder), but look at how much fun we can have poking you now.
Me: Stop touching me. You're grounded.
Rojas: But.... I brought it back your umbrella.....
Me: Fine! You are not grounded. But you are on thin ice, buddy!
Rojas: (sheepish) Thanks mom!
Me: (grumble, grumble) Damn right.....
And then there's Bryan, my little leprechaun who brought me a picture of him as a very young child, in his baptism outfit, crying his head off. Looks at me with huge doe eyes and bats his lashes.
Bryan: Will you adopt me too???? Pleeeeease?
How can I say no to a kid who taught me how to shake my hips like "Yeah"?
Besides, at least this one just shakes his butt...but doesn't ask me to sign it. More on that later....
Air Gerome
We finished shooting off our rockets today, and the kids decided they needed to do acrobatics.
The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!
I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.
1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me
So, what did I learn?
I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....
This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:
"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"
They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)
The kids: Miss J. Gerome can jump over people.
Me: What? Like leap frog?
Kids: Yeah, but when you're standing. We're gonna do it.
Me: Um.... that sounds like a terrible idea....
Gerome: I can do it, Miss J! Don't worry!
I wasn't happy....but when Gerome tells me he can do something I know three things.
1. He can.
2. I won't get sued because
3. Gerome's family loves me
So, what did I learn?
I learned that Gerome can, in fact, jump over not just ME..... but 4 people standing, all squished into each other in a line. With no trampoline. EASILY. For those of you who don't know Air Gerome.... he can't be taller than 5." Wearing shoes, I'm about 5'6". The kid's good at EVERYTHING. Ladies love him, smart, confident but not cocky.....always emerges with the basketball like its a baby out of an inferno....
This kid is amazing. My class's explanation:
"Well, he's Filipino. That's why he can jump like that."
"What?! No. That is not it. Gerome's just a super star who stays in shape."
"No, Miss J. It's cuz he's Filipino."
"Okay, so by that logic, the reason you guys don't do your work is 'cuz all Mexicans are lazy?"
"Yeah!!"
"ERRONEOUS!"
They just laugh at me. Gerome doesn't though. Maybe 'cuz he's Filipino. :)
Not Piggybacking....
Today, we were out on the field, playing a softball tournament that our awesome gym teacher set up. One of my kids, Jerry, was quite proud of one of his particularly impressive catches. Jerry, let me mention, is NOT an ELL kid and is in my gifted class. He is often hilarious. Today, he had no idea that he made my day....
Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?
Again. We're both going to get fired.
Jerry: So, there I was! Leg up like this, arm stretched out like thiiiiis and BAM! Caught it! Like this! (All stretched out and awkward) Doggy-style!
Mr. B: ...Doggy-st.....
Jerry: Yeah! (gets caught up in another conversation)
Mr. B:....did he have any idea what he just said?
Me: Nope. (kids meander away)
Mr. B: Was that the game where your team came from behind?
Again. We're both going to get fired.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
More Quips from B
At recess, one of B's electrons is hovering around him, being a minor nuisance. She folds his orange safety vest over his face, masking his scrubby facial hair (that he claims is a "product of many years of successful breeding.")
B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.
Today's example:
Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.
B has this terrible habit of mock-interpreting things people say in hilarious fashions, bringing a sliver of joy to my afternoon duty.
Today's example:
Me: Ahh, B. Your whole beard is now nicely day-glo.
B: Don't call me a dago.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Iiiiiiits Soquid!
Yesterday, we looked at cool stuff that glows under a black light (like petroleum jelly, highlighter-water, paper, white shirts, and more) and made cornstarch + water goo. The topic at hand: reviewing physical and chemical properties of various mystery substances. The kids had a total blast making a mess out of everything. (I won't lie... I did too)
Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.
Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"
The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.
5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!
Damn. Kids know my secret.
Tony: Miss J! This stuff is SOQUID!
Me: What?
Tony: It's a solid. And a liquid! Soquid! Can I go spread the news?
Me: Sure.
Tony runs to every table in class, squeezing his hand to make the substance solid, then letting it drip through his fingers. In a fantastic sciencey-voice he proclaims "Look! It's as soquid! A soquid, I say!"
The only thing missing was a British accent and the phrase "By Jove!" at the end.
5 Minutes later:
Castro: Miss J, you're like a soquid.
Me: Why's that?
Castro: Because you sometimes act like you're all mean and hard-- like a solid. But you're actually really nice.
Me: I'm really just mush, huh?
Maritza: Nods, grins at me.
Castro: Yup!
Damn. Kids know my secret.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Just a Beaver
Day 1 of AIMS testing done, and by brain's already fried.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....
Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."
Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.
It would be totally worth it.
After school, I get a dose of Vitamin B and end up part of this conversation....
Mr. B: Sondra, Did you just call me "just a beaver?"
Student: No I called you "Justin Bieber."
Me: Who is that?
B: (in lovely falsetto) You know. He's the one that sings "Baby, baby, baby, oooooo!"
Me: Yikes Got it. I think I liked beaver better.
(girls lose interest, meander away)
B: You know, this might be as good as our school's motto.
Me: I think you should hang a sign that says "Just a Beaver" on your door. You know, right under another that says "We go hard."
Moments later:
Girl: MR. B! I locked my stuff in your room. (B runs back to his room, with his key)
Me: Oh, come on B, you don't have to use that key. Just gnaw through the door!
B: (Pauses, then very seriously....) Beavers like wood. (We both die with laughter, girls are totally oblivious inside the classroom)
B: You know we're both going to get fired.
It would be totally worth it.
Gorilla Snot
Lately, one of my students has been carrying around this hair styling product called something like "Gorilla Snot." He likes to take it out of his bag and sniff it. And add more to his hair. It hasn't bothered me as it hasn't bothered anyone else in class.
At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....
Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.
I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.
Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.
I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....
At the end of one period, I looked over at him and saw him, lip jutted out, arm cocked above his head in an awkward 90 degree angle, wrist bent backwards....
Scratching his head like a gorilla.
With utter seriousness.
The label was pointing right at us.
I burst into laughing and pointed it out to the kids I was sitting with.
Student 1: Is Angel evolving backwards?
Me: Gorillas are actually pretty smart. It might actually be moving forwards for him.... You know, you can teach a gorilla sign language?
Student 2: Gorillas ARE smart. Man, a gorilla makes me look like an idiot.
I hope that's not the only epiphany he's had this year....
Monday, March 29, 2010
Stupid Learn to Be Commercial
This has nothing to do with my teaching, but it irritates me anyway.
I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.
In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.
The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....
IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....
Just shows her the stupid formula.
Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:
Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!
*insert cheesy smiles here*
BAM. Done.
They need to hire me.
I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this commercial for this online tutoring company called Learn to Be. They use wacom tablets and the internet to help little kidlets. So, that's cool. What's not cool? The commercial.
In it, this blonde woman gets a phone call from her little friend who asks her in this slow and angelic way:
"How do you find the area of a triangle?"
And the woman smiles this smile...she's too damn euphoric to be answering this question....pulls out her tablet, draws a right triangle, tells the girl that base x height/2 is the formula. Do you get it? The girl smiles back, and they have this long....moment. AND ITS WEIRD. The girl smiles at her in this loving, creepy way, and these smiles....they're the sort of smiles people ooze at each other when they're in love.
The whole thing is weird and eerie and it makes me uncomfortable. Who does that? Especially about math? Especially if you're a grown up and a kid? AND... to further chap my ass....
IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THATS THE FORMULA, OR HOW TO ACTUALLY SOLVE IT OR SHOW HER ANY NUMBERS....
Just shows her the stupid formula.
Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't get all worked up over a stupid commercial. But don't pretend to be this awesome, top of the line, prestigious tutoring firm when you can't even explain something like a real teacher would. I mean, shit, give me 30 seconds. Cut out the creepy smiles, show the scene already at the computers, online, and have THIS be the dialogue:
Girl: How do you find the area of a triangle?
Tutor: (pulls up a piece of graph paper on her computer, draws a square with her stylus) Well, how do you find the area of a square? (places in numbers)
Girl: Oh yeah! You multiply base times height, that's how you get ______(answer)
Tutor: (numbers boxes to the answer, say 6, while writing the formula under.) So, (draws a line diagonally across to form two triangles, and quickly shades it in) how much of this square is a triangle?
Girl: The triangle is half of the whole square
Tutor: Okay, so if my whole square was 6 centimeters squared how much is the triangle?
Girl: Half! So three!
Tutor: Three?
Girl: Centimeters squared.
Tutor: That's right. So, that's why the formula is the same as a square or rectangle-- bxh, but then there's one last step.....
Girl: Cutting it in half!
*insert cheesy smiles here*
BAM. Done.
They need to hire me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
How to Teach 8th Graders 101
"You know, if you put a science fact on your ass each day... the kids would learn 180 facts per year...."
--Fellow teacher
A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.
--Fellow teacher
A sad, but honest truth. Dirty little perverts.
Wish Granted!
Today, a few of my former students came back to visit. Eduardo aka Giggles, Carlos and Jidalgo.
Me: How's life?
Jidalgo: Good, but I'm failing honors biology.
Me: WHAT?!
Jidalgo: I'm not doing any of my homework. It's all book work, so it gets boring. I pass all the tests though....
Me: Yeah, classes like that kinda suck.
Jidalgo: I learned way more from you.....(I do kind of a sad, victory dance in my head, he looks around at walls) Wait....did your kids learn all about mitosis? And replication and transcription and translation?!
Me: Yeah. Some of you texted me and said it was really hard, so I'm getting them started now.
Eduardo: Luckyyyyyyy!
Me: Yeah, tell THEM that.
Jidalgo: They'll thank you later.
Ahhh! That makes it all worth it. :)
Me: How's life?
Jidalgo: Good, but I'm failing honors biology.
Me: WHAT?!
Jidalgo: I'm not doing any of my homework. It's all book work, so it gets boring. I pass all the tests though....
Me: Yeah, classes like that kinda suck.
Jidalgo: I learned way more from you.....(I do kind of a sad, victory dance in my head, he looks around at walls) Wait....did your kids learn all about mitosis? And replication and transcription and translation?!
Me: Yeah. Some of you texted me and said it was really hard, so I'm getting them started now.
Eduardo: Luckyyyyyyy!
Me: Yeah, tell THEM that.
Jidalgo: They'll thank you later.
Ahhh! That makes it all worth it. :)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hooray for spring break!
It is spring break. And I am feeling good. After just a night's sleep (and the knowledge that I don't have to see children for a few days), I felt invigorated. It must have showed because today....
I was honked at and cat-called.
The guy at the shoe store kept commenting on my body and how he could tell I didn't have kid and exercised a lot.
A woman at the cosmetics counter told me they had a new foundation...and then cocked her head and said "But I wouldn't use it if I were you. You have perfect skin. You don't need it."
Hooray for spring break!
Now, if someone would just tell me I'm a good teacher....
I was honked at and cat-called.
The guy at the shoe store kept commenting on my body and how he could tell I didn't have kid and exercised a lot.
A woman at the cosmetics counter told me they had a new foundation...and then cocked her head and said "But I wouldn't use it if I were you. You have perfect skin. You don't need it."
Hooray for spring break!
Now, if someone would just tell me I'm a good teacher....
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
What's One More?
Me: Gabriel, please. Stop singing.
Gabriel: Aww, come on. But listen. I sound so good...
Me: Yes. Gabriel. Voice of an angel. Voice from the heavens.... I still don't want to hear it. Not for next ten minutes.
Hungry Like the Wolf: Did you just say that Mexicans have a separate heaven?
Me: Next ten. Not Mexican. And no, I'm sure if there is one, they'll go too. Gabriel will probably guard the place.
(Pause)
Me: Of course, even if they don't get in.... you know they'll all just hop the fence.
Class: AWWWWW!!!! .....Yeah. That's true.
I love that I can say such terrible things to these kids, and the undocumented ones laugh the loudest....
Gabriel: Aww, come on. But listen. I sound so good...
Me: Yes. Gabriel. Voice of an angel. Voice from the heavens.... I still don't want to hear it. Not for next ten minutes.
Hungry Like the Wolf: Did you just say that Mexicans have a separate heaven?
Me: Next ten. Not Mexican. And no, I'm sure if there is one, they'll go too. Gabriel will probably guard the place.
(Pause)
Me: Of course, even if they don't get in.... you know they'll all just hop the fence.
Class: AWWWWW!!!! .....Yeah. That's true.
I love that I can say such terrible things to these kids, and the undocumented ones laugh the loudest....
Saturday, March 06, 2010
The Young Republican Strikes Again
"What?! I'm not being racist!" the only white kid in class says, folding his arms and scowling. He continues angrily...
"All I said was that all the Mexicans should go back to Mexico. They ruined their country and now they're coming over here illegally to ruin ours."
Where do I even begin?
"All I said was that all the Mexicans should go back to Mexico. They ruined their country and now they're coming over here illegally to ruin ours."
Where do I even begin?
Friday, March 05, 2010
I still win.
Before the spirited assembly of insanity starts, I see Hungry Like the Wolf steal Nayely's backpack--slow, like a ninja. I so don't want to deal with her--she'll throw a fit louder than the drum line.
I smack him on the shoulder and scowl at him.
He toes the backpack back in place, gives me a sheepish, yet proud grin. Everyone around him laughs.
"Damn, Miss J," he says, tilting his baseball cap sideways, "you can't hit a child."
"Duran-Duran, you're bigger than me."
"Still. I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah? Go ahead. What'll happen if we go to court?"
"....I'll get deported."
"So, if I hit you again....you'll get deported. And I get...freedom from you? Tough choice."
I smack him on the shoulder and scowl at him.
He toes the backpack back in place, gives me a sheepish, yet proud grin. Everyone around him laughs.
"Damn, Miss J," he says, tilting his baseball cap sideways, "you can't hit a child."
"Duran-Duran, you're bigger than me."
"Still. I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah? Go ahead. What'll happen if we go to court?"
"....I'll get deported."
"So, if I hit you again....you'll get deported. And I get...freedom from you? Tough choice."
Today was the Best Day EVER
It is 8 am. Spirit day. I'm standing in the crowd, listening to the drum line do their thing, when a fellow teacher gets up to the mike. She tries to rev up the crowd. Their benchmark scores came back and they did well. She wants to get them all pumped up. Cuz, you know, we be the baddest mo-fo's out there. 'ana smartest too, foo.
Ah-hem.
Anyhow. That's when the pandemonium starts. She says.... the words. I stare at my 8th graders and they start to snicker. My jaw drops open. Impossible. I listen more closely. She didn't mean to say that... did she?
Oh hell. Yes she did. And now there are signs. Another teacher is handing them out-- hold em high! Say it loud! And then the chanting begins. First the fourth & fifth graders, 6th, then the 7th and 8th. They're snickering. The boys are having a field day. The girls are pretending they don't know.
And I'm dying.
I look around. Where is the film crew? Why did I not bring my camera? This is surreal. This cannot be happening.
I'm looking around for anyone, anyone to talk to, thinking WHERE THE HELL IS GEORGE? I find Rebecca. And I'm losing it. I stutter a few choice words and we hide our faces with large envelopes and dissolve into buckets of laughter before retaining composure.
And then....the 17 year old rapper starts-- he has written a song for our school. And the phrase, this motto, it's sprayed all over it. And the kids are singing along.
"At ____________-dick, we go hard! Go hard or go home!"
"Our boys basketball team, they go hard!"
"Our teachers softball team, they go hard!"
"Our football team, they go hard."
"And on benchmarks, we go hard!"
"All day, we go hard!"
So, what do I get to hear for the rest of the day?
"I'm not hard so can I go home?"
"Hey Edgar, you hard? I know Eddy's hard. Angel, hard yet?"
"Can I hang this 'Go Hard' poster in your room?"
"Can't work, gotta go hard."
Oh. My. God.
Tell me. What other school with "dick" in the name adopts the phrase "go hard"...and has its own rap song? Tell me.
Ah-hem.
Anyhow. That's when the pandemonium starts. She says.... the words. I stare at my 8th graders and they start to snicker. My jaw drops open. Impossible. I listen more closely. She didn't mean to say that... did she?
Oh hell. Yes she did. And now there are signs. Another teacher is handing them out-- hold em high! Say it loud! And then the chanting begins. First the fourth & fifth graders, 6th, then the 7th and 8th. They're snickering. The boys are having a field day. The girls are pretending they don't know.
And I'm dying.
I look around. Where is the film crew? Why did I not bring my camera? This is surreal. This cannot be happening.
I'm looking around for anyone, anyone to talk to, thinking WHERE THE HELL IS GEORGE? I find Rebecca. And I'm losing it. I stutter a few choice words and we hide our faces with large envelopes and dissolve into buckets of laughter before retaining composure.
And then....the 17 year old rapper starts-- he has written a song for our school. And the phrase, this motto, it's sprayed all over it. And the kids are singing along.
"At ____________-dick, we go hard! Go hard or go home!"
"Our boys basketball team, they go hard!"
"Our teachers softball team, they go hard!"
"Our football team, they go hard."
"And on benchmarks, we go hard!"
"All day, we go hard!"
So, what do I get to hear for the rest of the day?
"I'm not hard so can I go home?"
"Hey Edgar, you hard? I know Eddy's hard. Angel, hard yet?"
"Can I hang this 'Go Hard' poster in your room?"
"Can't work, gotta go hard."
Oh. My. God.
Tell me. What other school with "dick" in the name adopts the phrase "go hard"...and has its own rap song? Tell me.
Our School's Motto
The drum line is snap-popping
Dropping beats betwixt cheers
And sneers of 6th graders
when she walks up to the microphone
All alone and utters
The Words.
Absurd and obscene,
I'm standing in a sea of 8th grade boys
Egging on the noise.
Playing with entendres like toys
4th through 8th chanting
She's not recanting,
Instead enchanting, a snake charmer
Decanting Pandora with poise.
A rapper begins rapping
(No shit!)
Breath heavy and panting
(Oh shit!)
All the adult folk are thinking
But brains bursting with
Laughter
But we can't break or after
They'll remind us of the gutter
Where our heads are
So we stutter, and stifle
That smut, and smirking, suffer
We'll die if we don't offer
Up the school's new motto
Like winning numbers of the lotto
Follow with words victorious
more obvious than day-glow
Echo and frolic 'cross the yard
Phallic and no-holds barred--
"At M-----dick! Uh! We go hard."
Dropping beats betwixt cheers
And sneers of 6th graders
when she walks up to the microphone
All alone and utters
The Words.
Absurd and obscene,
I'm standing in a sea of 8th grade boys
Egging on the noise.
Playing with entendres like toys
4th through 8th chanting
She's not recanting,
Instead enchanting, a snake charmer
Decanting Pandora with poise.
A rapper begins rapping
(No shit!)
Breath heavy and panting
(Oh shit!)
All the adult folk are thinking
But brains bursting with
Laughter
But we can't break or after
They'll remind us of the gutter
Where our heads are
So we stutter, and stifle
That smut, and smirking, suffer
We'll die if we don't offer
Up the school's new motto
Like winning numbers of the lotto
Follow with words victorious
more obvious than day-glow
Echo and frolic 'cross the yard
Phallic and no-holds barred--
"At M-----dick! Uh! We go hard."
Thursday, March 04, 2010
While taking some notes today....
Lizi: Miss J, teaching is a lot of work. I couldn't do it. Except maybe kindergarten.
Me: I think that's even more work. They're like newts that can't sit still. Plus, I have a friend who taught kinder and a kid once pooped in her potted plant. I'm not dealing with that.
Edgar: I pooped in a shoe once.
Me: What, yesterday?
Edgar: Nope! Today!
Angel: I just realized I don't have pajamas-- just athletic shorts to sleep in.
Lizi: That's a tangent!
Edgar: I sleep naked.
Me: How did we get to this point? And can we get back to atoms?!
Edgar: Only if you say "gorgeous please". Gorgeous is better than pretty.
Sometimes I wonder how we get anything done.
Sometimes I wonder how we get anything done.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Yes, I know your name, punk.
Me: Aidan. Aidan. Aidan. Tuck in your shirt. The shirt. You look like you are wearing a dress. You look like a girl. You're gonna wear my shoes. Tuck in the shirt. Or get lipstick....
Crappy 7th Grader: HA HA HA AIDAN! Miss J's doggin' you. You gonna take that?
Me: Anthony. Anthony. Anthony. Tuck in your shirt. The shirt. You are wearing a dress. You look like a girl.....
Crappy 7th Grader: (Jaw drops) How.....how did you know my name?
Aidan: (tucking in shirt) Dude. Miss J knows everything.
Crappy 7th Grader: (looks miffed)
Me: (grins)
It happens ever year, and every year, I love it just as much.
A Bench Press with your Butt counts, Right?
J: Miss J, you go to the gym right? How much can you bench?
Me: Oh man. I'm a pro. (flexing non-existent muscles) I bench all the time.
J: I'm starting to think you just sit on the bench.
Me: Oh man. I'm a pro. (flexing non-existent muscles) I bench all the time.
J: I'm starting to think you just sit on the bench.
Me: You have no idea.
Your Mom Knows All the Answers
Bryan: What's the answer for "Who took pictures of DNA using x-ray crystallography?"
Me: Y--
Bryan: Because I don't know--
Me: No, I'm spelling it for you.
Me: Y--
Bryan: Because I don't know--
Me: No, I'm spelling it for you.
Bryan: Oh.
Me: Y-O-U-R-M-O
Bryan: Uh-huh, uh-huh
Me: M.
Bryan: Thanks....(sounding it out) ....your mom. Wait! HEY! That is so messed up.
Moments later....
Andrew: Hey, Miss J, how do you spell the picture of the chromosomes all lined up?
Me: Bryan, you want to take this one?
Bryan: Sure. You spell it Y.....O-U-R......M.....
Andrew: Thanks. Wait! Hey! MY MOM!? SERIOUSLY?! BRYAN!!!
Me: (to Bryan) See how much fun that is?
Bryan: Totally.
Bryan: Totally.
Hating me on an Atomic Level
Donnie: Call me Au, Miss J, cuz I'm GOLDEN.
Me: Yeah, no.
Donnie: But it's my birthday.
Me: Still no.
Donnie: I hate atoms.
Me: We just started studying them! You don't know 'em enough to hate them. That'd be like me saying I hate you when you first walked in. On top of that... that means you hate yourself. Do you have low self esteem?
Donnie: What?! No!
Me: Well, sorry. If you hate atoms, you hate yourself. What did you think you were made of? And all that food you love? Atoms. That oxygen and nitrogen you're breathing in....
Donnie: (stares at me)
Me: Hating me a little bit now?
Ag
Part I
Me: (whispering) Josh, dude. Finish your test.
Josh: But....
Me: Seriously!
Me: Seriously!
Josh sits there.
I draw a frowny face on his arm.
Josh: Are you allowed to do that?
Me: Yes. And I'm going to draw a unibrow on you next.
Josh: Fine...fine....
Me: Yes. And I'm going to draw a unibrow on you next.
Josh: Fine...fine....
30 minutes later.
Josh is done with his test, and is rocking a logic puzzle with his partner.
Me: Here you go. (reaches out arm) Retaliate.
Josh: I can write on you?!
Me: Yep.
Josh: Does this have to be school appropriate or Miss J appropriate?
Me: (There's a difference?) Miss J at school appropriate.
Josh: DON'T LOOK!
My arm: I think Silver is sexy.
Me: Ohh, you're right. My bracelet is awesome. See, it says dream, explore...
Josh: That's SO NOT WHAT I MEANT. God, you kill everything.
Part II:
Me: What?
Maria: Right next to Silver, it should say Jerlinium.
Hilarious.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
We got a drooler!
Today, as we are taking our benchmark tests for the district, one of my students falls asleep and proceeds to drool all over his test booklet. I wake him up. Moments later, he sees the drool and starts rubbing at it in attempt to get rid of it before anyone else sees. Now, there's scrubby little pieces of paper rolled up all over his black sweatshirt. And a giant hole in the page of his math workbook.
"Javier, what were you doing? What happened here?"
"I erased through it."
"Is that why I see no little pink eraser pieces but paper all over your sleeve?"
"Err...."
Right.
"Javier, what were you doing? What happened here?"
"I erased through it."
"Is that why I see no little pink eraser pieces but paper all over your sleeve?"
"Err...."
Right.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Radius to Telekinesis
Today, some of my high schoolers came back to visit me. Baryon, Mr. Mustaccio himself, cracked me up. I didn't realize how much I missed the kid until he was whipping out one-liners left and right.
At one point, he was arguing with Eduardo over whether or not he had telekinesis.
Bayron: (deadpan) I have telekinesis.
Eduardo: What?!
Bayron: I can move things with my mind.
Eduardo: Yeah? Like what?
Baryon: My arms.
Touche.
At one point, he was arguing with Eduardo over whether or not he had telekinesis.
Bayron: (deadpan) I have telekinesis.
Eduardo: What?!
Bayron: I can move things with my mind.
Eduardo: Yeah? Like what?
Baryon: My arms.
Touche.
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